CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I must’ve been out of my mind for a minute when I figured spending more time with my grandmother would be the first step toward creating an actual life, the way Jake inspired me to do.
It’s always easier to handle her in my mind than it is in person. Especially when she’s staring at me like I grew a second head—and all because I made the fatal mistake of suggesting she read my work.
“I thought you should read it.” I nudge the advance copy of my latest book across the dining room table, toward Grandmother.
“Now that your friends have seen me in the last couple of months, they might be likelier to pick this up if they run past it, and you should know the sort of stuff that’s in there, just in case. ”
She eyes the book like I just dropped a cockroach on the table. “Is it … violent? I thought you wrote romance and love.”
“I do. There isn’t any violence.”
She looks from the book to me, eyes wide with confusion. “Why do I need to read it then?”
“Are you seriously doing this to me?” I whisper while my cheeks flame up.
We’re both grown women, and goodness knows she doesn’t normally have a problem with talking about sex and men and all that stuff.
Why is she playing dumb with me now?
“I don’t understand. Help me under—”
“Sex, Grandmother. There’s lots of sex. Detailed sex.”
She doesn’t flinch or even blink. “And?”
“And … you might want to be aware of that.” I lean in a little, studying her. Is she for real? If not, she has an awfully good poker face. “You mean, it doesn’t matter whether there’s sex in there or not?”
“No.”
“It doesn’t embarrass you?”
“No! What’s so embarrassing about sex?” She throws a hand into the air, scoffing. “Please. It’s the one thing we all have in common, darling. The thing that got us here—almost all of us anyway, excluding scientific measures. You know what I mean.”
“It doesn’t make you uneasy? Knowing I wrote it?”
“Heavens, no. You always manage to underestimate me, Kathryn. You should know by now that I’m no prude.” She takes a sip of her martini. “I didn’t have a problem with that last book you wrote. By the way, I had no idea you released books so frequently now. You aren’t working too hard, are you?”
“Whoa. Wait a sec.” My mind is being blown as we speak. “You read the last book? You’ve read my books?”
Her glass clinks against the table. Rings glitter as she folds her hands. “Were you under the misconception that I would avoid reading my granddaughter’s books for any reason? Did you believe anything in the world could’ve kept me from reading your work?”
Just when I thought there was no blowing my mind any further. “You never want to talk about it.”
“Oh, please. Talking about work? How gauche.” There’s a twinkle in her eye and just the tiniest smile tugging at her scarlet lips. “I must say, I’m sorry you took my reticence as a sign of my not caring. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“I underestimated you.”
“It appears you did.” She sniffs, but her eyes are still twinkling. “For what it’s worth, you are an excellent writer. No matter the level of … spice.”
“You think so?”
“I think so, as do thousands or even millions of readers, darling. At such a young age, you are a huge success. I must say, I envy you.”
“Me? Why would you envy me?” What an afternoon this has been for surprises.
“You know what it is you want to do with your life. You have a talent and the means by which to use that talent. Do you know how many people live their entire lives without any of those things? Far too many.”
Does that mean she’s one of those people?
“Did you do what you wanted?” I ask, and it occurs to me that we’ve never had a conversation like this. So open and honest with so many of the carefully constructed walls between us crumbling.
They’re thin, those walls, and invisible for the most part. But they’re there. I think it must come from her breeding, not to mention the time she came from.
She gives me a blithe shrug. “I did what I did. I married who I was supposed to marry. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t regret it for a minute.
I would rather have had twelve years with your grandfather than a lifetime with any man.
Once he was gone, I had your mother to fill my time.
My life. I can’t say I would change much that was within my power to change. ”
She didn’t exactly answer my question, did she?
Yes, she did. Not flat out, not in so many words, but I understand. She has regrets. Too many people do.
I guess it’s up to me to make sure I have fewer than she does by the time I’m her age.
“So, I take it, you’ve broken things off with your doctor friend.” She picks up her knife and fork to flake off a piece of salmon, though she never stops looking at me.
“Boy, you won’t even give me a chance to recover before you go in for another punch,” I groan. “Yes. It was a mutual decision.”
“You didn’t lock him down.”
“I did not.”
“I warned you that you’d better lock him down.”
“I couldn’t help what happened. He wasn’t ready to be with me. Or anybody.” No matter how easygoing and progressive she is when it comes to sex, there are certain things I have no desire to discuss with her.
She doesn’t need to hear about his little faux pas.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” she sighs, shaking her head. “What a waste. Though there’s no telling how he’ll feel in six months, darling. I wouldn’t go erasing his phone number from your cell, in other words.”
“I know what you mean. But I don’t want to look desperate. Besides, if I’m going to write about another sort of man, I have to try to date that sort of man. I can’t tie myself down to any one person right now.”
“I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“I’m being perfectly safe and responsible,” I make sure to say even though talking to her about things like this makes my skin crawl.
“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about you wasting the prime of your life, dating men simply for the sake of writing about them.
Who do you have to date next time? A circus performer?
Perhaps someone who eats fire? Or an exterminator?
Not exactly the sort of person I want to see you settle down with. ”
“Nobody ever said anything about settling down.”
“One day, you’ll have to.”
“Says who?”
“Says your grandmother, young lady. Do you expect me to leave this life someday without knowing you’re going to be taken care of?”
“I don’t need to be taken care of.”
“I can’t say I agree.” She goes in for more salmon. “Not hungry?”
“I’m sorry.” I have to put down my silverware. “I’m not. Talking about Jake has me a little sad. That’s all.”
She puts her silverware down too. “My dear, I didn’t think. I apologize. He meant a good deal to you.”
“He shouldn’t have, but he did. This is the second time I’ve done this to myself in less than a few months—caring too much for someone when I know I shouldn’t. I can’t help it.”
“You’re a loving person,” she murmurs. “It’s in your nature. You remind me so much of your mother sometimes. She loved with her entire heart freely. I was never able to love that way, so exuberantly.”
I have to smile at the memory. “She was a big hugger. She’d squeeze until I was sure she was breaking my ribs. But I miss those hugs so much.”
“It’s a beautiful thing, being able to love that way. But”—she lowers her brow—“not at the expense of one’s heart. You must know where to draw a line between being open to wonderful things and protecting yourself.”
“I’m learning that. The hard way.”
“Sadly, that’s the only way of learning such lessons. Wouldn’t it be lovely if one could simply know everything without going through pain? But how boring life would be.”
Once again, I want to be her when I grow up.
“I’m sorry though.” I wince. “I know you said I was out of the will if I didn’t lock Jake down.”
“This is true. I did say that.”
“I guess you can give everything away rather than leaving it to me.”
Another smile makes her lips twitch. “I suppose I can overlook my threat—this time. Though I can’t make any promises for the future.”
“That’s all right.” I shrug, picking up my silverware now that my appetite seems to be surging back. “I don’t plan on needing any of the family money. I’ll build my own empire.”
“I have no doubt that you will do just that.” She smiles before adding, “But your inheritance is still there, just in case.”
Honestly, I expected that.