Chapter Twenty #2
“Kenny,” I said, unable to keep the surprise out of my voice.
He’d kept his distance, not visiting Alex since the night I nearly punched him at the hospital.
I owed him an apology for my behavior, but with my attention entirely on Alex, I hadn’t taken the time to issue one yet.
“Come in,” I said, stepping away from the door.
“Thanks.” He stepped in with quick, jerky movements.
For a moment, we stood in the foyer staring at each other in silence, but Kenny fidgeted, shifting side to side, wriggling his fingers at his side and chewing his bottom lip.
He’d dressed similarly to the other night in baggy jeans and an oversized hoodie.
I had the instant urge to feed him a huge meal and offer him a place to sleep.
His visible cheekbones, hollow eyes, and pale skin spoke of someone who wasn’t taking care of themselves and hadn’t been for a long time.
The anger I had the other night tried to worm its way to the forefront of my mind. His poor choices led to Alex’s injuries. That was just the truth of the matter. But life was never so black and white, and the uncontrollable fury I felt the other night had faded and softened..
“Do you want to sit?”
He nodded.
“Follow me.” I glanced toward the couch but decided to head into the kitchen instead.
“Nice place,” he mumbled as he trailed behind me into the kitchen.
“Thank you. Take a seat. Can I get you anything?” I asked as we entered the kitchen. “A drink? A snack? A four-course meal?”
He grunted, wringing his hands at his waist. “Water’s good.”
I eyed him as he slid onto a stool at the island. “I wasn’t kidding. I’m not much of a cook, but I’ve got some stuff I can heat up fast.”
“Oh, uh, nah. I’m not too hungry right now.”
“Hmm.”
I slid a glass of icy water across the island. He accepted it with hands whose nails had been bitten to nubs. “I’m serious. My appetite is screwed up right now. I know I look—”
“Like shit?” He had the same dark hair and eyes as Alex, but that’s where the similarities ended, especially now that he clearly hadn’t been taking care of himself for probably months.
He grunted, but it almost sounded like a laugh. “Yeah.”
I sighed. We were dancing around the issue, and someone had to break the ice. I assumed he’d come to feel me out and see if I’d let him visit his brother or continue to be a dick to him.
“Look, Ken—”
“I need help,” he cut in, lifting his dull gaze to meet mine.
Usually, I considered myself quick on my feet, but his easy admission shocked the hell out of me. “I… you do.” It wasn’t a question but a firm statement of fact. He’d been spiraling down at a rapid pace for far too long. “What can I do for you right now?”
Shifting his gaze, he huffed, then shook his head and whispered something.
“What was that?” I leaned in.
“I need money,” he murmured so low I almost needed him to repeat himself a third time.
I drew back, blinking.
He found my gaze again, but this time, he let me see the utter shame burning in his eyes.
“They say some people need to hit rock bottom before they are willing to ask for help.” He shrugged.
“I guess I’m one of those people. Alex…” He swallowed, and a tremor ran through him.
“Alex getting hurt because of me was my rock bottom. And now I’m here begging his boyfriend for money to pay off my fuck-up.
I had no idea I could go lower than rock bottom. B-but here I am.”
He picked at the skin of his fingers while he spoke.
I suspected he also bounced a knee, as his whole body vibrated on the stool.
As I watched him, he seemed to catch himself, stilling all the fidgets.
“Sorry. I… um… I haven’t used anything since the day after Alex got hurt, so I’m a little twitchy right now. ”
The day after. I could only imagine what his night had been like after he’d left the hospital. Most likely, he didn’t remember anything from the oblivion he’d succumbed to that night.
“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.”
He shrugged with a snort, averting his gaze again. “It’s the least I deserve,” he mumbled.
The sad admission had my heart aching for him. I sighed and rounded the island where I slipped onto the stool next to him. “Ken, that’s not true. It’s not how I feel, and I know it’s not how Alex will feel when he wakes up.”
He scoffed. “You’ve met him, right?”
That had me smiling despite the crushing weight of the past few days. “Oh yes, I’ve met every inch of that man.”
Kenny’s lips twitched, which was more than I thought I’d get from him. “It would be a loan, if it’s even possible for you to lend me the money. I will pay it back. No matter what. My mom said I’d get money from the sale of the house. I’ll pay you then. I promise.”
“I believe you. But I think we’re missing a big piece of the puzzle.”
His forehead wrinkled, and for the first time, I saw Alex in him. The serious way my boyfriend thought and analyzed situations brought out a similar expression as Kenny wore then.
“What do you mean?”
“Rehab.”
“Oh, yeah.” He nodded. “I know that… it’s necessary.”
Thank God he was on board. “Yes. I can give you the money to repay your debt. That’s the easy part.”
He grunted. “For you.”
“Yes.” It was what it was. I had money. There was no denying it. It had never been an issue for me and never would. “And I don’t give a shit about you paying me back.”
“I will, though.”
I shrugged. We could fight about that later.
I understood if he felt the need to repay me, but I’d rather have him start with a clean slate and begin building himself a life worth living.
Money from selling the house could do that for him.
“We can iron out those details later, but I won’t give you a cent unless you promise to go to rehab.
Go, stick it out, and work every day to stay sober. ”
I’m sure looking that far out felt overwhelming to the point of impossible, but he sipped his water and nodded. “I promise. I’ve already looked into the state-funded facility. There’s a month-long wait list, but I should be able to get in eventually.”
A month was way too long. It left him too much time to backslide, and without professional help, he would.
Plus, the state facility was underfunded, understaffed, and looked like a prison from the outside.
“Fuck that. I know of a place. It’s a few hours outside of Boston, but it has a fantastic reputation. ”
His eyes bugged. “Do you have an idea how much that place costs?” A laugh bubbled out of him.
“I ate freezer-burned burritos Alex probably bought three years ago last week because I couldn’t afford anything else.
I can’t afford a fancy discrete rehab designed for rich people to send their fuckups.
No… oh, no. That’s not happening, Ryder,” he said when I gave him a look.
“You are not paying for me to go to rehab.”
“Kenny…”
His eyes widened as he shook his head. “Ryder, I can’t. I can’t accept that from you. I already feel like shit on your shoe. I can’t…”
I reached out and grabbed his thin hand, stopping him from making a cuticle bleed. “Would you take it if Alex offered?”
“He’s my brother. It’s different.”
“I don’t want it to be. I know we haven’t had an easy journey so far.
We don’t really know each other, but that can change.
I’m not going anywhere, Ken. I love Alex, and I plan to be with him forever.
This is it for me. He’s it for me. I want you to see me as a brother, and hopefully one day I will be, officially. Let me do this for you. For all of us.”
“Ryder…”
I grabbed his shoulders and spun him to face me. “Yes, shit is bad right now, Ken, and I understand you think it can’t get worse, but it can. If you keep going this way, you’ll be sleeping under the bridge and warming yourself by a burning barrel at night while sharing needles with God knows who.”
His face turned a little green, and I knew he had some uncomfortable medical tests in his future.
“But you have a choice right now. You can see this as day one and take the help that is offered. It’s time to move forward and leave all that shit behind. I know you can do it.”
He chuckled, but it was a morose sound. “You make it sound easy.”
“It will be hard as fuck, but I believe you can do hard shit, Ken.” He needed people in his corner as much as he needed the rehab.
His bleak eyes never made contact with mine, which made my heart ache, because I got the distinct impression he felt he didn’t deserve to meet my gaze. “I never have before. I’ve always taken the easy route. This scares me.”
“Well, maybe it’s time to prove to yourself that you’re worth the effort.”
“Am I?” he asked in the smallest voice full of insecurity.
I didn’t know Kenny well, and what I did see of him was largely negative.
But I knew what it was like to lose the support of your family, to have them not believe in you and step away.
It hurt worse than anything. Despite his mistakes, Kenny didn’t deserve that.
No one did. So I captured his chin and forced him to look me straight in the eyes, then said, “Fuck yes, you are.”
He blinked and turned his head, so I released him to battle his heavy feelings on his own. Then I swallowed my own swell of emotion and said, “Want to come to the hospital with me?”
“Uh, yeah. I’d really like that,” he said as he swiped under his eye with an unsteady hand.
“Okay. Let’s go, and while we’re there, I’ll make some calls for you.” As I stood and took a step away from the island, Kenny’s hand landed on my arm.
“Thank you,” he said, staring up at me. “I… just… thank you.”
I nodded. “My part is the easy part.”
And that was the truth. I’d done what I could, and Alex and I would stand by his side in whatever way he needed, but he was in for an uphill battle no one could fight for him.
I sent a plea into the universe, or whoever was listening, to help Kenny turn his life around. We needed something positive to come out of this horrible situation, something.