Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
Jules
Over the next week or so, several things happened that changed everything.
The first, and best thing, was that I kept getting to see Tai.
We started with dinner on the Wednesday and spent so long there we almost got asked to leave because they wanted to close.
And after that we couldn’t stop messaging.
In fact, we’d been messaging steadily since our first brunch meeting, but after dinner on Wednesday it was like the floodgates opened.
It seemed like we had to tell each other every little thing that crossed our minds or send every silly meme or video we saw in the hope it would make the other smile. It was a good way to learn about what the other liked, what we found funny, and what made us laugh.
We met up again on Friday after work for a walk around Hyde Park and then dinner in a small burger shop. Tai didn’t drink and I wasn’t super fussed about bars, so we just didn’t go to them.
The following Wednesday, I took Tai to this tiny gallery in Soho where there was a late-night exhibition of street art, and he let me wax lyrical about form and style and the use of colour until I was blue in the face. But he never seemed bored, which was, quite frankly, a miracle.
On Saturday, he took me to the botanic garden at Fulham Palace, excitedly talking me through every plant he could find before producing a picnic from his backpack for us to enjoy in the shade of a large tree. It was all very easy and low-key, no stress or fuss at all.
It was almost strange, being able to do what I wanted or enjoyed, rather than having to immediately consider how Darius or Philip would react.
God, Philip wouldn’t have been seen dead in the burger shop or picnicking on a lawn.
He always wanted to go to the most fashionable restaurants and high-end bars, places where you went to be noticed, and snoop on other people.
And as for his opinions on street art, the less said about those the better.
I’d always wondered if dates were supposed to be emotionally draining, but I was starting to get the feeling that they were only like that if the person you were with was an arse.
Or maybe it was because what I was doing with Tai weren’t dates. They were just two people who’d discovered they had shared interests and enjoyed each other’s company spending time together.
Yes, it was that.
Even if, in the back of my mind, I could hear the very exasperated voices of my siblings telling me that’s what dating was.
“Do you fancy another Wednesday night dinner?” Tai asked in one of his voice notes over the weekend, because he’d taken to leaving me long mini-podcasts as he pottered around his garden, since it was more practical than typing everything out with dirty hands.
“We should probably talk about this thing next Friday too, since I’ll need to find something to wear and I want to get there with you.
Maybe we can meet outside beforehand? I don’t want you going by yourself.
Also, I want a rundown of who else is going to be there and if you want me to be nice to them or not.
Because if you want me to be petty and scathing, I will be.
Oh, and… no, sod off caterpillar, do not eat my roses!
You can’t have the sunflowers either. Sorry, where was I?
Got completely distracted there. Hey, do you want to come round here on Wednesday?
I can’t promise it’ll be anything fancy, but you could see the garden. ”
I stretched and smiled, that same feeling of butterflies returning, as it did with every message I received.
I tapped the little microphone button and slid it up, so I didn’t have to worry about cutting myself off mid-sentence.
I was still getting used to the concept of sending voice notes, because Darius and Philip never listened to them.
Apparently, I never had anything interesting to say.
But Tai seemed to like them, and enthusiastically told me to send more, so I was trying.
“I’d love to see your garden, thank you.
So yes, I can definitely come to yours on Wednesday, just let me know your address.
I should probably figure out what I want to play, Darius keeps sending me messages and changing his mind about all the details.
It’s, er, well it’s a little difficult to keep up with everything but I’m sure he’s just nervous. ”
I sighed. “Would I sound terrible if I told you I’m really starting to lose my patience with him?
I know he’s my friend and I should be grateful to have him, but still, this is too much.
I… I’m really starting to think my brother had a point when he said Darius was a terrible friend.
I’ve never said that out loud before. Does that make me sound like a complete dick?
Sorry, I’m rambling now. Thanks for listening. ”
I sent the message before I could think any better of it. Hopefully Tai wouldn’t judge me too harshly. But I didn’t feel too bad, for once, because Darius really had been dancing on my last nerve.
Over the past two weeks, he’d sent me endless messages about what he wanted, only to change his mind two minutes later.
From what he wanted me to play to how he wanted me to look, Darius’s demands were seemingly limitless and it had suddenly thrown into sharp perspective that he only saw me as someone he could use.
None of his demands were questions, nor did they include a simple please or thank you.
They were just barked orders, like I was merely an object for him to bend to his will.
Perhaps that was harsh, but it was how I felt.
And after yesterday’s list of suit, no suit, linen suit, blue tie, no tie, I should just buy a whole new suit because everything in my wardrobe was ugly, but it didn’t actually matter because nobody would be looking at me so I merely had to look presentable, actually I needed to wear black so I blended in with the staff, I was starting to question why the hell I was putting up with this.
Was I really going to let him treat me like this?
Did I think so little of myself that this is what I thought I deserved?
Yes, Darius and then Philip had worn me down over the years with their behaviour, but did that mean I had to keep accepting it? Would it be too late to start afresh, even if the idea terrified me?
Because maybe, just maybe, all those flaws they’d insisted I had over the years didn’t actually exist? Maybe they were just a way of controlling me and bending me to their will, stomping any last bit of resistance out of me so I wouldn’t argue with them.
Perhaps I was reaching, but in the two weeks I’d known him, Tai hadn’t made a single negative comment about me, and it was starting to make me realise that most friendships weren’t like the one I had with Darius.
My phone vibrated in my hand and I glanced down to see another voice message from Tai.
I bit my lip, debating whether to listen…
but then another message from Darius appeared at the top of my screen, quickly followed by three more, and that settled it.
I’d much rather listen to Tai tell me I shouldn’t grumble than read another list of orders from my so-called best friend.
“Score, Wednesday night garden hang out it is! I’ll message you the address but it’s not too hard to find.
I mean, I say that but obviously I’m here every day so who knows.
” I chuckled as I listened, his voice soothing the worries building in my soul.
“Also, you don’t sound terrible at all. Darius sounds like he’s being a dickhead!
I mean, I don’t know the guy, but from what you’ve said it sounds like he’s more interested in how he looks than anything else.
Like, he doesn’t actually give a shit unless you can do something for him but he flatters you and, like, I don’t know, love bombs you and throws all these fucking tantrums so you feel like you have to be his friend.
And when he is nice to you, you wonder why you thought badly of him, but it’s not really him being nice, it’s a manipulation tactic so you won’t leave or won’t question him.
I mean, he sounds like a fucking narcissistic wanker if you ask me, which I know you didn’t but you get my opinion for free. ”
A burst of cackling laughter rushed out of me, startling me and making Cécile leap out of my lap, but not before she kindly dug her claws into my thigh. “Ow! Cécile!”
She meowed at me and shot me a look that plainly said it was my own fault for making her jump. I was tempted to respond but I realised Tai was still talking and I’d missed what he’d said. I dragged the bar on the player back a bit, trying to find where I’d gotten to.
“You get my opinion for free… And your brother might have a point. But I know it can be really hard to admit this stuff out loud, or even just admit it to yourself. Like objectively, you can know that someone isn’t being kind to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept it or break away from it.
I think sometimes we think that it makes us look weak, or like we’re a bad person, or stupid for letting them take advantage of us, or whatever.
But you’re none of those things, Jules. You’re strong as fuck, and smart and so fucking talented it’s almost unreal.
And it’s okay to say that Darius is a knobhead.
You won’t be the only one who thinks that, and I mean outside of me. ”
Unshed tears pricked the corner of my eyes and I reached up to rub them away with the back of my hand as emotions swirled through my chest. Tai had managed to put all my fears into words, understanding exactly what my struggles were.
There was a vulnerability in his voice, something that told me that he knew how I felt.
Maybe he’d gone through something similar, or maybe I wasn’t the first person he knew who’d been manipulated by someone they called a friend.
Either way, it felt good to hear those words even if they were painful.
Because he was right. Darius had manipulated me, and so had Philip, but I’d never wanted to admit to it because, well, who wanted to admit they’d let someone take advantage of them for so long?
Admitting it made me feel pathetic and I hated the way my eyes filled with tears, pain crushing my chest and threatening to squeeze my heart so tightly it stopped beating.
My breath came in broken pants as I clutched my T-shirt, my eyes shut in the hope I wouldn’t cry. A warm lump wriggled into my arms as Cécile pressed herself against my chest, rubbing her head under my chin and purring softly. Her own way of telling me it was all going to be okay.
And it was.
Maybe not immediately, maybe not for months or even years. But for the first time, I realised I didn’t have to put up with this anymore. I knew what Darius and Philip had done to me, what they did to everyone around them.
But that didn’t mean I had to keep letting them do it.
“Thank you,” I said softly, tapping the microphone icon on the screen to leave another voice note.
“You’re right. I’ve been so scared to admit it, for all the reasons you said.
I always thought having bad friends was better than no friends, but I, er, you’re making me realise that’s not true. Having bad friends is much worse.”
I let out a tiny laugh as Cécile nudged my chin again. “Darius really is a massive knobhead!”