Chapter 16
“Oh God,” I groan, clutching the rim of the toilet as I retch again.
This is the third time this morning, and I can’t seem to shake it. I have been feeling off for days, and it has only gotten worse.
Reagan’s hand is firm on my back. “Girl, what did you eat?”
Jasmine dabs my forehead with a cool cloth. “You should see a doctor, it could be food poisoning.”
“I’m fine,” I rasp, though the world spins.
“We came to surprise you for your birthday,” Reagan says. “And here you are, dying slowly.”
My birthday.
I’d forgotten all about it. I heave one more time, with nothing coming out, then slump back against the tile.
Reagan presses a glass of water into my hand.
I sip tentatively. My stomach protests but settles enough that I can stagger into the living room and collapse on the couch.
Jasmine comes over and perches next to me, concern in her eyes.
“You look pale,” she says. “Seriously, doctor. At least then you know.”
Before I can object any further, they’re ushering me into Reagan’s car and taking me to the clinic. An hour later, I’m seated across from a kindly but stern physician whose gray hair is pinned in a neat bun. She checks my temperature, asks routine questions, then leans forward.
“When was your last period?”
I hesitate. “I...can’t remember exactly.”
“That’s okay. We’ll do a test.” She offers a small cup. “Urinate into this, please.”
“A test?” I ask, staring at her. “For what?”
She looks at me like maybe I’m not all there. “Ah, pregnancy?”
“Oh, no, I’m not pregnant.”
She shakes her head. “You said you have been sexually active.”
“Yes, but...”
“Are you on protection?”
“I mean, I take the pill but...”
I trail off and recall a few times where I forgot to take it for a couple of days, but I always took it again when I remembered. Surely that wasn’t enough to make it stop working, right?
“But? Have you missed any days?”
I press my lips together.
“If you don’t take it daily, it isn’t as effective. Let’s do a test to rule that out, and we can go from there.”
I take the cup, heart racing, head spinning. Surely that’s not it. I must have just picked up a bug. There is no way I’m pregnant. No way. I take the urine back to her, and she dips a strip in and studies it after a couple of minutes. A careful smile blooms. “Congratulations—you’re pregnant.”
My face goes numb. “Pardon?”
“A positive result,” she repeats softly as I stare.
“Are you...sure?”
“I will order some bloodwork and an ultrasound, but yes, I’m sure.”
She outlines prenatal vitamins and next steps, but her voice feels distant.
Pregnant. No. This can’t be happening.
I emerge to find Reagan and Jasmine chatting in the waiting room. The second Reagan stands, I break down. “I’m pregnant,” I blurt, tears bursting forth and rolling down my cheeks.
“Oh girl, come on, let’s get outside so we can talk.”
She leads me outside and sits me down on a bench in the breeze. Jasmine sits on the other side, and the two of them stare at me.
“Is she sure?” Reagan asks.
“Yes, apparently quite sure. I don’t know how this happened.”
“It’ll be okay.” Jasmine squeezes my hand. “We’ll figure it out.”
I swallow hard. “I can’t believe this. I don’t know if I’m ready.”
“Come on, let’s go and find somewhere to sit and talk more.”
Reagan finds a cafe nearby where we sit and talk it out.
I do feel a little better by the end of it, though my body is still numb when I think about the fact that there is a tiny baby inside me.
When they drop me home, Travis is sitting on the porch, beer in hand.
I get out of the car, and Reagan assures me it will be fine, and to call her when I have told him.
I get out, legs jelly, and walk up the porch.
“Hey baby,” he murmurs. “How are you?”
I texted him and told him I was going to the doctor, but that is as far as I got.
“Can we talk?” I manage.
“Yeah, but first,” he hands me a slender box. “Your birthday gift.”
I take it, trying not to cry, and open it to reveal a delicate diamond necklace. Tears sting my eyes. “It’s beautiful.”
“Nothing could ever be as beautiful as you, but it comes close.”
I take a breath, really not sure how to tell him, so I avoid the subject for a second. “Janice...how is she doing?”
“She’s holding up,” he replies, keeping his tone even. “I’ve advised her to go to the police. I can’t help her further. You’re right, I don’t want anything to come between us and if he is this dangerous, she needs to get a protection order.”
I nod. “Thank you, for doing that for me. I don’t want her problems to be ours. Especially not now.”
He tips his head slightly, confused. “Why not now?”
I draw in a shaky breath. “I’m pregnant.”
He blinks, and the air around us feels as though it just stops and the world goes still.
It takes him a moment to respond. “You’re pregnant?”
I nod.
He runs a hand over his face. “How?”
“I would like to think by this point in life, you know how...”
“Fuck. You were on the pill, you said you were on the pill...”
“I did, I was, I just—sometimes I missed a morning, especially with the shooting and stuff...”
The words bunch up in my throat. I study the porch steps, so I don’t have to see the way Travis is looking at me. He doesn’t look angry, just shocked and not in a good way. “I’m sorry.”
He runs a hand down his face. “Violet, do you understand—”
His jaw sets and he shakes his head and downs the last of his beer.
The bottle clinks on the wood. I want to tell him how unreal it still feels that I woke up this morning and a splatter of pink on a flimsy strip changed every cell in my body, that part of me is still convinced the doctor was wrong.
I want him to say, “It’s okay. We’ll get through this,” because I don’t know what else will help right now.
Instead, he steps down onto the lawn, claps his hands and paces. “We had a plan. I got clean. Slowly working on Amber, and we were going to take it slow. How does this happen?”
“Stop it.” I hear the crack in my own voice. “You think this is all on me? Like you don’t have any part in it?”
That stops him. He stands with his back to me, fists jammed in his pockets, then spins and fixes me with a stare. “You know what I mean. Jesus, Vi.”
“Don’t call me that,” I say, quieter than I mean to, but it comes out anyway.
He walks back up to me. “What are we going to do?”
“I don’t know. But it is clear you don’t want it.”
“I never fucking said that, don’t put words into my mouth. I just don’t want to screw this up again. I’m fucking terrified, okay? That’s all I am, all the time, and now—now it’s happening again and—” He cuts off, teeth clamped so hard I can see the vein twitching in his neck.
This is going to get out of hand, and I don’t want it to, so I wipe my face with the heel of my palm and stand, walking down the steps towards my car. Travis calls my name, his voice thick with confusion. I don’t answer. I don’t look back.
I don’t know what to do right now.
I really don’t.
Travis
The neon glow of the backstage bar slants across the metal countertop as I pour another shot of cheap bourbon. I knock it back, the burn settling in my chest.
“Violet’s pregnant,” I say, voice rough.
Harley, who is leaning against the bar with a shot in his hand, pauses and his brows shoot up. “Well fuck, brother. You two don’t waste any time. It’s a good thing, right?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I didn’t handle it real well.”
Harley taps ash from his cigarette into an empty glass. “Maybe it’s what you two need.”
I snort, taking another shot. “I was a dick to her. Poor girl looked like hell when I saw her last.”
“You were blindsided,” Harley says, voice low. “We don’t always react how we should. She’ll forgive you. She always does.”
I stare at the floor. “I don’t know if I can be a dad again. I just got clean, man.”
Harley nods, exhaling smoke. “You’ll be fine. Hell, you’ve got even more reason to stay that way now. You already have a kid, man, what’s another one?”
I shoot him a look. “We just got into a good place, and even then, it’s still rocky at times...”
“That’s what this is really about,” Harley interrupts. “You’re scared she’ll walk out again, and this time it’ll kill you.”
“She has a baby in her, that is going to change everything. I don’t know if I could handle her leaving, and taking my child, too. It was hard enough losing her...”
He steps closer. “I don’t think she’s going anywhere. You broke her heart before—yeah—but she still believes in you. She’s crazy about you, Travis.”
I trace a line in the condensation on my bottle. “Yeah but being a mother makes them see things differently.”
“Maybe, but she made the choice to stay, to be with you. She’s tougher now, and she’s sure. You two have been through shit most couples never see.”
I run a hand through my hair. “Yeah. You’re probably right.”
Harley smirks. “Of course I fucking am. Now get your ass back home and make this right.”
I snort, leaning back. “Trust you to give it straight.”
He claps me on the shoulder. “Sometimes you need a kick in the ass more than a drink. Go home, man. Give that girl the answer she needs—a promise you’ll stick around.”
I push to my feet. “Later, brother.”
Another grin. “Later, champ.”
Violet
The house is silent except for the hum of the microwave.
I heat a frozen dinner I’ll probably never eat.
I haven’t messaged him, haven’t chased him up, because I know he needs time.
That doesn’t mean I haven’t spent the night overthinking and crying, trying to wrap my own head around it.
I eat one bite of food, then groan and toss it, heading to bed.
There is no point in even trying tonight, my brain isn’t going to let me do anything.
Somehow, I manage to fall into a deep sleep. It’s around midnight when I feel the mattress dip beside me. Travis’ arm snakes around me, heavy, reassuring. I freeze until he slips a hand under my shirt and palms my belly.
“Is there really a baby in there?”
I swallow the lump in my throat.
He came back.
“That’s what the doctor said.”
“My little bean,” he murmurs.
I blink. “Bean?”
He hums quietly. “Yeah.”
Tears sting my eyes as I roll toward him. “You came back.”
“I was out of line, kid. I shouldn’t have let you walk out thinking that I don’t want this.”
“I understand why you did,” I admit, my voice small. “We have been through a lot, and things aren’t exactly stable. It’s a big thing to happen, and I know that you are feeling the weight of it all.”
He traces a finger over my belly. “It’s not just that. I lost you once, Mischief, the idea of losing you again, with a baby, is fucking soul crushing.”
He thinks I would leave again, and take the baby?
My heart breaks.
“I won’t do that to you again. You are my heart. I can’t give it to you again because you’ve always had it. What happened between us is what helped us get here. But things are different now. I made a choice to be with you and I’m sticking to it.”
“I know,” he murmurs. “Fuck, I’m sorry I let you walk away.”
My voice wobbles. “So, does that mean you’re okay with the baby? Because I need you to be okay.”
He rolls me onto my back and props himself on an elbow, staring down at me. “I was floored, yeah. But I’m okay. We’ve done hard things before, this should be a walk in the park.”
“Really?” My chest tightens with hope.
“Really,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I’m already a dad.”
“I worry it’s too soon.”
“Mischief, we’ve been two halves of the same whole since we were kids. There’s never a wrong time for us.”
“I love you,” I whisper.
“As much as I love you, I hope.”
“Probably more.”
He laughs, laying back down beside me.
After a moment, I whisper into the darkness. “We made a baby, rockstar.”
“Yeah,” he murmurs, then laughs. “We fuckin’ did.”