Chapter 6
ZOYA
Past
I winced, sucking in my breath when I felt him enter me. I knew it would hurt because I had listened to all my friends talking about it.
They bragged about their virginity being taken and how they all felt so older and like women. How it would eventually stop hurting and I would enjoy the sensation of sex like they all did. Every single one of them had lost their virginity and then there was me.
Zoya Caselli, who was still a virgin.
Peer pressure was a bitch.
He sloppily kissed my neck while he continued to push forward, and I squeezed my eyes closed, feeling like my insides were burning and being ripped open at the same time. The friction from the rubber didn’t make the sensation any better.
The bed creaked, which happened to be the bottom of a bunk bed. His kisses distracted me because his breath smelled like cigarettes and sour cream and onion chips. Holding my breath, I positioned myself, hoping that the pain would stop.
It never did.
“You alright, Mami?” he questioned, pausing to check on me.
I nodded my head, keeping my tears at bay, because all my friends were liars, and this didn’t feel good. I didn’t feel an ounce of the love they said I would feel for him.
I didn’t sit here and envision us married, or the white picket fence. Instead, I laid here waiting for it to be over so I could leave.
“So, fucking tight, baby… fuck. You said you giving me your virginity because you want forever with me, right?” He grunted, on a high because this was pleasure for him.
A virgin who was allowing him the privilege to turn her into a woman.
Nodding my head slowly, there was something inside of me that wanted me to make him feel like I wanted forever with him.
Even though I would be lying straight through my teeth.
How could I have forever with him? I couldn’t even have forever with my own parents, why would he think I wanted that with him?
His arm reached above me, holding onto the ladder that brought you up to the top bunk. Slowly, he pulled out of me, then shoved himself back into me harder, causing those tears I was holding onto to fall.
He was so into the moment that he didn’t notice my tears sliding down the sides of my face. I wanted this, so I couldn’t be angry with him. When he first asked if I was a virgin, I should have shut the conversation down. Instead, I continued thinking that was what flirting was.
This was a man that I had met at the Dekalb Avenue train station at three in the morning. When he asked me how old I was, I should have told the truth. Instead, I told him that I was sixteen, which wasn’t a complete lie.
I was turning sixteen in October, which was only two months away.
When he told me he was twenty-one, I should have ignored him. Instead, that voice inside told me to continue talking to him. Enjoy the attention that he was giving me while I waited for the train.
A few phone calls, shared text messages and tonight, we were in the downstairs room of his brother’s house having sex. I knew I deserved better and knew this wasn’t right. Kora thought that I was out with my friends, and here I was becoming a woman.
Becoming a woman before she had the chance to. Everyone has always looked at the two of us and assumed I was the older sister.
I guess I couldn’t let the people down.
His body tensed up, and I felt him place a final kiss on my neck before pulling out and collapsing beside me. The bed creaked loudly, but the reggae music on the other side of the door was so loud that it didn’t matter.
My hands remained at my side as I stared at the stained mattress above me. I closed my eyes and used my pointer finger to pick with the skin on my thumb as I tried to steady my breathing.
I did it.
I was a woman.
I shouldn’t have cared about him.
I mean, I should have just went on, but the more time I spent with him, the more I felt like I needed him around. Bernadete said that I would become clingy and want to be in his skin, and I didn’t believe her.
It had been a week since my virginity had been taken, and I walked around the kitchen, checking my phone, and trying to see if I missed his call or text. Maybe the service sucked in this house or something.
“Expecting someone?” I heard Menace’s low raspy voice, as I turned slowly with my phone in my hand, praying for it to buzz.
“No.”
He rounded the counter and went into the fridge. “Hmm.”
“Everything alright, Maverick?”
He had this crazed look in his eyes, and it was like he was trying to get them to focus and become calm by doing something. “Straight? You?”
“Yep.”
Jeffie came up from the basement and paused when she saw me. “Hey Zoy, what are you still doing up?”
“Not really tired.”
“Shit, this a family reunion?” Corleon asked, as he came up behind Jeffie.
Menace had both his hands planted on the countertop as he looked over at me. “Zoya, it’s late… go to bed.”
I didn’t bother to argue with him or them about it. Whenever they sent me and Landon away, I knew it was something they didn’t want us to know about. I couldn’t figure out what they were hiding half the time.
All I knew was that Menace was able to pull us from the public school my uncle had forced us to attend and put us in private school. Groceries or meals were no longer an issue because food was plentiful in this house.
Menace made sure of it.
“Night, guys.”
“Night, Zoya Bean,” Kora walked up the steps last, slowly, and avoided eye contact with me.
For that quick second before she looked away, I saw her eyes, and she shared the same crazed eyes that Maverick had.
I slowly took the stairs and tried to stick around to hear what they were talking about. They were smart enough not to speak, and I continued up to my bedroom. Closing the door, I checked my phone to see if maybe I had missed a call or a message on my way up the stairs.
Sitting at my vanity, I pressed his name and held the phone to my ear, nervously shaking my foot while I heard his voicemail pick up instead.
I picked it back up and blocked my number and called again. “Yo?”
My breath was snatched from my chest as I held the phone with my shaky hands when I heard his voice. “Hi…Hello? You ignoring me now?”
“Fuck.” I heard him mutter. “Aye, baby give me a minute.” I could hear him say to who I assumed was a woman in the background.
“You’re with another chick?” I blurted, pissed that he had the nerve to be with another woman while ignoring my calls.
He laughed into the phone. “Zora, chill the fuck out… I’m a grown ass man.”
“My name is Zoya... and why haven’t you answered your phone?”
As I was about to say something else, he hung up on me. I tried calling back, and it was clicked to voicemail. My chest felt hollow as I slowly removed myself from my vanity and walked toward my bed.
Sitting on the edge, I hugged myself while tears fell from my face.
I was stupid.
My chest burned as the lesson I learned was being branded onto my heart. Trusting a man was like putting your hand in fire.
You ended up with burns, and it was stupid.