Chapter 30 #2
Without fully looking at me, keeping his head on my chest, I could see the sadness in his eyes.
The shame he is emitting was strong. A tear rolled down his cheek like a singular gem.
“It’s been four years today since my momma died,” he choked at the end, more tears falling.
He gasped for a breath, his lungs seizing up on him.
I loosened my hold to give him air. He started to sob, but continued to talk, leaving spaces between words to intake or release air.
“With everything… going on,… with how happy… I have been with you…,” getting louder until he was practically yelling, “I can’t…
believe I forgot…. I can’t believe I lost… track of time like that!”
“Shhhh,” I wiped his face, which was pointless, as the tears just kept coming, soaking into my shirt. He had the right to cry for his mother in any circumstance. I could only imagine this type of loss and I didn’t even know all the details.
“What kind of son… am I that… forgets their momma?”
“Honey, no,” I lifted his face by the chin, making him look at me.
I needed to make this point and make sure it landed.
“You did not forget your momma. I don’t think anything or anyone could make that happen.
Her memory will always be in your heart,” touching his chest, feeling the harsh beating vibrating into my hand.
“And she wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself.
I didn’t know her, but I know you. She raised you, so I get the sense that she would want you to be happy, and if that happiness distracts you from the reminder of what today is, while still remembering the woman and the happy memories you have together, I think she would be thrilled with that outcome.
”I can’t imagine him working most of the day holding this in, so I asked, “Were you like this all day, in the mine?
He shook his head, sniffling, calming a little and intaking the air he was struggling to get while being a blubbering mess.
“No. It wasn’t until I saw Dad after shift to walk back.
He was already in the mine when we got there, which David was mad about because he didn’t have his buddy.
And he didn’t come for lunch, which pissed David off even more.
When I saw him when the day was done, I knew just by the way he held himself and how flat his face was.
I didn’t even want to go back with him because of his mood.
It’s always been hard for him. He doesn’t talk about her.
He disappeared into his room without even showering first. I got cleaned up and cooked dinner, but he wouldn’t even come down or answer me.
Waiting until dark to come over was horrible, but I almost didn’t come either because… ”
The color of his eyes were grey instead of light blue, clouded by the tears and his grief.
He took a couple gulps of air, looking into my face.
I wish I could have taken his pain away.
It hurt me that he was hurting so much. “You are safe, here,” repeating what I think he constantly needs to hear.
Giving him a space, a bubble, to feel safe no matter how he was feeling himself.
I understood that everyone experiences grief differently.
It’s unimaginable to know how it feels to someone else even if you have lost someone yourself.
It’s an emotion and a reaction that is simply unique to that specific person.
But Mike clearly shuts down completely, leaving everything in the outside world locked away, including his son who is also grieving.
It’s a situation where you want to blame him for neglecting Charlie’s feelings, but he wasn’t in the wrong either for what he was feeling and how he had to process it.
So, I will give Charlie the space, comfort, and love he needs to grieve. He seems like the type of person who needs someone else in his space to soak up his emotions like a rag and I will always be that person for him.
He nodded, and wiped his own face awkwardly, with his arms trapped between our bodies, sniffling.
“Do you want to tell me a happy memory about her?” I didn’t want him to have to tell me how she died, especially today.
I get the sense that it wasn’t sudden, an accident out of nowhere.
Probably an illness that couldn’t be treated.
He sat up and looked around the room, his eyes shifting.
I could see him trying to think of a memory, when he wetly giggled picking up his book, taking me by surprise.
I smiled at him, bracing my head in hand, putting my weight on my elbow to lean up on my side.
He turned back to me, still with tears but now there was a glimmer of happiness within the moisture. “Okay, what did she do?”
“She told my sixth-grade teacher to “Stuff it”,” laughing, cheeks rising, making his eyes crinkle. I gasped out a breath in surprise, my jaw open. “It was so good. The only other time I ever heard her talk to anyone like that was to Dad. But my teacher was being unreasonable.”
“What? Was she smacking the back of your hands with a ruler too hard?” I was trying to come up with a situation why anyone would mouth off a teacher.
“No. My momma was a firm believer of if you deserved it, you’d get it.
But I wasn’t ever that kind of kid,” which was easy to believe based on who he was now.
“We were told to pick a book from the school library to read and then present it in a report for her to grade. We also had to present it to the class verbally. I picked a book that interested me, ‘The Hobbit’. But she said she didn’t want me to read it, that it was inappropriate for my age, and above my intellectual status. ”
“Oh fuck. That’s practically calling you stupid, to your momma’s face,” my eyes blew out a little at the gall the teacher had. “Plus, that book is great! It is one of my favorites.”
“Mine, too. Although I haven’t read it since then,” exhaling for emphasis, and making a mental note to move that book into his pile.
“Well, my momma shot back at her, that just because she wouldn’t be able to fully understand the story that I wanted to enjoy shouldn’t hinder my experiences of reading.
She should be supporting me instead of holding me back, telling her to “Get Stuffed”, and guided me out the door. ”
I laughed and was proud of the woman he called Momma for putting him first. Most parents would have rolled over and agreed with the teacher. “Did you read it and submit your report?”
“Yes, I got a B, because during my presentation I got hung up on some questions from my classmates. But… four of them ended up reading it themselves,” he smiled smugly, like he was proud of himself still. “My teacher gave me dirty looks every time she saw one of them holding it,” giggling.
“Your momma sounds like she was the best,” I quietly said, afraid I would start the water works again, but he just looked at me calmly, no smile but no frown, bobbing his Adam’s apple in a swallow.
He nodded, and I pulled him back down to me again and he came willingly.
“I love you, Honey. I am so glad you had the momma you did because she helped structure you the way you are today.” I kissed the front of his hairline, since his face was near my chest again. “Let’s try to get some sleep.”
I gently got out of bed to get the light, pulled the covers over us, letting Charlie burrow into me tonight, feeling his calm breathing on me, wishing he had positive dreams about his momma’s life, instead of the nightmares about what this day represents.