FALLON
The events of the day have completely beaten me down, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. In a matter of hours, I’ve given Ozzy the chance to prove himself to me, shared my past with the crew, and had it out with Cami.
Everything feels like it’s crashing down, burying me in the rubble without so much as a breathing tube. I’m choking on my own choices, the stoic, false confidence fading and leaving me with doubts about my actions.
The plan seems simple enough, leaving after dark and driving through the night, but I can’t bear to blink for longer than a second, terrified that when I open my eyes Ozzy will leave without me, again.
We’re lying on the hotel bed together, staring at the ceiling, letting the silence take control because I can’t find anything within myself to say. I’m vulnerable, insecure, and utterly afraid of what happens once the sun goes down and the darkness cloaks over us.
“Fallon, I’m not leaving you behind. I know that’s hard to believe, but the fear is radiating off you. Look at me,” he says, taking my hand into his.
I turn slightly, facing him, but I can’t find the courage to open my eyes. I’m not ready to see the truth in his irises – if it’s the truth I believe – or the lies he’s scarred me with in the past.
“Bambi.”
One word cuts through me, ripping through my skin, into my bones, and I’m forced to open my eyes into his, that sparkle meeting mine the second my blurred vision comes into focus.
“I’m so fucking scared to trust your words, to believe you,” I whisper, blinking away the tears threatening to fall.
“I promise you, Fallon, tonight you and I will be in the backseat of that van, riding off to New Jersey together. I just got you back, tasted you for the first time in months, and there’s no fucking way I’m letting you go.”
“You’ve let me go once before, it just gets easier every time, Ozzy.” I turn away, unable to look at him any longer, the anxiety eating me alive and ruining the boss-bitch attitude that I perfected while I was alone in the shower.
I’m much too soft to act so tough all the time, and right now, I’m a puddle of emotions, fears, and leftover deception that won’t fucking put itself to rest. It’s as if Ozzy took out all my teeth when he left, and now, I’m trying to scare some sense into people who won’t even think twice about being afraid of me.
On the other hand, Ozzy is here .
He’s in bed with me, promising to fulfill anything I ask of him, but I can’t let go of what happened last time we were in this same position.
I should be happy, should be mending my relationship, but I just can’t bring myself over this hump. There’s always tomorrow – if we get one of those.
“You’re not getting away from me that easily. What can I do to ease your mind, put your worries to rest?” He asks, and I mull it over, a devious solution coming to mind.
“You trust me?” I jump off the bed, digging in my bag until I find what I’m looking for, barely waiting for him to answer my question.
“With my life, Bambi.”
I came here with a backup plan if Ozzy was resistant to hearing me out, and luckily, I thought ahead.
Finally, I find what I’m searching for, and I let the metal clank together as I walk toward him, spinning the toy around my finger with a mischievous smile painted on my face.
The boss is back, and I feel her coursing through my veins, ready to conquer any problem I’m faced with.
A man who can’t be trusted to stay? No sweat.
“Fallon, I’m all for letting you take control, but is now the best time for one of us to be tying the other down?” He asks, and I lick my bottom lip, unable to hide my excitement.
“Give me your left wrist, please,” I say, and he obliges, a hint of worry in his eyes.
I wrap the cuff around his skin, feeling the metal fall into the grooves with light clicks.
I fasten the other one to my right wrist, tightening it just enough to pinch my flesh, and I feel a flutter in my belly, the mere idea of this lighting a fire in me that I haven’t felt in months.
“Did you just … handcuff yourself to me, Bambi?” He asks, and I laugh, realizing how silly it is.
“Sure did, baby. Now, there’s no shot of you leaving without me.”
“And if one of us needs to go to the bathroom?”
“Release may be discussed in an enclosed environment,” I say, fighting back the urge to fall over in a total fit of uncontrolled laughter.
This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, but my anxiety is gone, and I feel powerful, playful, and in charge again.
“Alright, I’ll play along, only because of that smile on your face, my beautiful girl . I’ve missed it so fucking much.” He bites his lower lip, pulling me onto his lap, and I relish in my newfound power, when moments ago, I was ready to go down with the ship.
Awkwardly, we work out our new predicament and find a way to interlock our fingers together.
“You know what I missed the most about you?” I tease, seeing if he’ll play along, but he smirks, shaking his head. “No. Not that, get your mind out of the gutter, Jesus. Doing this .”
I run my free hand through his hair, dragging my fingers through his luscious curls. In the midst of my power trip, I listen intently as sultry groans leave his chest, driving me wild while he tips his head back, my nails digging into his scalp, and I watch as he exhales, his body shaking below mine.
I’m driving him insane, and I can feel it.
“You’re trying to kill me, aren’t you?” He asks, and I scrunch my nose, using everything inside me to hold back from him.
“I missed this lion’s mane, baby. What’s so wrong with that?”
“Absolutely fucking nothing. Do with me as you please,” he moans, his voice coming out breathy and desperate.
Exactly where I want him.
“Are you sure you’re going to be alright, going back there? Jesus, Fallon, I didn’t even know you were from New Jersey, that’s how little you’ve opened up about your life before me. I know, you’re not fragile, but I am worried,” he says, tipping his head forward until our eyes meet again.
“I’m nervous, yes, but getting anything on Mr. A. is more important than facing my stepfather again. I have no question that he’ll help us, whether that be willingly or not,” I explain, and he nods, seemingly understanding where I’m coming from.
In the haze of the drive down here, I remembered my step dad, and at first, I was angry at his intrusion in my thoughts, but then, I realized that his pathetic hobby could be useful, and may help us narrow down who has been out for our blood all this time.
“What about Cami?”
“What the fuck about her? Obviously, you saw what we’re feeling toward each other. If she wants to leave this family, then let her go. It’s not my fucking job to herd the cattle, not anymore. Besides, I’m sure she’s bluffing.” I roll my eyes, pulling myself off Ozzy’s lap and reaching for that coveted bottle of vodka.
I’ve been sober all day, and if what we’re facing is anything like I’ve dealt with in the last three months, I’m going to need this drink, and many more on the horizon.
There’s a knock at our door, and Ozzy looks at me for approval, but I shrug my shoulders, not caring who’s there.
We walk together, without much of a choice, and realize it’s Oliver at the door. Ozzy swings it open, letting him in, and his eyes dart between the two of us, a strange grin on his face.
“I don’t even want to know.” He holds his hands up, brushing past us while he laughs and shakes his head.
“I’m just making sure this renegade can’t get away from me again. What’s up, Olly?”
“I wanted to ask you a favor, Fal. Cami and I have been talking for a while, and I’m not happy with how she treated you and me both, but … would you be against her taking the ride to Jersey with us? She wants to buy a plane ticket back to Jacksonville, leaving from Newark,” he explains, and my heart breaks for him, knowing how much he loves her.
“No need for my permission, Olly. If you’re okay with it, so am I. Regardless of what happened between us, you deserve to see her off,” I tell him, and his eyes soften, attempting to hide his true emotions.
“Thanks, Fal. I’ll let her know,” he says softly, his shoulders slumped as he reaches for the door handle.
“Are you alright?” Ozzy asks, and Oliver spins around, instantly taking a seat in one of the chairs at the table.
“No! I’m fucking pissed! No offense, Fallon, because it’s not your fault at all, but how fucking dare she? She came home with us, inserted herself into our lives, just to leave me because she fell in love with someone else. I meant nothing to her from the second she saw what she really wanted, and she used me. For a long fucking time. It’s … heartbreaking,” he confesses, those last words coming out in a stagger, and I’m brought to tears.
“I am so sorry, Oliver. I never, ever, meant for our … connection to become more important than your relationship.”
“Like I said, Fal, it’s not your fault. You’re in a relationship, and you fucking handcuffed yourself to your man to keep him from breathing without you. It’s not you or me, it’s her ,” he says, and I nod, not giving him any more of my pity.
“Vodka?”
“Fucking mind reader,” he laughs, taking the bottle from me and swigging out of the glass, passing it to Ozzy.
“I think of all the things we were deprived of these last few months, this is one of the things I missed the most,” he says, looking between Oliver and I.
“What do you mean, baby?”
“You two are my favorite people in this world, and you both share that same sentiment with me. The three of us …”
“We’re the three best friends anyone could have,” I interrupt, and Oliver bursts out laughing, unable to control himself.
“ And we’ll never ever ever ever leave each other ,” he concludes, and Ozzy joins in, laughing along with us too.
“You’ll be okay, Olly,” I say, swiping a few tears that escaped.
“Fuck it, I’m a bachelor again. Look out, New Jersey,” he laughs, rubbing his hands together like an evil genius.
“Uh-huh, we’ll see about that, cowboy,” Ozzy teases, dragging me along as he reaches for the vodka bottle.
“Lex ordered dinner, should be here by now if you two want to come upstairs,” Oliver says, standing toward the door.
“Up to you,” I say, holding our wrists up, and Ozzy nods bringing us both to our feet.
“Thanks for the … this, guys,” Oliver smiles, leading us all up to the second floor of the motel.
Ozzy and I exchange a glance, a small smile between the two of us, and something about the conversation we all just had shoots hope through me. It feels like there’s truly a possibility that we can all move forward, and begin a healing process that may not have been within reach if we weren’t together again.
I missed everyone, but Ozzy and Oliver are my lifelines. Having them two beside me isn’t comparable to anything that money can buy, and is irreplaceable.
When we reach Lex’s room, bodies are sprawled out everywhere, using whatever surface available as a table, and I can’t help the smile spreading across my face – our little family is back together again.
Ozzy and I grab a spot on the floor, sitting against the wall with our knees propped to our chests, and our wrists stuck together.
“What’s happening right now?” Lex asks, glancing at the handcuffs we’re sporting.
“Keeping him close by,” I smile, patting his chest with my free hand.
“And when do you plan on taking those off?” Max chuckles, which causes everyone to follow with their own roars of laughter.
“Well, I’ll take mine off once we’re settled on the road, but Ozzy … I haven’t decided when I’m letting him off the hook just yet,” I joke, planting a gentle kiss on his cheek, which sends everyone into a spiral.
“None of you should be surprised, it’s Fallon,” Oliver chimes in, offering me a small wink.
I let my body relax, taking in everyone after we’ve been apart for so long.
Everyone looks the same, but there’s subtle differences in everybody, ones that you’d only notice after a long period of separation and subsequent reunion. For example, Ozzy’s let his beard grow out, and Oliver’s looking more grown up, rather than the baby face and barely-legal act he usually puts on. I’m trying not to stare, but it feels right to be back here, small traditions continuing as if no time has passed.
It wouldn’t be us if we didn’t have a shit ton of pizza, and that’s exactly what Lex ordered. Everyone piles slices on their plates, and Ozzy and I work through the awkwardness, him feeding me my slice being one of the better ideas we’ve had.
“Um, after New Jersey, would you guys mind if we take a detour?” Pepper asks, addressing the group in her usual soft, calm demeanor.
Nothing like how I stormed through here earlier, and I love how opposite our personalities are when we’re handling people.
“Where to?” Journey asks, his eyes shifting from Pepper to me, and I can’t read his expression.
He seemed tense since this morning, but I chalked it up to stress, or the ambush we started by barging back into their lives.
“Maryland. It’s where my birth mother lives. Well, her last updated address. I’m ready to face where I came from, and it’s not too far,” she says, and I immediately nod, knowing how important this is to her.
“I don’t think anyone could object to that, Pepper,” Ozzy finishes, glancing at everyone as they seemingly agree with him.
“What else do you know about them?” Cami questions, finally speaking up from the back corner of the room.
She looks despondent, like she’ll miss this, and I know the feeling. This isn’t her place anymore, though, and we both know it. After everything we’ve all been through, we’re desperate for a fresh start, and our lives back. That applies to Cami, too, but this family isn’t included in those things that she needs personally.
I’m mad at her, but I’m going to miss her and what we had.
She notices me staring, and she smiles softly, like she’s reading my mind. I think we’ve finally reached an understanding, one where we’re both on the same page for the first time in a while.
“Not much. My birth mother was young when she had me, and I wasn’t able to find any other relatives. I’m hoping to get some of those answers, but I’m also scared to just … show up.”
“We’ll get you those answers, Pepperoni. She’ll be lucky that you’ve come to her after all these years. You have nothing to be afraid of,” Lex tells her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
I can relate to Pepper, now more than ever, as I’m staring down memory lane myself, preparing to walk back into a place I never thought I’d see again.
Nothing is resolved between my stepfather and me, and I already have memories flooding back to me, ones I thought I’d successfully blocked out long ago.
I know this is only the beginning, that my trauma is going to be ripped open, but I’m stronger than what I’ve survived, and I’ve been through worse.
It’s funny because when I was held captive, that’s what I told myself to get by, referring to my sexual abuse — I’ve survived worse.
Now that I’m going back there, that statement is still true. I’m alive after being kidnapped, I’m here with Ozzy, and I’m haunted by the choice I made to not have a baby. I’ve survived worse than my stepfather, and it’s more than time that I confronted him for what he did to me.
“Hey, where’d you go?” Ozzy whispers, poking me in the ticklish spot under my ribs.
I giggle, pushing his hand off me, but it’s no use, even when he’s handicapped by my cuffs, he overpowers me.
“Alright, I surrender. I’m fine, I was just thinking about what’s to come,” I say, brushing the hair out of my face.
All eyes are on us, everyone probably wondering what is happening, if we’re getting back to normal, but I offer nothing, pretending the interruption of their conversation never happened.
“We leave in thirty minutes. Does that work for everyone?” Max asks, standing to throw away his plate, and heading for the door.
Of course, he’s driving, meaning we’re all on his schedule, and he’s ready to hit the road.
We all agree, the dinner party breaking up as everyone rushes to gather the last of their things and clear out of the rooms.
“Come on, Bambi. Let’s make sure we’ve got everything,” Ozzy says, bringing us both to a standing position.
His fingers weave through mine, and he brings my hand to his lips, gently kissing my knuckles as we take the stairs.
“You and me. That’s all that matters,” he whispers against my skin, and I sigh, feeling like I’m the one who’s being driven crazy now.
His breathy words send heat shooting through me, and I’m finding it more and more difficult to resist Ozzy the longer we spend handcuffed together.
It was easy, asking him to kiss me, but moving further than that is terrifying because once I do, he’ll be back in my veins, like a drug I’m supposed to be clean and sober from.
I’ve been reminding him of what he lost, his lack of control over me, but I’m fading fast. The kiss was the first sign of a broken wall, but my god, it was perfect.
I was transported back to a place where everything felt right between us, there was no pain, absence, or confessions, and it was bliss.
We’re real, that much I know, but beyond that, I’ve decided to take it one step at a time. One day after the next.
I’m lost in my mind again, being dragged around the room while Ozzy checks for anything that would have slipped through the cracks. I’ve only been here a day, and my bag is intact. The ultrasound photo is tucked away, safely in the back pocket of my jeans, and there’s nothing left here in Alabama for me.
Everything important is straight ahead, piling into a van and barreling up north.
“Alright, Bambi, we’re on the road, care to release us now?” Ozzy asks, and I can’t believe how patient he’s been.
I thought he’d put up with this ridiculous game for maybe an hour or two, but he’s been a good sport all day, so I'll let him free.
“Fine, as if being cuffed to me is the worst thing in the world.” I roll my eyes, digging in my bag for the key.
“It was the best day of my life, but my wrist is raw from the metal,” he groans, attempting to rub his skin.
“Now you know what it's like, don’t you?”
I’m teasing him, but only because I can’t find the fucking key to unlock us. It was here, right inside the zippered pocket, but now, I’m forced to dump my bag and search for it.
“Where’s the key, Fallon?” Ozzy asks, a level of concern in his voice as he notices how I’m ravaging through clothes and dropping random shit on the floor.
“It’s here somewhere. I hope,” I say softly, and he freezes, sitting up to watch my movements.
“Did you lose the key? Oh, that’s fucking classic!” Oliver laughs from the middle row, and I take a quick second to flip him my middle finger.
“Sorry, baby. Next time we stop I’ll look, maybe it fell on the floor,” I offer, and Ozzy can only smile, shaking his head at me.
“Likely story.” He smiles through the darkness, adjusting our arms so I can lean on his shoulder.
We settle in, snuggling as best we can in our predicament, and for the first time in a long time, I feel safe. In this van, surrounded by my favorite people, I feel untouchable.
How long it lasts has yet to be determined, but I have a feeling my uneasiness will begin the second my ass crosses the New Jersey state line.
Familiarity will creep in, and I’ll be ripped from this peaceful state of mind, so I silently vow to keep a firm grasp on it as long as I can.
As we drive, the quiet allows me to think back on my motives, the multitude of reasons leading me here. I’m leaving with only one objective, and nothing on my mind except for revenge .
* * *
When the day breaks, Max calls it quits, stopping at a hotel somewhere in Virginia. We lug ourselves out of the van, everyone stretching and running to the bathroom. We tackled eight of the fifteen hours on this drive, and my body is begging to be set free from the confines of a car seat.
Surprisingly, we only stopped twice, a huge contrast from all the stops Pepper and Cami made on our road trip. Max commanded the road, making great time, and delivering us all safely for a layover day.
After the first stop, Lex graciously used his lock-picking skills to free Ozzy and me from the handcuffs. Once the key was missing, being stuck to him became miserable because I was no longer the one in control. The game got frustrating, fast.
“We’re going to crash. Don’t stray too far. Ozzy, when do you want to have our meeting?” Max asks, and Ozzy looks at me.
“It’s up to her.”
I didn’t expect to be fully in charge, like scheduling meetings and having everyone work around what I say, and I’m a bit surprised.
“I mean, why don’t you and J catch a few hours then we’ll reconvene after that?”
“Alright, sounds good,” Max says, disappearing around the corner.
Max drove the whole trip, but Journey rode shotgun, using his phone as GPS and keeping him awake. Max rarely lets up control of the driving responsibilities, most likely because of his past, but he always designates someone to keep him company on long trips.
“Nice orders, Queen,” Ozzy laughs, and I roll my eyes, unlocking the door to our room.
“It’s the least we can do after they stayed up driving all night,” I remind him, dropping my bag on the bed.
We got their last king room, which came equipped with a desk, couch, and TV. It’s just as basic as the last motel, except this one doesn’t smell like cats. The housekeeper must’ve used cleaning products in here, the air spiked with a refreshing fresh linen scent. The walls are painted a light shade of blue, with mediocre nature paintings hung crookedly, and a thick white curtain blocking out all light.
On the other hand, there’s dust on every surface, and our bathroom wall has a hole the size of a fist in it, and only came stocked with one towel.
It could be worse, so instead of nitpicking at our conditions, I choose to let my brain relax and settle on the bed. It’s surprisingly comfortable, which is the most important detail in a hotel.
“I’m going to take a shower, need anything, my beautiful girl ?” Ozzy asks, pressing his lips to the side of my cheek.
“Not a thing, thank you, though.” I smile up at him, reaching out to tangle my fingers in his grown-out beard.
I loved it when it first started to take shape, but now that it’s almost long enough to hold in my fist, it’s time for a trim.
“You hate it, don’t you?” He laughs, noting how many times I’ve pulled on it since the moment I realized its length.
“Not all of it. Just this,” I say, twirling the end until my finger touches his chin.
“Not interested in a beard burn between your thighs, Bambi?” He retreats immediately, his cheeks reddening with each passing second, and he bites his lower lip nervously, like he’s afraid to stick around for my reaction.
“I’m sorry … I’m gonna go … anywhere else,” he stammers, shaking his head as he turns his back to me.
I loved how confident he was when we met. I was a puddle for him because of how instantly possessive, and obsessed he was with me, but this? This side of him where he’s nervous to make sexual jokes and reacts awkwardly when we touch is fucking maddening .
Who knew a handsome, Greek God-like creature could crumble to dust at the slightest chance of being near me?
His body was tense, ready to explode when I came out in just a towel yesterday, and this tension between us will break – when I say so.
Although, I’m punishing myself too, because I haven’t needed an orgasm so badly in life until now, and I’m struggling to hold out from taking care of the job myself in this big-ass bed.
Instead, I’m going to stay strong and keep testing his will, loving the thrill of dangling him right over the edge.
We’ve never gone more than a few days without sex, usually dictated by my period, but even then, we’d slip into the shower or I’d knock his socks off with a stellar fucking blowjob. Holding out, resisting our desires, and playing hard to get is uncharted territory for us, but as fun as it is, it’s necessary.
I need to trust Ozzy again, and jumping back into bed won’t make that any easier. I have to trust his words and believe them until they become actions before I can truly commit to what he’s been promising me.
It’ll be a road that needs conquering, but I’m putting what little faith I have left in humanity into him – into us – and it’s all I’ve got. If we fail, I don’t think I’ll be able to pick up my broken pieces this time.
Not that I did well the first time, but even so, the hope has begun to creep back in, and losing everything will cost me my life, for good, if this falls apart again, that much I’m certain of.
Almost as if he’s been reading my mind behind that door, Ozzy steps out of the bathroom, with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.
“I trimmed it,” he says playfully, but my eyes can’t break away from the white fabric stuck to his wet skin.
God , this is the first time I’ve seen him nearly naked, and I’m forgetting how to breathe. His thighs are massive, and when my eyes travel upward, toward his abs, I’m reminding my jaw not to hit the fucking floor. His chest is glimmering under the light, the beads of water dripping off his body onto the carpet in a puddle, and I’m entranced by the tufts of hair trailing down toward the hem of the towel. I’m a fucking goner, until he clears his throat, drawing my attention to his eyes.
“I shaved up here , Bambi,” he says, a huge grin on his face as he strokes his jawline and chin.
Now, I notice that the beard is shorter, trimmed against his face and cheeks in a perfect outline, and I’m more of a fucking mess than I was a few seconds ago.
“It’s nice,” I breathe, unable to find the words to explain how perfect he looks right now.
I’m just a girl, and his chiseled body is tempting me in the most devilish ways. I’m afraid I can’t tear my eyes off him without throwing my cards into a fire, destroying any reserve I’ve worked so hard to hold onto.
“You’re shaking,” he says nonchalantly, digging in his suitcase for clothes.
“Uh, it’s cold in here,” I lie, my cheeks burning as the words come out, hoping he doesn’t read through me.
“Mhmm.” He doesn’t say anything else, ducking back into the bathroom, and I let out a breath that was choking me to keep him from winning this round.
He’s aware of the game I’ve been playing, likely sensing my urge to jump his bones, and upping the stakes even higher than I was.
I crawl under the comforter, ready to catch a few good hours of sleep, waiting for Ozzy to join me in this huge bed.
Right on cue, he slides under the covers in only a pair of boxers, instantly scooting close to me and holding his arm up until I’m comfortably resting on his chest.
I close my eyes, his breathing sweeping me into a calm state, but he laughs under his breath, and I’m instantly alerted back to consciousness.
“What’s so funny up there?”
“ You , Bambi. I can feel how fucking turned on you are,” he says, and I scrunch my nose, knowing I’m caught.
“What can I say, baby? You’re still my Greek God ,” I whisper, running my hands along his chest in slow circles.
I can hear his breaths intensify, and his body tenses under mine, but I don’t dare move an inch, knowing if I do, I’ll be the one who breaks.
In a move that shocks me, Ozzy lifts my chin until our eyes meet, and when his tongue swipes his lower lip, I’m fucking wrecked .
I wrap my hand around the nape of his neck, pulling him down to me, and kissing him with a hunger that I’ve kept reserved until this moment.
Our tongues can’t help but fight, as usual, but when his free hand wraps around my throat ever so gently, I’m a mess, barely hanging on by a thread.
My entire body is buzzing, my senses jumbled together so harshly that I can’t tell what I’m hearing, feeling, or tasting, only knowing that I fucking love it.
Our teeth, tongues, and lips continuously collide, a feverish fight for dominance, but neither of us dares to cross a line that propels this kiss into something more. I’m content here, making out with Ozzy like I need his lips to survive, and I think he’s challenging me, attempting to break me down.
Either way, only one of us can win, and when I trap his lower lip between my teeth, he moans softly into my mouth, and I know I’m the victorious one in this round.
He breaks first, pulling his lips off mine, and peppering gentle kisses on my cheeks and nose.
“Keep teasing me, Bambi. We’ll be locked into a battle for the ages,” he breathes, and I take my chance to lock my grip on his throat, squeezing until he shifts under the weight of my palm.
“Keep kissing me like that, and we’ll both be begging for it.” I smirk, trailing my tongue along his chest, slightly flicking the tip over his stiff nipple, and he fucking moans .
His voice drops an octave or two, ripping through me and sending a shockwave straight between my legs, one so strong I might be swallowed whole by the universe at this very moment if he does it again.
“Let’s get some sleep, my beautiful girl , one where we’re not handcuffed to each other and fighting to be comfortable,” he whispers, his nails dragging against my skin, scratching my arm in the way he knows I love.
“Don’t let me go,” I breathe, my eyelids heavy as I’m instantly taken to a place where sleep welcomes me with open arms.
I couldn’t sleep without him, especially sober, but now that I’m back in Ozzy’s arms, my body is desperate to catch up on all the nights that I passed out in an attempt to keep my eyes closed and my mind clear, if only for just a few hours.
“Never again, Fallon,” he whispers just as I’m taken under, cascading into a darkness that feels safe and comfortable.
The peace only lasts so long, and when there are no dreams or nightmares to keep me resting, or to jolt me awake in a cold sweat, my subconscious haunts me with memories.
Flashes of my childhood stream through my mind, almost as if they’re on a film reel, and I’m being forced to relive some of my darkest moments. A camera lens is perched in my face, and I’m spinning, listening to the clicks of the shutter when suddenly, I can’t breathe. I’m choking, relentlessly coughing, until my vision fades to black, and I’m fighting my way back to the surface.
“Hey, Bambi. Look at me!” Ozzy startles me awake, and I nearly fall off the bed, clutching the comforter for dear life.
“You were having a nightmare, are you alright?” He asks tenderly, and I nod, swallowing the lump forming in my throat.
It wasn’t a nightmare, it was unfiltered torture, and if he weren’t here, I don’t know if I’d have been able to pull myself out of it.
“I need air,” I breathe, climbing out of bed and racing toward the door.
The sunlight burns my eyes, and my body is covered in sweat, but when I step outside, I feel free. The claws that were squeezing the life out of me have been released, and I can take a deep breath again.
I sit against the brick building, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my head, letting the sun warm me inside and out.
This trip has been a constant source of pain, bad memories, and an unstitching of wounds, but I can’t stop now. I refuse to let these emotional inconveniences break me.
“Hey, Fal, are you okay?” Cami asks, and I peer up at her, holding my hand out until the sun is hidden from my view.
She’s standing above me, worry plastered across her face, and I nod, unable to find the words I want to say.
I’ve been so upset with her, but letting her go without talking through things feels … wrong. We shared something so deep, and so unique, that we owe each other a conversation, and what better time than outside of a shit motel in the middle-of-nowhere Virginia?
“I’m okay. Wanna sit?” I tap the cement, and she drops her bag, getting herself comfortable on the ground beside me.
We don’t speak for a few minutes, the tension between us thick as if we’re debating on being the first to break the ice. I clear my throat, attempting to be the bigger person, but Cami beats me to it, turning to face me and sucking in a breath.
“I fucked up, Fallon. I’ve combed through my memories, trying to find out where I went wrong and I realized that all along … It was you. I may have slept next to Oliver and came along with you guys when he asked, but I did it all for you – the idea of you, even. And that makes me feel like shit,” she says softly, brushing the curls from her face as she stares at the ground.
“I let you take care of me after he left, and I knew how you felt about me. It’s my fault, too. I don’t love you in the same ways you love me, but you will always have a special place in my heart, Camila, and I mean that so sincerely.”
“You were in love with him, and from what I can see, you still are. Since you left, everything came crashing down on me, forcing me to see the carnage I’ve caused you, Oliver, and how fucking selfish I’ve been. I need to be a better person, but I can’t do that when all I want is you,” she confesses, wiping tears from her cheeks as she speaks.
I never wanted to lead her on, or make her think we’d be more than we were, but shit got so messed up along the way, and neither one of us was strong enough to call it quits. We chose to hurt each other, day after day, selfishly keeping the other close for our own benefit. It’s twisted, but we both need the chance to heal, and I think she’ll be better off somewhere else.
“You go, Cami. Go work on yourself, and heal. You deserve it,” I whisper, looking into her hazel eyes, the sparkle unmissable in the sunlight.
“Kill them, Fallon. Both of them. I know you can do that,” she says – referring to Mr. A., and my stepfather – reaching for my hand.
I lace my fingers into hers, a place that once ignited forest fires within me, but only feels like slight sparks now. Our time is done, but we made some incredible memories along the way, and I’m thankful for this chance to get closure.
“I will, Cami.”
“You’re sure you won’t hate me if I leave?”
“Not for a second. Go home, to Jacksonville, but you fucking take care of yourself, you understand me? No drugs, no parties. Go find your sister, find something to keep you balanced, okay?” I say sternly, tilting her chin until she’s looking into my eyes.
“I promise, Fal.”
“You always have a home here,” I remind her, which causes her tears to fall harder.
“I never, ever, meant to hurt you. Or him,” she cries, shaking her head as she looks to the sky.
“I never meant to hurt you either, Camila.”
We’re both quiet again, her head resting on my shoulder as we sit in a comfortable silence, and I watch the clouds as they pass over us. I can’t help but feel my heart break, knowing that Cami is leaving, and the memories we made will eventually fade. The things I loved most about her will eventually be erased, something I can barely recall, and I’m losing someone who once held significance in my life.
The crinkle in her nose when she thought something was hilarious, or when she’d wink at me when nobody was looking — like we spoke our own secret language.
Those times when we’d be flirting, and my body prickled with such heat that I was convinced she was made of flames.
“It’s going to take me a lifetime to get over you, Fallon,” she says, interrupting the internal mourning of our relationship in my head.
“My first, my only, Camila. I promised you that once, and it still stands. You deserve someone who says that to you, but puts you first, above all else, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you.”
We don’t say anything else, leaving things exactly where we think they should stand, and I couldn’t be happier with how we’ve chosen to lay our relationship to rest.
It’s a relief, to be able to have this final conversation and release the tension we’ve been holding for each other since our fight in the dealership. We’ve crossed state lines, faced harsh truths and realizations about ourselves, but luckily, at the end of it all we were able to treat each other with respect and care.
I’ll miss Cami, probably more than I anticipate, but this is what’s right for me, and how I plan to move forward in my life.
Now, it’s time to face the mountain of obstacles stacked ahead of me.