Chapter Four
RYDER
Warm, strong, and solid, Alex held me plastered to him like we belonged, entwined as one. Nothing had felt this good in a long time. This is what I wanted, a life with this man, whatever that looked like, and at that moment, I realized I would do anything to keep him.
“What can I do? What do you need from me?” he asked as though he was the one who needed to alter something to fix our relationship.
No, that was all me. I was the one who’d broken or, at the very least, cracked our foundation. Tears dripped from my eyes as emotions attacked me from all angles—guilt, fear, failure, despair, and gratitude for this man.
“Don’t leave me,” I whispered against his ear.
“I know things are fucked up right now, and it’s my fault, but please don’t leave me.
I’m going to fix it. I promise.” I’d never allowed myself to show a fraction of the vulnerability I was displaying to Alex at that moment.
Not my parents, not my sister, not my closest friends, and never any of the many employees I oversaw.
The world saw what I wanted them to see—carefree confidence, bordering on and maybe crossing over to arrogance.
I controlled that narrative. It’s what I gave to Alex for years.
He did the same, but his mask was stonier and came with many more scowls.
But he’d let me in. He’d let me see beneath his prickly exterior to the man struggling with complicated family dynamics, working his ass off to pay for school, and trying his best to be what everyone in his life needed.
It was my turn to do the same. To trust he would still feel the same way about me after I imploded.
“Ryder, I’m here.” His voice rumbled next to my ear. “I came to you because I want to be with you. I’m not going anywhere, and you don’t have to fix anything alone.”
His words nearly had my tears turning to sobs.
“I know I haven’t done this relationship thing much, but I think we’re supposed to be a team. That means we work shit out together. No matter how messy it gets.”
I drew back until I could see his handsome face, but kept my hands on his shoulders. Touching him, connecting with him, felt as necessary for my survival as breathing.
“I’m sorry about last night. It was supposed to be special. I wanted you to have an extraordinary night.”
Alex smiled and shook his head. “Forget last night. You know I don’t need fancy dinners and shit. Special to me is eating pizza on the couch in our underwear while we binge-watch Reacher.”
For the first time in days, I smiled. It wasn’t huge. My heart still weighed a hundred pounds, but my lips curved upward. “I still can’t believe you’d never watched it until I forced you.”
He huffed a half laugh. “Now I can’t get enough.”
My smile fell. “Did you watch some last night? I wouldn’t blame you if you spite-watched it.”
Sadness crossed his face. “No, Ryder. I have no desire to punish you.” He winked. “Well, maybe I could think of some kind of punishment I’d like to inflict.”
Thank God I wasn’t too far down the rabbit hole of depression, where my dick didn’t react to a sexy quip like that from my smoking-hot boyfriend. Trapped between our bodies, my cock thickened.
Alex’s eyebrow climbed to an arch. “Are you getting hard right now?”
I shrugged. “It’s been a while, and you’re talking about sexy punishments. What did you expect?”
He chuckled. “You’re a deviant.”
And finally, real happiness slammed into me. I shrugged as a large smile spread across my face. “Guilty as charged, but it’s your fault. If you weren’t so good with that cock of yours, I wouldn’t react like one of Pavlov’s dogs.”
Instead of responding, Alex grabbed my face and kissed me.
It was hard and claiming, a way to reestablish who I belonged to.
He tasted so good, coffee with a hint of the cream and sugar I’d finally turned him onto after years of him drinking black rocket fuel.
I loved how a little trace of me bled through his kiss after days of tension and uncertainty.
Within seconds, our hands roamed and our hips rocked together. Just as I was about to dive my fingers beneath his shirt and take this party to the next level, the one where we got sweaty and reconnected all over my office floor, Alex ended the kiss.
“Shit,” he said as his head thumped against the window. “Should have thought that one through. You go to my head like a goddamn drug.”
“I see nothing wrong with that,” I said as I moved in for another of his intoxicating kisses.
He dodged my hungry lips. “Tell me what happened today?”
I deflated like a balloon pricked with a pin, though my cock stayed hard. What could I say? I wanted him. Our foreheads pressed together as the day came back to me with a heavy sigh. “You know how we’re testing out the new surgical robotic prototype?”
He grunted. “Of course I know. You’ve been stressing about it for weeks.”
I pulled back to see him better. “Yeah, well, I met with Raquel Chen today for a critical update.” Thinking about the disastrous meeting had my stomach cramping.
Alex massaged the back of my neck. “Is it not going well?”
God, that felt so good. I let my head drop forward as he dug into the sore muscles.
“That’s putting it mildly. The project is practically dead in the water.
To keep it alive, we’re going to have to blow out our budget by an exorbitant amount and push back our beta test date by, God, I don’t even want to think about how delayed this will be.
I’m failing, Alex. I’ve been entrusted with this enormous responsibility, and I’m failing.
I have zero life outside of this corporation.
I’m destroying our relationship and putting my future on hold for what? To fuck it all up, my future included?”
“Whoa, hold the fuck up.” Alex clasped my face between his strong hands. “You are not fucking anything up.”
The surety in his voice bolstered my insides. “You’re biased.”
“No,” he continued with vehemence. “Ryder Calloway, you are amazing. You’ve put your life on hold, your dreams on hold, to help your family, even though they don’t deserve it, if I’m being blunt.
They know you didn’t want this, and they don’t give a shit.
They’re taking advantage of the remarkable man you are. ”
“Alex…” I whispered, voice thick. I hated acknowledging that, even if the truth seemed more apparent each day.
“You had nothing to do with the creation of this prototype. You are not responsible for a single piece of this puzzle. Who the fuck cares if it’ll cost more money or take more time?
That’s how the game is played. I’m sure there are provisions in place for just this scenario.
This isn’t on you. You. Have. Not. Failed. ”
His tone bordered on furious, but I’d spent enough time around him to know this was Alex in protective mode. He’d scowl me into next week if I said it out loud, but he was a natural-born nurturer, taking care of everyone in his orbit.
“Friday is the deadline to drop out of the upcoming trimester. I emailed my advisor, letting him know I’d be deferring again.”
Understanding dawned in Alex’s eyes. Now he recognized what caused my epic spiral today. “Shit, that came up on us so fast.”
Us.
How could two simple letters strung together have such a powerful impact?
“I almost couldn’t do it. I’m getting so far off course as it is.
Some days it feels like I’m getting sucked into this world I’ll never escape from.
My father has made great improvements, but he’s not where he was.
He’s not who he was. What if this turns into another trimester and another still?
What if…” My voice dipped to a barely-there whisper. “What if I forget what I want?”
Alex held my face in a firm but gentle grip as he leveled me his most stern look.
“Never. Ryder, that will never happen because I won’t let it.
I’ve seen you with the kids at the community center many times.
You belong working with them, whether it’s as an educator or a program director at a center like XXXX.
It’s what you were born to do, and if I must, I’ll use my last breath to remind you. I will not let you drown.”
How did I find such a fantastic partner? Someone who saw my good and bad and still wanted to be at my side? “I’m angry,” I said, giving him another emotion I’d been struggling with.
“That’s okay. I think anyone would be. I sure as fuck would be. You know…” He shook his head. “Never mind.” He dropped his hands from my face to my back, holding me close.
“No, what? Say it.” I gripped the front of his shirt, giving a little shake as though I could loosen the words from his mouth.
“You don’t have to do this anymore. There’s a chance, a realistic chance, your father won’t be able to resume control of the company. In that case, he’ll expect you to fill the role. You can tell him no. You can even walk away now.”
I nodded. “I know. I think about that all the time. How would a conversation like that go? It wouldn’t be pretty, but I’m starting to think it might be inevitable. I can’t go on like this forever.”
“So why not do it now?”
Frowning, I tilted my head and stared into his gorgeous brown eyes. They were deep pools I could easily get lost in for hours. “What do you mean?”
“The company won’t fall apart without you at the helm. It’s a huge corporation with layers and layers of management. I’m sure someone is dying for the CEO position.”
I snorted. “And someone who would do a better job with years of experience under their belt.”
Alex shrugged. “Maybe, though I think you’ve been knocking it out of the park. But my point is, there has to be a provision in place to install a CEO if your father or you are unable to fulfill the position.”
“Huh.” I bit my lower lip. That made sense.
“I’m about to get super dark, here, but roll with it. What if you and your father were in an accident together and couldn’t work?”