Chapter Six
Spencer
My Friday morning workouts with my small group of gym friends were one of the highlights of my week, so I couldn’t understand why I was so distracted that morning.
I’d nearly tripped over my own feet during our warm-up, and now I kept finding myself staring off into space when I was supposed to be squatting.
“Spencer? You all right, mate?” Sean asked, frowning at me from his spot next to me where he was doing glute kickbacks, a cuff around his ankle so he could use the cable and weights to add more resistance.
Sean was short and muscular, the sort of guy who could probably pick me up and throw me over his shoulder without thinking about it.
He was the one I’d known the longest out of my mates here, after we’d gotten chatting not long after I’d moved back.
My doctor and physio had both sent me away with a long list of exercises and the assurance that gentle work-outs and building muscle would be good for me and help with my recovery.
Sean had been on the floor next to me and seen my Greenwich t-shirt, which I couldn’t bring myself to part with, and started chatting to me. Our friendship had gone from there. We didn’t hang out much outside the gym, but I still considered us close.
“Yeah,” I said, racking the squat bar. “I’m fine, why?”
“I don’t know. You just seem a bit all over today.” He nodded at the bar. “That’s lighter than usual, right? Something wrong with your ankle?”
“No, it’s not that.” I shook my head, pleased and irritated that Sean had noticed. I’d have talked to him if I’d known what the problem was, but I had no idea what was throwing me out of whack. I thought back over the past few days, trying to think about what had happened.
Work had been pretty busy but nothing more than normal.
I’d made a toffee apple cake with Mina’s supervision and had my first successful attempt at making caramel shards.
That had been pretty sweet. But I didn’t think that was the issue because that had been an awesome, exciting thing, and right now, I just felt…
confused and drifting. Like an abandoned dinghy on the water.
There was something causing it. I just couldn’t think what.
“Girlfriend?” Sean asked. “Did you and Natalie go on another date or something?”
“No, that’s definitely over.” Natalie was a girl from the gym I’d had a brief thing with in September, but it had fizzled out pretty quickly when we realised there was zero chemistry between us.
Sean frowned, and I wished he’d let it drop. But that wasn’t going to happen when Sean’s boyfriend, Chris, and our mutual friend, Andrew, came strolling over, having abandoned whatever they were doing when they saw Sean and me talking.
“You guys okay?” Chris asked. He was built like a tank with the squishy heart of a teddy bear.
I hadn’t realised when I first met them that Sean and Chris were together, but they’d opened up to me after they’d seen me in the Sleeping Goose, one of the local pubs, which was the closest thing Heather Bay had to a dedicated queer space, and realised I was a safe person.
It had probably helped that I’d been with Noah and company, including Theo, who had told me his mission in life was to be a walking beacon of queer, femme-boy energy.
“Spencer’s not feeling great,” Sean said.
“Is it your ankle?” Andrew asked. He was a chilled nerd who spent his weekends doing zombie runs, organising Dungeons and Dragons sessions, and hiking for miles across the Yorkshire moors with his golden retriever, Harley.
“No,” I said. “My ankle’s fine.”
“Have you got a cold or something?” Chris asked. “You’re looking a little… I don’t know… pale. Tired too.”
“I don’t think it’s a cold.” I shrugged. “I don’t know what it is. I’m just feeling a little off today. It happens.”
The others nodded. “You want to talk about it?” Andrew asked. “You know we’re here for you.”
“I don’t think there’s much to talk about. I don’t even know what’s wrong,” I said, looking around the gym. “Maybe we can just do a bit more? I think just doing something will help my brain switch off.”
“Of course,” Chris said, slapping me on the shoulder. “You wanna do some walking lunges with me?”
“Sure, sounds good.”
Chris and I found a clear space and grabbed some weights before making a start.
I tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other, keeping my posture upright and dipping my back knee as close to the floor as I could.
It helped, but I was still wobbly and unfocused.
I didn’t know what was distracting me, but it was starting to become a problem.
At the end, I grabbed my water bottle and took a long drink, trying to clear my head.
Across the gym, I saw a younger guy in a loose tank top and small shorts doing hip thrusts with a barbell.
I stopped to watch him for a second, my gaze lingering on the muscles in his thighs and the way his butt squeezed when he raised his hips. He had pretty good form.
The guy saw me looking and grinned, and I turned away. I didn’t want him to think I was staring. Which I wasn’t. I was just… looking at his form. Because that was a totally normal thing to do. I did it all the time.
I went back to my lunges with Chris, forcing my brain to focus.
Except… when I glanced out the long windows on one side of the gym, I noticed it was raining again.
And I started thinking about Noah and his orange umbrella.
I hoped he didn’t get wet again today. It couldn’t have been fun turning up at school all soaked through on Wednesday, but I hoped the cupcake had cheered him up.
I’d forgotten to ask last night because I’d been so focused on helping him. Noah had looked so happy when he’d seen how the cupcakes had come out, and it had made me feel warm and fuzzy again, like I had on Wednesday. Only more intense.
Noah had insisted he couldn’t bake, and that it was going to be a disaster, but the cakes he’d made had been awesome. I’d originally thought I’d have time to teach him how to ice them, but then we’d gotten distracted by tasting the cinnamon buns, and I hadn’t wanted to rush.
And I kind of wanted him to come back too. I hadn’t wanted it to be just a one-time thing. So I’d put off teaching him how to ice them just so it didn’t have to be.
I didn’t know if that was sneaky, or weird, or whether it was just being helpful and friendly. It felt like it was more than that, but again, I didn’t know why. Noah was my friend, and I liked hanging out with him. He was cute too.
Not cute in a wanting to date him way but cute as in friendly cute. Except I didn’t even think that was a thing. And now that I’d thought about Noah not being cute in a dating kind of way, there was a voice inside my head asking why not. Noah was cute. I couldn’t deny that.
And just because I was straight didn’t mean I couldn’t think guys were cute.
“Spencer?” Chris’s voice jerked me from my thoughts, and I spun to look at him. He frowned. “You sure you’re all right?”
“I don’t know,” I said. I sighed and went to rack the dumbbells I’d been holding. “Can I ask you a question? Like a personal question?”
“Yeah, anything.” Chris and I stepped to one side so we weren’t in anyone’s way. But now I didn’t even know what question to ask. I’ve been hanging out with a friend, and it makes me feel all fuzzy. What does that mean? No, that wouldn’t work.
Except now that I thought about it, that was kind of the issue. I’d never felt that way about any of my other friends when I’d hung out with them before. The only time I’d felt like that was around some of my ex-girlfriends.
“So, er, you’re bi, right? Like you like people of all genders?” It probably wasn’t the best question to open with, but I’d said it now, and I couldn’t take it back.
“Yeah, I am,” Chris said, giving me an encouraging smile.
“Okay, so, like, how did you know that? How did you know you liked more than girls? If you even started liking girls first, that is. I mean, how did you know you felt the same about lots of people?” I asked.
I didn’t know why I was flustered or even why I was asking Chris.
Several of my other friends were bi or queer; they could’ve helped me.
I should have asked Theo. He always seemed good with this stuff.
But if I asked Theo, then Laurie would probably be there too, and although I didn’t mind Laurie knowing, it kind of felt like it would be two against one.
Chris looked at me for a second like he was trying to figure something out, then he said, “I was twelve, maybe thirteen, and I’d had crushes on girls at school, so I knew I liked them.
But then I was watching some of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and I thought that Katara was cute, but Zuko was cuter.
I always said they should have ended up together, but later, I realised it was because of more reasons that I thought they’d be the better couple.
It was because I wanted to be with Zuko.
” He grinned. “Sorry. I guess that sounds kinda weird. I had the same sort of feelings when I watched Pirates of the Caribbean too. Elizabeth was hot, but Will was also hot. It took me a while to get there, but then I realised I liked guys just as much, and that was it. Does that help?”
I nodded because it did a little. Knowing that he’d felt the same way about guys as he did girls made it sound pretty simple. But it also threw up another massive question. If I felt the same way around Noah as I had with my ex-girlfriends, did that mean I liked guys too?
I’d never even thought about that before.
Which was weird because ninety percent of my friends were queer, but I’d never really sat down and thought about whether I might be too. I’d just kind of assumed that I was straight because I’d only ever had girlfriends.
Huh. Maybe I had some thinking to do?
“Yeah,” I said. “That helps. Thanks.”
“No worries,” Chris said. “And if you wanna talk about it some more, I’m here.”
“Thanks. I think I need to go and do some thinking, though.”
“Did you… meet someone?” Chris seemed unsure if he should have asked, and I shrugged.
“I don’t know. Maybe? I just… I’ve been hanging out with this guy a little more, and I don’t know… Everything felt nice. Maybe I’m just thinking too much into it.”
Chris nodded, and I saw his lips twitch. “You don’t have to figure everything out right this second. If you like hanging out with him, keep hanging out with him and see how you feel. And then if you want more, you can ask him. Do you think he’d want that with you?”
I thought for a second. I knew Noah was gay, but did that mean he’d want anything to do with me? I had no idea. He was Alex’s best friend, and that would make things more complicated, but on the other hand, he was an adult. I wasn’t going to make decisions for him.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe? I know he’s gay, but that doesn’t mean he’d automatically want me.”
But as I looked at the rain outside, I got the sneaking sensation that I’d be disappointed if he said no.
“All you can do is ask,” Chris said. He picked his water bottle up off the floor. “By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It’s sports related this time.”
“Er, sure.”
“Me, Sean, and Andrew were looking at joining that five-a-side football league they run at the leisure centre. I wondered if you’d be up for joining us.
I know you haven’t played in a while, but it would just be for fun.
They’re starting a new season at the end of November, and registration for teams closes at the end of October. ”
Chris’s words stunned me. The last thing I’d expected him to bring up was football, especially after what we’d just been talking about, but maybe it was his way of showing me that nothing was going to change between us. I didn’t know what to say, though.
I hadn’t played since my forced retirement over ten years ago.
At first, it was because I couldn’t and then because it was too painful to even consider picking up a ball.
My heart had ached every time I’d thought about it, anger and grief bubbling inside me like a lethal combination of fizzy pop and popping candy.
Football had been my life, and giving it up had taken everything out of me.
I’d never wanted to feel that pain again, but maybe shutting it off completely had done as much bad as it had good.
Instead of processing my feelings, I’d just bottled them up and decided to chuck the source of the problem into the sea, hoping it would float away on the tide of my memories.
But emotions didn’t work like that.
Chris was still looking at me, waiting for my answer.
My first reaction was to say no and tell him I couldn’t risk it.
My doctors had told me not to play again, and I’d stuck to that.
They’d meant high-level stuff, though. A casual kick about with my mates probably didn’t count. But I didn’t have to tell Chris that.
But another part of me, a quiet voice that I’d suppressed for so long that I’d forgotten what it sounded like, whispered that I should say yes. I still loved football, and while my sporting dreams weren’t ever going to come true, that didn’t mean I had to punish myself for the rest of my life.
The two answers were at war with each other, both firing shots across my heart, and I didn’t know which one I wanted to win.
“Can I think about it?” I asked finally. “I’ve not played in a while, and I’m not sure I can.”
“No worries,” Chris said, clapping me on the shoulder. “Just let me know. Also, if you can think of anyone else who might be up for it, let me know. We’re not going to go proper hard. It’s just going to be for fun. Let off a bit of steam and have a kick about.”
“Cool,” I said. “Will do.”
I glanced out the gym window again, feeling like someone had put all my emotions into a blender and turned it on full.