Chapter Eleven
Laurie
“Penny for your thoughts?” Spencer asked as he carefully slid Theo’s and my reusable cups onto the counter of Novel Tea alongside a small box with several muffins inside it. “You look like you’ve got a little cloud floating over your head. Rough day?”
I tried to force a smile and brush him off with a platitude, but I’d always found Spencer to be a very endearing, soft soul and lying to him felt like pretending to throw a ball for an overgrown puppy while hiding the real one in your pocket. “A little, but not for the reason you might think.”
“Not a work thing?”
“No, not this time.”
Spencer nodded. Our friends had always accepted that sometimes, with our line of work, Theo and I had to deal with a lot of difficult things, and they had always given us space to process our emotions without pushing.
They all understood that sometimes we needed distracting, sometimes we needed to be left alone, and sometimes we just needed a hug.
The third hadn’t been in my wheelhouse of coping mechanisms until a few years ago.
Theo had always expressed himself through touch and needed it to feel comforted, and I’d been happy to hold him close to me.
But after a particularly scarring day not too long after we’d started hanging out with everyone, Spencer, Noah, Lane, and Alex had all turned up at the flat with food, given both Theo and me enormous hugs, and proceeded to spend the entire evening with us.
They hadn’t expected us to tell them what had happened, but they’d just been there in case we needed anything. It was one of those moments that would forever be etched into my memory because it was the first time I’d realised I had friends.
Ever since then, I’d done my best to be there whenever they needed me. So when Spencer had turned up at our flat late one night last October in the throes of a sexuality crisis, I’d let him in and put the kettle on.
Because no matter what the problem was, a cup of tea always made things better.
“Do you remember when we went to that barbecue at Lane and Oliver’s back in May?
When Henry brought all his friends from the set of Llewelyn?
” I asked, pushing the lid of my cup into place.
Theo and I had a terrible habit of buying a lot of takeaway drinks, so I’d recently bought us some reusable cups so I’d feel less guilty about using millions of cardboard ones. Theo’s was pink. Mine was black.
“Yeah, that was fun,” Spencer said. He thought for a second. “Has this got something to do with what Austin said to Theo? About you two being together?”
I nodded. “Yes. Things had been fine until recently, sort of anyway, but then something changed… and then West emailed and…” I trailed off, feeling a horrible combination of flustered and miserable.
Spencer hummed for a second, then turned and stuck his head into the kitchen. “Stephen, can you take over out here for a minute? It’s not busy—I’ve just gotta help Laurie with something.”
“I don’t… It’s fine…”
“You’re not,” Spencer said. “Something’s bothering you and we’re gonna chat about it. It’ll help, I promise!”
He walked out from behind the counter, picked up Theo’s drink, which was a ruby hot chocolate with so much whipped cream piled on top it was impossible to get the lid on, and the box of cupcakes and began to head towards the door. “Come on, I’ll help you carry these back. We can talk and walk.”
I didn’t have much choice but to follow him out of the coffee shop and into the late morning sunshine.
It was another bright, clear day, but thankfully there was a cool breeze blowing in off the sea that provided a blissful break from the soaring temperatures.
In stereotypical goth form, I was already counting down until the nights began to draw in and the days began to cool, eagerly awaiting the crisp autumn mornings that glittered with frost.
“What do you think changed?” Spencer asked as soon as we started off down the cobbled street, catching me off guard with his directness.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “I think… maybe for the first time, someone said the quiet part about our friendship out loud. The part we never wanted to acknowledge. It’s as if they’ve shone a torch on it, and now I’ve seen it, I’m not sure I can unsee it.
Does that make sense? I know Theo and I have always been close.
Ever since we started talking we just clicked, but I also know that most friends, no matter how close they are, don’t do what we do.
It’s never bothered me—I love the way we are together—but now… ”
“You want more?”
“I think I do.”
“Only think? Or do you know you want more, but you’re kinda scared to admit it?
” There was no malice in Spencer’s question but it still threw me.
While I’d been aware of my feelings for Theo for a while, it had only been in a nebulous sense where I’d hoped I could ignore their presence if I didn’t really acknowledge them.
This was the first time I’d admitted anything, and it was fucking terrifying.
Theo was everything to me and I didn’t want to ruin what we had by trying to change things.
“I’m scared,” I said quietly, glancing at the smooth stones beneath my feet before looking back at him.
“I’ve known Theo for six years and everything we have is perfect.
What if I tell him how I feel and he doesn’t feel the same?
Theo’s more than just a friend to me. I can’t lose him.
And if that means us just staying friends, then I’d rather do that than risk living my life without him. ”
Spencer stopped and turned, looking down at me with a bemused expression. “Mate, I love both of you to bits. You two helped me figure out who I am, so I’m not saying this to like, hurt you or be rude—”
“Okay,” I said, unable to stop myself from smiling. “But?”
“But if you seriously think Theo doesn’t feel the same about you, even just a little bit, then you’re being dense as fuck and nobody can help you.
” He grinned at me. “Have you seen the way he looks at you? The way he acts around you? You’re, like, the only person Theo listens to.
Ever. And whenever he sees you, his face just fucking lights up like a Christmas tree.
Are you seriously going to tell me everything you do together is just platonic and that he has no feelings for you? Because I don’t believe that.”
“I… I mean… He listens to Jonathan,” I said weakly. “He’s our receptionist and he always ignores Theo’s whining.”
Spencer shook his head. “Nah, there’s a difference between ignoring Theo and getting Theo to listen to you.
Like, ignoring him is half the battle and most of us are shit at it because he’s too cute and he knows it.
It’s like, weaponised cuteness.” I snorted because I knew exactly what he meant.
“See? But getting Theo to listen to us is completely different. Theo usually does whatever he wants and you’re the only one who can stop him. It’s like your superpower!”
I chuckled. “I suppose, although there is a knack to it. You do have to pick your battles, but Theo does know where the line is most of the time. I just have to remind him when he forgets.”
“Kinky,” Spencer said. He was joking but I couldn’t help thinking back to my recent fantasies of seeing Theo spread out with red handprints all over his backside or beautifully bound for me so I could edge and tease him until he begged.
I’d even considered the idea of putting Theo in a cock cage because he’d look so lovely in one, but I wasn’t sure whether it would make him sweet and compliant or just increase the pouting.
We walked a little farther and just when I was wondering if I should say something, Spencer said, “You said West’s email changed something too?”
“Yeah. Theo has a… complicated relationship with his parents, and Westley is a lot younger than him. I know he’s done his best to forget about them, and I think West reaching out and the realisation that little boy he remembers isn’t a little boy anymore is hard.
I’ve never seen Theo as upset as he was when he first read West’s email. I was, fuck, I was so fucking angry.”
“Yeah, it’s hard when you have a bad relationship with the people society always tells you you’re supposed to love.” Spencer’s voice was soft and sad, and I knew he could relate.
Neither he nor Alex had talked much about their relationship with their parents, but it was clear they weren’t close, though for different reasons.
From what Alex had said, he and Spencer were disappointments, Alex for his personality, and Spencer for failing to make it as a world-class football player.
Both reasons were new levels of fuckery in my opinion, and I couldn’t imagine being disappointed in your children for things so outside of their control.
In my line of work, I dealt with all sorts of family dynamics, and so I often saw ones that had fallen apart for various reasons.
I tried never to judge anyone. How could I when my own relationship with my parents was less than stellar?
We were courteous, but that was about it.
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d even seen them in person.
Still, it was hard because people were people and sometimes I couldn’t help but judge them. Just a little.
“And I think it’s just as hard watching someone you love have to deal with that,” Spencer continued. “I get why you want to protect him, because you don’t want him to get hurt again.”
“Exactly. You saw how wound up he was at the pub on Friday, and that was after several days.”
“Did Theo make a decision? About emailing him back?”
“He did. We wrote a brief note on Sunday morning,” I said. “But it… it took Theo a while to do it. I didn’t force him—he was the one who wanted to respond—but when it came down to actually doing it…”
Spencer hummed and there was a pause. I wasn’t looking at him, but I felt his eyes on me. “Did something happen between you two?” he asked finally.
“That depends,” I said as we rounded the corner onto the road where the red brick building of Winchester & Sons was located.
“On what?”
“On what your definition of something is.”
Spencer laughed, nudging me playfully with his shoulder.
“That’s definitely a yes! You don’t have to tell me, though, but if you do, I promise I won’t tell anyone.
” He stopped and dramatically drew a cross over his heart.
“Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die! Only, like, I don’t really want to die because that would suck. ”
“I’d give you a nice funeral if you did,” I said. “Lots of flowers, nice cake. We could all get wasted at your wake.”
“If you’re making the drinks, they’ll all be wasted before it starts.”
I chuckled because I had a tendency to make drinks a little stronger than they needed to be. In my defence, I had a high alcohol tolerance and I didn’t drink much, so my idea of what was a reasonable amount of liquor to put in a cocktail mix was somewhat fucked.
“I wouldn’t say something happened in the way you might think. We didn’t kiss or have sex or anything like that, but it was more intimate than usual, for us at least,” I said.
I didn’t know why I was admitting this to Spencer, because I’d never been open about my sex life with anyone bar Theo and even then I’d tended to keep a lot of details to myself.
I trusted Spencer, though, and when he promised not to tell anyone, I believed him.
And while I had to concede there was a good chance he’d tell Noah, I was okay with that.
Noah was a sensible man and not the sort to start sharing my secrets with the world.
“Okay,” Spencer said. “I’m kinda confused, but that’s okay. You don’t have to tell me any more. As long as you’re both safe and happy, that’s all that matters, and you two are gonna be, like, the safest people when it comes to sex and intimacy.”
I wasn’t exactly sure how he’d come to that conclusion, but he wasn’t far off the mark. Safety and consent were key to Theo’s MyFans work, and I didn’t start randomly tying people without a conversation first.
“Thank you,” I said as the funeral home came into view at the end of the road, the large clock hanging over the front door reading half past ten. “For listening. And for not pushing. This is the first time I’ve talked about this with anyone, and I appreciate it.”
“No worries. You can talk to me any time. I’m always happy to listen. And if you want my opinion, I think you should go for it with Theo.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, of course. You two are proper cute together and there’s obviously something between you.
I know you’re worried about fucking everything up, but I don’t think you need to be,” Spencer said.
“Besides, you don’t want to regret not going for it.
At least if you ask him, you’ll know. If not, you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering what could’ve happened, and that’d suck.
Sometimes you’ve just got to dive in and see what happens, and if it all goes tits up…
we’ll all be here with one of those orange life rings to pull you in. ”
“Thanks,” I said, genuinely touched by his words. They’d given me confidence and hope, and while I wasn’t going to walk straight in and tell Theo what I was thinking, perhaps I wouldn’t be so afraid of my own emotions.
“You’re welcome.” Spencer stopped outside the door and smiled at me. “I’m pretty sure that I can speak for everyone when I say we love you two and we just want you to be happy. We’ve pretty much always thought you were together.”
“Why did none of you ever ask?” It was a question that had been playing on my mind for a while and now seemed the perfect time to finally ask it.
Spencer shrugged. “Dunno. It’s the British thing, though, isn’t it? We all thought you were a couple, but by the time we wanted to ask, we’d known you for months, so it seemed a bit rude, y’know? Bit weird to suddenly ask two people you’ve known for ages if they’re actually together or not.”
I smiled because that was so sweet and so Spencer. “I wouldn’t have minded, you know.”
“You say that now, but I didn’t know. You might’ve been really offended.” He laughed. “I should’ve just gotten Alex to ask since he’s got no problem doing that shit.”
I chuckled because that was true. Alex had a certain brusque forthrightness that we’d all come to love. “Is there a reason Alex never asked?”
Spencer thought for a second, then grinned. “Not sure. Guess he thought it was rude too.”