Chapter 24 #2
Something about this thought process must show on my face, because he sets his fork down and pivots in his seat to face me. “What’s wrong?”
I fidget with my napkin. “It’s not you.”
“I’m here, okay? I’m right here if you need me.”
Yes, he’s here now, but he won’t always be. Is it better to protect myself from that pain now or wait until I’m in deep with him again?
Lark and Callum thank everyone for joining them.
Her eyes train on me, slightly watery, her smile filled with love and gratitude.
I hate keeping secrets from Lark, but I can’t tell her about the test results now.
It would hover over her romantic Spanish honeymoon like a dark cloud.
For her sake, I grin widely and pass out the bubble favors that Aidan and I made.
Everyone heads outside, bubbles in hand, for the honeymoon send-off. Aidan’s eyes glimmer with anticipation as we follow Callum and Lark toward their Peugeot, only to find the hearse, decorated in streamers and flower garlands instead.
“Who’s responsible for this?” Callum laughs. Lark shakes her head in amusement, but delicately touches the sunflowers and acknowledges Saoirse in the crowd.
I grab Aidan’s hand and raise it for him. “It was all this guy’s idea.”
“Look,” Lark cries, “the garland on the back window!”
I affectionately nudge Aidan. “You did good.”
“I had a little help.”
After a flurry of photos, bubbles, and more tearful hugs, Lark and Callum ride into the countryside as husband and wife. The official end to the weekend’s festivities feels bittersweet. Some guests linger and chat while others head to checkout.
“I have a lot of packing,” I tell Aidan with a reluctant smile. “A bunch of Lark’s stuff she’s not taking on their trip, plus my own bag.”
“Ring me and I’ll give you a hand to the car when you’re ready.”
Every cell in my body aches to kiss him, but my mom pouncing on my love life is the last thing I need. I call on my sense of self-discipline and pull away. Will I ultimately need to do the same to protect my heart?
Before I can unlock my room, my dad corners me in the tapestry-lined hallway. “Cielito, what were you thinking for dinner? Someone told me they have amazing seafood at this waterfront bistro. I remember how you love that.”
“I don’t know,” I say, letting the exhaustion come through in my voice. “Whatever.”
I’ve masked it for my mom. For Lark. For Aidan.
But I’m tired and scared and agitated, and my dad’s presence isn’t helping.
Those test results brought all those ugly, helpless feelings right back to the surface, but worse: They reminded me that he couldn’t handle me sick.
Why should I bother protecting his feelings when he couldn’t put mine before his own comfort when I was just a sick kid?
And I’m sure this new attempt at spending time together will come to a swift end the moment I get sick again.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I snap. He backs into the hallway. “Seafood is fine. Pick whatever you want.”
“Stop this resentment, Lo. Ever since you were little, you’ve held on to your anger so tightly. I can’t change the past, and I’m sorry for it, but I want to know the woman my own daughter has grown into. You’ve practically cut me out of your life—”
“Oh,” I scoff incredulously. “You feel hurt that I’m cutting you out of my life? You cut me out when you couldn’t handle what I was going through.”
“I felt like a failure. I couldn’t even donate marrow to you. The only time I felt useful was when I was working, so that’s what I did.”
“Why have you waited so long to say any of this?”
“How can I ever start to make it right if you won’t give me a chance?”
“Just give me some space, please? You’re usually pretty good at leaving me alone when I’m emotional.”
My dad’s mouth pops open, but he doesn’t have a rebuttal. We both know I’m right. Guilt prickles in my chest, but if anyone is going to be the target of my ire, it’s him.
Blowing up at my mom would only set off her internal alarms that something is wrong, sending her into Helicopter Parent DEFCON 1.
Lark doesn’t deserve any of my negativity to begin her marriage.
And I’ve just started to test out forgiveness when it comes to Aidan.
I don’t want to go backward with him. Although, if I had to pick a runner-up for my dad, I wouldn’t mind smashing one of Aunt Sharon’s crystal bowls to banish some of my bad vibes .
Fuming, I jam the keycard into the lock and shove the door open. It shuts as my dad says something—I can’t make out his words, but it doesn’t matter. He leaves. He always leaves. So he might as well do it again, now that I want him gone.
Packing up the bridal suite to an “auditory Xanax” playlist takes longer than I expected.
It’s all right. Making myself useful to someone else without actually being around anyone else is exactly what I need right now.
I pore over the checklist of items, ensuring nothing gets left behind in Lark’s haste to make their flight to Barcelona.
The door of the bridal suite clicks shut behind me as I lug the duffel bag over my shoulder and roll Lark’s suitcase behind me with my overnight bag balanced on top. I press the elevator button and hear Aidan’s soft admonishment.
“Hey, hey, you said you’d text me to help with these, then I look up and see you buried in luggage from the lobby.” He’s a little breathless, having rushed up the stairs to alleviate my burden.
“I got it,” comes out of my mouth even as I reluctantly release my death grip on the strap.
The elevator arrives with a ding and we step inside.
“Just because you can do it doesn’t mean I’m cool with you doing it on your own. You can accept help, you know.” Aidan smooths a hand over my bare arm. “What happened?”
“Where to begin?” I mutter. I’m furious.
This health scare couldn’t have come at a worse time.
I’m under a ton of pressure in my clinical rounds.
Surrounded by family members who send my blood pressure skyward.
My fear of abandonment is rearing its head, warring with my newfound hope that a future with Aidan is possible.
I should never have been given access to those results without the guidance of my doctor, either. Add it to the list.
Aidan’s arms curl around me. I feel so brittle. I tell him what I feel able to share.
“I don’t know if I can ever forgive my dad.
He left me when I needed him. I understand he wanted to provide for us, but he made it a point to be away, even when it interfered with big events.
It makes it really hard to play nice with him now.
He’s only back at his own convenience, to assuage his own conscience about my childhood.
He’s only here because he thinks I don’t need him. ”
And I hear what I said at the end of the outburst. “I don’t,” I quickly correct myself. “I don’t need him. I don’t need anyone.”
Aidan’s arms tense slightly, but he knows it’s true.
Other than Lark and Oisín, I’m not close with many people.
I could get by on my own. But Aidan, here in this enclosed space with me, encumbered by luggage, forces me to acknowledge that sometimes, you find someone you can trust to share some of your burden.
Aidan swallows thickly. “Lo. There are people in your life who don’t want you to do it all on your own because they love and respect you.”
Before the elevator opens, I run my hand along his stubbled jaw and give him a soft kiss.
I spent the last of my energy lashing out at my dad.
The spike of adrenaline from the discovery of my lab results wore off long ago, leaving nothing but a simmering sense of dread.
If my mom and Aunt Sharon hadn’t already made plans, I’d be tempted to hang a Do Not Disturb sign on the door and hide under the covers of that four-poster bed with Aidan.
Instead, we lug the suitcases out to the parking lot together.
A porter from the castle is assisting my mom and Aunt Sharon with bringing their bags down to my car.
My mom looks Aidan up and down. Of course, she’s been giving him the stink eye ever since she noticed his tattoos.
Never mind the fact that Aidan has been nothing but polite in her presence.
He stuffs Lark’s luggage and my bag into the trunk and lingers after it slams shut.
“I’ll call you later,” I say.
“I’ve heard that before,” he replies. Fair point.
Kissing in front of my mom isn’t going to happen, but I step into Aidan’s arms for a hug.
I greedily inhale his sandalwood warmth, but I remind myself that this isn’t a final goodbye.
Not yet. He’ll be in town for a while longer.
He might even decide to stay. I move out of his arms far sooner than I feel prepared for.
I wait until our eyes meet before softly reassuring him, “I’ll call. Promise.”
He’s going to stand there and wave as we drive away, isn’t he?
“You know him well?” my mom asks the instant I shut the driver’s door. She didn’t even wait until I’m buckled in and the car is in motion before starting the inquisition.
Aunt Sharon lowers her sunglasses on her nose. “He’s got a great aura.”
Eew. “Please stop looking at Aidan’s aura.”
My mom scowls at him through the mirror. And yep, he’s waving all right. “What does he do for a living, again?”
She remembers. She grilled him about his work history like he was interviewing for a job. Aidan described himself as a recording artist.
“He’s a professional musician.”
“I don’t know Irish Gaelic, but ‘musician’ universally translates to ‘unemployed.’?”
“He was nominated for a big music award a few months ago, Mom.”
“You’re awfully defensive over this man.”
“Yeah, well, he hasn’t done anything worth attacking.”
Thank god I never told her the truth about us. She’d never forgive Aidan if she knew how badly he’d shattered my heart.
Aunt Sharon takes out her phone and starts rattling off the itinerary.
I simply don’t have it in me. For weeks, I’ve been feeling run-down during my rotations, which I now know may be the cancer coming back.
In this instant I’m exhausted on a spiritual level.
This morning’s email was a wake-up call, imploring me to listen to my body.
When we arrive at Eyre Square, where she wanted to begin, I inhale through my teeth as we pull into a parking spot near the iconic display of colorful tribal flags.
“Listen, Mom, I’m not feeling so great. I’m kinda sensitive to all that patchouli, remember?”
“We’ll be out in the fresh air,” she counters. Her tone is sharp, but the disappointment on her face is unmistakable.
“Sorry. I need to lie down for a while. I can meet you for dinner after you do a little exploring by yourselves?”
Now that I’ve run my dad off, my night is free.