Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THANE
It’s been three days since I told Lottie she was my girlfriend, and I haven’t seen her…and it’s driving me up the fucking wall.
Siri said that’s normal after a fight, so I’ve done everything else it suggested.
Like sending flowers—I chose lilacs, even though it went against everything my narrator was telling me to do. Why would I send a gift that will eventually die?
I sent her a lilac tree instead.
Then it said to send chocolate, which I understand even less.
And this morning, I sent earrings from that god-awful place she liked at the farmer’s market. They cost twelve dollars. Twelve. She’s worth more than twelve goddamn dollars, but Google said to pick something I know she’ll like.
I don’t even know if they’re sanitary, so I bought clip-on ones to be safe.
Hercules trots over and sits on my feet. She’s been a mess since Boone started tearing apart the downstairs. I almost don’t blame her. It’s so damn loud I have earplugs in.
Reaching down, I pick her up and set her in my lap, then get back to work on my Whac-A-Mole project. My father is an even bigger piece of shit than I thought he was because he is Charlotte’s breach.
He’s been infiltrating her systems, then using that information to position companies as investors interested in partnering with her—companies he believes he can control. The fuck-face is attempting to sabotage her from the inside out, but what he doesn’t know is I’m quietly buying up those companies. Each sale is embargoed until further notice, so he won’t be any wiser until I want him to be.
Charlotte has set up appointments with some of them, but she has no idea those companies are now sitting in a trust with her name on them. I’m straddling the line of ethics here, but it’s for her own good, and I get nothing out of these deals, except, hopefully, that she’ll use her company to improve lives.
That has to cancel out the gray areas I’m operating in. Fucking gray. I’ve spent my life in black and white, but for her, I’ll blur every line that gets in my way.
I watch as my father is systematically shut out of her cloud services once and for all, knowing he’s probably losing his damn mind about it. But he’s never been as smart as he thinks he is, and he’s not nearly as intelligent as me.
It’s like a game, and every area of her company I boot him from, he’s automatically sent a meme of Hercules barking the word “loser.” It feels good to win.
A moment later, Kara bursts into my room.
“What did you do?”
Patience. Patience is a virtue. Patience for my sister. Patience for me. It’s a little mantra I’ve adopted before responding to her outbursts. Shockingly, it’s kept our encounters almost pleasant.
“I’ve done a lot of things, Kara. You’ll have to be more specific, but I also have a meeting starting in five minutes.”
Her body is one hard line as she taps her foot on my floor. At least it’s only plywood now. The first thing I had Boone do was remove the horrific excuse for carpeting.
“You really need to wear shoes in the house during construction.”
“Brad.” Even with earplugs she’s loud, but I remove them anyway and give her my full attention.
“What is it? What can I do for you?” I whisper. Rafe said it makes me sound gentler. It’s a giant pain in the ass to remember to do, but for Kara, I’ll do anything. She’s had a hard enough time with my father.
“That,” she points a finger at my face, “is weird. Don’t do that whisper thing with me. And what did you do to Lottie? I was at the library this morning, meeting up with her friend’s daughter.”
I frown, trying to recall a friend other than Jenni.
“Remember? Imogen and Emma?”
When I continue to stare, she grumbles. Perhaps we’re more alike than I’d first realized.
“Anyway,” she says while flopping down on my bed, and I bite my tongue so I don’t yell at her to get her germ-infected clothing and dirty socks off my sheets. “Sharky said that Lottie canceled all her appointments for the last three days and even turned away the Scuttlebutts. Three days ago, you were carrying her across the lawn and who knows what else. So what did you do? Sharky said she’s sick, but I’m not buying it.”
“Sick?” I stand abruptly, forgetting about Hercules, who lets out a scream as she tumbles to the floor.
“She’s not sick, Brad, and we both know it.”
“What did he do?” Rafe asks from my doorway.
“I didn’t do anything. Charlotte’s my girlfriend.” I stand about ten feet tall and fucking smile as though I’m trying out for clown number one in the circus.
What the hell is that about?
“I’m happy to see you’re so proud of yourself.” Rafe smirks. “But did she agree to be your girlfriend? That’s…”
“Fast.” Kara sits up and crosses her legs on my bed. Now I can view the bottoms of her socks, and I fight back a heave. They’re disgusting. Forget about a sex talk, maybe Lottie should have a basic hygiene conversation with her.
“Yes, she agreed.” What do they take me for?
“Okay, after she agreed, what happened?” Rafe crosses the room and sits next to Kara.
What did I do to deserve this hell? Now I have two dirty asses on my sheets. I’ll have to burn them.
“She asked me to leave.”
“She…asked you to leave. Her house?” Kara’s brows pinch together. It could mean so many things. Frustration, disbelief, anger, confusion. Why the hell can’t there be one expression per emotion?
My mind quickly breaks it down, but I can only eliminate anger since she’s not yelling or stomping. That leaves frustration, disbelief, and confusion, and unfortunately, they could all fit this situation, so I give up.
“Yes. Her father is suing her, we kissed, I told her I agreed we were in a relationship, then she asked me to leave.”
“Was she angry?” At least Kara appears more thoughtful than vengeful now.
“No. Maybe frustrated. Siri said when girlfriends are frustrated to send flowers, which I did, chocolates, for no known reason, so I did, and jewelry, which should have arrived this morning.” There I go, standing ten feet tall again.
“You…did all of that? On your own?” Rafe asks, then stares at Kara with his mouth hanging open.
“I’m not incapable, Rafe.”
“You love her.” Kara grins, and it knocks something loose in my chest that pinches my insides hard.
“What? It’s been less than a month, Kara. You don’t fall in love in a handful of weeks.”
Do you?
“Why not?” Rafe asks. How much longer will he be here? Where is that damn court order?
“Google says love takes time. Reddit says it happens in a natural progression over many months. YouTube says?—”
“So you’ve already researched this?” My sister is going to have drool running down her chin if she doesn’t close her mouth soon.
For the first time in my life, I roll my eyes. It’s not even something I was aware I could do. It feels oddly like stretching. “I research everything. If she’s sick, I’ll go check on her. Google said to give her space, but?—”
“She’s not home,” Kara says.
I turn to Rafe, and he shrugs. “I saw her car pull out a couple of hours ago.”
I don’t like the acidic sensation swirling in my gut. What if she really is ill? What if her father did something else? I hate that I haven’t been able to find what he’s suing her for.
How the hell can I help if I don’t know what the problem is?
“Thane?” Kara’s face is full of pity. The exact opposite of the way I ever want her looking at me.
“Hmm?” Bending down, I pick up Hercules. At least she’s stopped screaming every time I put her down.
“I’m not sure you can really research…love,” Kara says with a tilt of her head that makes me feel like a zoo animal.
“Of course you can. You can research anything.”
Knowing Charlotte isn’t home at the moment, I sit back at my desk and pick up a pen. It has a nice click against my thumb. I’m already late to my meeting with Roger, but something is niggling me about this conversation, and I don’t like it.
“But research is fact-based. It doesn’t allow for emotions or how people react to them,” Rafe says.
“What would you have me do, then?” I toss my pen on the desk to stop myself from clicking the top obsessively.
“Communicate. If you can’t find the words to describe what’s happening inside of you, then use words to describe why you’re doing what you’re doing.”
This is the problem with Rafe knowing me for so long. He understands all too well that, try as I might, identifying feelings, even my own, and putting words to them isn’t something that comes naturally to me.
I’m not even sure when I stopped trying. “I’ll consider it. I’m late for a meeting.”
“Don’t blow this, Brad. I really like her.” Kara jumps down from my bed.
As she walks out of my room, I realize she hasn’t slammed a door once since we’ve been here.
That must be progress.
Rafe follows her out. He knows when to stop pushing. He’s planted the seed, and now he’ll let it fester in my mind until it becomes as invasive as the poison ivy that’s taken over the right side of our yard. Something I only know because of Boone.
I thought Rafe’s name was fucked up when I found out it means wise wolf. But who names their son after a wine cooler?
Hercules wiggles her butt to get comfortable after I shift in my chair to log on to my meeting, and I end up petting her while the screen lights up.
She’s really not so bad now that she’s not honking and screaming all damn day.
“Thane, it’s about time. What’s up, my man? You’re never late.”
“You work on my time, and I’m not now, nor have I ever been, your man. What do you have for me?” It’s none of his business why I’m late.
“It’s the Sinclair deal. I know you said you didn’t want to push, but I think she might be willing to sell now.”
Ice crawls down my spine, vertebra by vertebra. What could he possibly know that I don’t?
He apparently takes my glare for permission to continue. “Her father is suing her for rights to her company, so?—”
“On what basis?” The muscles in my body tense up slowly, one tick at a time, until my limbs are cast in stone.
I must have shouted at Roger because now he’s blustering in front of my screen, picking up sheets of paper and discarding them almost as quickly. I know I have this effect on people sometimes—it’s why I pay more than any of my competitors.
Well, that and it keeps people loyal to me.
“Ah, I had the document somewhere?—”
“Summarize.”
“He’s saying she built her algorithm on his computers. She was in college when she started and was working as an intern at Sinclair Systems. Even though she’s his daughter, she would have still signed the same employee forms, and one of them states everything built on their system is their property.”
“Does it lay claim to anything they create while employed there, or just on their computers?”
I know she’s smart enough not to build anything on someone else’s system or do personal work on company time. But he is her father. Had she trusted him?
“Their network, I believe.” So, he’s not a complete scumbag then, just ninety-nine percent scumbag. “Based on what I’ve learned, she doesn’t have a relationship with her father anymore and would rather fold her company than let him have it. It’s the perfect opportunity for you to go in with a lowball offer. This isn’t common knowledge yet.”
“No. And hear me when I say this, Roger. No.”
His face tightens, but I don’t care enough to decode it. “If it’s not common knowledge, then how do you know?”
“I have a friends-with-benefits situation happening with a girl at the courthouse. She lets things slip occasionally.”
Who the hell would sleep with this smarmy excuse for a man?
Why are you working with him? My narrator chooses a fucking annoying time to point that out.
“Per our contract, this information stays between us,” I growl. “If I hear that you even breathe a word of it to anyone else, I will crush you. Do you understand?”
“Yeah. But?—”
“No buts, Roger. Our business together has officially concluded, so I need you to be very clear in understanding this—everything pertaining to Charlotte Sinclair’s company falls under the umbrella of my NDA. If word gets out about this, or anything else we’ve discussed in the past, you’ll be lucky to get a job at a 7-Eleven in the middle of Nebraska. Am I clear?”
“What? Are you firing me?”
I’ve never had a tolerance for whiny voices, and now is no exception. “You were contracted to do a job that is no longer required.”
“I—I know you went after her, you know. I know you’re still trying to work this deal. If you partner with Miss Sinclair, I still get a cut. You can’t ice me out on this, Thane. It’s unethical, and I’ll take it straight to Miss Sinclair if that’s what’s happening.”
My volcano erupts faster than I’m prepared for, causing my vision to blur into a hazy cloud of red rage. The thought of him anywhere near Charlotte, my Charlotte, causes my ears to ring and my clothes to become too tight. My skin feels as though it’s shrinking around my bones, and the light overhead begins assaulting my senses.
“Miss Sinclair,” I seethe, “is not now, and will never be selling her company.” I’ll make damn sure of it. “Our business is concluded. My attorney will send you a copy of the signed NDA to refresh your memory.”
I slam the laptop closed and, as gently as possible, set Hercules on the floor.
I don’t know what’s happening to me, so I pace and hit the wall each time I near it. The light flickers, and I slam my palm against the switch to turn it off. It helps, momentarily.
Pacing. Cursing. Hitting. Repeat. Then repeat again and again as my narrator shouts. One, two, three, and four. Two, two, three, and four.
Hercules sits in the corner, but I’m not sure if she’s making that whining sound or if it’s coming from somewhere deep inside me.
“Thane, breathe deeply. You’re holding your breath, and that makes it worse.”
I spin on Rafe, who holds out his arms to what? Placate me? Soothe me? There’s no fucking soothing this. The only thing I can do is wait for it to pass.
My narrator tells me to talk to Lottie and to send my lawyer a note about Roger. It tells me to breathe, and walk, and find a solution for her lawsuit. It tells me that Kara needs to be enrolled in school, and needs to go shopping, and apparently needs to have a sex talk. That Rafe is only trying to help, and the Scuttlebutts are pissed off that I haven’t signed up with the trash lady yet, all while counting in the background. It just never stops. Never.
“Thane, do you remember what this is?”
“Self-soothing,” I spit out on autopilot.
“That’s right. Some people go to the gym, some people take a shower?—”
“Yeah, I know. And some people spin in place and bang their heads. Others pace and tap and fucking hit walls. I know.”
“That’s right.”
“Maybe I can’t do this for either of them. Maybe I’m not what Kara needs. I don’t want her to…to be like me.” I’ve never feared anything, but I know with certainty that is my greatest fear, and it’s all-consuming. What if I’m not what Charlotte needs either? Can I ask her, or anyone, for that matter, to deal with someone like me? Someone so…damaged?
“He’s an idiot. Damaged. He can’t go to school. I won’t allow anyone to know that I have a fucking moron for a son.” Daddy’s words don’t make sense to me. I’m already doing multiplication. An idiot wouldn’t even be able to read.
“Jonah, please.” Mommy shaved her head last week. It’s weird, but she’s still pretty. “You know that’s not true.”
“Tara, I love you, but there’s something wrong with that child.” He stares at me like mommy did when she stepped in dog poop at the park. “I’ll not have him spinning in place and hitting himself because he doesn’t know how to use goddamn words. He’s not going to school, and that’s final.”
I do have words. Lots of words. Yesterday I learned “nostalgia,” and today I know “fabricated.”
“Jonah, promise me he’ll be okay, that you’ll take care of him when I’m gone.”
My mother died a week later.
“There’s nothing wrong with you, Thane.”
Rafe’s words rip me from a memory that generally only haunts my dreams.
“You were homeschooled but self-taught. You’ve had the privilege of building walls around you that keep people out, but you can learn and adapt. Lots of people are doing it every day. You’re not contagious, you’re not broken, and you have a big heart. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. I happen to believe you’re exactly what Kara needs right now. Maybe Lottie too.”
At Charlotte’s name, I face him and curl my hands into tight fists. Then flex. Then fist. Then flex until the volcano bubbles and gurgles to a stop.
My breaths are rough and uneven as though I’ve pushed my muscles too hard with Ivan on a bad day.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.” Rafe leans against the wall opposite me.
I’m exhausted and could sleep for a month. I haven’t had an…episode like this since college.
“I’m wondering what it would be like to be normal.”
“You are normal. But people with sensory sensitivities and other…tendencies have hopefully had many years of various therapies that have given them the tools and skills to work through things like this.” He crosses one foot over the other. “You haven’t had the same opportunities, but I also believe that anyone who’s been alone as much as you have for most of their life would need help acclimating to your situation. You raced into the fire when your sister needed you, Thane. You must see that grace is required to build new systems that work for you and even more time for them to become habitual.”
“I’m not always alone. I have thousands of employees. I have meetings every day.”
“You’re right, and you’ve grown accustomed to those systems, those situations. You’re the boss, you make the rules. You interact or hide away whenever it suits you, and you pay other people to do tasks that push you out of your comfort zone. Those are all coping mechanisms. But life outside of your company and the systems you’ve put in place there is more complex. Relationships and people in general are complex and constantly need fine-tuning.”
I sit down at my desk, and Hercules climbs onto my feet. It’s oddly comforting.
“You’ve simply never cared enough to try this hard.” Rafe’s voice is soft. “Not with me, not with your employees, and certainly not with your father. But for Lottie, you’re trying. And for Kara, I think you might be trying even harder. A comfort zone is a great place to be, but nothing can thrive there for long. So are you willing to put in the work, pushing against your boundaries, to make those relationships work?”
“Yes.” That response requires no thought. I’ll do anything for my girls, even if that means destroying my systems and all the comforts they bring.
When Rafe doesn’t comment, I lift my gaze to his.
“This is the most progress I’ve made with you in our nearly fifteen years of friendship. If you want my opinion, then I think Kara and Lottie are exactly who you need.”
I nod and exhale a harsh breath. Damn, he’s right—I do hold my breath a lot.
“We’ll take it slow, but I did come up to tell you that Lottie just pulled into her driveway.”
Clutching Hercules to my chest, I rise and stride toward the door. “Into the fire, huh? Who needs comfort zones anyway? Sometimes it’s better to get burned, don’t you think?”
Rafe laughs heartily as I pass him for the hallway, handing off Hercules on my way by. “This is something we joke about now, is it? Good to know.”
“You’re the one who told me not to take myself so seriously.” I take another deep breath and smile just a little when he isn’t looking.
Maybe, just maybe, this jackass has been right all these years.