18. Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Eighteen
Parker
Four Years Ago
I stood by the hospital room’s window while the doctor examined Franny’s frail body. She had always been small and delicate, but since she got sick, she looked like a skeleton. She got so weak the past few weeks, she couldn’t stand on her own. I hated seeing her in the wheelchair, so I carried her in my arms wherever she needed to go. And every time I lifted her body, her diminished weight reminded me that she was dying. That thought was stomach-churning, but I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of breaking. My wife needed me.
“How’s the baby?” She asked the doctor after he was done with the examination and my heart clenched .
I wasn’t a religious man but ever since she got the cancer diagnosis a month after we found out she was pregnant, I prayed day and night.
At first I prayed to wake up and realize this was a fucking nightmare that never happened to us. Then I prayed for a magical healing. And now I simply prayed for my wife to live long enough to see the baby she so desperately wanted.
“Everything looks fine, Franny,” the doctor said and I wanted to scream. There was nothing that was fine about any of this.
She broke into tears as she did often nowadays, then sniffed and whispered, “Good. That’s good.”
When we first heard the diagnosis, Franny had the option to terminate the pregnancy and get a treatment. She refused in hopes that she would have enough time to deliver a healthy baby and treat the cancer after the birth.
But the cancer was aggressive. At this point we all were silently hoping that all of this wouldn’t be in vain and the baby could have a chance of living as his mother so desperately wanted.
“Parker?” The doctor's soft voice sounded too far away for the small room we were stuffed in. “Would you like to see the baby?”
I didn’t but I had said as much once and the pain in Franny’s eyes had gutted me. So I reluctantly watched my son on the monitor on every checkup ever since and willed my heart not to love him. Not when he was the reason Franny didn’t want to get a treatment. Not when I would probably have to bury him too.
Franny needed me to be a decent human being, so I approached the second monitor that hung on the wall, my back to Franny and the doctor. My eyes burned and I thanked the God I didn’t believe in, but hated anyway, that Franny couldn’t see the tears in my eyes.
The way I saw it I had only two things left to do. Ease my wife’s agony as much as I could and not let her see my suffering .
The image of my child disappeared from the monitor and I closed my eyes. Warmth dripped down on both sides of my face and I clenched my jaw. “I will be right back.”
I exited the room and as soon as I closed the door behind me Ryan and Jessica stood up from their chairs lined along the wall. They both saw the tears streaming down my face, but I didn’t care.
Jess gave me a quick hug. “Take a break, Parker. I’ll stay with her.” Then she slid into the room.
“Is she staying?” Ryan asked.
I shook my head. “The doctor advised her to stay, but she wants to go home. I know it’s selfish of me but I want her home too. I would lose my mind if she stays here. I would constantly wonder if she…”
I couldn’t even say the word out loud. She was slipping. And I couldn’t even say it.
“Mom and I can move in. We will help and you wouldn’t be alone,” his voice broke with the last word.
“It’s my job to take care of her, Ryan.”
“She’s my sister,” he argued. “Mom says she wants to be close.”
“That’s because Jessica can feel it too.”
“Feel what?”
“That the end is near.”
“Don’t say that,” Ryan said through clenched teeth. “He’s too small. He won’t make it.”
“I can’t think about him now.”
“What?”
“I need some air,” I started walking towards the elevators.
“I’ll come with you.”
“No. Stay here. Just call me when she’s ready to leave. ”
I stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor. The knowledge that Franny's time was running out gnawed at me, a constant ache in my chest that threatened to consume me whole.
For half an hour I walked aimlessly around the parking lot, trying to tame the rage inside me. Rage at me, for failing to convince her to terminate the pregnancy and get treatment. Rage at Franny for wanting the baby more than she wanted to have a chance at living. Rage at the doctors for not being able to keep her alive long enough for her to have a chance to spend some time with the baby she was so fiercely fighting for.
The weight of the impending loss crushed down on me like a ton of bricks, threatening to suffocate me.
I sat down on a curbstone, taking deep breaths when a shadow appeared on the pavement before me. I turned to see Jessica standing right beside me.
“How are you holding up?” She asked softly, and I knew I had no right to do that to her, since it was her daughter dying, but I needed a shoulder to cry on.
I broke down in tears and she sat down beside me, wrapping me in a tight hug, crying with me.
At some point, Ryan called and said Franny was ready to go. He offered to carry her out but I refused as I always did. She was my wife. My responsibility. And those were the last weeks of her life. I wanted to hold her as much as I could.
Carrying her to our car, I noticed she held new baby pictures from the examination and she was staring at them in silence.
I carefully placed her on the passenger seat and just as I was about to close her door, she pushed it open with the little strength she had left.
“Will you take me to The Gem? ”
My heart stuttered and my instincts told me to say no, but when was I really able to say no to that woman. “Are you sure? You could probably use some rest.”
“I’ll be fine. You are going to make sure of that.”
I smiled and sighed. “Just for a little while, okay?”
The Gemstone was a wedding present for us. Her father had built and developed it alongside a few other luxurious locations. Ever since she was little, Franny wanted to be the one in charge when the time came. Her father died when she was in high school and her mother took care of everything until we got married. We were supposed to take over, but the diagnosis ruined every plan we ever had.
The staff of The Gem gave us polite nods as I carried Franny through the lobby and into the gardens.
“Do you want us to walk around or sit somewhere?” I asked.
“I’m not going to make you carry me around,” she said with a smile.
“I don’t mind.”
I would have carried her non stop for the time she had left if that would make her happy.
“I want to sit somewhere and talk.”
“Okay.” I sat down at a bench, with her in my lap. “Comfortable?”
She nodded. “Remember our wedding day? I think the arch was right over there,” she pointed to the left.
“I couldn’t care less about the damn arch. All I saw was you.”
“I remember,” she paused and looked around for a moment. “I had big plans for this place. I always thought we had to change it a bit and focus on weddings more. Ours was so beautiful.”
A chuckle vibrated through my chest and I placed a kiss on her cheek. “Is that why we’re here? You want to drop hints about the things you want changed? ”
“Maybe,” she smiled and she looked so tired, I wanted to kick my own ass for agreeing to bring her there.
“I don’t know if I would have the heart to change anything,” I said honestly.
“I know,” she cupped my cheek. “It will be hard but you‘ll do it. One day. When you’re ready to move on.” I remained silent, because I didn’t want to burden her last days with stupid worries about my future. But she knew me well enough to read my mind and pressed me for an answer. “Promise me you will move on, Parker.” Her voice broke, then she tried to sound cheerful. “Promise me you will make The Gem the best wedding venue in the state.” I still couldn’t react to her words, and she added. “I know you will do it in your own time.”
We stayed silent for a while, enjoying the gorgeous sunset view we got from the bench.
“I think I’m ready to stay at the hospital now.”
And there it was. The moment I dreaded. “If that’s what you want,” I whispered in her ear.
“That’s what I want. I talked with the doctor again. After you left the room. It’s the right thing to do.”
“Can I come stay there with you?”
Franny looked at me and started crying. “Yes,” she barely got out between sobs.
I rocked her on that bench until her eyes dried. That was our last night sleeping at home. Three weeks later the doctors performed an emergency C-section. Our son died three days after his birth. Franny died a week later. And I buried my soul with them.