Chapter 7
Jill
T here’s something in the air. A difference in the way things felt yesterday.
For one, Zach texted me last night.
Goodnight, Jilly Beans.
I was so surprised to receive it, I almost launched straight off my mattress and face planted on the floor, which would have led to my second injury of the day.
There was no one to ask for advice on what to text back.
I could probably have called Harper, but I don’t want to make her my confidant in all things Zach. That wouldn’t be fair to her.
I’m not allowed to tell anyone at school.
And my mother would have just eye rolled me.
So I panicked and sent back a selfie lying on my pillow, along with a kissy face emoji.
The second thing that makes today different from all other days is it’s my first full one as a non-virgin.
I have an enormous secret that is running in my head at all times.
During class, when my friends are talking to me.
I haven’t seen Zach yet today and I’m hoping I’ll feel a little more anchored when I see his eyes.
Maybe they’ll give me a hint about what he’s thinking.
Or if he’s starting to feel more serious about our relationship.
I do a quick check of my reflection in my locker mirror and close it.
Right before I turn around I hear some of the football players snickering behind my back.
Some of my friends from the cheerleading squad are laughing, too.
Encouraging them. If it wasn’t already obvious who they were talking about, one of the football players picks up a cheerleader, carrying her the way Zach carried me yesterday.
They look at each other with exaggerated affection while everyone around them makes kissing noises.
“Oh Zach.”
“Oh Jill! ”
“Save me!”
Laughter erupts in the hallway and my face flames, my back bumping my locker.
Yes, of course, I’m a little embarrassed. I’m lucky enough not to have a lot of experience being the object of ridicule before. I’m also caught off guard. Irritated. They don’t know anything about me and Zach. And how dare they make fun of his heroics? His concern for me?
“You’re not funny,” I say to the football player. “And you wish you could pass for Zach.”
He snorts. “I’d definitely have to gain a few pounds.”
Zach steps into the hallway on the heels of that pronouncement, his stride slowing to a stop. He assesses the scene with a sweep of his eyes, his expression betraying nothing. But I know he heard. He had to have heard otherwise my heart wouldn’t be weeping. I mouth his name but no sound comes out.
He seems to hear it anyway, his attention landing and me and falling away quickly, his head dropping forward. But not before I see the flash of sorrow in his eyes. Everyone is silent as he continues to his locker, opening it and swapping his books.
I start to go to him, the rules be damned.
I’m going to claim him in front of the whole school, because that’s what my heart is telling me is the right thing. The only thing.
But Miguel breezes into the hallway at that exact moment, seemingly oblivious to the tension around him, and blocks my path.
“Hey. Jill Harding.” He laughs, flashing his perfect white teeth. “Finally. I was starting to think you switched schools.”
Wow.
Really?
I’ve managed to successfully avoid this moment for weeks and now is the time my luck chooses to run out?
The thing is, Miguel is a really nice person.
Everyone loves him and it’s not just because he’s the high school quarterback.
If I wasn’t in love with Zach, I would be really lucky to go with him to homecoming.
The fact that he’s genuinely nice is also the reason I can’t just blow him off right now in front of everyone and embarrass him.
Zach and I briefly lock eyes over Miguel’s shoulder and I swallow the sack of nickels in my throat.
I watch him interpret what is about to happen—another guy is about to ask me to homecoming—and his features tighten, nostrils flaring.
His grip flexes around the strap of his backpack and I think of how possessively that hand touches me.
I want that side of him to come out now.
To come get me, ask me to homecoming himself.
But the other students are still whispering. They’re almost gleeful, looking between me and Miguel and Zach, speculating on what’s going to happen.
One thing I know is that I cannot go to the dance with Miguel.
I just can’t.
I would feel unfaithful and miserable and I don’t want to let this nice guy think I could ever date anyone but Zach. But I can’t tell him that in front of everyone. I have to find a way to spare him the awkwardness of being turned down.
“So, uh…Jill,” Miguel says, ducking his head to grab my attention. “I wanted to ask you…”
Before he can say the dreaded words, I shoot forward and cup my hand around his ear. “Can I talk to you outside for a second?”
He’s a little thrown off by the request, but he nods. “Of course.”
I smile at him. “Thanks.”
When I glance back at Zach’s locker on the way out the front entrance, he’s gone and my heart drops into my stomach.
Was I stupid to think he was beginning to like me?
Ever stupider to think he’d ask me to homecoming?
He was probably watching all of this dumb high school drama playing out, counting the moments until he could move on to bigger and better things.
Smarter girls. I’ve been pining for him for years and I’ve been super obvious about it.
Maybe I’ve just been embarrassing myself.
Maybe he was just being his usual Zach self offering to help me appease my hormones.
And now…maybe he’s done.
If he wanted more, he would have told me.
He would have fought for me.
So…I guess it’s time to sweep up the pieces of my broken heart and accept reality.
* * *
Zach
I sit on the edge of my bed, head in my hands.
Pulling on the strands of my hair until it hurts.
My insides feel like they’re on fire one minute, then the next, I’m hollow.
I can hear the excited voices out in the living room, Harper and her friends taking homecoming pictures, waiting for their dates to arrive. I haven’t heard Jill, but they have Dua Lipa on full blast, so the sweet, individual notes of her voice are probably being drowned out.
This has been the worst week of my life.
Jill no longer even looks at me.
She still lets me give her a ride home after school, but she just hops out without saying goodbye. Doesn’t even wave when she reaches the door. In the hallway, she moves past me like a ghost, her scent torturing me, my arms aching for her.
I know I should be grateful for the time we had together.
It was more than I ever expected. Better than I ever dreamed.
Worth feeling like I’ve had my heart ripped out through my mouth.
But Jesus, I miss her so much. Not just her body and the privilege of touching her, but the way she used to look at me with so much trust. If all else failed, at least I had that.
Her faith that I’d always be there, always rescue her. Now it feels like I have nothing.
For the millionth time in an hour, the scene in the school hallway replays behind my eyelids. The way she smiled up at Miguel, right before he asked to her homecoming.
Of course she accepted, though I didn’t stick around to hear her answer.
Of course she did.
Her association with me caused people to laugh at her in the hallway. Did I think she’d want to go anywhere with me after that? Especially a school dance?
I’d definitely have to gain a few pounds.
Just knowing she heard that comment makes my throat close up. Why? My size has never been a secret. She didn’t magically forget. It’s probably part of the reason I was so safe for her. She didn’t have to feel self-conscious around someone twice her size.
Honestly, that doesn’t seem like Jill at all, but then again, I never expected her to cut me off, begin completely ignoring me over a few wisecracks in the hallway.
If she’d talk to me, I would apologize for bringing her that kind of negative attention.
It’s the very thing I wanted to avoid. I’m supposed to protect her.
With a gulp, I shove to my feet and throw open my closet looking at the garment bag hanging in the corner.
The tuxedo I rented Monday night, hours after she gave me her virginity.
I must have been fucking delusional practicing how I was going to ask her in the rearview mirror of my truck the next morning.
A movement of color outside captures my attention.
It’s the girls outside in their dresses, greeting the guys as they arrive, and I can’t help but drift toward the window, starved for the sight of Jill. I’m already in hell, might as well descend even deeper by seeing her with Miguel.
After a few seconds of searching for her blonde hair with no results, I frown.
Where is she?
Still in the house?
I hesitate only a moment before leaving my bedroom and searching the rooms, just to make sure she’s okay. But she’s nowhere. And my pulse starts to spike, bolts tightening on either side of my neck.
Harper sticks her head back in through the open front door to grab her keys off the entry table and I stomp toward her. “Hey. Where is Jill? I don’t see her outside.”
My sister blinks. “She’s not coming.”
“Why? Where is she meeting Miguel?”
“She’s not . She turned him down gently.” Harper looks in the mirror and pokes at her hair. “Miguel is going with someone else.”
“ What? ” Confusion grips me, along with a deep sense of foreboding. “Are you telling me Jill isn’t going to the dance at all?”
“Yes. That is what I’m telling you.”
No. No, that’s not right. Jill is supposed to be at homecoming. She’s even on the ballot for homecoming queen, as she should be. Dressing up and dancing and being with her friends…those are things she’s supposed to experience, even if they’re not with me.
Even if it kills me.
“Why?” I rasp, shaking my head. “I don’t understand.”
Something in my tone causes Harper to look over sharply.
Her expression turns sympathetic and a little indecisive.
And that sense of foreboding triples, making my palms sweat.
“Zach…” She sighs, firms her shoulders. “Seriously. How do you not know that Jill has been in love with you since we were kids?”
My heart holds its beats. No way I heard that right. “No. That can’t be true.”
“Oh no? Think about it. Have you seen her date anyone? Do you think people just haven’t been asking out the drop-dead gorgeous cheerleader?” My sister throws up her hands. “She was waiting for you.”
A blade drives into the center of my chest.
I’m suddenly standing on shifting sand, my legs unstable.
Jill Harding? In love with me?
“She told me you guys kissed, you know.” Harper runs a finger under her eye, fixing her makeup. “She was so excited. Thought maybe you were starting to have feelings for her.”
“ Starting to? ” I claw at my throat, trying to relieve the terrible crowding sensation. “Goddammit. Why are you only telling me this now? ”
Harper shrugs. “Honestly, I didn’t know if you felt the same way about her. You play everything so close to the vest. She’s my best friend and I didn’t want to risk making things awkward for no reason.” She raises an eyebrow. “ Do you feel the same way about Jill?”
I plant my hands on my knees, doubled over from the repeated blows. “I’ve loved her my whole fucking life.”
“Oh,” Harper breathes, stricken. “I’m sorry, Zach.”
Every single smile Jill has ever given me suddenly looks different.
Now instead of just seeing a sweet girl being friendly to the big boy, I see the hope in her eyes.
I see her knuckles turning white around her backpack straps and her stuttering my name.
I see her running to catch up with me after football games when she could have been with her popular friends.
And I want to die.
I want to fucking die.
How many times have I walked away from that offering of more, leaving her disappointed? Christ. My windpipe is being crushed in a vise.
“Did I…lose her?” I choke out.
Harper hesitates. “I don’t know.”
The uncertainty unbalances me more, but the stakes are too high here to lie down and give up. So I stumble blindly for my room and pull the garment bag out of the closet.