EPILOGUE
ISANDRO
“Isandro! I told you to stop riling up the damn dogs!” Grandma Marín’s voice is loud for an old lady. She always shouts at me, but not like when pa did. She yells with a smile and happy feelings like that.
It’s not my fault the dogs are cute. She has two: Goldie the golden retriever and Beckett the chocolate labrador. I like both of them, and they like playing in the yard with me.
But okay, maybe they are loud.
“Sorry,” I say while setting the frisbee aside. Goldie is climbing up on me, pawing at my stomach and making me smile. She sticks her tongue out when I pet her, but I can’t stick around for long.
“It’s dinner.” Grandma grabs my wrist and pulls me inside. Her house is nice. It’s not like home. The floors are carpet, the walls are painted pretty colors like green and yellow, and her furniture is cozy and cute.
She is not big. She’s small. But she’s strong, pulling me across the house like I’m nothing. Her white hair is tied up in a bun, and the flower dress she has on suits her a lot.
Grandma always calls me handsome, and she means it. She gets that same look in her eye that Nico gets when he says it, so I know it’s true. Her and Nico are very alike. It makes so much sense now.
“Hi,” I say when I enter the dining room and see Nico setting the table. He’s different now. But in a good way. He let his hair grow out nice and long, and I like it because he lets me play with it and run my fingers through it.
But it’s not all good. He doesn’t wear my clothes that much anymore. He likes his clothes better, but I don’t think that’s fair. Sometimes when we go shopping I purposefully buy hoodies I know he’ll like, just so he steals them later.
“Hi.” He’s beautiful when he smiles at me, coming over to give me a quick kiss on the chin. It’s not enough. It’s never enough. “You’ve got dirt all over your shirt.”
“Dogs. I was playing with them.” The explanation doesn’t feel good, but it’s the truth. We’ve been working on my speaking and stuff. I’m not very good still, but I know how to read a lot more than I could before. I still make Nico read to me, though. That will never change.
He giggles, sitting me down on one of Grandma’s wooden chairs. “Yeah, you were.” When he kisses the back of my head I feel like I’m floating, and there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.
“It’s your favorite.” Grandma looks happy too, coming in with a big tray of meatloaf. She places it in the center of the table, before leaning over me to grab my cheeks and pinch them. She does that all the time and it makes them hurt after, but I don’t stop her.
I think I like it.
Grandma was scary when I first met her. She was always nice, but she didn’t trust me. She didn’t know if I was good for Nico. She didn’t know how much I loved him. How much I’d do for him. But she does now. She tells Nico how lucky he is every day, but I’m the lucky one.
We never told her about what happened on the farm.
The way I used to be. Nico says it’s better she doesn’t know.
He says people won’t understand, and I agree with him.
I wish I never did it. I wish I never hurt anyone.
If I could go back and change everything, I’d make better choices. The right choices.
Sometimes I miss my pa and my siblings, but then I think about things a little deeper.
Remember how I’d be yelled at. Hit. Treated like an animal.
Nico doesn’t treat me like that, and neither does grandma.
They love me. Love me like that word Nico taught me: unconditionally. I love them too. So, so much.
“So, abuela…” Nico sits next to me, holding the edge of the seat like he always does when he’s nervous. His lips are drawn tight with a cute but antsy expression on his face. “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about. About… Isa and I.”
She frowns the moment he’s done talking. “Don’t say you’re moving out. You guys only got here a few months ago.”
“No, no.” His laughter is my favorite sound. “It’s… I’m going back to work soon. I got hired at this restaurant downtown. So… I was really hoping you’d help Isandro with his school stuff.”
I don’t want Nico to go to work. I want him to stay home all day with me. But, work is important. I want to get a job. I want to make the money so he can stay at home all day and write his poetry on the computer. But I can’t. Not until I know all the things everybody else does.
Grandma looks at me, and then at Nico. “Is that it?”
“Y-Yeah?”
“Well, of course!” There isn’t a moment of hesitation before she smiles. “I’ll be happy to help.”
She wants to pinch me. I see it in her eyes. But she doesn’t, she just takes a sip of water. Nico’s relieved, sighing heavily and sinking into his chair. Without thinking I reach for his hand, giving it a squeeze. He smiles at me. I really love his smile.
“Okay. Thank you. I really… everything you’ve done for us…”
Grandma smiles warmly at us. “It was nothing, Nico. You know how much you mean to me. You’ve always been so sweet, it really only makes sense you’d end up with a big sweetheart like Isandro.”
My real name is weird. All my life I’ve been Toro. Just Toro. But Nico didn’t know how to explain that name to Grandma, so he asked if it was okay. I said yes, and I don’t regret it.
I like being Isandro. Toro is who I was before Nico. Isandro is someone else. Someone who deserves to have a perfect boyfriend like Nico. All I really want is to make him happy. I want him to never regret being with me, because I know I’ll never regret being with him.
The rest of dinner is peaceful. I help Grandma with dishes and she gives me a piece of cake after. She always makes cake, and it’s always my favorite—chocolate. I’ve never loved anybody besides my family, and Nico. But I love Grandma, too. She’s family.
My favorite thing about Grandma’s house is Nico’s bedroom.
It’s the same one he had when he was a kid.
With decorations and posters and all the stuff he likes.
He put away the pictures of his old friends, and I felt guilty.
I’m the reason he can’t have those friends anymore, and even if he says he’s not upset it still makes me feel bad.
I wish we could have met before. When I was a kid, too. I would’ve loved him back then. More than anyone else. Doesn’t matter what his body is like. Nothing matters except his heart. I wouldn't have been lonely. I would’ve had a friend to call my own.
But right now is good. He’s wearing a short pair of grey shorts and my superhero t-shirt. He’s drowning in it, but it’s sexy. I can’t see the shorts, so it looks like he doesn’t have any on. He probably won’t when I’m done with him, anyway.
I don’t care what he wears. He’s handsome in everything. He says that about me, but I don’t know. I feel bad when I see us together in photos, or in the mirror. But he always tells me I’m cute, and he reminds me everyday that he loves me.
So maybe I’m not that bad.
“Mine,” I grumble before scooping him up in my arms. He’s so warm, skin soft and begging to be kissed. He pretends to be annoyed but I see the smile on his face, the way his eyes meet mine and seem just a little happier than they were before.
We’re cuddling, watching some silly show on the TV. I like having a TV that actually works. There’s a lot of cool stuff to watch, and the internet is really fun.
One time Nico got mad at me because I changed all his wallpapers to pictures of him. But if he didn’t want me to do that, why did he show me how to change it? We even have matching wallpapers on both our phones, because I got one too.
Mine is him the night we went to the fair, lit up by the bright lights and holding the big stuffed animal I won him at the strength testing machine. He didn’t know I took that photo until later, but he looked too beautiful for me to delete it.
His is me in the bathtub. With soap in my hair and the little pictures—emojis—over my nipples. I don’t like it that much, but he always smiles at it so I guess I do like it a little bit. It makes him smile and that’s what matters.
Right now he smells like green apples and vanilla, body pressed against mine like two pieces of a puzzle. I love cuddling with him. I love being around him. He yawns, and I know he’s going to fall asleep soon.
But I won’t.
When he’s fast asleep and nothing is lighting him up except the moon and the TV, I’ll be awake. I’ll be awake to admire him. To pet his hair and make sure he’s always having good dreams. Because to me, just being with him is a good dream.
And I hope I never wake up.