Chapter 8
eight
Seen And Safe
Charlie
“Are you afraid of being around me? Of being here?”
I was trying to process what Jim had said while still panicking that there was no couch.
He was looking at me, like he was trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle, when his eyes widened with surprise like he found it.
The only thing that I say that’s safe is what I already said, “I sh.shouldn’t be here. ”
Then we heard a door open and soft steps at the top of the stairs. Jim turned to look up when I heard David’s sleepy voice, though he was out of sight. “Jim, what is happening?”
“Everything is fine. Charlie is here with me, but we are okay.” Taking a peek back to me with a calm expression, then turned back to David, “You can go back to bed.” Jim’s brow rose and he nodded in that direction.
After a quiet second of the best friends having an unspoken conversation with a single look, David walked down a couple steps and looked at me.
Wow, his bruise is bad. The guilt that I felt because of that happening.
If I hadn’t opened my mouth, no one would have gotten attacked.
I avoid eye contact by looking at the floor.
“Hi Charlie. Everything is good, yeah.” I can tell he was trying to convey peace. All I did was give him a flick of eye contact and a slight nod. “Good.” After a moment of silence, I heard footsteps walking back up the stairs and a door clicking shut.
The next thing I knew, I felt Jim’s rough fingers on my chin forcing me to look at him.
That’s when I noticed my face was wet. Jim wipes my cheeks with the lightest touch.
“You are okay, here.” I tried to look away by forcing my head back down and to the side, but Jim held it tight, making me look at his calm yet serious face.
“You are okay, here. Do you hear me? You are okay and you are safe,” putting emphasis on the last word.
It had been hard to read this man since I met him, but what he was saying now mixed with his expression, I thought I understood plain as day what he was trying to say without saying it. After he wiped my cheeks again, he took my hand in his and guided me up the stairs.
At the top landing, I paused as I started to shake with jitters, but he gave a slight tug as he continued on, passing the bathroom and ignoring the closed door right in front of us as we turned around the banister.
We entered the main bedroom down the hall, where there was a full-sized bed with one night stand on the left side in the corner, with a window that looks out to the road we came down to get here.
The wall across from the bed had an accordion door that’s wide open with clothing hanging up neatly and organized.
Another window on the other outer wall looked out the back, where another path lay and the neighboring building sat.
I froze again in a mix of fear and surprise, not believing that I’m in Jim’s unit, let alone his bedroom. Jim turned around, reading my mind again, which he seemed to be really good at. Not great for me.
“I’m going to sleep on the floor. You take the bed,” he said, lightly. Like it was no big deal.
I jerk my head in his direction, my mouth dropping open in protest. “What? N.No! I can’t do that to you.”
“Charlie. Get in the damn bed.” Then he grabbed one of the pillows, dropped it on the floor and turned to his closet, giving me a look at his back side.
He lifted his arms and stretched up onto his toes to reach something making his back muscles flex in his thin shirt.
After a moment of maneuvering items on the top shelf, he came out with a blanket, making his butt bounce a bit when he landed back down on his heels.
Turning around too quickly, he caught me looking and my face began to heat, and I started to panic again by backing up and diverting my gaze.
“Charlie,” he said in a tone that was neither calm or angry but straight and to the point.
“You. Are. Safe. Here.” I looked up at him, still holding the blanket. “Now please, get in bed.”
As he shook out his blanket, I slipped off my shoes. He laid down on the floor, as I crawled into the bed and got under the covers. I closed my eyes, but my head is so foggy and at the same time, I’m felt so wired out. Sleeping seemed out of the question.
Clearly Jim knows.
About me. Maybe?
I didn’t know if I was being too obvious or if he was just that good at reading people but, can he know without saying the words? Does it make it real if he won’t say it? Or is it that he wouldn't say it because he didn't want it to be real for his own comfort?
He said I’m safe but at the same time, his face was so unreadable ninety-eight percent of the time. Plus, he is on the floor. Was he choosing to be down there because he didn’t feel comfortable, or because he’s trying to keep me calm, not that it was working very much.
And not that I want him in the same bed as me.
I think.
God.
I gave a big exhale. My dad is going to be in a panic state on a whole new level if he ever found out.
As I rolled and bounced to a new position, I felt a hand on my side. My eyes sprung open and I’m looking straight into Jim’s worrying expression who was leaning his torso up off the floor. “You haven’t stopped moving and shifting since you got under the covers.”
“Sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Charlie. Do you need me to say it again?” His eyes were shifting, searching mine.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, not able to look at him. Not believing this is happening when it shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be here.
“Open your eyes, Charlie. Please.” He paused until I complied. “I’m going to say it, then I want you to repeat it.” A tear slipped out of my eye and ran down my nose. Then slowly, seriously but with emotion he said, “You are safe here… with me.”
When I just continued to look at him and another tear came down my face, soaking into the pillow, he whispered, “Repeat it.” He squeezes my side with a little pressure with his big hand.
With an emotional hiccup, but with my eyes closed, I repeated, “I am safe here… with you.”
After a moment of silence, I felt Jim’s hand shift to my face, cupping my cheek and wiping under my eye. “Good.” Then his hand disappeared and when I opened my eyes, he was out of sight, having laid back down on the floor.
I closed my eyes again with a big exhale. I wish I could have felt safe while being held in someone’s arms instead of my own. I drift off thinking about what it would feel like to feel safe with Jim curled around me.