Chapter 20
CASS
"Ican't help thinking this is slightly insane," Jules said as we pulled down the chairs we stacked the other day.
"It was your idea," I pointed out.
"Exactly," he said. "Either I need therapy or you needed to tell me to shut the fuck up."
"Therapy can be useful," I said. "We both know you wouldn't have listened if I told you to shut up. You would have dug in deeper." I didn't expect him to deny it. He wouldn't admit it, but he knew I was right.
"Then you should have locked me up somewhere," he said, as if he would have let that happen either. "Do me a favor, don't take any dumb risks."
I stood with my hands on my hips as he pulled a table half way across the room, back to its original place. Or close to it anyway.
When he straightened up, I said, "I feel like this conversation is backward. I'm usually the one saying that to you."
"Yeah," he grunted. "I've seen the way you look at Harlow. When a guy gets in over his head, he's prone to do stupid shit." He firmed his jaw as if daring me to contradict him.
"I'm not in over my head," I said evenly. "I care about her."
He blew a raspberry of disbelief. "Bullshit. You're head over heels for her. I know it. You know it. It wouldn't surprise me if that Eros asshole could tell during that phone call."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not that obvious."
"Looks obvious to me," he muttered. "The point is, what we're doing here is dangerous. Hell, it's borderline stupid. I'm probably going to kick my own ass over it. If I had a lick of sense, I'd tell you to go home."
"I'd tell you no," I said before he could take another breath and continue. "If you want to go home, go ahead. I won't stop you. But I'm not going to sit by and let them come after her without at least trying to do something."
After sucking a long breath through my nose, I exhaled as I added, "This goes down better with both of us."
He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I know. I do. That's why I'm here. It's just…"
"Sitting around a table talking about it is one thing, being here is another?" I suggested. "Or are you really scared of serving customers?" I smirked at him side on.
"That's it, isn't it? You're worried about carrying plates and spilling things on people. Maybe tripping over a chair leg and falling on your ass. Or, wait, tripping and falling face first into a bowl of spaghetti."
I was having way too much fun with this.
"I think you're the one who's tripping," he said darkly. "I'm not scared of any of that shit." And yet, his shoulders shifted like his shirt was suddenly uncomfortable.
I squinted at him. "Yes, you are. You're scared of falling. Not tripping, falling. For Harlow."
That was understandable; she was incredible.
I wasn't sure how to feel about sharing her with another man, much less my brother.
So far we'd made it work between Boner, Archer and me.
What was one more? If Harlow was interested in the first place, that was.
She was getting used to having him around.
Jules scoffed.
"Now I know you're out of your mind, Cassius. That woman and I hate each other, remember?" He nodded toward the kitchen where she was starting the meal preparation for the day.
I'd offered to help, but she said she needed some space to get her head in the game. After what happened here, I didn't blame her. She needed to reclaim her happy place. If that was possible.
"I remember you acting like you hate her," I agreed. "Acting like it and feeling like it are two different things. It wouldn't be the first time you've tried to cover up your feelings."
"That's a low blow," he said softly.
It took me a moment to realize what he meant. When it hit me, I winced.
"I wasn't talking about Auggie. You've liked women before. Remember Sofia? And Jarica? And Amanda? You couldn't admit you cared about any of them and they walked away."
"Better off without them," he said, looking down at the floor.
"They're probably better off without you," I said, teasing lightly, fully earning the two-handed flip off he gave me. "The point is—"
"I know what the point is," he snapped. "You think I'm here because I'm in love with Harlow?"
"I think you're here because you could be in love with her someday," I said.
I knew my brother. He didn't fall that fast. He was the kind of guy who didn't fall without being dragged downstream, kicking and screaming. On the outside at least. I suspected there was a lot more going on, on the inside, than even I knew.
"All of this speculation is cute, baby brother," he said sarcastically, "but do me a favor and save it. I'm not falling in love with her."
"If you just—" I cut myself off when Harlow appeared from the kitchen.
Whenever she stepped into my line of sight, was like a jolt of electricity. Driving all of the air out of me. Coherent thought and legible words left my brain, abandoning it like a sinking ship.
"This almost looks back to normal," she said, her gaze scanning the room. She lingered on the place where Erin had lain, before shaking her head sadly. Her red ponytail swishing back and forth.
"We tried to put everything back exactly where it was," I said. "Except those two tables there." I pointed. "I thought maybe they looked better… We can put them back if you… We shouldn't have…"
While Jules chuckled at my babbling, Harlow waved down the suggestion with a side-to-side shake of her spread fingers.
"That looks better than how we had it," she said. "If you come up with any other suggestions, don't feel like you can't bring them to me. I'm always open to ideas to make the place better."
"Lighting," Jules said. "You have warm lighting in here, but cool would look better. I mean, that bulb over there is cool, but the rest are warm." He pointed to one that glowed blue, while the rest looked closer to yellow.
Harlow looked up and frowned. "You're right. I've been meaning to do something about that. Can you fix it for me?"
Jules looked surprised at her agreement, blinking a couple of times before giving an indifferent shrug I didn't buy for a second.
"Sure. There's a place around the corner. Let me go grab some bulbs and I'll be right back." He gave her a curt nod and headed for the back door.
"Thank you for that," I said when he was out of hearing. "He wants to be useful, but I don't think he's figured out how."
"It's nothing." She grabbed the back of a chair and moved it slightly.
"Those bulbs really do need to be changed.
That's the problem sometimes. Details like that are easy to put on the 'someday' list. But really?
They're so important. It's like the difference between having a tall candle between two people having a romantic dinner, and a low one so they can see each other.
That stuff, I'm all over. Looking up at the ceiling? Not so much."
"People can't deal with everything all the time," I said, stepping over to place my hands on her shoulders and massaging lightly. "Not even you."
"This is my business, it's my job to notice everything." She dropped her head forward, letting me rub up to the back of her neck and ease out the knots.
"And if you can't, then you hire someone who can," I reasoned.
"Like you and Jules?" She glanced back at me for a moment.
"Exactly," I said. "Who knows, we might give up our other jobs and work for you instead."
I was fortunate in that I could do my job from anywhere, so I'd be fitting in a few hours after this. Jules worked for himself, so he could take what jobs he needed, or not. Whatever suited.
"Let's see how good you are at working for me," she said teasingly. "When things get busy in here, you might think again. It can be hectic."
I wasn't going to lie and say I loved when things were hectic, but I loved her. That was reason enough to be here, with or without the threat of Eros. If I had to deal with some chaos, I'd deal.
"I can take it," I said. "So can Jules, he just pretends he can't. He likes you, you know."
"I'm not sure about that," she said with a laugh. "Sometimes I think he'd happily throw me in front of a cab and walk away."
"He wouldn't really," I assured her. "First of all, I wouldn't let him. Second of all, he likes you more than he'll admit to himself. He'd probably stand in front of that cab first."
"I don't blame him," she said softly. "I don't mean the standing in front of a car bit. Losing someone you love, it makes you scared to feel close to anyone again. I'm sure you feel the same way too."
"Yeah," I said more grudging than maybe I should have. It was easier for me to talk about my feelings than it was for my brother, but it was still awkward.
"After Auggie died, I didn't want to talk to anyone for ages.
I wanted to sit in front of a computer and kill aliens, monsters, whatever.
Blowing them up, blasting them apart or disintegrate was satisfying.
I could take all of my anger out on them.
But then I realized I wasn't helping myself.
Auggie wouldn't have wanted me to lock myself away. "
"So you stopped gaming?" She raised her head, looked back and smiled as if she knew the answer.
I grinned. "No, but I cut back a lot. Now I game for fun, not to destroy things. My therapist said it's a much healthier approach."
She'd suggested a lot of other things too, like tapping, visualization and massage. With the occasional trip to one of those places where you get to break stuff for fun. All of it contributed to me being more or less sane now.
Don't come at me with the company I was keeping and what I might have to do to keep Harlow and myself safe. I know my therapist wouldn't approve, but a guy had to do what a guy had to do. When it was all over, I'd book a good, hard massage. Maybe a pedicure.
"I don't doubt that," she said. "I get why it would be satisfying though. Gaming might be a bit healthier than becoming a serial killer."
What did I say to that? We had different approaches to dealing with our grief. I killed digital monsters, she killed real ones.
One was legal, but the other was more useful for the world as a whole. This might be one of those things not worth trying to measure, or pinning down. It was what it was.
"If you ever want to try some games out some time, I'm happy to show you," I offered. I hesitated and gave her a sideways look. "Unless you're secretly a gamer girl?"
Please say yes. Please say yes.
"Actually…" She gave me a sly smile.
Yes!
"You just became even hotter, which I didn't think was possible," I said.
Could a guy swoon over a woman, because I was swooning now. Was it too soon to ask her to marry me?
She laughed. "A girl has to do something in her spare time. I don't get much chance to sit down and play, but I still enjoy it."
I was tempted to get down on one knee right now, but her gaze shifted to the door and she frowned.
"Shouldn't Jules be back by now?"