Chapter Eighteen #2
Video games were an easy way into talking about rugby too, although I still didn’t understand more than the basic rules despite Fred’s best attempts to teach me.
But it was nice to learn a little more about West’s life and his job, even if he was hesitant to talk about when he’d started playing or stuff he’d done as a teenager.
I guessed he was trying not to mention our parents at all.
“You know, you don’t have to totally avoid talking about our parents,” I said as gently as I could when West stopped himself from talking about a club he’d played for at junior level.
“I know it’s weird and awkward and not something either of us really wants to talk about, at least not today, but you don’t have to pretend you just popped out of the ground as an adult. ”
He nodded and gave me a small sad smile.
“It’s definitely weird. And awkward. I don’t really know how to feel about any of it.
For years they… they told me you’d just abandoned us, that you hated me, but I…
I don’t know. I didn’t want it to be true.
I don’t have a ton of memories of you as a kid, but the ones I do…
they’re fucking amazing. Like that time we went to the zoo for my birthday and you got me that stuffed monkey. ”
“I remember that.” It had been a painful memory for me because I’d been fourteen and I’d long since been used to not doing anything for my birthday because I was too old for parties.
The monkey had been expensive, because all the gift shop toys were, but watching West’s small face light up had been worth it.
So I had the petty satisfaction of seeing West clutching the monkey to his chest like it was made of gold for weeks to come while my parents seethed over the fact he’d preferred it to whatever expensive shit they’d bought him.
“I’ve actually still got him,” West said with a sheepish grin.
“He’s a bit threadbare now, but I didn’t want to get rid of him.
” He glanced away, pursing his lips together, and my heart ached for him.
For both of us. “I told them I was bi three years ago. I didn’t think they’d care but they said a load of shit that made me realise you probably didn’t leave because you wanted to and I just…
fuck, I’m so sorry, Theo. I’m sorry for everything.
I’m sorry I brought it up now too. I didn’t know if I should because I wasn’t sure what you knew but I just…
I didn’t want you to think I hated you.”
“I don’t hate you,” I said, my eyes prickling with tears.
Everything he’d said was painful, but I felt worse for him than myself.
I’d known for years how shitty our parents were, but it must have been a shock for him to lose them so suddenly.
It made me wish I’d been there for him in some way, that I’d been able to protect him.
I didn’t feel guilty for what my eighteen-year-old self had done because it was what he’d needed to survive, but the person I was today had been given a chance to start fresh, and maybe that chance could heal wounds I’d long pretended weren’t there.
“I’m sorry I never reached out,” I continued.
“When I left, I wanted a fresh start and it was easier to pretend none of you existed. I don’t think they’d have let me stay in touch with you anyway, to be honest. But I’m really glad you reached out.
It’s… nice to have a brother again. Lots of my friends have siblings and most of them are pretty close.
I’m not saying we have to be like that but, yeah, I’m glad we’re talking again. ”
“Me too. And maybe we could do this again sometime?”
“I’d like that. We should definitely game too!”
West nodded. “That’d be awesome. You just have to promise not to laugh at me when I totally fuck up.”
“I’d never do that. There are like, four people I’d ever laugh at, and that’s because I like antagonising them!” Alex was one of them. Austin was another, because taking the piss out of Austin was always funny. And usually it had fun consequences whenever we filmed.
“You, antagonise people? Never,” Laurie muttered sarcastically, turning the page of his book. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
“Only certain people! It’s too fun not to.”
“That’s what you do to your mates, though,” West said. “Like, are you really close to someone if you don’t take the piss outta them?”
“See! West gets it.” Laurie hummed in agreement, but it was clear he didn’t quite believe me. Then again, he knew I did it because I enjoyed the consequences of antagonising certain people, not just because we were friends.
West and I chatted for a few more minutes, easing back into something easy and friendly before we both agreed it was getting late and that we’d chat again in a couple of weeks. After we’d hung up, Laurie put down his book and opened his arms, wordlessly inviting me to crawl into his lap.
“How’re you feeling?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. I buried my head in his neck, breathing him in while I thought through the last few hours. It had been a roller coaster of emotions but I was glad I’d done it despite the fact that I was totally emotionally drained.
“Good, I think. West’s really sweet and I liked chatting to him.”
“He seems like a nice person.”
“I think so too. I can’t wait to play some games with him.” I snuggled deeper into Laurie’s arms. “Thank you for being here. I liked knowing you were here if I needed you.”
“Always, you know that.” He kissed the side of my head and I twisted in his arms so his next kiss met my lips. I moaned softly and melted into his embrace.
“Can we go to bed?” I asked. “I need you.”
Laurie smiled at me. “Whatever you need, my darling. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”
Your heart, I thought. That was all I wanted. But I couldn’t say that. Not tonight. There was too much going on in my head to process my feelings for Laurie alongside my feelings for West. Even the idea of thinking about it made me feel like my brain was inside a washing machine’s spin cycle.
Instead, I just said, “You. I want you.”