Chapter Two
Theo
“It’s still fucking weird,” I said as I lounged in the middle of the bed in a mini sundress and watched Austin set up various tripods around the room. I was in Leeds for the weekend to film a couple of scenes for my MyFans and to try desperately to get out of my head.
I’d been doing porn through MyFans for about four and a half years now and I absolutely loved it.
It gave me so much confidence, made me feel amazing about my body and my sexuality, and the extra income was a definite bonus.
I’d long since given up trying to be someone I wasn’t and learnt to embrace the gorgeous femme brat I was, inside and out, and along the way I’d learnt a lot of other people liked it too.
Or at least, they liked watching my pretty ass get pounded. And I was okay with that, especially when it meant I could build the most amazing gaming PC and buy adorable taxidermy animals for my collection.
Since Heather Bay wasn’t the most accessible place by public transport and I didn’t fancy traipsing up and down the country in my tiny car every week, especially because I had a day job, I usually met up with a load of guys and filmed a ton of content over the course of a weekend every so often.
“With Laurie?” Austin asked as he slid a phone into one of the stands before adjusting the brightness of the ring light around it.
Austin was one of my favourite men to film with, and we’d become super close over the past few years.
He was tall and really fucking cute, with gym-honed muscles, a million tattoos, a wicked smirk, and a cocky as fuck attitude.
But right now I was pissed at him because he was the reason I was in this mess.
“Yup! It’s not like we’re not talking or anything, and he still lets me sleep in his bed when I have nightmares but it’s like…
it’s just weird. There’s something not right and I don’t like it.
” I huffed and folded my arms. Even just talking about it was making me feel weird but I didn’t know who else to talk about it with.
I could’ve talked to all my friends at home, but I was sure they’d all tell me to talk to Laurie and they’d ask me what I wanted, and I didn’t want to do the first and had no clue about the second.
It was easier just to whine to Austin. “This is all your fault. Why did you have to bring it up?”
“Honestly? Because you’d never told me he wasn’t your fucking boyfriend.” Austin raised an eyebrow and shot me an unimpressed expression.
“Did I need to? Why would you even think that?”
“Do you want me to answer that?”
I screwed up my face but didn’t say anything.
I already knew why Austin had thought that, because Laurie and I were closer than society expected most men to be.
We cuddled and kissed and always sat close together wherever we went.
We shared a bed when I had bad dreams or felt lonely, we cooked dinner together every night, and even our washing was mixed in the same basket—although the differences in colour palette meant they didn’t always get washed together.
I wasn’t going to risk ruining my favourite pink dress because Laurie insisted on wearing virtually nothing but black and very, very, very dark grey.
Even his underwear was black!
Laurie wasn’t just my roommate and my boss; he was my best friend and meant everything to me. I never wanted to imagine my life without him in it, and even just thinking about it made me feel like I was going to puke.
Which was why I’d never thought about what we were to each other. Because experience had taught me if I looked too closely at it, it would all vanish in a puff of smoke.
“I thought so,” Austin said with a dry laugh. “Your face says it all.”
“My face says nothing,” I said before sticking out my tongue at him.
“Yeah it fucking does. You like Laurie.”
“Of course I like Laurie. He’s my best friend!”
“Don’t be so fucking obtuse. You’re not twelve. Yeah, he’s your best friend but you have feelings for him. And one day you’re going to have to deal with that.”
“Why are you being so mean to me?” I asked, determined to ignore everything Austin had said. It was true, but I was going to live in denial for as long as physically possible because then life could keep on being practically perfect, nothing would change, and nobody would get hurt.
And by nobody, I meant me.
Because experience had also taught me hundreds of men were very happy to watch me get fucked, but exactly none of them wanted to date me.
Or at least, none of the ones I’d met. Men adored me, fantasised about me, spent their hard-earned money on my work, spoilt me with presents from my online wish lists, helped me raise thousands for charity when I streamed games on Twitch, sent me endless DMs telling me how much they wanted me…
and then, if I ever showed interest, promptly told me they didn’t want to date someone who did porn or wore femme clothing and listed out all the things they wanted me to change about myself.
Which was a huge fucking no. I’d tried that before and been so fucking miserable I couldn’t stand it.
If I was going to fall in love with anyone, it was going to be with a man who loved and appreciated me just the way I was and didn’t want me to change anything. Except maybe my terrible habit of leaving wet towels all over the place and never putting my plates in the dishwasher.
“I’m not being mean. I’m telling you the truth, because you’re my friend and I want you to be happy,” Austin said.
He walked over and sat down on the bed, putting his hand on my foot.
“Seriously, baby. You deserve someone who fucking adores you, because we both know how fucking hard it is to find someone in this industry. Everyone wants to fuck a porn star, but nobody wants to marry one.”
“Marry?” My eyes widened and I gasped. “Oh my God, are you and Kane getting married?”
“Hopefully.” Austin grinned. I squealed and threw myself into his arms. I adored Austin’s boyfriend, Kanan, otherwise known as the former boy band star turned TV and film hottie, Jude Kane.
They were so fucking cute together it was almost sickening, but it was clear they utterly adored each other, and as far as I was aware, Kane had never made a fuss about Austin’s career or that he’d wanted to continue it.
That was the dream, and I was so happy Austin had found it.
“Ah, that’s amazing! I’m so fucking happy for you!”
“It’s not official yet—he’s gotta say yes first,” Austin said with a breathless chuckle as I squeezed him tightly.
“I’ve gotta find the right moment to ask.
It’s so fucking weird. I’ve never found it hard to ask men if they wanna fuck or film or if I can fist them.
But asking Kanan to marry me is fucking terrifying. ”
“Why are you so nervous?” I asked as I shifted so I was straddling Austin’s lap and he looped an arm around my waist so I wouldn’t fall. He had really broad thighs and his denim shorts rubbed the inside of my legs. “He’s going to say yes!”
“I don’t know. Kanan is… shit, he’s everything to me. I know if I don’t ask him, I’ll regret it forever. He’s proper one of a kind.”
“You better ask him then, and if you don’t I’ll just nag you until you do!”
Austin laughed. “Give me a bit of fucking time to plan it at least.”
“Hmm, you get six weeks,” I said, plucking an arbitrary number out of the air. That seemed like a fair amount of time to me. “It’s not like you’re going to be planning anything super elaborate.”
“How’d you know? I could be doing the whole fucking hot air balloon ride or like, rose petals all over the beach shit.”
“Firstly, because you hate heights and you once told me that you don’t think there’s anything more pointless than a hot air balloon and that they look like giant floating ball sacks.
” I raised my eyebrow at him and Austin snorted.
“And secondly, Kanan hates being the centre of attention when he’s not in actor mode, and if you want him to say yes, you’re actually going to make it something he wants to remember.
So, no ball sack balloons, no cheesy flash mobs that are so twenty ten, and no rose petal beaches. ”
“Damn, baby, you’ve got me all figured out,” he said, booping me on the nose with a finger.
“Most men aren’t hard to figure out. You’re all the same.”
“And you?”
I shrugged. “I’m like, boy but the shiny version.
Boy plus. If ‘man’ is deep blue, then I’m more pastel.
” I’d always felt more like myself while presenting in a nontraditionally masculine sense, and ever since I’d started examining the concept of gender and my feelings around it, they’d always felt kind of nebulous.
I definitely felt some sort of attachment to a male label as far as my overall gender identity, but if I was male, it was the rare, shiny version, like a collector’s edition Pokémon card.
Austin nodded. “Thanks for telling me.”
“It’s not a big deal,” I said.
“It is, because you felt comfortable enough to share it.” He kissed my cheek softly. “Are you still using he/him, or do you want me to use something else?”
“He/him is fine. So’s he/they. I don’t really mind. They don’t really give me any dysphoria.”
“Okay then. If that changes, just let me know.”
I nodded and smiled, feeling a warm bubble rise in my chest. Laurie was the only other person I’d had this conversation with, and he’d accepted it with the same quiet, calm, welcoming grace that he’d done with everything else I’d told him.
Laurie was the exception to virtually all my rules and expectations of other men, and that made him special in a way I couldn’t describe.
Laurie had never judged me, never doubted me, and never batted an eyelid at anything I did with my life—from porn, to live streaming my gaming, to holding lengthy conversations with the deceased in our care.
That didn’t mean he let me walk all over him, and we were currently in a long-running standoff about my desire for both a guinea pig or two and a chess set I’d seen on Etsy with taxidermy mice as the pieces.
The chess set was ridiculously over the top and incredibly expensive, so I was hoping that Laurie would consider the guinea pigs as a viable alternative, but so far I wasn’t having any luck.
It was as if Laurie knew my plan and was waiting for me to give up my dreams of both of them. But the joke was on him because Laurie’s stubbornness was nothing next to mine.
At this rate I wasn’t even going to accept a compromise.
I wanted both. After all, our flat was definitely big enough, and the small private garden we had would be perfect for piggies in the summer.
Especially if I actually made an effort to clear it out and tidy it up, which the guinea pigs would give me an incentive to do.
“All right,” Austin said, standing up with me still on his lap. I squealed and he gently threw me onto the bed. “Let’s finish getting set up and get started. Didn’t you say Jake was coming round later?”
“Yeah,” I said. “At about three. He’s going to text me when he’s on his way over. Did you want to stay? We could film something together and then get pizza afterwards?”
“Sounds fun,” Austin said as he checked the tripods and phones again.
I slid off the bed and walked over to the corner where I’d carefully stashed my bag and pulled out a selection of pretty underwear pieces to put on under my dress.
They wouldn’t stay on for long, but my fans liked seeing them.
The plug in my ass shifted as I bent over, and I realised I should take it out now before we started so we could save time later.
There was so much behind-the-scenes stuff we did that never made it on camera and nobody ever really thought about.
“Blue or yellow?” I asked, holding up the pieces. Austin flicked his gaze over and grinned.
“Blue. Wear the yellow when Jake gets here.”
“Perfect. Give me two minutes and I’ll be ready.” I slid into the attached en-suite to finish getting ready.
After six weeks without filming, I was ready to have some fun.