Chapter 21 #2
“Yeah, I know your story now. I’m still angry, though.
I can’t fucking control it sometimes. There’s a monster within me, and it itches to come out.
Like right now. I want to scream at you, I want to make you feel the same emotional pain that I felt.
But the other side of me craves your affection and attention, the part of me that had been fucking starved of it for so long. ”
“Oh, Caiden. I’m sorry. I never meant for you to mimic your father. But I’m here now. We can bond and have the son and mother relationship that I deprived you of those years ago.” Her eyes were so hopeful, so fucking clueless. I don’t think she had any idea how angry and damaged I had become.
“Yeah, whatever. I don’t have anywhere else to be, so I’ll be here for a while anyway.
But I don’t think this anger will ever go away.
It might lessen, but it’s a part of me. You abandoned me when I needed you the most, and I fucking hate you for it.
” I didn’t realize how badly my hands were shaking until I reached for my glass and nearly dropped it.
“I’m here now, like I said. You are a good boy, Caiden.
You might not remember much, but I remember you, how sweet and kind you were.
So, innocent. I wanted to visit you, I really did, but we were so far, and time slipped away.
I know that’s no excuse, but it’s all I can give you.
” She spoke of me in a reminiscent way, as if she knew me.
“Maybe. But that innocence is gone. It left the day you vanished. Like you said, though, can’t change the past, so I guess I just need to fucking deal with this somehow.
” It felt as if I were melting with how red my face had become from anger.
I didn’t have it in me to keep arguing about my pain, so I sat there and accepted it, needing to cool off.
“I wish I could ease your pain. I do believe that good boy is still in you, though, you just need to access him and let go of all your anger. I know it’s hard, I know the impact Brian had on you, but he’s gone, and I’m here. That’s all that matters now.”
As she spoke, I looked out the window, not able to look her in her eyes any longer. There was a tug of war between sorrow, yearning, and anger inside of me.
Maybe she was right. Maybe the good Caiden is still in there. I’ve seen glimpses of him. I just needed to fucking move on from all this baggage. I knew now that going with Amelia would help with that.
I had to go home.
I took a deep breath, trying to compose myself as the pain in my chest twisted tighter. Helen’s words tangled together. I could feel the warmth of her intention, but it was hard to separate that from the bitterness that had seeped into my bones over the years.
“Look, I don’t know how to do this,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. “I don’t know how to just let go. It feels like I’ve built this wall around myself, and to tear it down would mean inviting in chaos.”
Helen studied me, her eyes softening further. “It’s okay to be scared, Caiden. But you’ve already taken the first step by confronting all of this. Acknowledging your pain is the beginning of healing.”
I scoffed at her optimism. “Healing? That sounds like a fairytale.”
“Maybe it is,” she replied, a slight smile creeping onto her lips. “But every fairytale has its trials, and every hero has to face their demons before they can find their happy ending.”
A part of me wanted to laugh at her ridiculous metaphor, but I just sat there, staring at my glass of water, watching the condensation drip down the sides. “My demons don’t play fair.”
She nodded. “I’m here now, Caiden. I want to help you.”
“Help me?” I echoed, the anger swelling again. “You can’t help what you don’t understand. You left me behind, remember? You chose your new life over me, and now you want to play the mother card?”
“I was wrong,” she said, her voice steady, but with an underlying tremor. “I know that now. I can’t fix what I broke, but I can show you that I care.”
I wanted to scream at her that it was too little, too late, but somewhere deep inside, I felt a flicker of something I hadn’t felt in years—hope. It scared me.
“I don’t even know who you are,” I whispered, breaking eye contact again. “You’re just a stranger to me.”
“That’s true, but I want to change that. I want to get to know who you are now, what you love, what you hate. I want to learn about your life, the things that make you happy, and the things that hurt you. You don’t have to forgive me right away, but I want to earn your trust.”
I looked up then, meeting her gaze with a mix of skepticism and a hint of curiosity. “You think it’ll work? Trusting you?”
“I hope so,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “But it won’t happen overnight. Trust is built, and I’m willing to put in the time. Just give me a chance.”
I wanted to scream, to push her away, but I also yearned for a mother who would fight for me.
“Fine,” I finally said, “but this is not going to be easy for either of us. I’m still angry, I still have a lot of baggage, and I can’t promise that I’ll trust you.”
“Then let’s take it one day at a time,” she replied, her eyes shining with sincerity. “I’ll be patient. I won’t force you to do anything you’re not ready for.”
“Just don’t expect me to play happy family,” I warned, my heart racing with the vulnerability I had just exposed.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” she said, a soft smile breaking through her tears.
As the tension in the air shifted slightly, I felt a strange sense of relief wash over me.
The café bustled around us. I glanced out the window again, my mind wandering back to Amelia. I felt an urgency to reach out to her, to let her know I was still in her corner. I couldn’t allow my past to dictate my future with her.
“Listen, I need to go,” I said abruptly, standing up. “I have to talk to Amelia. She’s going through a lot, and I want to be there for her.”
Helen looked up at me, surprise coloring her features. “Of course, I understand. But can we meet again? I want to continue talking.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I replied, my mind already racing with thoughts of Amelia. I didn’t want to think about our conversation any longer. I had to get out of here, back to Amelia, and let her know I’m all in with going back home.
As I stepped out of the café, the cool air hit me like a splash of cold water.
I made my way back to my car, thoughts churning in my mind. The road back to my hometown felt like a reckoning. I couldn’t avoid my past any longer.