34. Paige
You’re Gonna Go Far - Noah Kahan (with Brandi Carlile)
S ince the moment I walked into the terminal, Cade’s final words at the airport have been echoing on a loop, making this past week feel like the longest of my life.
“Take care of everything and come back to me.”
I spent a few days in Toronto packing the last remnants of my stuff there. Mags has a new roommate moving in next month, though she’s less than thrilled about my abandonment. Now I’m back in my hometown for the first time since New Year’s Day, sorting through fragments of the past that shaped me, and in many ways broke me.
When I’m not drowning in boxes and surrounded by my scattered belongings, I’m trying not to dissolve into tears. I’ve been desperately trying to find closure with my parents, but I’m not sure if they’re ready to make amends yet. They were hurt that I got married without them. I can’t really blame them, but they weren’t exactly supportive of the engagement in the first place and things have been difficult for a very long time.
I love my parents, and in some ways I do wish they had been there if only to witness the love that we share, but I don't think they were ready for me to take that step and ultimately it would’ve cast a dark cloud over our day.
“Hey honey.” Mom walks into the room holding what looks like one of our family photo albums. She sits down on the couch behind me and hands me the book in her hands.
“I thought you might want this. I know we haven’t always gotten along. Things have been strained for a number of years, but I hope you know I love you.”
With trembling hands, I open the book and flip to the first page. Tears well in my eyes as I take in the photograph of the three of us on the day I was born. I can feel the overwhelming love in my parents’ gaze as they both look down at the little bundle swaddled in a blanket.
The next page is more of the same, baby pictures of me and my brother, the 1st day of kindergarten, high school graduation — every major milestone is here. When I turn to the last page, a gasp escapes my lips, my eyes widening in disbelief. There’s a photo of me and Cade from our wedding, standing at the end of the dock, looking at each other like we’re the only two people in the world.
“Where did you get this?” I ask softly, the words barely making it out of my mouth as a silent tear tracks down my cheek.
“Mags sent it to me alone with a few not so subtle choice words. I’m so sorry we didn’t support you. You’ve always been one to follow your own path, and while I believed I was doing the right thing, I see now that we may have been placing obstacles in your way instead of helping you along. I have many regrets in this life, and all I can offer now is the promise that I’ll try to do better.” She pauses for a moment, gathering her thoughts. “I’d like to meet your husband someday,” she whisp ers.
I stand from my position on the floor and turn to wrap my arms around my mother. It’s true, we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but I don’t doubt that she thought she was doing the right thing. It’s going to take a lot more than a scrapbook of memories to erase the years of hurtful words and judgment, but it’s an olive branch and I intend to take it.
“I think you should talk to your dad. He has some apologies to make, too.”
“I will, Mom. Thank you.”
“Luca said that he would drive the truck to Oak Ridge for you when you’re ready for the rest of your things. You can leave anything you want to keep here at the house and we’ll get it loaded for you when you have an official moving date.”
“Sounds good. I’ll let y’all know when the paperwork is approved and we can figure out the details.”
“Y’all? You really are a Kentucky girl now.” Her hazel eyes shine with amusement; the crow’s feet around them have deepened with age. She’s always had kind eyes. I got my mom’s short stature and her figure, along with the Fanelli jawline, but my eyes are all Roberts from my dad’s side.
I really do love Oak Ridge — it feels more like home than anywhere else in the world. But I don’t tell her that. I’m maxed out on emotional confrontations with my mom.
I’m labeling a box of romance novels for the keep pile, when my phone chimes with a notification — I already know who it is. A smile lights up my face, the first genuine one since I arrived back in town.
Cade: Tell me you’re coming home soon.
Paige: I’m coming home soon.
Cade: WHEN?!?!?!?!?!
Paige: I’m finishing up in Northbrook today.
Paige: Luca’s driving me to dad’s for a couple of days.
Paige: If I can get a flight from there, I could be home by Friday.
Cade: I can’t fucking wait to see you, Sunshine.
Cade
My wife is coming home.
Oh fuck. My wife is coming home.
It suddenly sinks in that we’re not finished with the library yet and we have exactly 3 days to get it done. We’ll need to cram 4 days of work into 3. That’s doable, right? I shoot off a quick text to Miles to let him know about the recent developments before I grab my coat off the hook and storm out to my truck, determination thumping in my veins with every step.
I put my truck in park outside of a home decor store. Cara texted that she’s on her way over to the cabin with Ivy so they can get a jump on painting the bookshelves. Dean and Miles are hanging trim, and I have to pick out some decor to fill in empty spaces on the shelves. I find a perfect ornate gold frame, along with a few smaller ones to scatter around the room, some new plants, and a few other knickknacks to place along the shelves.
In my quest to discover some of Paige’s favorite books, I may have resorted to logging into her Kindle account. Along with several other paperbacks and hardcovers, I handpicked several special edition books from her wishlist, eager to surprise her with a collection of literary treasures. I know she’ll be coming with a whole truck load of books once the paperwork is approved, but for now I wanted to have a few things on the shelves when we do the grand reveal.
Paige
We arrive at dad’s house no worse for the wear, no thanks to Luca who still drives like a maniac.
“Are you sticking around long?” I ask Luca as we step out of the truck.
“No, I told dad I’d hang around for dinner but you know how Sue and I are around each other. It’s best if I head out after we eat.” I give my brother a knowing look. We both have a complicated history with my dad and his girlfriend. Although they've been together for years now, she could never stand sharing his affection with his kids.
“Listen, Paige. I know we have some shit to work out, but I want you to know that I’m proud of you for following your own path. Our parents aren’t easy people, you know, even though they mean well. And hey, if you have a guest room I’d love to come check out Kentucky sometime. Maybe meet your new husband so I can give him the ‘Don’t fuck with my sister’ speech.”
“A bit late for that, I’m afraid. But I appreciate it, Luca. You’re welcome to come visit anytime, and mom already told me you’d drive the U-Haul when the time comes so there’s no backing out of that, either.”
He chuckles then passes me the duffel bag from the backseat, and we head into the house. Here goes nothing.
“Hey dad, we’re here.” I set my overnight bag on the couch as a rambunctious medium sized spaniel mix comes running into the room, sliding across the hardwood, nearly slammin g into the wall.
“Hey Pip. Good to see you.” Dad pulls me in for an awkward hug, nodding towards Luca, who saunters through the door a moment later. “Good to see you both. How was the drive?”
“Not bad. What’s that smell?” I ask, although I’m pretty sure I know the answer.
“Me and Sue are out on the deck grilling. You hungry?”
“Starving,” Luca replies.
“Perfect, we’ve got steaks, medium rare, grilled chicken, and a few hot dogs for Bella over here, but you’re welcome to share,” he says, pointing to the dog. Dad has always used humor in awkward situations.
“Hey kiddo, can we talk for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure dad.”
“I’ll be in the kitchen grabbing a beer,” Luca says, giving me a ‘holler if you need me to save you’ look then walks into the kitchen.
“Look, I know your mom and I have been kind of hard on you the last few weeks. We want what's best for you. If this Cade guy makes you happy, then I’m happy for you.”
“Dad, it hasn’t just been the last few weeks. You guys have been on my ass since I was a kid. Always putting these impossible expectations on me, not taking into consideration what I wanted — not even bothering to ask. The only thing I ever did for me was choose Cade, and you both shit on that decision, too.”
Dad stares at me incredulously. I’ve never raised my voice at him, and I certainly never outwardly criticized how he raised me. This confrontation was a long time coming.
His face relaxes into a remorseful expression. “I’m sorry, Pip. Truly. If I ever made you feel like you weren’t good enough, or you couldn’t make your own choices. That wasn’t my intention. I know your mom was particularly hard on you — her harshness was one of the reasons we didn’t work. I wish I had done more to protect you from it.”
“Thank you, Dad. I get it, but whatever is broken between us isn’t going to be fixed overnight. You have to let me grow up, make my own choices, and my own mistakes. For the first time in my life I’m really fucking happy.”
“I’m glad. I’d like to meet the man who makes my daughter smile.”
“You will, dad. He’d like to meet you, too.”
The conversation fizzles, and we join Luca and Sue outside on the back porch for dinner. The evening light fades, sending my thoughts swirling back to Oak Ridge. This trip has been heavy and emotional, but I’m grateful to have at least spoken my piece. Maybe I was wrong to doubt that my parents could ever give me the closure I so desperately wanted. Only time will tell. Right now, I’m ready to get back to the place and the people who really hold my heart.