Chapter 18
SYDNEY
“Ihate it here.” I flop onto the queen-size bed at the ski lodge in Big Bear. Production rented out the entire place.
I can’t imagine that was difficult, since it’s the wrong season for skiing.
After the last compass ceremony, after Cassidy left the mansion, the rest of us did too.
The lodge is gorgeous. We’re probably supposed to enjoy our time here. But Big Bear isn’t home.
“What’s to hate? I’m sure it’s beautiful.” Jessie’s response echoes through the phone.
She’s perfectly calm.
And rational.
Bitch.
I lift my head and study the idyllic mountain landscape outside the window.
“That’s not the problem.” I groan, flopping back against the pillow.
“Go for a hike,” she suggests.
I snort a laugh. “Have you met me?”
Jessie laughs. “My friend who swears she gets vitamin D from the light of her computer monitors?”
“Exactly.”
And after two weeks without my setup, I’m going through withdrawals. No amount of time on the iPad or my phone could satiate my cravings.
“Have you done anything fun yet?”
“No. I’ve been in my room looking at files since we got here.” Makes it easier to avoid the other women.
My relationship with them has not improved with the change of scenery.
And the walls are starting to close in around me.
“The show hasn’t arranged for you to go out with Cy?” Jessie asks.
“Oh, he’s been out,” I grumble.
I’m not jealous.
Not really.
Lying to yourself again?
No. I’m irritated about who he went out with.
At least in Kendall’s case. Her comments the other night were a slap in the face.
She did it to get a reaction out of me. I get that.
But Cy still kissed her. Maybe more. That hurts.
So when Kendall came back from her last date gloating, I retreated to my room.
Otherwise I’d go all raging NFL linebacker and tackle her.
Logical?
Not at all.
Enjoyable?
It surely would have been.
Cy’s other date wasn’t a one-on-one. He went out with Josie, Jade, and Brielle, and after, I didn’t even get the urge to punch any of them. Even if jealousy pricked at me like a thousand needles.
There is no logical reason for the jealousy.
Cy isn’t my boyfriend.
He isn’t even my friend.
I don’t even like the man. Nothing he’s done over the last two weeks surprises me. He is who he always has been.
Is he? Nothing he’s done has surprised you?
Without my permission, images of him at the shelter flit through my mind. A memory of the steady cadence of his heartbeat against my ear when he held me in the car while I cried. A soundtrack I have no interest in hearing again.
I need to get out of here.
But I’m stuck. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. When I get home, the first thing I’m going to do is tell Sawyer I deserve a fucking raise.
“Are you avoiding Cy by hiding in your room?” Jessie asks, hitting a little too close to home.
“N—”
A knock at the door interrupts my denial.
“I gotta go. Someone’s at the door,” I whisper. Once I’ve disconnected the call, I jump up and stash the phone under my mattress.
Another knock, this one with a little more force. A little less patience.
“Yes?” I call as I yank the door open.
On the other side, Brielle’s eyes go wide with surprise, but she recovers quickly. “Mara sent me to get you. There’s a date card.”
Irritation floods my veins. The producers insist that we are all present when a date card is opened. The rule is stupid.
And it’s cruel.
The thought annoys me. Dammit. That’s the jealousy talking.
“Oh.”
“I thought you’d be excited. You’re the only one who hasn’t gone on a date this week. I’ll bet it’s you.”
My stomach flip-flops. Do I want to go out with Cy?
Not really.
Do I want to remain in my room to avoid an assault charge for beating the shit out of Kendall?
Also no.
“Don’t be so sure.” Jade steps out of her room and follows us downstairs. “The searcher doesn’t always go out with all the women between compass ceremonies.”
It’s true. Leigh has told me that more than once. So why don’t I feel relieved?
The other women are already in the lobby of the lodge when we arrive, as are the ever-present camera crew and Roman. Cy is the only one missing. He isn’t required to be here when the date card opening is filmed.
“Finally. Can we open the card already?” Kendall leans back into an overstuffed armchair, rolling her eyes.
Do not punch Kendall. Do not punch Kendall. That will definitely get you kicked off the show.
After Jade, Brielle, and I have been equipped with microphones, the director adjusts the seating arrangement and assigns the opening of the card to Josie. The fire is stoked and several candles burn bright on the mantel, making the scene look cozy.
The crew scatters to the outer edges of the room behind them, and the director yells, “Action.”
Josie holds up the date card.
“It’s the last date card before the compass ceremony,” she says, reading the envelope.
Maybe he’ll finally send me home then.
Is that what you want?
I’ve been battling myself over the topic constantly. I don’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to be here at all.
But I have a mission to complete. One that will ensure I get the funding I need.
Is that the only reason you don’t want to leave?
My damn conscience. Teeth gritted, I ignore the question and focus on Josie.
“Let’s leave the world behind and see where our connection takes us. Love, Cy.” She flips the card over and reads the name on the back. “Sydney.”
My body flushes hot, warmth flooding my cheeks as I accept the date card from Josie. “Thanks.”
For once in my life I’m not sure what to say.
“Are you excited about the date, Sydney?” Alicia asks from behind a camera man who hovers in the archway.
“Yes.” And it’s the truth. I am excited about the date.
Why, I couldn’t explain. I met this man when I was sixteen and saw his true colors pretty damn quickly. He’s a manwhore of epic proportions.
Is that really what you still think of him?
Yes. And I can’t tell him any of that. If I did, I’d fail my mission. For Katie.
I’m here to do a job. Nothing else. Yet my body isn’t on the same page. Not with the way my heart rate is elevated. Not when anticipation twirls through my stomach like butterflies. Despite my better judgment, despite my logical mind, I want to spend more time with Cy.
Alicia circles a hand in the air, motioning for me to say something else.
Dammit. What would a normal woman say in this situation?
“I am really excited since this is my first one-on-one with Cy,” blurt. “I’d love to continue to build on our connection and get to know him better.”
Alicia beams and gives me a thumbs-up.
“You’ll want to go get ready now. You leave in thirty minutes,” Mara says from behind her ever-present iPad.
“What are we doing?” I ask.
She surveys me quickly, then focuses on her iPad again. “It’s a surprise.”
Fucking great. How am I supposed to know what to wear for this surprise activity on a date with a man I shouldn’t want to go out with?
“What should I wear?” I grit out, trying again.
Give me a clue here, someone.
“Jeans would be okay,” Alicia says from the other side of the room. “Hiking boots too.”
I snort a laugh.
I didn’t bring a pair of hiking boots. I don’t even own a pair. Boy, did they pick the wrong girl for this date.
Maybe they did it deliberately. Is this the lead-up to my exit from the show?
I don’t have time to consider that right now. So I stand from the couch and rush up to my room. The producers probably wouldn’t approve if I showed up in yoga pants and an oversized hoodie. But a forest green cashmere sweater will work. And jeans, like Alicia suggested.
“What the hell am I going to do about shoes?” I mutter, scanning my options in the bottom of my closet.
My sneakers won’t work. My bootcut jeans are a little long, and I’d rather the denim not drag on the ground.
While I don’t have a pair of hiking boots, Leigh did talk me into buying a pair of brown leather boots. Those will have to do.
The leather is soft and supple, but I don’t realize how dangerous the heel is until I take the stairs down to the first floor and nearly bite it. If not for the railing and my quick reflexes, I would have thoroughly embarrassed myself.
Good lord.
The things I do for this show.
No, not the show.
For my dream. For Katie.
Because every unsteady step I take in these death trap boots is another step closer to having what I want.
That’s what I tell myself, at least, while butterflies flutter inside me, their movements becoming fiercer the closer I get to seeing the man who should be my mortal enemy.