Chapter 14
fourteen
Bleeding Anger
Charlie
Iwas in such a state of panic, that I’m surprised I haven’t broken the spine of my new book, I was hugging it so tight.
I thought my dad had lost his mind and had completely forgotten what we talked about last night.
I kept peeking behind to get a glance at them since they were standing in the middle of the road, which is straight as an arrow.
I couldn’t hear them, but what I could see of Jim’s facial expression– it’s not great.
I think the only thing that’s kept me from completely tipping over the edge and turning around to go back was the sound of happy giggles, and excited screams from the children playing in the park across the street while their parents watched.
Their happiness was like a counterbalanced weight on the scale that was controlling my emotions.
Right as I was about to turn down the path to our unit from the road, I heard Jim yell, “Am I Right,” forcefully.
It even had some of the parents turn their heads toward them, making me wince.
Dad was facing me, his posture weak, but I was too far now to make out the details of his face.
Then he turned around and faced Jim again.
I couldn’t watch this anymore. I walked to our unit, went down the stairs and opened the door, making my way up to the living space.
I curled up on the couch and sat in silence, staring at the copy of ‘The Charioteer’ that Jim gave me.
I can’t believe he did this for me. The fact that he figured it out, that I like men and that he was okay with it.
Why is he okay with it? And how did he come across this book?
There was no way he could be like me.
My spiraling was cut off when I heard footsteps on the old wooden stairs. My dad appeared in the door, eyes red-rimmed. I stood up quickly in alarm, but before I could ask anything, he darted at me and pulled me in a hug.
“Uhhhh,” as I nervously wrapped my arms around him, but he pulled back as my hands connected and deeply swallowed and cleared his throat with a grunt.
“If you go anywhere with Jim, stick with him,” he said, touching the side of my neck with his calloused palm, then let go and went up the stairs to the bedrooms.
What just happened?
I didn’t see him for the rest of the night.
I stayed up reading too late. I was tired.
But the novel was captivating. I understood why Jim got it for me because of the themes, but I also see why he picked this specific novel out of, I’m sure, the countless books he had read.
It’s simply courageous and compelling but also shocking that someone wrote this story at all.
I had to force myself to put the book down, but even so I still slept restlessly.
Without the distraction of reading the novel, my thoughts went back to the day’s events.
Revisiting moments, including the parting of the group, and the mystery of what was said.
I can’t wait to see Jim and get him alone to ask.
And I still have all those questions about how he figured me out and where the book came into play.
Maybe I can get him to open up about it today.
Dad was his normal quiet self but more pulled back this morning while we were getting ready.
Even going as far as avoiding eye contact.
We prepared our lunches consisting of sandwiches into the one round aluminum lunch pail we share and filled our round galvanized metal water bottles.
I put my book in a cloth bag and hid it between the lunch pail and my body, then we left.
We got to the mine without incident, along with all the other men crawling out of their homes into the early dawn, the morning sun peeking out to welcome us, only for us to go work in the dark all day instead of the light.
Jim and David were already there, waiting outside the door to the Dry Room with their lunch pails. Jim was looking up at the sky, but when David happily said good morning, he looked down. The moment we made eye contact was like no one else existed.
My dad responded to David in a quieter tone, “morning.”
When I stayed silent, Jim’s eyes holding mine hostage, not very subtle, Dad said, “Let’s get going,” sounding a bit impatient, breaking our connection. I had a feeling no one is going to get much out of him today.
We walked to the tunnel and hung our chits, then piled into the lift cage, but before David could close the gate behind us, Richard and Dan rushed on.
Just what we needed to start our day, their presence in our vicinity.
Richard’s scowly smirk was a mix of hatred and devious secrets.
It made me uncomfortable with them right behind us but refused to let it show.
The ride down was tense and quiet. When we hit the bottom, one of the other miners in front let us out through the other side of the cage.
Standing there waiting for us was the shaggy blonde haired man I recognized from the bar Friday night. He was rattling off room assignments for the week as he saw people.
When he got to us, he looked at Jim with a friendly smile.
“Good morning, Jim. David. I haven’t officially met our new workers,” he looked at Dad and me with a smile that showed teeth.
“It’s nice to see you again Charlie, and officially meet you both”, I appreciated his openness.
“I’m Will, the Room Supervisor. I handle the assignments and any issues that may arise.
Obviously, you have Jim and David here too, but if you need anything while down here, come find me.
Jim, room one this week, pillar four. David, two.
Pillar seven. Be safe men and have a good shift. ”
Will smacked Jim on the shoulder as a get-to-work gesture.
We walked down the cavern, scrunched over so we wouldn't graze our helmet off the top rock and dirt. There was an area for us to leave our lunch pails until we were ready to eat. I placed my book in the sack under our pail. Then we kept moving to the Heart of the Mountain where we went our separate ways. Dad patted my back as he passed me but didn’t make eye contact and followed David to their assignment, leaving Jim and I alone for the first time since yesterday.
When I turned to look at him with a smile, I was already in his scrutiny, looking like he was in a begrudgingly deep thought. My smile faltered and I dropped my eyebrows. “Okay,” already over the quiet treatment from both my father and Jim. “What the hell happened yesterday?”
When the only response I got was Jim clamping down on his lips so hard it made it look like he didn’t have any, I stormed off to the right instead of the first room on the left, fully expecting Jim to follow.
This talk needed to happen whether he wanted to speak or not, plus I was too tired for all this uncertainty today.
And if he’s anything like my dad, all quiet and moody all the time which he seemed to be, he would want privacy.
I came to a split in the passage and went to the left when Jim finally said, “Where are you going? We shouldn’t be wandering.
Remember?” I squeezed by the empty mine cars, before Jim was on me, grabbing my arm, pulling me to a stop and turning me around.
“Charlie,” his facial expression said he wasn’t playing.
“Talk,” taking a step back, hands on my hips. He still seemed like he wasn’t going to say anything, so I continued, jump starting the conversation by telling him what I already knew. “You yelled at my dad yesterday,” raising my brow with the statement.
“He told you?”
“No. I was just down the street. Your voice carries.”
Jim lowered his head like he was ashamed he did what he did. He was an odd nonconformist. He wasn’t like any of the other men down here. He had some of their traits, but they were mixed with his own personality that would normally mix like oil and water.
He lightly kicked a small piece of loose coal he must have been looking at when he finally spoke in a hushed whisper, “Your father confronted me because he thought there was something going on between us, bringing to light a detail about you I had already figured out, obviously. I think he was worried that you were in danger, but I put it to rest, which was what you heard from a distance.”
“Okay. Umm,” my mind was reeling. I didn’t know what to ask first. So, I started with, “So you figured it out, which is why you gave me the book and then my dad actually confirmed it?”
I was fully bewildered by this. It’s hard and rare that my dad talks to me about it.
It’s like every time this peeks out from the ground where he buried it, he digs a deeper hole in hopes it wouldn’t resurface.
He didn’t do it because of shame, though.
I think he did it to protect me. Even though he had never said as much, his actions speak more than his words or emotions.
He moved us here together, instead of just abandoning me like what happens to others, or worse.
“Yes, and I don’t think he meant to confirm it, if it’s a consolation,” looking up at me for the first time. “I think it slipped out in the terror he was feeling, that I had an ulterior motive against you, but I put him at ease.”
He wasn’t telling me something.
I could feel it.
Then his eyes got shifty when I must have looked like I was still questioning him. Yeah, he is definitely keeping something from me. “Why are you okay with me?” I said it with so much confidence, even though I was still afraid to talk about myself in this way.
“Huh?”
“I asked, why are you okay with me, when any other man and even some women would beat my ass and leave me for dead if they found out.” He shifted from foot to foot from my bluntness.
And then I saw it.
There was this glint in his one eye that triggered this epiphany in my brain. “Holy Shit!” The echo of my voice traveled down the tunnels in both directions. The excitement of meeting someone else that likes men. I never thought it would ever happen. The thrill was making me vibrate uncontrollably.