12. Chapter 12
Chapter 12
Wulfric
The rest of the day after our mating ceremony feels like a dream I never want to wake from.
The only time we leave the hot springs is to return to my cabin for food or rest in a proper bed. At night Kieran seems unsure as he goes inside. He glances at the hearth as if he expects to sleep by the fire like a dog.
“No,” I say, “you will sleep in my bed from now on. Or, if the bed displeases you, then we shall sleep on the floor. But whatever we decide, we will be waking up together from now on.”
Until he decides he’s ready to leave, that is, but I force that thought away.
He smiles like that has pleased him greatly. He comes to my bed, and we curl up together beneath the furs. It’s far, far too easy to let my guard down around him.
I don’t talk about what happened to my father. There’s no real reason to when those who survived the hunters still remember as well as I do. Besides, remembering that day still pains me greatly. Reflecting on it can be bad for my mind, causing more nightmares and sudden rushes of fear during the day. Like my mind still thinks I’m on that beach, watching my father, friends and neighbors die.
But talking to Kieran lifted a weight from my shoulders. He didn’t judge me or think me weak. He just listened and offered what comfort he could. As I nuzzle into the back of his neck, I kiss the spot just below his hairline, enjoying the way he shivers.
“Sleep well,” I whisper into his skin.
He curls back into me. “I will.”
And I do, too, better than I have in years.
Something wakes me in the night. The room is dark, the fire nothing but embers in the hearth. Every bone in my body tenses. A growl builds in my chest. Has someone found our cabin? Holding my breath, I strain my ears. The house creaks as it settles in the dark. Owls call out in the night. The wind howls low and mournful. Claws sprout from my fingertips.
If someone comes for us, I will fight tooth and claw to keep Kieran safe. No one will take him from me. My heart races, my breath catching. Panic claws at me. So many emotions swirl inside me: fear and despair, loathing myself. So much loathing. Gods, it feels like I’m drowning, spiraling out of control. Then I realize what’s happening.
These are not my feelings.
They’re my mate’s. Kieran isn’t in bed beside me.
A snarl tears from me as I leap from the bed and run to the door. Knowing I’ll move faster as a wolf, I pull my furs over me and let the shift take me. The cold wind courses through my fur as I rush outside and sniff the air. His scent is stronger in this form as I pursue him on four legs.
Deeper into the trees I run, nose bent to the earth. Why would Kieran run all the way out here? Was he trying to leave me? A stab of pain in my chest makes me whine.
A flash of white fur catches my attention. It’s Kieran, sitting in a crouch by a tree, arms wrapped around himself. His little rabbit heart races in my ears, his shoulders rising and falling fast as he gasps for breath. The salty scent of his tears has me rushing forward, bumping my head against his back, sniffing around him.
He’s hurting. I must find where he’s hurt. Lick his wounds. Kill whatever or whoever has caused him such distress. When I push my nose against his ear, he shoves me hard. “Go away, Wulfric!” His body shakes like he’s lost in a frigid storm. No sobs escape him, as if he’s fighting them back.
Chest aching, I stumble back. My mate rejected me. Why, what have I done?
“What’s wrong?” I ask through our bond. “Tell me. Are you hurt? What’s happened?”
“J-just leave. Please.”
I growl, nipping gently at his ear. “No. Tell me what is wrong.”
“Ow. Okay! I’m…” He sucks in a shuddery breath. “It’s nothing. Really. It’s stupid.”
If it was bloody nothing, rage wouldn’t be festering within me at the very idea someone has caused him such distress. “Who did this? I will kill them. Lay their broken, bloody body at your feet.”
“Jesus!” He lurches back from me, wide-eyed. Did I not say the right thing? “No, you won’t kill anyone. Nobody hurt me. I’m just… really fucking sad all of a sudden. And anxious and… God. I just feel like shit.”
My rage calms enough so I can shift back. I squeeze my hand into a fist, fighting back the urge to reach out and comfort my hurting mate. For the first time since we mated, I haven’t the slightest idea what to do, how to make him feel better. “You could have woken me.”
Swallowing hard, Kieran shakes his head. “Didn’t want you to s-see.”
Scooting closer, I tentatively touch his thigh. “See what?”
Tears spill down Kieran’s face. “Me! Like this. Fucking anxious and messy and—and—” With a broken noise, he hides his face in his hands, his nails scraping at his skin. Instantly, I grab his wrists and pull his hands away from his beautiful, tear-streaked face.
“Do not hurt yourself. Why wouldn’t you wish for me to see you like this? We are mates, Kieran. We aren’t meant to hide things from each other.”
Lips wobbling, Kieran wraps his arms around himself, and I realize I want to be the one giving him that embrace, if he’d only let me. “I… I have generalized anxiety disorder.”
I am not sure of the meaning of any of those words. “What does that mean?”
Sighing, Kieran gazes at his hands. “My brain, it—it doesn’t work like normal people’s brains. I have bad thoughts that don’t go away. That repeat themselves over and over again.”
Somehow, that sounds familiar. I think I know how he feels. “These thoughts… do they speak to you?” I know mine do sometimes. They tell me I’m worthless and weak. A disappointment to the memories of my parents. A horrible alpha.
Sniffling, Kieran nods. “It’s like being in a constant argument with myself all day. The thoughts tell me that… people hate me. Or that I’m stupid. Or ugly. Worthless. That the world would be better off if I wasn’t in it.”
I open my mouth to interrupt. How could he think these things about himself? He’s not stupid at all, or any of those horrible things. Biting my lip, I force myself to stay silent. My instincts tell me that Kieran needs to get all this poison out of his system.
“Or it digs up memories from years ago and forces me to replay them over and over again with different outcomes. It’s fucking torture. I started taking medication a few months ago—that’s stuff you eat to make yourself feel better,” he adds to counter my confused look. “I guess here you’d take, what? Herbs?”
Ah, I understand what he means. “I see. And did this medication help?”
Nodding, Kieran says, “For a while, but then I ended up here and I left it in my time. I haven’t taken the medication in a while.”
Fear tightens my chest. “Are you in danger?”
“I don’t think so. Just feel really emotional right now, and sometimes I feel dizzy. Some people have it really bad when they quit cold turkey. Others don’t.”
“But if you take this medication, you’ll feel better again.”
“Yeah. I should. It’ll fix my stupid, broken brain.”
Growling, I lean in and grip his chin. “Look at me, little rabbit.” My stubborn mate resists, but I make him look up. His teary eyes and trembling lips make me ache inside. “You are not stupid or broken. Who told you this about yourself?”
With a shaky laugh, Kieran turns his face from my grip. “No one. It’s just the truth.”
Framing his face in my hands, I brush away a fallen tear with my thumb. “No. Nothing could be further from the truth, Kieran. I’ve never wanted anyone else like I want you. I wake up hard and eager at the thought of having you. When I left you in the springs yesterday morning to get us food, I wanted to be back at your side, fucking you, kissing you, food be damned. I can’t get enough of you.” Unable to keep my distance any longer, I wind my arms around his shoulders. “Must be witchcraft.”
To my relief, Kieran doesn’t push me away. With a shaky sigh, he relaxes into my arms, nuzzling his face into my shoulder. “Do you not like feeling this way?”
“I do,” I admit. “But only if you tell me that you feel the same.” I don’t want to be alone in this. If he doesn’t want me as badly as I want him, then it would hurt me worse than the deepest cut from a blade.
Angling his head, he parts his lips and I see the invitation for what it is. Leaning in, I kiss him as deeply as I can. Our tongues tangle as he opens for me, urging me in. Just kissing him isn’t enough. I want his taste to linger on my tongue like the finest wine. Want to memorize every little sound he makes. Burn him into my heart and soul and wear his mark upon me like a brand.
“I want you,” Kieran rasps, “more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. All the time. And I never want it to stop.”
My heart squeezes in my chest like it will burst from joy. The smile on my face must make me look like a madman, but I don’t care.
I never knew happiness like this could exist.
And I wonder then if this is what it feels like to fall in love.
“Then whatever witchcraft this is,” I say against his lips, cupping my hand against his angular jaw, “I pray it never lifts. I want you tonight and tomorrow. I want you for always.”
Something pained twists across his face but before I can ask, he’s kissing me like he’ll never get the chance to do it again. “Always,” he whispers, like it’s a promise. But from the sadness that twists through my heart, it feels like a promise he isn’t sure he can keep.
For a long time, I hold my mate. We exchange slow, gentle kisses, and I let my hands glide up and down his back.
“My—someone I knew, he hated it when I’d get anxious.”
I tighten my arms around him as pain thickens Kieran’s voice.
“He made me feel like such a disappointment. Like he was embarrassed that I couldn’t just be normal. That’s why I—” Kieran’s voice catches, and the salt of his tears hits the air. “That’s why I didn’t want you to see. I d-didn’t want you to think of me that way.”
Gods, just the fact that he could think I’d be so cruel cuts like a knife.
Brushing my lips over his cheek, I say, “You could never shame me. Or cause me disappointment.” I wish I could find the words to tell him that, with each day that passes, I grow more and more proud that he is mine.
Sniffling, Kieran squirms out of my arms and I reluctantly let him go. “Ah, man!” Kieran scrubs his face stubbornly and when he drops his hands, he flashes me a smile. My heart squeezes in my chest. My mate is beautiful, even with his face red and splotchy, and his smile is big and bright. “Enough of this depressing crap. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Oh? Like what?” I take a seat in the grass beside him, back against a tree. The northern lights dance across the sky above us, coloring the snow in vibrant hues.
“This café down the street from my apartment. I seriously miss having breakfast there!”
I cock my head. “A café?”
He chuckles. “You look like a dog when you do that. A café is… kind of like a tavern, I guess? You can get food and drinks. Sometimes before I had to go to work, I’d go to that café and order a few scoops of Greek yogurt with honey, berries, and granola. Ugh. I miss that so much.”
“Yogurt? Is that a food? I’ve never heard of it.”
He purses his lips. “Uh… it’s made from milk. Kind of tart and sour unless you eat it with something sweet like honey.”
“Oh! That sounds like skyr.”
A frown wrinkles his brow. “Skyr? Is that even a word?”
“We make it with soured milk, heated until it cracks and releases the whey. It can be eaten or drunk if you mix it with some water.”
“Hm. Sounds similar.” Resting his chin on his knees that are drawn close to his chest, Kieran sighs softly. “It’s more than that. I miss my home. My job. My bed. I miss living in the city.”
Propping my arm on my knee, I ponder what to do to cheer him up. “Tell me stories about this city. Where is it?”
“The city is New York. Where I live, Manhattan, is on a little island. It’s a big city, though. There are five boroughs. Manhattan is one of them.”
“Boroughs?” He’s making my head spin.
Smiling, he says, “That’s like… five villages, I guess, but big. Really big.”
Trying to understand, I say, “So the city is New York and within that city are five villages, one of which is yours.”
“Yeah. Pretty much. The buildings there are huge, way bigger than anything in your village.”
“How big?”
He points to the horizon where the mountains reach toward the moon. “I’d say half as tall as that mountain.”
My mouth falls open. “No.” I can’t understand why anyone would need houses that big. Unless… “Ah. I suppose that leaves room for your farm animals, then. Or perhaps a whole generation of family members.”
He blinks at me, then snorts laughter. “No. Okay, maybe the farm animals part makes sense. Some people hoard weird shit in their apartments. There’s nothing like New York. People from all walks of life infuse the city with their culture, so you can get different food from all over the world. It’s expensive as hell, dirty, loud… but I never want to live anywhere else. No matter what you’re looking for, you can find it there.”
It sounds incredible. “Like what?”
“If you’re into nature, you can visit Central Park or ride a train upstate to find some good hiking trails. See a ballet or a musical on Broadway, go to a concert or go clubbing. I wish you could see it for yourself. I think you’d love it. Although it might be hard for a werewolf to live there. You’d need lots of room to shift and run.” He pauses, worrying his lower lip. “Man. I miss it there.”
Even though I’m having trouble picturing this world of the future, I can understand his yearning for the familiarity of his home—even if I wish there was some way I could make my world feel like his home so he’d never want to leave. But he will, soon. He’s said so.
Are we destined to part ways? Are our worlds too different for us to be together?
“What is a… a concert?” I ask, trying not to think about him leaving.
A smile blooms over his face. “Somewhere you go to see live music. A band like the one who played at our mating ceremony.”
“I see. Do you still have skalds in your time?”
“Huh?”
“A storyteller, someone who crafts poems of great heroes and their deeds.”
He shrugs, tearing up some grass. “Sure. I’ve never been into poetry, but I’ve always loved playing and writing music.”
Kieran, a musician? I wouldn’t have expected that. “What instrument do you play?”
“I played a guitar for years—that’s a stringed instrument.”
“But you don’t play anymore?” To my dismay, Kieran’s shoulders slump, his scent souring with sadness.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever find the passion to. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer-songwriter. Like Ed Sheeran. He’s one of my favorite artists. Oh man, his album, X? That’s a damn masterpiece.” His face lights up when he speaks of this musician. It almost makes me jealous.
“If you love music so, then why did you stop?”
“Because I wasn’t any good anyway.”
For some reason, I can’t imagine Kieran not being good at something. He’s so stubborn, and he learned to shoot a bow in a week. He’s dedicated, smart. “Why? Did someone tell you that you weren’t skilled?” My fingers flex. I’d like to find whoever insulted his pride and cleave them in two.
When he nods, his lips quiver. “Oh yeah. When people important to you don’t believe in you, it makes it hard to believe in yourself. So, I stopped. The world’s better off without my music.”
“Kieran—”
He shakes his head. “Let’s go back to the cabin. It’ll be dawn soon.”
I let him leave without argument, but I want to find a way to cheer Kieran up—and I think I know just the thing.