Chapter 23
I never saw myself driving down this long driveway ever again in my life.
I’d experienced so much pain on this farm.
Growing up here made me feel like I didn’t matter for so long that I never felt like this place was home.
Coming back here after all these years felt surreal.
Everything looked the same, almost like it had frozen in time.
The cows still sat out in the field, and I could see my mom’s garden, fresh and bright as always.
She put so much love and care into her garden that I couldn’t imagine why she never gave me that same kind of love and care.
I guessed there were only certain things that could steal her attention from herself, and I was never one of them.
I parked my car and headed up to the door, knowing she already knew I was here.
My mama had cameras that covered every inch of her property, so she probably saw me from the time I entered the gate until now.
I knocked twice before the door swung open.
Tears filled her eyes as she looked at me.
One of her hands went up to her mouth. I stood there in silence, feeling emotionless because I didn’t know how to feel.
I didn’t know if I was happy because she looked excited to see me or sad because, even though she looked excited to see me, she hadn’t reached out in all of these years.
“Shanet, oh my God. My baby is home.”
She tried to hug me, but I stepped back. She stepped forward and hugged me anyway. I didn’t return it. I stood there stiffly with both hands down to my sides. When she let me go, I still didn’t know what to say.
“Well, come on in. Come on, come on. I just cooked. I got some fresh-squeezed lemonade too.”
I followed my mother into the kitchen, where I once cooked my own meals. She busied herself around the stove, making me a plate as if that was the reason I had come, like I had been on the highway for hours for a plate and some damn lemonade.
“I didn’t come here to eat.”
“Oh.” She turned around like she was surprised. Then she smoothed her hands down the sides of her house dress. “Well, I’m still happy you came.”
“Don’t you want to know why I’m here? I mean, since you haven’t seen me in almost ten years?”
“No, baby. You don’t ever need a reason to come home. I’m just happy you’re here.”
“I’m not your baby. You lost the right to call me that a long time ago.”
That caused her to finally stop fidgeting and look me dead in the eyes. She didn’t say anything. She waited for me to continue.
“Mom, I spent days in that hospital after Devonte had me on the brink of death. Not one day did you come look for me. All I wanted was for you to care if I lived or died, but I didn’t even get that.”
“Shanet, your childhood was the worst time of my life. I hate to admit that, but it’s a fact.
Your father was taken from me when you were just four years old.
My brain couldn’t accept the fact that I’d not only lost the love of my life but also became a single mother overnight.
I was never that strong in the head. Your father thought for the both of us.
I was broken. The alcohol, the depression, so many mental issues that I had from my own childhood.
“I wish I had dealt with my own trauma before I had you because when I no longer had your father to catch me, I fell so far that I couldn’t pick myself back up. Honestly, it took you leaving for me to get myself together.”
“What?” I whined. “Do you know how sad that sounds?”
“I know it’s sad. I know having a child and becoming a mother should have been a catalyst that woke me up, but it wasn’t.
It was losing my daughter that did that for me, Shanet.
When I no longer had you coming in this house, picking me up off the floor, making sure I took a shower, making sure that I actually made it to my bed from the binges of all-night drinking .
. . when you weren’t here to do that for me anymore, I had to learn to stand on my own feet. ”
“Well, I’m happy I could do something for you, even though you never did anything for me.”
I turned and walked back toward the door. I couldn’t stand here and listen to any more of what she had to say. She was basically telling me her life was as good as it was now because she mistreated me enough to make me leave.
“Don’t go.”
I stopped, but I didn’t turn to face her.
“I’m sorry, Shanet. I really am. Once I finally got out of that state I was in, I felt like it was too late to reach out to you, like I had ruined your life enough. I thought that if you found even a glimpse of happiness from being away from me, then I should leave well enough alone.”
“How could someone ever really be happy without their mother?”
“I couldn’t tell you. I never had nobody. My parents kicked me out as soon as you were born. If it wasn’t for your daddy leaving me this farm, I wouldn’t have a thing to my name.”
“I never knew that.”
“There’s a lot I never got a chance to tell you, but I want to. I’d like you to stay for a while. Just to give us a chance to get to know each other. You think we can do that?”
I finally turned to face my mother. Both of our faces were wet from tears. I didn’t know if we could fix all that was broken between us, but I was willing to try. I missed my mother, and I needed her in my life.
“I’d like that.”