Chapter Twenty-Two #2
“They were still playing when I left,” I said. “There was a lot of swearing and keyboard smashing. I’m not sure why they enjoy playing something so stressful, but I’m glad it’s bringing them together.”
“Yeah, Alex said West is a nice guy. And his roommate too—Mason, I think?”
I nodded. “He seems nice too. He was there the first time Theo talked to West.”
Noah looked at me shrewdly. “How’re you feeling about everything with West? I know Theo said he struggled with the first email, but he seemed to be feeling a lot better about it last time he mentioned it.”
I pursed my lips, which probably said more than I wanted it to. “I… I’m happy for Theo.”
“That’s a very diplomatic answer.”
“I suppose.”
“You can be honest with me, with us,” Noah said. “Spencer and I won’t tell anyone.”
“We won’t, promise,” Spencer said, appearing in the doorway with two mugs. He handed one to me, which was pastel pink, and handed Noah the other. “Hang on, let me grab mine and we can chat. Do you want a muffin? I’m testing a new recipe.”
He disappeared before I could answer and Noah chuckled. “You’re getting a muffin. He frames it as a question, but we don’t really get a choice.”
“I mean, if you really didn’t want one, you don’t have to have one,” Spencer called. “I won’t be offended.”
Noah bit his lip and smiled, and it made me smile too.
“Muffins would be lovely, thank you,” I said.
Looking down at my mug, I realised Spencer had made me tea.
I took a sip. It was perfect, but I couldn’t remember telling Spencer how I took my tea.
Perhaps he’d made it for me so many times at Novel Tea it had become ingrained in his subconscious.
“Okay, these are apple, cinnamon, and pear,” Spencer said as he reappeared with his own mug and a plate of muffins.
They were bigger than any muffins I’d ever seen.
Little wisps of steam curled off the top of them, filling the air with the warm smell of fruit and cinnamon.
“Let me know what you think, ’cos this recipe is totally new to me. ”
“They look amazing,” Noah said, shuffling slightly in his seat to make room for his boyfriend, who slotted in beside him and then held out the plate for me to take one.
“They really do,” I said. “You’ve outdone yourself.”
“Cheers. I just hope they taste as awesome as they look,” Spencer said as Noah put a muffin on his thigh and then took the plate from him to rest it on the little bit of cushion between us. “So, what’s up? Is this about West? Or about what’s going on between you and Theo?”
I’d made the mistake of sipping my tea as he spoke, and in shock, ended up flooding my mouth with boiling liquid that scorched my tongue.
“Honey,” Noah said gently. “You’re not a subtle man.”
“Was I meant to be?” Spencer looked genuinely confused and it made me laugh, which made the whole burning mouth full of tea worse. “Oh shit, man. Are you choking? Can you swallow? Do you need a tissue?”
That just made my laughter worse, and soon I was choking, spluttering, and howling with laughter. Noah reached over and thumped my back hard, and Spencer magically produced a tea towel. I wondered if it was a baker thing to just carry them around in his pockets.
“I’m sorry,” I said, attempting to regain my composure. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“You’re fine,” Noah said, rubbing soothing, circular motions across my spine that were oddly comforting.
“Sorry,” Spencer said with a sheepish smile. “I thought you wanted to talk about it.”
“I do… I think.” I sighed and put my mug of tea on the coffee table, not trusting myself to drink any more.
“But also, maybe that’s the problem. All I do is talk to other people about my problems rather than talking to the person at the centre of them.
I know I need to talk to Theo about… well, everything, but every time I even think about bringing it up, it’s like my tongue goes numb.
Fred said it’s because I’m scared of losing him, and I think that’s true but I don’t know how to get over that.
I don’t… I don’t know how to do anything. ”
I’d tried and failed more times than I thought possible to start a conversation, but every time I’d opened my mouth the words had refused to come out. I kept spinning round and round in circles, making myself dizzier with every day that passed.
I desperately wanted to tell Theo how I felt, but my fear was a crushing weight holding me back.
The Hydra had morphed into some nebulous shadow monster, lurking sinisterly in every nook and cranny of my mind. Wherever I turned, there it was, and there was no escape. I felt its noose tightening around my neck, and when it did, I knew it would be too late. The fear would have won.
Sometimes I wondered why Theo hadn’t said anything, but I didn’t blame him. He had so much else going on with West, I doubted it had occurred to him to talk to me.
And perhaps, with his dating history, he was also holding back.
At this rate, fear would doom us both.
“Hey, it’s okay,” Noah said, sliding closer and wrapping his arms around me.
Spencer must have moved too because two seconds later I felt him on my other side and suddenly I was in the middle of an enormous snuggly sandwich.
“I get that it’s hard. You and Theo… what you’ve got, what you’ve always had, that’s special and I can understand not wanting to lose it. ”
“He’s everything to me,” I said quietly, burying my face in Noah’s shoulder. “He’s the only person I’ve ever been vulnerable with, and he’s been there since I found myself here. I’d be so lost without him, and I don’t want to put that at risk.”
“That totally makes sense,” Spencer said, giving me a bone-crushing squeeze. “I felt the same about Noah. And I guess, with West and all, it makes it harder.”
“I just don’t want him to get hurt. I’d give anything, everything I have to keep him safe. I know the more he talks to West, the more everything seems okay but fuck, I’m so scared for him.”
“What are you scared of?” Noah asked. “It’s not a trick question, I promise. But deep down, there has to be a reason you’re frightened.”
I thought for a second. Then the root of all my fears hit me like a ton of bricks. “That he’ll leave. That he’ll replace me. That… that he won’t want me anymore.”
And in that moment, all the pain I’d suppressed for years—my parents’ indifference, my grandparents’ death, my anger at the emotional abuse Theo had endured, my youthful fears that I would never be loved or understood, and my worry that the one person who understood would somehow leave me behind—came rushing out of me in a tidal wave.
And all I could do was ride it out while Noah and Spencer held me and let me sob.
I didn’t know where half the emotions came from, but it was like the monster had pounced, dredging up the things I’d tried to forget and the things I’d never let go.
Maybe that was why I didn’t have the courage to face Theo; I’d lived so much in the shadow of the past that somewhere along the line, I’d forgotten to live for the future. And even when I’d taken steps towards the life I wanted, a part of me held back, unable to leave the past behind.
I’d never be able to change what had happened, but I could still shape the future. All I had to do was try.
“You’re safe,” Noah whispered as I cried. “You’re safe, Laurie. Nobody can hurt you here.”
“We’ve got you, man,” Spencer said, stroking my hair. “Let it all out.”
“I’m sorry,” I said once the last of my tears had abated and I was suddenly very conscious of myself. “I don’t know what came over me.”
“It’s fine,” Noah said. “It sounds like you needed that.”
“I know but—”
“It’s what friends are for,” Spencer said. “You and Theo listened to me when I turned up at your place having a full-on sexuality crisis. I can be here when you’re sad.”
“I… Before Theo, I’d never had friends before,” I said quietly.
I’d never said any of this out loud before but there was no time like the present.
“Not really. And when he moved here, he decided we needed more friends. And then… he saw you all in the corner of The Sleeping Goose one night and he just… I remember he said to me, ‘They look fun. Let’s be friends with them,’ and that was it. ”
“I remember that night,” Noah said. “Theo just sat down and introduced himself. It was like we’d been adopted by a stray cat.”
“Thanks?” I chuckled, finally extracting myself from his shoulder. I was still holding my muffin in one hand, which had somehow survived without getting squashed.
“It’s a good thing,” Spencer said, beaming at me. “I like cats! Have you met Anders and Bastian’s cats? They’re so cute.”
I didn’t know if they were trying to distract me, but the conversation turned to cats and pets in general and Theo’s determination to have guinea pigs and then other random things. They stayed sitting either side of me as if they wanted to remind me I was safe.
And I couldn’t help thinking how nice it was to have friends.