Chapter 5
GOON
The night started out good with plans on staying out all weekend. That shit quickly changed the minute those dirty ass crip niggas decided to come onto Ro’s block. They already knew that block was off limits.
Ro wasn’t a Brooklyn Bully, but his ties to them were so strong that niggas weren’t stupid and knew how he was giving that shit up. Peso’s ass thought he was bigger than the program, and in charge.
I wanted to pull the fucking trigger on that gun so bad. My hands were sweating, and I thought about my niggas taking care of my family. Quasim had always looked out for my moms and Khaos when I was locked up. Khaos wasn’t the type to accept help, so Sim was always there if he needed him.
Hearing Boobie’s voice pulled me away from what I was going to do. I could hear the fear in her voice, and I didn’t like that shit. I didn’t like it because I was the one scaring her. Zoya wasn’t easily scared, and it wasn’t about the gun or the fact that I was seconds from pulling the trigger.
She was scared because the thought of me in prison would break her. As much as she played hard to get, whenever I spoke to Zoya when I was in prison, I could see how sad she was. When she came to visit me that last time, I made a promise that she would never come visit me there again.
I refused to leave her out here to fend for herself, because she needed me. If she let me in, I wasn’t going to let her down like every other nigga. Peso should have been kissing my baby’s feet because it was her voice that pulled me back.
I sat on the edge of the bed and watched as she slept peacefully. Out of this entire bed, she slept so close to the edge, she was almost falling off, as if she was scared to sleep in the bed alone.
Cappadonna and Alaia ended up leaving behind us and heading back to their lake house. After fanning and talking to her, she finally had woke up in the back of the truck. She was coherent enough to climb from the back and walk with me into her building.
It was the way she held onto me while we rode the elevator up. She clung onto me like she was protecting me, never wanting to let go of me. Shit was a different side of her, one that I wanted to see more of.
She didn’t need to be so hardened around me.
I watched as she stirred in her sleep and then jumped up. Bando, her dog, was sleeping on the dog bed beside her. Since he saw me earlier, when we entered her condo, he didn’t try and attack me.
I already had made up my mind in the elevator that I was gonna choke slam his big ass and ask for forgiveness in the morning. Soon as we opened the door, he sniffed her and then came over toward me and sat down.
I could tell he was protective of her, and he was the big dog in their home. Bando needed to realize that I was the big dawg, and I was alpha in this bitch. He wasn’t about to have me tip toeing around this bitch like he paid bills around this muthafucka.
The sleep she was getting seemed like something she hadn’t gotten in a while. I placed a kiss on her forehead and went out into the kitchen. Bando abandoned his bed and followed behind me.
I had gotten up this morning to pray and did a few sit-ups and push-ups since I didn’t have my running sneakers with me. Opening her fridge, I was mesmerized by how neat and organized everything was.
The colors were coordinated along with the packages of the meat she had in there. I closed the fridge when I saw she had salami.
“Told her about that shit,” I muttered.
Bando’s nails tapped on the wooden floors as he walked toward the door. He was doing this little scuff noise like he was trying to get my attention or explain something to me.
It clicked when I realized that he was a dog, not a cat. He probably had to take a shit or piss, and his owner was sleeping peacefully down the hall. I scanned the closets she had until I found his leash, and that’s when he got excited and his nub started to move faster.
Boobie had some harness shit that took me way too long to figure out. I know Bando was calling me a stupid bitch with how many times I sucked my teeth and became frustrated with putting it on him. Once we got it right, I headed downstairs to walk him.
Waking up in Manhattan was fucking different.
There was traffic all over New York City, but it was something about the quietness of the hood in the morning.
When I ran the hood, I nodded at my favorite dust head as I breezed through the blocks.
On my way back to the crib, I would stop in the corner store to grab water.
You could always count on seeing your usual moms barking on their kids because they woke up late, and now she had to order him a butter roll before watching their kids run down the block toward the crossing guard.
Shit always made me feel nostalgic because my moms did the same thing. Face all greased up while waiting to slap that dollar down onto the counter for my butter roll, chips, and a bummy.
The morning air even smelled different. It was like the world was waking up slowly, the hustle of the city was getting ready for another day, but it was still slower in Brooklyn. With Manhattan, everything was in full swing and already started for the day.
Women rushed down the blocks in heels, phone to their ear, and purse swinging on their arm, leaving a cloud of perfume behind.
Children were holding onto what I would consider a leash, as the school teacher walked them across the street in single file.
Cars were honking their horns, cabs looking for fares.
That slowness that I loved could only be found in the hood. Not here on Park Avenue where a nigga like me didn’t even belong. Bando knew where he was going, so I allowed him to pull me into the park.
He sniffed every damn tree and still hadn’t lifted his leg to take a piss. Little white ladies smiled at me as I walked him and offered their good mornings.
“You gonna pee or what?” I huffed, as we neared a bigger tree than the last.
Bando stopped, looked at me, and then continued sniffing around. “She got you out here walking her dog too… you gone, nigga.”
Don came walking over with his hands in his pockets while his dog ran beside him. “You don’t put her ass on a leash?”
“Minks doesn’t need one. Plus, it’s off leash hours at the park right now.”
I held onto Bando’s leash ’cause I wasn’t about to take his ass off of it. “What time you got in last night?”
“Couple hours ago… shit was crazy last night.” He sat on the bench while Bando pulled to be free with Minks.
I released him and they took off running and fighting with each other.
“Yeah.”
“Wanna tell me what it was about? You was about to take his life right there on that corner.”
Aside from the Gods, I didn’t speak on my family shit with anybody. I was a firm believer of keeping my shit close to me and only telling those that I held close. Landon wasn’t asking on no nosey shit, he was asking because he seemed more concerned than anything.
“My little cousin was killed. He was seventeen years old, and niggas chased him down and killed him in front the corner store near my mom’s crib.”
Don leaned forward and whistled. “Shit.”
“Those same niggas are associated… Khaos killed three of the niggas that was involved, but Sigel got locked up.”
“And those the same niggas that run with Sigel.” Don said, not in a question, but like he was trying to make sense of it.
“Yeah.”
He pulled a black and mild from his pocket and lit it, while taking in the dogs playing. Bando had a big ass stick and was running around happy as shit. “Shit was personal.”
“Real personal.”
When Sigel ended up in the same prison as me, I tried to take that nigga’s head off behind those walls. I almost succeeded until the correction officers maced me and tossed me in the hole. I gladly did six months in there after that shit.
A lot of niggas would never admit how the hole fucked with them. Even as a free man, some shit still haunted me. Being locked down for twenty-four hours a day with no contact with humans, was some shit that would make you crazy.
For six months, I didn’t speak with my family. They couldn’t come visit and I didn’t know how they were holding up. While I was slowly losing my mind, I was still more concerned with them.
When I came home, I was fucked up mentally. You would think after being locked down that being home would mean I could sleep comfortably.
Nah.
I tossed and turned most of the night and stared up at the ceiling. Being in prison mentally fucked with you, and it continued to follow you when you were released. I slept in the spare room in my mom’s apartment with the door closed.
Every morning, I would get up, pray, workout and never leave out the room until I heard her moving around. As if it was a way of signaling that I had permission to leave the room. When I didn’t need permission anymore, I was free to move around the way I wanted.
I was used to doing anything I wanted before prison, and when I came home, that shit changed. For the first couple months, it took a lot to rewire that way of thinking. Even today, that same way of thinking often crept into the front of my mind.
It was crazy because I looked at Cappadonna, who served more time than me, and wondered how the fuck he was able to keep pushing and moving like this was normal?
“I guess I’m confused on how the fuck was he in prison when he’s the actual police.” Don blew out a cloud of smoke and took the ball from Mink and tossed it.
“Questions we all want answers to.”
When Sigel came walking through my cell block, I lost all control and charged at that nigga.
Took him by the head and was trying to pull it from his neck.
After they tossed me in the hole, it wasn’t like I could see him.
Shit, I didn’t see anyone. Only the people who tossed that food tray through that slot.