CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
I almost choke on air. “What do you mean? Papa? Toro, what?”
“We… Uh… special,” he uses keywords to string a cohesive thought together. “So… baby?”
“Oh, my god.” He’s so adorable it hurts. “No, Toro, no. That’s not how that works at all.”
“Why?” He whines sadly, scooping me up out of the tub so we don’t have to sit in our mess. He starts drying me off without me even asking. “I thought… I want…”
“I’m not a woman, Toro. I don’t care what any nice old lady at the park says.” I tease, taking his hand for a second. With a comforting squeeze I smile at him. “I can’t get pregnant… Plus we didn’t even do it like that. You’d have to put it inside—”
“Okay,” he nods like I was suggesting that. He retracts his hand, languidly wrapping his arms around me to kiss at the back of my head. “Let’s do it?”
Despite the weak laughter I let out, my heart is melting. It’s nothing new at this point. He’s just like this, always being the sweetest man I’ve ever met. Sometimes I’d get worried in the past, thinking that maybe this wasn’t a good idea, maybe it was bad.
But every now and then I think about just how wrong I was.
Not when his nose is buried in my hair and he thinks he’s being sneaky taking huffs of the shampoo we both use like a weirdo.
I don’t even have to ask, because I already know he’d say something about how I smell nice or whatever. I love it—I love him.
Nobody was supposed to pick me. I thought I was destined to live vicariously through my friends and pretend that never being wanted was okay.
But Toro wants me. Wants me more than anything else, and I feel the same way.
Someone like Nadine could never understand, no matter how much I love—or loved—her.
“Nico?” A kiss on my cheek. “You… okay?”
“Just thinking,” I let my head fall against his. “What do you… want in the future? Do you actually want to be… a dad?”
His grip on me temporarily eases up, and the hyperfocused expression he wears tells me he’s thinking extra hard about my question. The bathroom feels smaller than it did a minute ago, the silence all too thick.
“Be with you,” Toro mumbles.
There’s something extra tender about the way he says it, wearing a new look that I’ve never seen before. Clumsy digits dig into my face, pulling me in for a kiss. It’s not hungry, but it’s charged with something.
Even after all this time my beloved boyfriend still absolutely sucks at kissing. It’s not his fault, though. He’s just a big overexcited puppy who wants to use as much tongue as possible.
“Want…” He huffs when we pull apart, cheeks flushed and hair still damp from the bath. “Want… be with you… Away.”
Did I hear that right? “Away? You mean…?”
“Away,” Toro affirms with another chaste kiss. He leads me back out to his room, grabbing one of his big red sweaters from the closet and throwing it over my head like he’s trying to kidnap me. “Just… want you… Want… happy…”
“I want happy, too.” Just saying it nearly kills me. How can such a big guy be so sweet? How can he just say things like that and not think twice about it? “Sit, Toro.”
He obediently goes and sits on the bed, swaying side to side while watching me rummage through his clothes. Nothing is organized and a lot of it is stained with blood. There’s always going to be reminders of the person he was. I know that.
I grab his favorite superhero t-shirt he said he got for Christmas and some underwear for the both of us. Once we’re both dressed Toro retreats to the floor, sitting on his knees while prying open the radio box.
There’s no need to say anything. He knows how to set it up, so I just sit back and watch as he happily fiddles with the stupid machine. He grabs his CD, placing it inside with so much care you’d think it was one of the baby calves.
The thing lets out a nasty screech before the music starts, one of Toro’s ridiculously sappy love ballads that I unfortunately know all the lyrics He rejoins me on the bed, grabbing me like a stuffed animal and bringing me to his chest.
“Thank you, Nico.” His voice is low, grip on me tight but not so tight I couldn’t leave if I really wanted to. But why would I? “Love… Love you. So much.”
“I love you too,” the words feel so natural on my tongue now. “I’m happy you’re happy.”
“Always happy… with you.”
“Even when I’m giving the calves more attention than you?”
“...Yeah.”
I giggle, eyes falling shut. We just cuddle.
No words, just music and soft touches. His chin sits on my head, grip secure but not overbearing.
He’s learned how to be delicate, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.
There’s so much that’s different now. With me, with him, with us.
When I look at him now I don’t see that big scary man from before. All I see is Toro, my beautiful boy.
“Maybe… Maybe we should leave, Tor.”
Toro goes completely still, and after a moment of pure silence I force myself to open my eyes and look up at him. He doesn’t look mad or anything, he just looks scared. Terrified at the thought of leaving the only place he’s ever known.
“Nuh…” His voice quivers, sounding so much more unsure than it has before. “C-Can’t… Pa, and… Can’t…”
My forehead finds its way to his chest, cuddling him. “It was just an idea. I won’t force you to do anything, Tor. I think you deserve to be happy, too. Really happy. Maybe it could happen here, but…”
“Want to be,” the words come out in a hushed whisper. “Want… Just… scared.”
The thought of getting away from this place is almost thrilling. So many bad memories lie here like a graveyard, a haunting reminder of what things were. If we got away, it’d be like a fresh start.
“I know. It’s… It’ll be scary, Tor. I don’t have a lot of money on my card. But… maybe we could find somewhere—somewhere just for us.”
There’s a faint smile that flickers on his face, like the idea is actually appealing to him somewhere inside that brain of his. “I… I have…” The sheets rustle when he sits up, hesitantly glancing over at the closet. “Stay.”
I watch as Toro hurries over to his closet, dropping down on his knees to dig in the bag. My brow furrows when he comes back with a backpack, some beat up old blue thing. When he sets it down on the bed I have no idea what’s coming next.
But then he unzips it, and I see what’s inside: wallets. Too many wallets. Each of them filled with pieces of ID and credit cards and… money. A lot of money. Enough money to start new.
Enough money to be happy?