Chapter 42
ADELINE
Ireturned to Westwood Manor on Monday, prepared to dive right in.
Zach had emailed me yesterday, a painfully stale message that had been all business, like questions about where I wanted to begin cataloging—the attic, duh—and whether I needed additional storage bins or photography equipment brought in.
A messenger had delivered a set of keys to my apartment later in the evening, and while nothing screamed emotionally unavailable quite like couriered house keys, I supposed I deserved it.
I was the one who kept panicking every time things between us became real. I’d slept with him and then promptly failed to tell him I was still hopelessly in love with him. The fact he’d closed himself off to me was one hundred percent my fault and I knew it.
The girls weren’t helping much either. Jennifer had asked to see Zach approximately fourteen times since they’d gotten home yesterday morning. Lu had pretended not to care while sitting by the window like an orphan waiting for her sailor father to return from sea.
It made me feel terrible, but my gut instinct was completely broken after my marriage to Louis.
Every time something good happened, part of me waited for it to crumble beneath my feet, and if it didn’t crumble, I took an ax to it myself and swung until I’d cracked the very foundation I was standing on.
It had finally gotten to the point where I was seriously starting to wonder if Amber was right. Perhaps I really did need counseling. The therapist I’d gotten for the girls was so expensive that I hadn’t even considered making an appointment for myself, but I could afford it now.
Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea, spending just a bit of Zach’s money on my own mental health. It was certainly something to think about.
Trying to get my thoughts back on the job at hand, I climbed into the attic armed with my phone camera and a legal pad, deciding that I’d make an appointment soon, but I had to get this done first. The attic stretched the entire length of the house.
It was huge and given the incredible amount of art in their collection, it was unlikely I was going to get very far today.
So maybe I won’t wait to get it done done before I make the appointment. I should probably just call when I leave here. Right. That’s what I’m doing.
With my mind made up, I turned to survey the rows and rows of paintings stacked against the walls. Some were wrapped in sheets, propped beside antique furniture and boxes overflowing with old family junk. There was even a broken karaoke machine up here.
I imagined the Westwoods as I knew them now, powerful and serious, as kids or maybe teens, singing along to whatever songs they’d chosen on this old machine. I would have paid good money to see that.
Maybe one day, but for now, you have work to do.
I turned my attention back to the paintings, a pang of sadness shooting through me at the knowledge that they owned all this because of Douglas Westwood’s grief. It looked like he’d coped with it by purchasing half the art auctioned off in the Midwest.
On the other hand, his coping habits had certainly been healthier than mine. God, he might’ve spent a fortune, but at least he did it buying stuff that keeps its value. I’m simply making a habit of wrecking lives and avoiding everything.
I shook my head at myself, wondering what a therapist would say about that, but then, I got to work. I spent nearly an hour taking photos and making notes. Then a massive crash sounded somewhere behind me.
I yelped so loudly, I heard it echo around the room, and I spun around, nearly tripping over a crate. “What the hell?”
Theo emerged from behind a stack of covered furniture, coughing dramatically as dust swirled around him like it was upset about having been disturbed. He swatted cobwebs off his black T-shirt, shooting me an apologetic smile and lifting his hands as if to show me that he came in peace.
“Sorry,” he said. “I walked directly into a lamp.”
I pressed a hand to my chest. “Holy crap. You scared me. Why are you lurking around up here?”
“What? You’re the one who scared me. I thought we were being robbed.” He grimaced at a cobweb hanging off his sleeve, picking it off before glanced back at me. “Actually, are you robbing us? What are you doing up here?”
“Working.”
He looked around the attic with skepticism written all over his features. “Photographing all this old crap counts as work?”
“There’s probably several million dollars’ worth of art in here. I’m cataloging it,” I said. “What’s your excuse?”
He chuckled. “There’s also a haunted rocking chair. I doubt we’ll be able to sell that, though. What’s my excuse for what?”
“Not working.”
“Well, I was.” He slid his hands into his pockets, looking briefly uncomfortable as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Okay, to be honest, I was working on figuring out my next move.”
“Your next move?”
He shrugged. “Yeah. My next move. In life, you know. Your turn. Did Zach put you up to this?”
“The cataloging?”
“Yeah.”
Theo made a face. “Ah.”
I lowered my phone to my side, accepting that this was going to be more than a momentary interruption. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You know you don’t actually have to do any of this, right?” He sighed heavily. “My idiot brother clearly just wanted an excuse to hang out with you.”
Heat crept up my neck. I crossed my arms, my phone dangling loosely between my fingers. “That’s not what this is. I agreed to catalog your family’s collection.”
“Sure, and let me guess.” He arched an eyebrow at me. “He’s paying you enough money for this job that you can retire comfortably even if you don’t work another day for the next fifty years?”
“No. Well, I mean, yes, but—”
“He’s in love with you.”
My eyebrows shot up, my heart suddenly pounding like a sledgehammer. “What did you just say?”
Theo shook his head, looking at me like I was just too dumb to live. He also seemed to have decided to serve his brother up on a silver platter.
“He’s head over heels for you, Adeline. He’s just being incredibly stupid right now because he doesn’t want you to feel pressured to like him back,” he said slowly, like he was being careful about making sure I heard each and every word.
“He won’t marry you just for the family, but he’s still spent every waking minute trying to make sure you and the girls are taken care of. ”
I thought about the tuition payment. The estate account.
Wisconsin. The pool fence. Theo, meanwhile, just seemed to be getting started.
“The really insane part is he’ll probably never tell you any of this himself because he’s been drowning in regret for eight years.
He feels so guilty for not somehow getting you out of that marriage to Louis and it got even worse when he found out what it was actually like for you. ”
I stood there staring at him like the idiot he seemed to think I was, too stunned to even think actual words, let alone say them. I knew Zach still had feelings for me. Hell, he’d come right out in Wisconsin and told the girls that he loved me, but I didn’t think he’d actually meant it.
Love, as in, still in love. After all these years.
Hearing it said out loud, he’s in love with you, was like a shock straight to my nervous system. Somehow, I’d convinced myself this was different for him than for me.
I’d thought that maybe he still held a grudge because of our initial breakup and that he’d be sacrificing everything if he was forced to marry me now, losing his glamorous life filled with glamorous women and glamorous parties every night.
So yeah. I’d known that he cared about me and that he still wanted me physically, but I’d told myself rather firmly that our marriage was only happening because we’d been told to get married.
That was how our world worked. People like us didn’t get choices. I’d thought he was doing it because he had to and that he didn’t mind because the sex was good. Great, actually.
Life altering for me, but hey.
I’d genuinely thought that was all this was to him now.
As all these thoughts sped through my mind, Theo looked at me and started laughing.
Deep, actual belly laughs that made him double over.
“Oh my God, you’re just as blind as he is.
You two are unbelievable.” He shook his head as if in utter disbelief.
“Honestly, it’s almost impressive at this point. ”
I was still so stunned that I couldn’t even really argue with any of what he was saying, so I just shifted my weight on my feet and shook my head. “That’s not nice.”
“No, but it is hilarious.” The laughter finally subsided and he made his voice a little deeper, obviously trying to mimic Zach.
“He’s all like, I’ve been in love with her since I was sixteen but I’m going to communicate through trust funds and pool fencing.
Meanwhile you’re over here like, Sure, he rearranged his entire life for me and my children, but maybe he’s just being polite. ”
I almost threw my clipboard at him as heat flooded my face. “Yeah, okay. That’s enough.”
“It’s really not. He bought a half-a-million dollar SUV an hour before he left to pick you up for Wisconsin and told himself it was only for the trip, and he’s been pining for you and the girls ever since, by the way, but in a brooding, masculine way. It’s ridiculous.”
When I kept just staring at him, he grinned at me. “You were so obviously meant to be together that it’s painful for everyone else to watch, Adeline. You’re both just too chicken shit to do anything about it.”
I sank down onto an old storage trunk, my legs suddenly feeling unreliable. Dust puffed up around me, but I buried my face in my hands and ignored the fact that I was going to look like I’d crawled through flour after this.
“Oh my God,” I muttered into my hands.
“That’s a good reaction. It means I’ve finally gotten through to one of you. Thank fuck.”
“I messed this up with him big time.”
Theo sobered slightly, the grin gone from his mouth. “No, you panicked. There’s a difference. He told me what happened at the ranch and he gets that you were just scared out of your mind that night, but you really do need to realize that he is not Louis.”
“I know.”
“I don’t think you really do.” Theo leaned against a nearby stack of wooden crates.
“Zach’s been miserable for eight years. One fight isn’t taking him out of the game, but it would be great if you could stop comparing him to your ex.
The fact is that my brother would take a bullet for you.
He doesn’t give a fuck about whether he has a boy or any of that crap, and just for the record, we’ve got enough boys in our family.
We’re actually kind of rooting for girls now.
Not that we won’t love Tiberius anyway. Even with that name. ”
I didn’t know who Tiberius was or really what Theo was even talking about as he digressed, but I did know now that Zach really had loved me all this time. I knew that when he looked at me, he didn’t see an obligation to his family that would cost him his life as he knew it.
“What do I do?” I murmured into my hands, more to myself than to him, but Theo heard me.
“Um, hello?” he said slowly, like the answer was obvious. “Just be honest. Tell him how you feel. Is it really that hard?”
Yes. No. Maybe.
Telling Zach I still loved him too meant risking everything. It meant admitting that despite all my fear, baggage, and terrible instincts, I still wanted him with a truly frightening intensity, but it also meant giving him the power to break my heart all over again.
On the other hand, he’s had that power for years and he’s never done it. I stood abruptly and Theo rubbed his palms together. “Oooh, this is exciting. What’s happening right now?”
“Where is he?”
“What?”
“Zach.” My pulse was suddenly sprinting. “Is he at the office?”
His grin widened. “Nope.”
“Then where is he?”
“He took the afternoon off.” Theo looked far too happy about how worked up I was getting. “He has a race this afternoon, some stupid qualifier thing for a bigger race he wants to do later this summer.”
I frowned, but I was already moving to the door. “A race. Okay. Where?”
He rocked back on his heels, clearly savoring this moment. “You know, for two supposedly intelligent people, you and Zach really do make everything unnecessarily difficult.”
“Just tell me where the race is. Please.”
“I probably shouldn’t tell you for at least ten more minutes. God knows, it’s been frustrating the ever-loving fuck out of me, watching the two of you dance around each other, but that was mostly because of Zach. So I guess I’ll take it out on him, not you.”
He finally relented, giving me the location. I grabbed my bag and took off with only one thought on my mind. I needed to find Zach, and then I finally needed to tell him how I’d really felt about him every minute from the second I’d figured out what love even was.