Chapter 13
CAIDEN
The monster was taking ahold of me as if I were a puppet, stringing me along, while I was dragged into its rage helplessly.
In that fort tunnel with her, the monster was nowhere to be seen. All I wanted to do was soothe her pain and cradle her close to me.
Amelia was walking side by side with Alex, looking so fucking happy. I wanted to skin him alive. I wanted to watch him scream while being tortured. The intrusive thoughts hurled themselves at me, and the self-loathing ran deeper.
The memory of the bonfire last night crept into my mind, and I cringed at the thought of it. It was the one thing I was trying so hard not to do.
Make a fucking scene.
I couldn’t help it. Seeing Alex kiss her caused something inside of me to snap, and I fucking crumbled. He shouldn’t touch her, he shouldn’t be allowed.
The only person I trusted enough to touch her was me.
Even though I knew better, the monster's hold on me was complete last night; the rage that fueled my desire for her destruction tasted like bitter bile in my mouth. I wanted to see the innocent light in her eyes fall, and to feel the same hurt that I felt.
I was so fucked in the head. I know it was not normal to think these things, to be two different people, but there were times when I couldn’t control it.
Then, when all was said and done, I had to watch the consequences unravel before me, powerless to turn back time.
We arrived at the bustling ferry pier, the salty air thick with the cries of gulls and the distant foghorn, ready for our trip to see the wild horses. Sydney and I were at the back of the group. She turned to me, a joyful light in her eyes.
“I’ve never seen wild horses before. This is going to be so great.” Her enthusiasm was almost child-like, and I attempted a half-smile.
“Yeah. I guess. I don’t see the difference between wild and tamed horses.”
Amelia overheard and shot me a glance, as if to say, ‘you’re an idiot.’
“There’s a huge difference. Tamed horses are tamed. Wild horses have a wild spirit; they’re untouched and pure. It’s stunning to witness.”
I didn’t bother to respond as we entered the ferry, finding a place on board. It was admirable, in a way. I envied a creature who was pure and untouched, not shaped by trauma or rage.
The ferry churned through the choppy water, the rhythmic chugging a counterpoint to the turmoil within me.
Sydney, oblivious, continued to chatter excitedly about the horses, her words bouncing off the steel walls of the ferry like stray pebbles.
I stared out at the churning grey sea, the wildness of it mirroring the untamed beast inside me, a beast I couldn't tame, couldn't even begin to understand.
The salty air did nothing to cleanse the bitter taste of jealousy and self-hatred lingering on my tongue.
Perhaps, I thought, watching the waves crash against the hull, the wild horses would offer some small glimpse of that untainted purity Amelia so readily described, a purity I so desperately craved, yet knew I could never possess.
I watched Amelia and Alex as they looked over the railing towards the water, pointing out different things that they saw.
The monster had slithered back into its cave, and now I wanted her more than her. I watched how her hair swayed, how her beauty gleamed. How fucking lucky Alex was to be something pure in her eyes, something that had never hurt her.
Unlike me, who had made her miserable for years. I thought I was doing the right thing. How could I have known any better? I was a fucking kid.
The salt spray stung my eyes, mirroring the bitter sting of regret. My reflection in the churning water was a stranger, a ghost of the boy who'd thought himself capable of love, let alone deserving of it.
Amelia’s laughter, light and fleeting as sea foam, cut through my haze. It was like a fucking melody to my ears.
My need for her was primal, like the ocean's reliance on the moon's pull, the desperate hunger of flames for oxygen, or a plant's thirst for sunlight. It was engraved into me since I was a boy, the first time I saw her, but it was overshadowed and masked by a rage fueled by my father.
Briefly, I imagined how happy I could’ve been if I had ignored my father’s abusive, drunk words. If only I had become her friend instead of her enemy.
We’d probably be married right now.
That thought, cruel as a winter wind yet soft as a summer breeze, both stung and warmed me.
Alex said something and wandered off, leaving her standing by herself near the far side of the ferry, alone. Most of everybody had gone inside the cover of the ferry to mingle and sit.
I moved toward her as if pulled by steel cables. Every nerve ablaze with equal parts dread and hunger. It was a need so vast it felt like it might swallow me whole.
“Amelia.” My voice was rough when I finally broke the distance. She turned, expression pinning me in place: unreadable, guarded.
“What do you want, Caiden?” Her words cut through the hush, clipped with frustration I couldn’t blame her for.
My carefully rehearsed confession vanished the moment her eyes locked onto mine. All I had was raw need shimmering beneath my skin. “I shouldn’t have said what I said last night.”
Surprise flickered across her face. A stray lock of chestnut hair drifted over her cheek, and part of me ached to tuck it behind her ear. But as quickly as the softness came, it hardened again.
“Why did you say it?” She crossed her arms, folding up like a trapdoor.
I swallowed, tasting bitterness. “Because Alex kissed you. How could I stand by and watch that, when all I want is to be the one kissing you?” A possessive heat curled through my veins. I stepped closer. She retreated until her back hit the railing.
A shallow gasp escaped her lips. Her eyes widened. “Caiden…don’t say things like that.”
I let the words hang between us. “Why? Does it scare you?” I closed the gap until my chest pressed to hers, felt her tremble beneath my pulse.
She whispered, so fragile it gave me whiplash. “We can’t. It’s too risky. And…I’m scared to fall into it.”
My fingers drifted along her arm, trailing goosebumps in our wake. I leaned in, breath hot against her ear. “Stop thinking for once. Let yourself fall. I’ll catch you.”
She whimpered, and my resolve shattered. I claimed her mouth with mine, fierce and unrelenting. The sea spray whipped around us as she returned my kiss, her hands tangling in my hair. The waves roared like a chorus to our frantic rhythm.
I let my hands explore every curve I could reach, memorizing the swell of her waist, the dip of her ribs, refusing to break away. She tasted like longing and salt and something dangerously addictive. My lips trailed down her throat, sucking softly, my grip on her tightening.
She slid her hands over my shirt, fingers grazing bare skin, igniting electric shivers across my spine. I groaned against her pulse: “Amelia…I want you so fucking bad.”
Her name on my lips sent something clattering inside her. She pressed a hand to my chest, eyes glistening with desire and fear. “I…can’t.” Then she slipped from my arms, her retreat a knife twist in my gut.
“What the hell?” My voice cracked with shock and fury.
She backed away, tears shining on her lashes. “Caiden, I’m scared. It’s too much. I know what I said the other night, but I was drunk and sad.” Her voice broke on the last word, cheeks flushed.
I ran a hand through my hair, anger and heartbreak warring in my chest. She was right. Maybe this was madness. “Fine,” I spat, voice hollow. “I’ll fuck off. You do the same.”
I turned without another word, leaving her by the railing, silent tears mingling with the salt spray. Behind me, the sea thundered on, wild and free, our storm left to rage alone.
As I walked away, I felt that frightened little boy trailing my shadow, still weighed down by my father’s endless rejection. Trapped in my own tidal surge, I didn’t know how to find solid ground again.