Chapter 20
Studmuffin: I miss you.
Istare at the text Connor sent this morning like if I look at it long enough, I’ll miraculously know what to do.
I’ve been staying at Lucky Spurs Ranch for the past five days. After the barn party, I cried myself to sleep in Izzy’s bed, and Reid was kind enough to sleep on the couch.
I was mortified inconveniencing Reid in his own home, so Izzy arranged a room for me at the main house.
Always gracious hosts, food is abundant. Eating to not offend the Andersens and ignoring the feelings I refuse to face has had an unexpected side effect.
I’ve gained weight. Typically, when I’m stressed, I control my intake even stricter. But there’s something healing being at the ranch, spending my days in the sun with my sister, having no contact with my mom, and hiding from my problems.
It’s been nice pretending to be a normal, well-adjusted human being. At least during the daytime. Nights are when my mask falls. Nights spent in a bed without Connor. Nights without the pillow talk I’ve greedily cherished.
I miss him so much it hurts. I felt his heart breaking when I told him I needed time apart. It broke me to say it, but it was true. It isn’t his fault I want more, but I can’t keep pretending what we have is enough for me.
He goes to the ends of the earth to care for me, provide for me, and protect me. He even brought Reid a bag full of my necessities while I stay at the ranch.
He finds ways to keep me away from other men but dates other women and lets them touch him. The mixed signals have knotted me up for years, and my rope frayed so far I cut loose to save myself from drowning.
Connor texted me steadily our first night apart. The next couple of days were filled with missed calls and texts I didn’t respond to. Now, I get one or two texts a day like the one I’m staring at.
I miss you too…but it doesn’t change anything.
“Twinie?” Isabelle’s sweet voice floats into my temporary bedroom. “I brought you coffee.”
“Thanks, sissy.” We sit side by side on the bed and sip our morning caffeine. She’s been uncharacteristically quiet during my stay here. I feared she’d be in my business, but she’s given me as much space as I ask for but welcomes me when I’m ready for company.
“Want to come down to the stables this morning?” she asks.
We’ve spent time with Reid every day familiarizing ourselves with the horses and it’s incredibly soothing. These few days have reaffirmed my desire to work in equine therapy.
“I’d love to. But it’s time to face the music. I need to go home and talk to Connor. We can’t stay in limbo forever. We’ve been friends for too long to let a wound like this fester.”
Izzy narrows her icy blue eyes, searching for answers I don’t have.
“Okay, I’ll drive you.”
I stand outside our front door, unable to enter the apartment. Connor’s truck was in the parking lot, so I know he’s home.
Whatever happens next will irreversibly change the course of our relationship.
The decision is made for me when Connor opens the door and nearly bowls me over.
“Shit, Delilah, are you okay? I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you.” His hands hover awkwardly, careful not to touch me.
Purple and blue color the bags under his hollow eyes. His hair is a mess, and he must’ve slept in the clothes he’s wearing. He looks as bad as I feel.
He clocks the bag at my feet and his sorrow-filled eyes meet mine for an explanation.
“We need to talk.” The dreaded four words that leave my lips taste like poison.
Connor’s face breaks further, but he takes my bag and follows me into the apartment. It looks exactly like I left it. Either he’s kept it meticulously clean, or he hasn’t moved a thing in my time away. Both options plague me with guilt for leaving him.
He sits on the edge of the couch, elbows on his knees, hands clasped, and head dropped between his shoulders. I’d normally sit beside him so close our thighs would touch. But it feels wrong today, so I sit with a cushion between us—which also feels wrong.
I’m not meant to be away from Connor.
His back tightens, hating the cavern of space separating us as much as I do. I’m the one who came home unannounced and declared we need to talk—but I have no words.
“Are you okay?” Connor asks. My sweet man. His first concern is always me.
“I’m not sure.”
“What can I do to fix this? I’ll do anything,” he pleads, head still hanging low, jaw clenching rhythmically.
Not anything.
The only fix for this is if he wants me like I want him—and he doesn’t.
“Can you at least tell me what happened at the party that upset you? I couldn’t stop that prick from spiking your drink, but I stopped you from drinking it.
I swear to god, I was already on his heels to confront him.
I lost it, Del. I didn’t mean to scare you.
” His head lifts enough to see me through his mop of hair.
“You didn’t scare me, Connor. You saved me. That isn’t why I left,” I explain.
“Why did you leave?” he rasps.
“Where were you when Jason spiked my drink?”
Connor blinks rapidly, caught off guard by my question.
“I was at the bar.”
“Why were you still at the bar? You went to refill our drinks, and you didn’t come back. If you’d come right back, Jason wouldn’t have ever approached me.”
“I went to get us new drinks and I got caught up chatting.”
I smile placidly at him. “I know. I saw.”
“What do you think you saw?” Connor asks dumbly, but with a hint of irritation.
“I saw a gorgeous woman with her tits in your face, fingering your hair.”
“Shit. Del. That was Carolyn. She works at the liquor store. I’m not involved with her. Hell, I don’t even like her. I told her to get her hands off me.”
“That’s not what it looked like to me.”
“Doll, it meant nothing. Why are you pissed at me about Carolyn when you let Jason get you a drink?” Connor snaps.
How. Dare. He?
“Oh, I don’t know Connor. Maybe because it felt nice to have a man show interest in me. Maybe because I haven’t been on a date in years. Maybe because I’m so tired of waiting.”
Connor’s shock is palpable. “Waiting for what?”
I can’t tell him the truth. He doesn’t want me. He’s never wanted me like that.
My voice is barely audible. “Please don’t make me say it.”
Somehow Connor’s crept closer and is right beside me. His clammy hands frame my face, forcing me to look at him.
“Don’t make you say what?”
“Connor…please.” It comes out as a pained whisper.
“Delilah…I—”
My phone rings cutting the tension. I scramble to answer it, desperate to wake up from my worst nightmare.
“Hello?” I answer too chipper.
“Hello, is this Miss Tate?”
“Yes, this is she.” I stand from the couch and pace the living room.
“This is Angela from Blue Mountain Rescue and Rehabilitation, is now a good time to talk?”
My eyes bug out of my head, and despite the awkward state of our relationship, I turn to Connor to ground me. He’s watching my every move.
“Yes. Now’s a great time to talk.”
“Congratulations on earning top of your class this semester. Your advisor tells us you are a shining star in the psychology program.”
I blush at the compliment. “Thank you so much…”
“As I’m sure you know, you were awarded the top internship selection among your classmates, and based on the interest form you submitted, we’d like to offer you a fall internship shadowing our licensed clinical therapists and equine specialists.”
Tears spring from my eyes and the biggest smile overtakes my face.
“Yes! Oh my goodness! I mean, yes, I accept, I’d be honored!” Connor stands before me, rubbing his rough hands up and down my arms. His touch immediately soothes me.
“Wonderful, just what we like to hear. I’ll iron out the details with your advisor and either she or I will reach out closer to September. It was a pleasure speaking with you and we’re looking forward to having you at Blue Mountain Rescue and Rehabillitation! Bye now.”
The call disconnects and I stand dumbstruck.
“I…I got the internship. I GOT THE INTERNSHIP! OH MY GOD, CONNOR!”
I leap into his arms, wrapping my legs around him like a baby koala. He holds me tight and spins us in circles in the middle of our living room.
Connor’s voice is muffled, his breath hot against my neck. “I knew you could do it. I’m so fucking proud of you.”
We stay locked in our embrace for longer than appropriate for our precarious relationship. I shimmy to get down and he lets me drop gently to my feet. The weight of what we’ve left unsaid hangs heavily between us. But neither of us are brave enough to tell the truth.
“I’d better go unpack…” I hedge.
“Yea. Of course. I was heading out when you got home, so, I’ll see you later?” he asks.
I’m unreasonably wounded he’s leaving already, but it’s for the best we ease back into living together.
“Bye, doll.” He waits for my customary response but leaves when I say nothing.
The door snicks shut, and my lungs allow me to whisper, “Miss you already.”