Chapter Twenty-One
Jamie
No matter how many times I told myself that Will taking me for lunch at the Green Dragon wasn’t a date, I couldn’t convince myself otherwise.
I’d changed my outfit at least three times, despite the fact they were all jumper and jean combinations, while wishing I had more options with me because I suddenly hated everything. My stomach wouldn’t stop clenching, and I’d never felt so on edge, which was ridiculous because this wasn’t a date.
Sure, I’d spent more time with Will than apart from him over the week, and we’d hung out most evenings, but it didn’t mean anything, even if we hadn’t had sex every night and instead spent half of them curled up on the sofa together just talking quietly and watching Netflix until one or both of us started to doze off.
And yes, he’d introduced me to his friends and invited me to hang out with them, but he was just being polite because he didn’t want me to spend an evening by myself.
And… the more I tried to dismiss everything that had happened between us, the more ludicrous it sounded.
Because no casual, sex-only thing included personal cooking lessons, or Netflix binges over bottles of red wine, or the sleepy sharing of secrets and dreams in front of a fire.
It certainly didn’t include me dragging my ass out of bed at half five every morning to traipse out into the freezing cold to learn the ins and outs of sheep farming.
That was something you only did for love or money, and I certainly wasn’t being paid.
There was a knock on the door of the shepherd’s hut before it swung open, and Will’s head appeared through the gap. “Shall we get going?”
“Is this a date?” I asked, the words falling out of my mouth as I turned away from the mess on my bed before I had a chance to stop them.
Will stared at me for a moment. “Do you want it to be?”
“Do you?”
“Yeah… I think so…” he said. “I mean, I guess it was already.”
I walked over to him, unable to hide my giddy smile. It was weird because I didn’t really do dates or dating, not like this, but the idea of going on a proper date with Will, one that actually had the word attached to it rather than being a date in disguise, made me unbelievably happy.
“I think a lot of what we’ve been doing would count as dates,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist and leant up to kiss him.
“Would it now?” Will grinned and raised an eyebrow teasingly. “What would that be? You turning eggs to rubber in my kitchen? You taking up half my bed and stealing the duvet?”
“I was thinking more you drooling onto my shoulder after falling asleep during our first episode of The Rings of Power or you snoring in my ear while holding me in a death grip.”
“Fuck off. My snoring is not that bad.”
“And I don’t steal all the duvet.”
“I suppose not.” Will chuckled and kissed me again. “So… if a lot of what we’ve been doing counts as dating, do you want to make it an official thing? Or do you want to just keep it casual and not label it?”
I swallowed. I had no idea what the right answer was or even if there was one. It felt like it should be complicated, especially because I wasn’t supposed to be in Heather Bay long-term, but in that moment, there was only one thing I could say. “Yes. I want this.”
“Okay, then,” Will said as casually as if he’d been talking about the weather. The smile on his face and the glint in his eyes were the only evidence of it being different. He slid his hand into mine, the rough skin and calluses familiar against my skin. “Shall we go and get some lunch now?”
The Green Dragon was a higgledy-piggledy pub on the outskirts of Heather Bay just on the edge of the moors.
It looked like it had once been a small barn but had had bits added to it over the years with no sense of style or practicality, giving it a rather lopsided and patchwork feel.
From the outside, it almost looked charmingly half-abandoned, and I wouldn’t have given it a second glance if we’d driven straight past it.
The car park was almost full to bursting when Will and I arrived, but we’d managed to find a spare corner to squeeze the Land Rover into before we headed inside.
As soon as the door swung open, we were greeted with the heavenly scents of Sunday roast and a hum of chatter.
There were a few muddy boots by the door, and as we stepped inside, I saw a few old men sitting at the bar in socks with wet dogs at their feet.
Will flagged down a passing member of the waitstaff, and soon we were being ushered through the bar, down a corridor and past several busy dining rooms, then into a small, cosy dining room with five tables and a roaring fire.
Our table was near the window, which I realised when I sat down was slightly off-kilter as if it had slipped and shifted over the years.
It was an apt visual depiction for everything going on in my head.
Once upon a time, everything in my life had been just so, and I’d thought nothing would change.
Now my view had shifted, and everything felt off-centre.
“Are you okay?” Will asked once we’d ordered some drinks and been left to our own devices with the menu.
“I think so,” I said, tearing my eyes away from the view. “Just thinking about how much things have changed.”
“Does it bother you? Do you want to go back? I’d understand if you did.”
“I don’t know. I think it only bothers me because everything feels so easy now.
Not that farming is easy. It’s the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done, but somehow it still feels easier than being in London.
” I tapped my finger on the table for a moment.
“I’m not sure easy is the right word for it, though. ”
“Do you think it’s just the novelty?” Will asked.
“Maybe? But if that was the case, then I’d have thought it would have worn off by now.
I’ve never stuck at anything for this long before.
I’ve always just been chasing the next high.
I think that’s the problem with hedonism.
It can get very tedious very quickly if you don’t keep finding new ways to feed it.
New men, new clubs, new ways to spend money.
It’s just a constant search for dopamine. At least it is for me.”
“You were bored,” Will said matter-of-factly.
“Yes, I was.”
“I don’t think it was in the way you think, though.”
“Oh?” I was curious to hear what he had to say because Will’s insight was rarely wrong. He could read everyone like they were an open book, but he didn’t seem to often share what he saw. Perhaps he didn’t want to hurt people.
“I think you were bored because nobody ever expected anything of you, so you never expected anything of yourself. My guess is your parents expected you to look and act the part of a good son, but they never really cared what you did with your life as long as you went to the right university, showed up at the right events, and didn’t scandalise yourself in a national newspaper.
And since nobody expected you to do anything with your life beyond play a part, you’ve never thought about what you really wanted from life.
You told me you thought you were looking for purpose, and I think that’s why you’re still here.
For the first time in your life, you’ve found a reason to get out of bed in the morning or at least something that interests you enough to make a go of it. And that’s an achievement in itself.”
I watched him as he spoke. He seemed to consider every word. It was the second time Will had laid the truth out for me like that, and it was strange how just a few words could make me feel so seen. Shining a spotlight on my soul wasn’t as scary as I’d expected. At least not anymore.
Because Will had neatly summed up what I’d been trying to figure out for the past two weeks, and it seemed like I’d stumbled onto the answer without even realising it. I just wasn’t convinced about the achievement part.
“I think you’re right,” I said, my heart racing as a new rush of emotion swept through me. “But I think you deserve some credit here.”
“Why? I haven’t done anything.”
“Yes, you have. You were the one who caught me so completely off guard I couldn’t think straight.
You’ve called me out on my shit and made me realise just how stuck in my bubble I’ve been.
” My lip twitched into a smile as I thought about everything that had happened over the past few weeks.
It felt like so much longer than that but also like no time at all. “You didn’t push me away either.”
“To be fair, at first, I just wanted to get laid,” Will said, and I snorted.
“I mean, same. In case I haven’t told you, you’re really fucking hot.”
“I don’t know if you have today.”
“How outrageous.”
“You’ve said it now, though, so you’re forgiven,” he said, giving me a wry smile. “But I can’t take the credit. You intrigued me, Jamie. The way you just walked into my life like you belonged there.”
“Even if I have no fucking clue what I’m doing half the time?”
“Only half? There are some things I’d say you’re pretty fucking good at.” He winked at me, and I pulled a face at him.
“Don’t start,” I said, pointing a finger at him while trying not to laugh. “I am not going through lunch with a hard-on, and I’m not fucking you in the toilets.”
“I wasn’t doing anything. Just giving you a compliment.”
“Sure, let’s go with that.”
A moment later a member of the waiting staff appeared with our drinks, and Will and I had to beg a few more minutes to actually look at the menu.
Everything looked so delicious it was difficult to decide, but we eventually settled on sharing a baked Camembert with toasted focaccia soldiers and homemade chutney as a starter, and then I decided on the roast beef while Will ordered the pork.
If we had any room after that, we’d decide on pudding, although we did have work to do later, so we had to make sure we weren’t so full all we wanted to do was go back to Will’s and sleep.
“Okay, I have a question for you,” I said as soon as our smiling waiter disappeared with our order.
“Am I going to regret this?”
“No. I just…” I glanced around surreptitiously and lowered my voice before asking the question that I’d been dying to ask all weekend.
“Have you seriously never watched any of Theo’s porn?
Like, I’m not judging, but if my super-hot friend gave me a free porn sub to their work, I would one hundred percent watch them get railed. ”
Will’s cheeks flushed, and he glanced out the window. “I… er… Once. When he first gave us the code. I was curious, and Theo is cute, but I… It wasn’t my sort of thing. The one I’d picked had this teacher-student Daddy vibe, and I just… It wasn’t for me. But I never had the heart to tell him.”
“Aww, you’re so sweet,” I said, not mentioning that I knew exactly which video he was talking about and had thought it was hot as balls.
I’d felt like such a fucking idiot when I hadn’t recognised Theo, and I’d almost wanted the group to open and swallow me up when he’d corrected me, but the fact that he’d seemed genuinely pleased that I’d known who he was had made up for it.
That and watching all his friends awkwardly try to explain why they’d never watched his work.
I’d wanted to ask them all why not, but I didn’t know them well enough.
Which was why I was now cornering Will.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell,” I continued. “But if you do want more suggestions, I can find you some others.”
“Nope,” Will said. “It’d just be weird.”
“Fine. But I can find plenty of other fun things for us to watch together if you fancy it.” I smirked at him. “I think it would be hot.”
The flush on Will’s face deepened, and I added that to my mental list of things to try with him. “Yeah… that… that sounds fun.”
“Perfect,” I said. “I’ll leave it for a day when you’re really stressed.”
Will grimaced. “You won’t have to wait long. It’s lambing soon. It’s the most stressful time of the year.”
I made a mental note to find those chapters in the books I’d been reading because I knew Will wouldn’t have time to deal with my complete lack of knowledge alongside everything else.
But I wanted to hear him talk about it as well because listening to Will explain things would never get boring to me.
There was just something about his quiet, confident explanations that made me hang on his every word.
“Tell me about it?” I asked as the waiter arrived with an enormous wooden board that seemed to have a Camembert the size of a small tractor tire on it, accompanied by stacks of large, crispy chunks of focaccia and tangy pots of chutney.
I picked up one of the pieces of toast and dunked it into the middle of the cheese, scooping up a mess as I listened to Will start to explain, already knowing that deep down, I wanted this to be my life forever.