FALLON
The steam in this shower is healing my hangover, but the ache I feel in my bones is never-ending, almost like an injury I keep re-aggravating.
My head is spinning, but not because of the two bottles of wine I drank last night. This morning, the spins are courtesy of Pepper, who claims to have found where Ozzy and the crew are living.
She explained it all, but I didn’t retain any of it. All I know is that we have a location and a destination.
Now, there’s nothing stopping me from hopping in the car and hunting them down.
I don’t know how long he’s been gone. Some days it feels like yesterday, and other days it feels like it’s been a lifetime since I’ve seen his face, or heard his voice.
No matter what I do, or where I go, he haunts me.
I’m reminded of the beautiful man I fell in love with whenever I look at the trees or the stars. I’m reminded of Ozzy when any minor inconvenience happens, like when I have a belly ache because he used to bring me a seltzer and lay in bed with me until I felt better.
Every time I look at my stupid finger, I see the ‘O’ tattooed on the inside, and I think about the stupid sayings we had to tell each other how we felt.
There’s a fucking heart carved into my thigh, and every single time I feel the scar, I’m transported back to the night we took a blood oath, realizing now that it didn’t mean anything at all.
Nothing I did with Ozzy was real, it was all a fantasy, one that came to a screeching halt once I learned how easy it was for him to leave me behind.
I’m angry, and I’ve been angry since the morning I woke up in an empty bed, left with nothing but a note and a necklace.
That necklace still hangs around my neck, paired with the Athena one, as a reminder that he broke me first.
As pissed off as I am, I need to find him. I need to know why, and understand how it could be so easy for him to walk away like we didn’t mean something, fucking everything , to each other.
He meant absolutely-fucking-everything to me, and since he left, I haven’t been able to breathe.
I step out of the shower, wrapping a towel around myself, but when I open the door, two sets of eyes are staring right back at me.
“Fallon, don’t tell me you’re going with that bimbo. You need to heal, not chase the guy who dumped you across the country,” Rae tells me, cutting straight to the point.
“You’re better off, and deep down you know that,” Mick adds, and I fight the urge to laugh in their faces.
Just because I crash-landed on their doorstep, attempting to get in with what I thought was my key, doesn’t mean I want their advice. I’m only here because, well, I didn’t have anywhere else to go. The dealership was strangling me, and I couldn't stay in hotels anymore; I kept getting lost, hence how I ended up back in this apartment.
“Yes, I’m going with Pepper. I’ll be fine, guys. I appreciate you letting me crash, and dealing with my moods, but I am a big girl who can make my own choices,” I say, standing my ground.
Their lack of faith in me is what led to our friendship breaking up in the first place, and I don’t feel like jumping back in for round two.
“You’re fucking delusional. He left you! You haven’t been the same since, and I refuse to let you come crawling back when shit doesn’t work out again!” Mick yells, and I walk away from her, slamming the door behind me.
I gather all my shit around the room, shoving it into the only bag I came here with, and quickly throw on a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt.
It’s barely been five minutes since I got out of the shower, but I can’t stand to be here anymore, and Pepper is waiting downstairs.
“Fal, please reconsider this,” Rae begs, and I give her a quick hug, thanking her again.
“You’re too good to me, Raelynn. I love you,” I whisper in her ear, releasing her before I get emotional.
I race down the stairs, but when I see what Pepper’s driving, I nearly fall flat on my face.
It’s Ozzy’s truck, and it’s like the wind has been stolen from my lungs.
The memories crash into me again, times I could never forget happened in that truck, and not seeing him holding the wheel, smiling at me with the windows down, fucking hurts .
I stiffen my shoulders, knowing I can face this, and climb into the passenger seat.
It feels strange, being in this spot because I’d always sit as close to him as possible whenever he drove. It was another one of our special, intimate quirks, but like the rest of them, it meant fucking nothing.
There’s a glittery disco ball dangling from the rearview mirror, and I look over at Pepper, who has a permanent grin on her face. This girl could literally drown me in her happiness, none of what happened to us seeming to affect her in the slightest.
“What the fuck is that?”
“An air freshener! It smelled like boy in here,” she smiles cheerfully, hitting the gas with a little too much force.
We’re actually going over the speed limit, and I didn’t know Pepper was a put-the-pedal-to-the-metal kinda girl.
“Why are you driving this, Pep?” I ask, slipping my sunglasses over my eyes — the sun is way too bright for my mood.
“I’ve been driving it since the boys left, Fal. You know that,” she tells me, but my long-term memory hasn’t been the greatest lately.
Once the afternoon hits, it’s the perfect time for a drink, and then, it’s happy hour, which of course means more drinks. By the time midnight rolls around, I’m barely capable of walking, but I’m numb .
Blacking out is the purest form of forget-your-ex, and it’s a place where the pain can’t reach me. It comes with regret, hangovers, and wishing you were dead sometimes, but it’s all a part of the package.
“Pepper, I can’t,” I say as she pulls into the dealership.
“Get the rest of your shit and find me in the War Room. We have to go over the plan,” she tells me, slamming the truck door so I can’t argue any further.
Reluctantly, I drag my ass off the bench, landing on the pavement and following the path Pepper took.
As soon as I step inside, the memories hit me like a semi-truck, and what was once a lively place, filled with love and family, is empty, silent, and trashed.
There are empty bottles of liquor scattered across the living room, and bits of broken glass leading toward the couch. I think I’m the one responsible for the disaster, but I can’t pinpoint why or when it happened.
My eyes dart to a closed door, the absolute worst room in this place, and I know I have to go inside to get my things, but I’m frozen.
Luckily, I stashed a few minis in my purse, and this is nothing a shot of vodka can’t fix. I dig around until I feel the plastic bottle, smiling at the watermelon-flavored cure in my hands.
As the liquor burns down my throat, I feel better already. I slowly tread across the floor until my hand falls on the doorknob, but when I open the door, my jaw hits the floor.
It looks like a hurricane hit this place.
I step on shattered glass, the crunching beneath my feet launching a series of memories at me like a bad case of a broken record. The sounds just keep playing over and over until someone physically has to stop it.
* * *
There’s nothing worse than losing something you desperately need, and I’ve been searching this place for my Athena necklace for the last two days.
Without it, I don’t feel connected to Ozzy. There are nearly a million reminders in here that can serve the same purpose, but without my necklace dangling next to his, I don’t have hope that he’s coming back.
The last time I remember wearing it was when I woke up in Oliver’s bed with Cami, but we turned that room inside out and it’s not in there.
I don’t know how long it’s been since the guys left us here all alone, but then again, I barely remember anything as I spend my days numbing the pain, yelling at the sky, and silently begging him to just fucking come back home.
It never works, and he never does, but if I don’t find my necklace, it’s over for good.
I stare at the pictures I hung on the walls, a collage of smiling photos looking back at me, but that happiness in my eyes is long gone.
These mean absolutely nothing now, just like so many other things, but I can’t bring myself to pack them neatly in a box, marking them out with a Sharpie to let them collect dust.
It doesn’t feel like a fitting end to our story.
Ozzy came through my life like a wrecking ball, entering and exiting dramatically, and it’s only right if we go out the same way we came in.
I stand on my tiptoes, reaching for the picture of us in Jacksonville on the beach, both of us were a little sunburnt, but his lips connected to my cheek just in time for the photo, and it’s one of my favorites.
I hold it in my hands, the frame feeling heavy, but when I spin on my heel and launch it at the wall, I feel lighter.
Next, I take one of us snuggled on the couch, and smash it at my feet.
The tears stream down my cheeks, but I don’t care, I can’t stop.
Instead of feeling nothing, I’m feeling everything at once, and I can’t keep myself from tearing through the bedroom we used to share like a hellbent tornado.
I destroy every picture frame that hangs on the walls, the satisfying sound of glass breaking echoing throughout this goddamn car dealership.
The side tables are my next victim, I lift and drop them one by one, watching as they land in the glass until the wood starts to fall apart.
I drop to my knees, landing in splinters and shards, but I hold my head in my hands, the sobs tearing through me and draining the life out of my still-breathing body.
I reach for the bottle of wine I left by the door, chugging out of the bottle until it’s gone. I have no idea how long I sit here, but when Cami and Pepper come back, they rush to my side, attempting to help me up.
“Leave me here. Just fucking leave me here; it’s what he did.”
I cry until the tears stop, the emotion pouring out of me like a floodgate that’s been keeping the water at bay for so long, and finally bursts.
“You’re bleeding, Fal. Let me take care of you,” Cami whispers, pulling me in her lap.
I cling to her as if my life depends on it, but ever since Ozzy left, I don’t feel a connection to her anymore.
I know she loves me, and there’s a part of me that loves her too, but it’s buried so deep under the wreckage in my mind, that it can’t find a way back to my heart.
“He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone,” I repeat, over and over, my voice raspy and only coming out in a whisper.
I look down, and in the midst of my rage, I find my necklace.
It’s buried underneath glass, but I remember now.
I took it off and hung it over one of the pictures one night, the strength of Athena not helping anymore. I was so upset that I took it off willingly for the first time and snuck into Cami’s room for comfort.
I ball it into my hand, holding onto the chain for dear life before I lose it again.
“I know, baby. This pain won’t last forever, I promise.” She kisses my cheek, and helps me to my feet.
The stinging sensation coming from my arm is agonizing, but I don’t pay any mind to the blood or the gash, I can only focus on the destruction I left on the floor of what used to be a sacred space.
“Pepper, help me, she can’t walk,” Cami says, and I feel another set of arms pulling me in.
“You guys take such good care of me,” I whisper, watching as they remove a shard of glass from my forearm.
“Fal, this is really deep. We should take you to the hospital,” Pepper says, but I shrug her off.
“No. No hospital,” I beg, but as I reach for the liquor bottle on the table, I finally see the extent of my injury.
It’s maybe four inches long, but there’s no end in sight when it comes to the inside of my flesh. The blood keeps coming, and we can’t stop it no matter how many towels we use to apply pressure.
“Fal, we have to take the truck and get you stitched up,” Pepper begs, but I refuse to get in.
“I haven’t been in here since I was kidnapped, I can’t,” I cry, but my choices aren’t my own anymore, and the girls launch me onto the bench.
“I got you, Fal. Just look at me,” Cami says, lacing her fingers into mine.
She holds me the whole ride and walks me inside, assuring that I get the help I need.
The nurse questions me, but I weave her a tale of a man who broke a woman’s heart, and this injury is the result of her anger boiling to the surface. Finally, she stops worrying that someone hurt me.
I did this to myself.
“Fallon, you’re going to be okay, we’ll get you stitched up good. With the glass, and your lack of a tetanus shot, I’d like to run a few labs before we do so, if that’s okay?” The nurse asks, and I consent, not caring as long as they give me something to numb it all.
They take blood from my good arm, leaving the other one wrapped loosely with gauze, and I’m numb through it all once the pain reliever they give starts running through the IV.
It’s hours before anyone comes back, and I send Cami and Pepper home, promising to call them once I’m all set. The lights here hurt my eyes, and I want to sleep without someone watching me like I’ll fall apart if I’m left alone.
“Fallon?” The nurse taps on the door, and I invite her in, ready to get this over with.
“We ran your tests, and there’s nothing toxic in the glass, so we can stitch that up good once we remove the shards. There’s something else, though,” she says, and my heart races, thinking the absolute worst.
“What is it? No need for the dramatics,” I say, but she insists we wait for a doctor.
“It’s policy, Fallon. Please, tell me what I can do to make you comfortable,” she pleads, and I lay back down, asking for another blanket.
It’s freezing in this room, just like in that empty warehouse, and I cannot bear to be cold anymore.
I’m searching for the safety I need to sleep, but my body is on high alert, knowing I’m in a public place.
The curtain slides, and I sit up instantly, ready for someone to tell me what the hell is going on.
“Ms. Mariano, I’m Doctor Murray, can we talk for a few minutes?” She asks, and I nod slowly, looking around the room. “It’s just us, Fallon.”
She’s older, the wrinkles and grey hairs giving it away, but she’s not mean or judgmental like I anticipated.
We talk for a long time, and she holds my hand while I cry, listening to my story, and relaying the options, but there’s only one that makes sense.
It’s my choice, and without him, there’s nothing anyway.
It’s just us in this room, and I choose to let her terminate the pregnancy that’s growing inside of me. It’s only weeks along, and without Ozzy, there’s no way I can raise a child by myself.
Before the Doc can give me the necessary procedure to end this, I have to endure some of the most tortuous moments of my life – all alone.
First, they make me listen to the heartbeat of our child, and I almost change my mind when they print out a photo of the ultrasound, but as I trace the small features of my baby in the photo, I realize that there’s nothing I can do to give this child the life they deserve.
“Is there anyone you want with you during this?” The doctor asks, but I choose to do it alone.
This is my burden, and even though I’m always careful with birth control, somehow this slipped through the cracks.
One day, I’d love to be a mother, but not at twenty-one, and not without the father present.
Still, that doesn’t stop the tears that fall as the doctor begins the procedure.
It’s another thing to mourn, but as much as it’s killing me, I know that I’m making the right decision.
I can’t help the thoughts that sneak in, ideas of motherhood and what this baby could grow up to be, but one day isn’t today, and these aren’t the right circumstances to bring a child into this cruel world.
A nurse brings me paperwork to sign and take home instructions for afterward. The light cramping is already beginning, and I’m given hospital maxi pads for the bleeding that’s sure to follow.
I came in for a cut on my arm, needing a few stitches to get right, and I’m leaving with a piece of me missing, with only a photograph to remember it by.
For just a short time, there were parts of both me and Ozzy growing, forming into a tiny human inside me, and I just ended that little life.
I should be more upset, but I’m angry .
I’m so angry that it had to come to this, and that I’m being punished by the universe in the cruelest way. Another reminder that Ozzy is gone, and I’m alone.
I slip the ultrasound picture into my bag, choosing not to tell Pepper and Cami because this feels like something that I should hold onto. Something that’s just mine and his, even if he isn’t here to know.
This overwhelming feeling of loss is creating a dark cloud that follows me everywhere I go, and finally, I decide to let it take over, granting it a space in my soul.
If the darkness wants me so badly, it can have me.
After killing my child, there’s nothing left that could bring me down any further, so I welcome and embrace it with open arms.
* * *
I trace the scar on my arm, remembering the seven stitches I needed to put me back together, and it serves as a reminder of what else I lost that night.
Whenever I think of the baby, I smile now, knowing he’s safe somewhere beyond this universe.
In a different one, he’s thriving, and it brings me comfort to think that somewhere out there, pieces of me and Ozzy merged, creating something so beautiful.
My angel baby lives in a place I can’t see, but I can feel him in everything I do, even though I’m the one who chose not to bring him into the same universe, to touch him, or hear him breathe.
I’ve made peace with that decision.
For a few weeks, I was a mother, and although I’m not going to physically hold that baby, he lives inside my heart, earning a special place that nobody else could ever understand or take away from us.
Looking around at the destruction, I realize there’s nothing left but memories for me here, and I don’t want to take anything else with me – I have all I need.
I wander through the dealership, echoes of laughter and love following every turn I take, but I push it all out of my mind, freezing at yet another room that holds power over me.
I haven’t stepped foot into the War Room since I was viciously ripped out of it, dragged by two men who had less than good intentions with me, and if you look close enough, you can still see a small indent on the doorframe where I hurt myself fighting them off.
Instead of being afraid, I forge on, walking inside and looking around in awe at what Pepper has done to the place.
On the desk, there’s a laptop and notebooks, and everything is surrounded by pink .
Pepper has completely taken over this room, and added her personal touches. A few stuffed animals lean against the wall, and her headphones and tablet are charging on a stand, while her reusable water bottles litter the space, and I’m not kidding, every item is a shade of bubblegum pink.
She’s hung a whiteboard, completely covered in pink marker, and next to it, is a large map, with circles, stars, and notes all in pink ink.
It looks like a paint bubble popped in here, coating everything in soft shades of a color that completely represents Pepper’s peppy personality.
I take a closer look at the map, and it seems Pepper has discovered a pattern, drawing lines and marks all along the routes of a highway in Alabama. It connects through Georgia and Tennessee, too.
The stars seem to be places, like hotels maybe, and I’ve got an eerie feeling that Miss Pepper has been hiding a lot from me; first and foremost, how fucking smart she is.
“Pep, what is this?” I ask, unable to think of anything else to say in my amazed state.
“Okay, I know it’s a lot. Let me explain. Over here.” She points, leading me to another poster board with names scribbled down, as well as dates, times, and locations. “Is how I’ve been tracking the guy's new identities. They rarely use their credit cards, but the few times they have, I’ve noted it. For a while, I thought they changed names, but it’s part of the pattern. They stop using cards about a week before they change locations, and they don’t use them again for two weeks. I assume it’s to get settled in, and of course, they never use them to book the rooms at the motels.”
My mind is fucking spinning, like I’m on a plethora of drugs, and my wildest dreams have brought me to a place where Pepper is a tech mastermind.
“Pepper, what the absolute fuck are you talking about? How do you know any of this?”
“Alexander showed me. He taught me how to use his software, and when we got home from Jacksonville, he let me see all of the passports and false IDs they brought back. So, instead of being sad, or missing him, I’ve been doing what he taught me. Once I got the hang of it, it was pretty easy, I’ve just been a few steps behind them. This time, not only do I know where they are, I know where they’ll be next.” She smiles, and I drop my head in my hands, taking a seat on the couch.
What world am I living in, and where have I been for the last few months, not knowing she’s been working on this?
I have my own side project, a smaller poster board with details about Mr. A., but nothing to the extent that Pepper has gone to.
“Okay, okay, so what next?” I ask, keeping my focus on what’s ahead.
“We’re going to Alabama, baby!”
“And what are we going to do once we get there? Demand that they love us and take us back? They fucking left us, Pepper, in the middle of the night without a word since. We’re fucking pathetic if we follow them across the damn country,” I say bluntly, but she shakes her head.
“No, Fal, you don’t understand. Alexander told me they were leaving, but didn’t know where they were going. He told me to find him, and I have. He’s a goofball, a geeky little guy, but I love him, and he deserves to know what it is I have to tell him.”
“Jesus, Pepper. What, are you pregnant?” I ask, and her smile radiates off the walls, nearly choking me with the happiness on her face.
“No, Alexander needs to know that I found my birth parents with his help and teachings. I can’t meet them without him and his support, so we’re going to them,” she tells me, and my heart breaks a little more, knowing she’s been waiting to tell him this for who knows how long.
“Alright, Pep. I guess we’re going on a road trip. Ozzy’s truck will never make it that far, though,” I warn, but she’s got it covered.
“I charged a rental car to Alexander’s credit card. We’re picking it up in an hour,” she laughs, slowly removing all her findings from the wall.
There’s one poster she didn’t show me, and I watch as she carefully wraps it up. It has to be the one where she’s been tracking down her parents, and I’m afraid to ask how she’s doing with it after everything that’s already been revealed.
“And Cami? Did you clue her in?”
Speaking of Camila, I haven’t seen her in a few days, and I think I’m to blame for that, too.
The last thing I remember is yelling at her, and now that I think of it, a pang of sadness runs through me.
“I wasn’t sure if I should, considering how you two left things. She’s staying at a rental house across town, courtesy of Oliver’s credit card of course, and I was hoping we could pick her up, if you’re okay with that.”
“Of course, she deserves to see Oliver. I’m not upset with her,” I say, hoping Pepper can give me insight into what happened, without asking directly.
“Well, I’d hope not. You broke her, Fal. You’re kind of a cunt when you’re drunk. I mean that in the most loving, best friend-who-cares kind of way. But yeah, you’re a cunt,” she says sternly, yet laughing it off in true Pepper fashion.
I’m convinced not many people could tolerate a girl like her, but she tickles my brain in all the right ways, even if I’m convinced she’s a borderline lunatic at times. Her heart is bigger than anyone I’ve ever met, and I love my spice girl to the moon and back.
“I’m not going to lie, I don’t remember anything. Cliff notes? Please?” I ask, and Pepper shakes her head, but reluctantly agrees, with conditions.
“No drinking, and you apologize. I don’t care if you meant what you said or not, but Cami fucking loves you, and what you said to her was uncalled for. We love you, Fal, and know you took this harder than we did, but it doesn’t excuse your behavior. That’s what real friends are for, okay?”
“Yes, ma’am,” I say softly, a little afraid of this side of her that I’m seeing for the first time.
“Good. Now get your shit, we’re going on a girls road trip!” She exclaims, running around the War Room like she’s on fire.
I watch as she pulls a bottle of pills from one of the drawers and stuffs it in her purse, but my alarm bells start ringing, knowing whatever it is, might be something she shouldn’t have.
“Help me, Fallon. We need to take this painting down!” she calls, and I lend a hand, surprised at what I see.
There’s a hole in the wall, maybe a foot or so deep, and there’s fake fucking cash stacked to the top. Pepper takes two stacks, dropping them in her bag, and I can’t believe how much she knows.
I always thought Pepper was kept in the dark, never clued into what was happening, but it turns out, she knew much more than I did and used her knowledge to run in circles around me.
All Hail, Pepper.
I follow her lead, knowing she’s got the info, means, and motive to get us to where we want to go. I have no fucking idea what I’ll say to Ozzy once we get there, but after three very long, excruciating months, I’ll be the first to say, all I want is his arms around me.
Even if only for a few seconds before I rip him a new ass, and tell him how badly he destroyed me, but I seriously miss his embrace, and how safe I felt with him.
No matter what happens, I do have something to tell him, and after I get my closure, I fully plan to walk away and make a new life for myself, mirroring how he chose to handle our relationship.
Except this time, I’ll have the fucking balls to tell him to his face that it’s over – something he never had the courage to do.