Chapter 8
AVA
Ava let her head fall onto Alex’s shoulder as she pondered the last twenty-four hours. He’d proved his loyalty to her once again with his epic hacking of the New Orleans traffic system. Why couldn’t she just lean into their relationship and trust it?
She swallowed hard as his private plane whisked them back to the Hamptons.
Just before they’d left the hotel, Alex had a small meltdown about their relationship.
She’d seen him upset before, so she could easily pick up on the signs, but she’d never seen him this upset, nor had she ever been unable to cheer him up.
She could feel the tension still in every muscle as she snuggled closer. He didn’t trust their relationship either. Was it the fear of losing her that made him nervous, or did he suspect they wouldn’t make it for another reason?
Was she the problem?
The question burned through her mind again like a glowing hot poker.
Chris had certainly thought she was. He’d said she was all about herself.
And he wasn’t wrong.
Ava absentmindedly stroked Gizmo’s head as she counted the ways Chris was correct. She was a hot mess half of the time and demanding the rest. Alex had talked her down from countless troubles she’d fretted over. And all the while, harboring deep emotions for her that he never spoke aloud.
He’d talked her through break-ups, he’d talked to her about other boyfriends, and all while he was in love with her. And he never said a word.
How had she missed it? How had she been so stupid?
She’d spent half of a lifetime with her best friend never even suspecting a thing.
The encounter with their college pal, Julia, in New Orleans had dredged up so many memories, including summers spent seaside with her and her boyfriend, Luke.
Their breakup and Julia’s marriage to the assertive, overly confident Grant Harrington had sent Alex into a downward spiral.
He likely assumed she’d do the same thing eventually. Would she?
She didn’t trust herself, assuming she’d find a way to ruin their relationship. He was trying so hard to “win” her, but what he needed to do was Ava-proof himself.
“I really don’t like this drop thing with Raven. I’m going with you,” Alex said after a while.
She craned her neck to glance up at him. “Okay.”
He furrowed his brow, pulling his head back. “What? No arguments? No lectures on being independent?”
She grinned up at him. “I am independent. That means I can do it on my own. That doesn’t mean I have to.”
“Good. Because I don’t want you to do it on your own. Oh, and I also know you can do it on your own. That’s the problem with you, Sparky, you don’t need me.”
“That’s not true,” she countered. “I’m a mess without you. I need you to carry me to the beach, so I don’t have to wear shoes. I need you to take care of me when I’m sick. And I cry a lot, too. You’re pretty useful then.”
He slid a lock of hair behind her ear with a slight smile. “Glad to know I have my uses.”
“You have a few. I’ll keep you around.”
“Good. Although, I still maintain you’re pretty awesome on your own. Maybe that’s your issue.”
She screwed up her face as she searched his eyes for more answers. “Huh?”
“You said you’re the problem in your relationships. But maybe it’s not you who is the problem, it’s just you who is awesome. You don’t need anyone else. And most men pick up on that pretty quickly.”
“So, what? I’m not needy enough?”
He chuckled as he rubbed her shoulder. “You’re not needy at all. Which makes it pretty hard to take care of you. Because you just…don’t need taken care of.”
She shifted in her seat, suddenly uncomfortable with the conversation. Was their relationship about to come to a screeching halt far sooner than she expected? “Is that what you think?”
“Of course. I know how smart and capable you are, Avs. I’ve always known. That’s one of the things I like most about you…and hate the most.”
“You can’t like it and hate it.”
“I can. I love your independence. But that also means that you don’t need me, despite what you say.”
“So…” She bit into her lower lip as she tried to search for the meaning hidden in his words.
“I love you, Ava. Every part of you…even the ones that don’t work to my advantage.”
The corners of her lips twisted up. “So, you love my independence?”
“I do. I always have. Do you remember how we first met?”
“We were in Advanced Java Programming together. I ran into you at the coffee shop after class. You ordered coffee with cinnamon.” She wrinkled her nose at the detail.
“Yes, you did,” he answered. “And I asked about why you were the only girl in the programming class. Do you remember what you answered?”
“Because why not? I’m good at it, I like it, and what does being a girl have to do with anything?” she repeated, recalling her answer.
“Yep,” he said, a broad smile crossing his features. “Gosh, you know…I may have been in love with you from that moment.”
She laughed as she leaned against his chest, patting it. “Instalove?”
“Instalove,” he answered, kissing the top of her head. “Okay, probably instalike. I just…immediately liked you. Although, I think that happens with a lot of men.”
She smiled to herself, listening to the steady thump of his heart against her eardrum. “It doesn’t.”
“What? Okay, that’s a lie. Men like you, Avs. Lots of men like you.”
“No. You like me. Lots of men like what they think I am like or what I look like.”
“I like the way you look. You’re beautiful.”
“You don’t just like the way I look, though. At least, I hope not.”
The hearty laugh resonated against her ear. “I like all of you. I told you that.”
“Well, there you have it. Lots of men don’t instalike me, they instalike their version of me. Chris liked a version of me.”
Her eyes turned glassy as the raw break-up shot through her again, shaking up her emotions and making her doubt her relationship with Alex again.
What if Alex was her rebound? Someone she clung to, to erase the hurt from the break-up with Chris? She’d ruin their relationship. Their friendship would be erased after decades. She’d ruin it with her selfish need to keep him all for herself and have his support to ride out the breakup.
“Crossbeam Chris was definitely not good for you.”
Her jaw tightened at the words. She leapt from her seat, clinging to Gizmo as she hurried away from Alex to the bedroom at the back of the plane.
“Avs?”
“I’m fine,” she choked out as she held back tears.
Chris had remarked about how selfish she was moments before he walked away from her, and he was right. She was being selfish right now. She didn’t want to lose Alex’s friendship, so she played along with him, knowing how desperate he was to be together.
But did she want to be with him? Or was she just desperate to not be alone?
She raced past the bed and into the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind her and flicking the lock.
“Ava?” Alex’s muffled voice called through the door.
“I’m okay. I just…needed a minute.” She forced strength into her shaky voice as Gizmo licked at a tear that had fallen to her cheek.
She glanced down at the tiny dog, a smile breaking through the tears. The little pup had been a symbol of their commitment. A promise from Alex.
Her grin devolved into tears. He’d made so many promises to her, he’d said he loved her so many times, yet here she stood, locked in a bathroom, unable to return those words for some unknown reason.
“Ava, open the door.” The door jimmied as he tried to open it himself.
“Just a second.”
“I didn’t mean to…insult you,” he ventured, his voice slow and unsure.
She sniffled as she glanced at the barrier separating them. With a hand pressed against it, she twisted her head, laying her ear on the cold surface. “Insult me?”
“Yeah…I…your taste in men…you…ugh, Ava, please open the door.”
She fluttered her eyelashes at the request, his stammering tugging at her heartstrings. He was desperately trying to ensure he hadn’t upset her. And he hadn’t.
Her own mind had done that. Her own self-centered needs had done it. She didn’t need an apology from him. He was the one who deserved the apology.
“Don’t apologize,” she answered. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Then why are you locked in the bathroom?”
“I…”
“Don’t say you needed a minute because there is a reason you needed a minute.”
She bit her lower lip, sucking in a shaky breath. “I just…this is all happening so fast. I just broke up with Chris.”
“Okay,” he answered, his voice unsteady.
“I don’t want us to fail.”
“Then open the door,” he urged.
She swallowed hard, shaking her head until she glanced in the mirror at her tear-streaked face. She was trying to do this alone, but they needed to face things together. His simple words encouraged her to do just that. To let him in when every instinct told her to shut down.
She’d always trusted him in the past. She’d never held back with Alex. She’d never felt she had to. But now, more was at stake, and it had turned her world upside down.
“Avs, I know you’re scared, so am I. But please open the door, okay? We can be scared together.”
The words made a few more tears fall to her cheeks as she rushed to flip the lock and pull the door open.
They collided as she flung her free arm around his neck, clinging to him like a ring buoy thrown to her in a turbulent sea.
“It’s okay, Ava,” he whispered as he wrapped her in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry I upset you.”
She eased her grip on him, pulling back a little with a sniffle. “You didn’t. I just…Not that long ago, I was in a serious relationship with Chris. And he was wrong for me. But now…I just don’t want this to be a rebound relationship.”
His brow crinkled. “I’m not sure we can be a rebound relationship. Technically, we were married long before Chris. In fact, maybe he was the rebound.”
Her features melted with discomfort. “Oh, gosh, no. He was the mistress. I’m an adulteress.”
He chuckled, using his thumb to wipe a tear away from her cheek. “Ava, stop. You’re letting that overthinking brain of yours run away with your thoughts.”