11. Cade
Love You For A Long Time - Maggie Rogers
I woke up with a hangover from hell when my cell phone started ringing from somewhere in the room. I tumbled out of bed, tangled up in the sheets, and followed the sound coming from my jeans haphazardly strewn across the bedroom floor after a long night of celebrating.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Mags. I stole your number off of Paige’s phone while she was asleep. I really needed to get a hold of you and I couldn’t think of any other way to get in touch. I hope it’s okay.”
“Yeah, it’s no problem. What’s going on? Is she okay?”
“I don't know what happened last Saturday, but Paige hasn’t been herself all week. She won’t talk to me about it. She’s skipping classes, and I don't think she’s eating. I was hoping you would know something I don’t.”
I hear shuffling at the other end of the line and a door quietly snicks closed. “I don’t know how much Paige has told you about her past, but this i sn’t the first time she’s hidden herself away. Paige really struggles with her mental health, but I’ve never seen it quite like this.”
“Did she tell you about her date last week?” I don’t know how much Mags knows about last Saturday, but I relay the story anyway, hoping it might explain why Paige shutting the world out. Mags doesn’t say much, but I hear a quiet inhale of breath when I tell her what I told Paige when she asked me what would have happened if she had been from Tennessee.
Happily ever after, obviously.
“You really care about her, don’t you?” She asks me. I could lie and make this easier for all of us, but then I would also have to lie to myself and what good would that do? After my conversation with Liam last night, I was done denying it. I’m already halfway in love with her.
“Yeah, I really do,” I confess. “Is there any way you can put Paige on the phone?”
“I can try.” I hear another door squeaking open at the other end of the line, followed by quiet, muffled voices. Mags comes back on the phone briefly to let me know Paige would text me later. I wanted to be upset about it, but I couldn’t. All I felt was a deep sense of sadness because Paige was clearly hurting and she wasn’t ready to let me in. For my sanity, I have to trust that Mags has her best interest at heart and wait to hear from my girl when she’s ready. Because that’s what she is — my girl . She just doesn’t know it yet. I don’t know how we’re going to make this work, but damn if I’m not willing to give it a shot.
An hour or so goes by when my phone vibrates in my pocket.
Paige: Hey Cowboy, I miss you too.
Fucking finally. I hear the audible whoosh of air as I release all the pent up tension of the last 7 days. I’ve never been more excited about 6 words in my life.
Cade: Sunshine. How are you?
Paige: That depends. How much time do you have?
Cade: For you? All the time in the world.
I don’t think she realizes how much she means to me already. I don’t pretend to know everything she’s been through. I know she didn’t have the best childhood and her relationship with her parents has been strained since their divorce. We’ve tried to keep most of our conversations surface level, but when she lets me in, it touches a part of me I didn’t know existed.
Being the only son with older sisters and a large age gap, my upbringing was basically like being an only child. I had my own issues with my dad’s absence after the divorce, but I never wanted for much, and certainly not love or affection.
Paige’s story is vastly different.
Incoming call from Paige
“Hello.”
“Cade.”
Fuck, it’s good to hear her voice.
She pauses for a breath then continues — her voice is solemn, “There’s a lot I have to say but first, I’m really sorry for pulling away from you this week. I come with a lot of baggage, Cade, and honestly… I was scared. ”
“Scared of what, baby?” Baby — the endearment just slipped out, but it didn’t feel wrong. It felt like a puzzle piece locking into place.
“I don’t let many people into my life. I’ve been burned in the past and I have a lot of insecurities to unpack. I… I feel like if I finally let people truly know me and let my guard down, they’ll just… leave.” I hear her choke on the last word and I want to reach through the phone and wrap her in my arms. I want to ruin every person who has ever hurt this girl. “Sometimes I think it’s easier if I jump ship first.”
“You leave first before they can leave you.”
“Yeah,” she says, inhaling a shaky breath. “I worry I’ll disappoint people, or fail to live up to their arbitrary expectations.”
“Paige. Where you’re concerned, I have no expectations. I want you in my life, in any way that I can have you.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m afraid I’ve already given you too many pieces of me. It won’t be long before you own me completely.”
I’m stunned speechless. I want her to be mine, but I don’t want her to fear it. Before I can respond, she continues to speak, filling the silence for me.
“There’s a darkness inside me, and some days it’s impossible to overcome. Simple tasks seem insurmountable, basic human interaction is overwhelming, and every single instinct compels me to close myself off — to shut out the world and find comfort in the quiet. I won’t drag you down with me, Cade.”
God, this girl. She has no idea what a light she is for other people — so much so that she doesn’t have any of it left for herself.
“Don’t do that, Paige. Don’t decide for me.”
“You deserve someone who isn’t… broken. ”
“Paige, baby…” I whisper, my voice filled with tenderness — I want her to really hear me. “I want all of your broken pieces. Whatever demons are haunting you, I want to help chase them all away. I don’t know what a future would look like for us, but you’ve had a piece of my heart from the moment I saw you. In another life, one where you weren’t a world away, you’d already be mine.”
A heavy silence falls between us, my words hanging over us like a prayer.
“Marry me, Cade.”
Paige
Earth to Paige! What the hell did you just say?
I think I’ve stunned myself into silence this time. It’s been about 30 seconds since I proposed and we’ve both just been listening to each other breathe. I’m terrified that I’ve fucked everything up. He has every right to hang up on me — I wouldn't blame him, so I’m just sitting here in limbo waiting to hear the telltale sound of the line going dead. What kind of crazy person proposes to a guy she’s known for all of 8 weeks and never actually met in person? I guess it just seemed like the logical solution to the proximity problem.
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry, what?” I couldn’t possibly have heard him correctly.
Did he just agree to marry me?
“Yes, Sunshine.”
“Cade, I —”
“Baby…” There’s that word again. Baby. He’s used it twice since the call connected and it’s making butterflies dance in my chest. Something about it feels so fundamentally right.
“ I know this is completely insane, but if getting married would bridge the distance betw een us, I think we owe it to ourselves to see where this goes.”
“What will we tell everyone? Cade, you’re supposed to be the voice of reason. You’re supposed to tell me I’m crazy and hang up on me.”
Cade
“I’m finding I don’t much want to do that,” I tell her honestly. “I kind of like the idea of my ring on your finger.”
There’s a weird sound on the line, then my phone beeps with a video request. I quickly tap accept, and the sight before me has me furrowing my brow. She’s either sobbing into her hands or laughing hysterically. I don't know which option is worse. When she looks up briefly, I can see that it’s the latter.
“You ok there, Sunshine?” I ask with an edge of incredulity.
“Yeah, I’m… processing. This is a lot to take in.”
“This was your idea!” I shout, without a trace of anger in my voice. I take a deep breath, steadying myself. “Paige, do you want to be with me?”
She sighs and I’m not sure if I want to hear what comes next. It’s like we’re standing at the edge of a cliff, and the next word can either pull us back towards solid ground or push us over the edge. She stays silent for what feels like years, but is probably only a few seconds.
“Yes.”
She fucking said yes! She continues, “ Ok. So we get engaged and then we… date?”
I chuckle. This is so backwards.
“I guess? I can’t ignore this thing between us anymore. I don’t want to.”
“I don’t want to ignore it either, but... ”
“So let’s get married then,” I say with a sense of determination behind my words.
“Ok, listen, I think we both need to take a step back. You go talk to Dean, I’ll go talk to Mags. Maybe they can be the voice of reason, or at the very least, give us a different perspective.”
The suggestion has some merit, but I’m not sure I would consider Dean the “voice of reason” in any scenario. And from what I know of Mags, she’s a bit of a free spirit. Paige might think she’ll talk her off a ledge but I have a sneaking suspicion she just might give her a shove.
Paige
“Am I completely insane, Mags?”
“Well…”
“Oh god, I really have lost my mind.”
“Ok, listen. I don’t think it’s that simple.”
“I’m listening…”
“Are you happy here? In Toronto I mean.” The question catches me off-guard. It’s not at all what I expected her to ask. “And don’t fucking lie to me. I’m your best friend and I’ll know if you’re lying.”
“Yes.” As soon as the word comes out, Mags gives me an irritated look. “Ok, fine.. No.”
“Doesn’t it feel good to admit it?”
“Yeah, kind of… I guess.”
“Ok, let’s play a game. I’m going to rapid fire questions and you’re going to answer without thinking. Go with your gut.”
“This is so stupid.”
“Do it for me,” she says, giving me the signature Maggie Watson puppy dog eyes.
“Ugh. Fine. You’re the worst friend. ”
“Love you, too, babe. Ok, ready?”
I exhale a resigned sigh. There’s no talking Mags down once she has her mind set on something. I have no idea what’s coming next, but I’m definitely not going to like it. Unfortunately, she was the one who got me to join the app in the first place, and she’s been gloating about it for weeks. I can give her this win.
“As I’ll ever be.”
“Red or blue?”
“Blue.”
“Long hair or short?”
“On me or someone else?”
“No follow up questions.”
“Fine. long.”
“Coffee or tea?”
“Ummm. Fuck. Tea I guess.”
That one surprised me, but I guess it makes sense that I would instinctively choose the one I use for comfort. Hmm. Mags might be onto something here.
“Cats or dogs.”
“Cats… this is like torture, Mags. Wtf.”
“Shower in the morning or at night?”
“At night.”
“Stay in college or pursue photography?”
“Photography.” Holy shit . Mags gives me a knowing smile.
“Missionary or Doggie?”
“Doggie.”
Maggie’s face is smug as she continues grilling me. She really should apply to work for the CIA. They couldn’t have waterboarded that answer out of me.
“Digital or film?”
“Both”
“Chocolate or Vanilla? ”
“Chocolate. Duh.”
“Wine or beer?”
“Wine.”
“Toronto or Kentucky?”
“Kentucky”
Oh. So there’s that I guess.
“Cade or Cats?”
“Wait what? What does one have to do with the other?”
“Girl, if you don’t marry this man, you’re going to regret it and then you’re going to buy a small little gingerbread looking cottage and live to be an old hag with 80 cats who are going to consume your corpse after you die.”
“That was morbid as fuck, Maggie.”
“Paige, if you never take another piece of advice from me ever again, make it this one. Follow your heart and do this one fucking thing for yourself. You are constantly doing everything to make sure everyone else around you is happy, regardless of how it makes you feel. It’s your turn. Let everyone else be uncomfortable. Burn your entire world down and take what you want from it, babe. Build it back up brick by fucking brick. Preferably in Kentucky. With the not-a-Cowboy.”
“Hey Mags?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
Cade
“Ok, what I’m about to tell you needs to stay between us. Got it?”
After my whirlwind conversation with Paige, I invited Dean out to the cabin to get his perspective on things.
“Sure.”
“Good. Paige proposed.”
“Woah woah woah. Back up. Proposed? When did you guys start dating? ”
“We didn’t.”
“I’m confused.”
“Yeah, me too. That’s why you’re here.”
“So she proposed out of the blue and you said….?”
“I said yes. She said I was insane. Then we agreed to run it past our best friends, so here you are.”
“Dude, I love you like a brother, but you’re not making any sense right now.”
Ok, I can admit I might fumbling the ball right now, but I’m still in shock. I have no idea how to explain it in a way that makes sense. It all happened so fast and I reacted on instinct, but it didn’t exactly feel wrong.
“Ok. So just to clarify. The not-girlfriend you’ve been pining after for months, texting when you think nobody is noticing, and saving her photos to a secret album on your phone — yeah, dude, I know about that too — asked you to marry her?”
“That about sums it up.”
“And you said yes?”
“Yep.”
“So, what’s the problem?”
“I… guess there isn’t one.”
“Cool, so it seems like you have your answer, then. When’s the wedding? What’s the vibe? Do I need a tux as best man, or can we do a more casual button down and suspenders vibe?”