Chapter 1
Aren’t you going to answer your phone, Kira? That’s the third time you’ve ignored it.” Juliet wipes her mouth with a napkin and pushes her plate to the side of the café table.
I look at my best friend and shake my head, my appetite disappearing. I need to remember to turn my phone ringer off and put it on vibrate. “I know who it is. I don’t want to talk to him.”
“Him?” Juliet’s eyes light up, and her black hair sways as she leans across the table quickly, clearly hoping for boy gossip. “Have you met someone? Are you holding out on me?”
I can’t help but smile at Juliet’s enthusiasm. “As if. I can barely keep up with classes right now. A boyfriend is definitely out of the question.”
“Then who is it?” Juliet sits back, deflated. She’s been trying to get me to go on a date for months, like she thinks a man will suddenly lift all the stress I’ve been under.
I sigh as I glance at my phone and see the Missed Call notification, verifying what I already knew. It’s Wes. It’s not like anyone else actually calls me these days – it’s all texting or emails. I’ve already listened to his other messages, and every time, it reminds me of how life used to be. A life when I was happy. I’m hesitant to tell Juliet that even his voice fills me with desire and reignites a flame I didn’t realize still existed for me. I haven’t seen him in years, but I had a massive crush on Wes when I was in high school. Wes was older and a soldier, and I loved how devoted he was to protecting our country. He was a man with integrity, and I knew even then that that was what I wanted in a man.
When I’m missing my dad, I listen to Wes’s messages over and over, just to have the connection to the man my dad trusted more than anyone in the world.
But still having a whisper of a crush on Wes is stupid. He is…was…my dad’s best friend. Last time I saw him, he was home on leave and about to get on a military transport to start a new tour in yet another desert country.
“It’s Wes.”
Juliet looks at me with exasperation. “And he is…?”
“He was my dad’s friend. They served together. From what I gather, he’s out of the Army and has settled here in Jefferson. Not sure why since he doesn’t have any family here.”
“Why won’t you talk to him if you know him?” Watching Juliet push her hair back, I can tell she’s frustrated with me. She’s asking for a lot of answers, and I don’t really want to talk about it. We usually share everything with each other.
“It’s…” I pause, trying to find the right words. “He and my dad were very close. Seeing Wes will just make me miss my dad more. Wes wasn’t the last person to see my dad alive, but he was there, too.”
A memory of him trying to trick me when I was a kid almost makes me smile. If you run fast enough, the raindrops won’t hit you. If you eat watermelon seeds, you’ll have one grow in your stomach! Even though he didn’t have kids, he loved dad jokes. “It’s…” my voice chokes as the raw ache of missing my dad crashes over me.
“Sweetie.” Juliet stands, coming over to hug me. “Maybe that’s why you should talk to him. Maybe it’ll remind you of the good times and help with some closure?”
I love Juliet, but she has no idea what it’s like to lose one parent, let alone both. It’s difficult to reconcile how just the sound of his voice sparks deep longing in me. Now, Wes’s voice is deeper and gravelly, like war and time have left an indelible mark on him. I may have had a crush on him when I was younger, but I’m an adult and should know better than to fantasize about my dad’s best friend.
“Anyway,” I say, forcing a smile and trying to push aside how listening to Wes’s voice lights a slow burn of desire in my core. “What’s new with you?”
Juliet’s laugh makes me relax a little. I hate being treated like a delicate creature because of my dad dying. Talking about my dad frustrates me and makes me sad because of how people treat me, but I also have a short patience for ‘everyday life’ stuff. It’s like everyone else is shielded from the pain of the world. Once my dad died and I saw the pain, it’s become all that I see. I know it’s not normal and healthy, but I don’t know how to get past this apathy.
“Everyone misses you. I know you’re still coming to school – at least sometimes – but people miss you when you don’t come to study groups or movie nights.”
“I miss everyone, too. Everything has just been hard, and you know I don’t like to make a big deal about things. But soon, I promise. I’ll work on seeing people more.” Or, I hope I will be soon. I’ve thought of taking a year off because it’s hard to focus on classes, but I’ve seen too many people do that and never come back. I only have one year of college left, and I know my dad would be disappointed if I didn’t finish.
“Kira, it”s been months since your dad passed away. I know it”s hard, but you can”t let life pass you by,” Juliet says, her voice full of concern. “You know that’s not what he wanted for you. He was so proud of you.”
“I know. It”s just hard to focus on anything. I don’t understand my life without my parents. Even though he was on the other side of the world most of the time, he stayed in contact weekly.” My voice cracks as tears threaten to spill over. We’ve had this talk before. She understands how hard my dad’s death has been for me, especially after my mother’s a year ago.
“I understand, Kira. And I”m here for you. We all are. But you need to try and get back to some sense of normalcy. You can”t stop living your life and ignore everyone,” Juliet replies, her voice softening.
And there it is…a truth bomb gut punch. My dad joined the military instead of going to college and always wanted me to have a good career and a nice life. “I know,” I concede.
I know she”s right, but it”s hard to feel much when life can be snatched away so randomly. My dad was everything to me, especially after my mom died. My heart died when that IED made me an orphan.
“Promise me you’ll try?”
“I will,” I say, though even I can hear how unconvincing my voice sounds. It’s hard to focus on school when the driving force in your life is grief.
“Kira, you”re smart and driven. You’re going to be so successful when you graduate. You’re the smartest person I know,” Juliet insists, her voice gentle but firm. “You can”t let what happened hold you back.”
I don’t disagree with Juliet, and I want to feel normal again, but all I feel is numb.
* * *
I turnon the radio as I drive to work, a burst of happiness in me as one of my favorite songs comes on the radio. As I sing, a sliver of hope opens up in me. I’ll make an effort with school. I’ll get my life back on track. Juliet is right that I can’t stay sad forever. Knowing how to move forward without my parents is hard, but I can’t just put my life on hold. What is it they always say? The only way out is through.
“Dammit!” I slam the heel of my hand against the steering wheel as I pull over, watching in disbelief as plumes of smoke pour from my engine. I carefully make it to the shoulder of the freeway, praying that my car isn’t going to need repairs I can’t afford.
When the smoke dies down, I say a little prayer as I turn the key to start the engine, but despite hearing the engine try to turn over, nothing happens. Please don’t die on me now. I turn the key again, but the engine is silent this time. I take several deep breaths and will myself not to cry.
My car is definitely not going anywhere.
I feel like I”ve been punched in the gut. Tears fill my eyes, and I slap my steering wheel again, but it doesn’t do anything to relieve my frustration – it only makes my hand hurt. Just when I try to make more of an effort and get back to regular life, something new goes wrong.
Call Wes.I know he would help me, especially since he’s been calling me, but I can”t bring myself to face him. As much as I need his support, I’m hesitant about seeing him. Plus, there’s the little matter of this crush I have again, just from listening to his voice in the messages he leaves me.
Yet as much as I want to figure this out on my own, I know I can’t. A tow truck is way out of my budget, but I know I can’t leave my car on the side of the road.
It’s not the end of the world, even if it feels like it.I take a deep breath and pick up my phone again.
“Hello? Kira? Is that really you?” Wes”s deep voice vibrates my phone, and I smile a little when I hear his voice. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever call me.”
He doesn’t sound mad, but guilt overwhelms me all the same. “Hey, Wes. I’m sorry I haven’t called you back earlier. It’s just…” My voice chokes.
“I understand. I’m sorry about your dad, and I know about your mom. Life has given you a shit year. I’d take that burden for you if I could. Don’t ever feel like you have to apologize to me. What happened to your dad…” Wes pauses, his voice hitching. “What happened was a damn travesty. I’m not used to it either. Every day there’s something I want to tell him, but…it’s like losing a limb.”
I nod, even though I know he can’t see me. It’s comforting that he understands what I’m going through. I know that Wes loved my dad like a brother. They had decades of history together.
“I hate to do this so abruptly, but... I need help. My car broke down.” I close my eyes and lean my forehead on my steering wheel. Of course, the day I decide to work harder and do better is the day my car bites it.
“Kira.” Wes’s voice shifts to no-nonsense. “Are you okay? Where are you? Did you get in an accident?”
“I”m fine. Just stranded.”
“Stay put and text me your location. I’m on my way.”