Chapter 20
Twenty
Zier
Avalon Halhed was beautiful. When she came down for dinner after her girls’ day, she was wearing a deep blue dress that made the opalescence of her skin seem even more radiant. It plunged low, and I had to agree with Taeme, she did have magnificent breasts.
We were eating outside, which, according to Baron Taeme, was something they did frequently so their animal companions could join.
Given the Taeme family had a whole menagerie of animal companions, it made sense that you wouldn’t want them banging around in the formal dining area.
I tried to imagine growing up knowing that you had something always watching your back. Goddess knows, I could have used it.
I looked at Vox Vylan, the way he held himself still a little apart from the group, even though the love between them all was as obvious to me as it was to everyone else in this courtyard.
Some would say that the Eighth Line would relate most to the Third.
We were both natural hunters, preferring to keep our Baronies heavily wooded. And maybe that was true.
But I saw a reflection of my younger self in Vox Vylan. A father who was never happy, who wanted more and more from his people, from his family, until we were all wrung dry.
I hadn’t murdered my father, despite the whispered accusations when I’d first ascended to Baron.
But I hadn’t saved him either. I hadn’t even buried him, after he’d been gored by a wild boar in the Westwoods.
I’d let the beasts eat his flesh and bones, and hoped that they’d shit him out on all the land between the Alutian Sea and the Dragonspire Mountains.
He had been a miserable man, who’d made his Barony miserable too.
Sipping my drink, I looked around the rest of the people gathered in the small courtyard. I guess I should’ve been happy he’d never actively tried to murder the other Lines, just his own. Small mercies.
Ora Taeme passed me the bread rolls. “Do you think you’ll return home after this, Zier?”
I almost laughed that she thought there would be an “after this.” Feodore Vylan wasn’t going to lay down. This would tear all of Ebrus apart before it was done.
“I’m unsure. Ivo has prepared to stand in for me his entire life, and he and Kyler make a great team who are determined to make the lives of our Line—and indeed the rest of West Ebrus—as prosperous and happy as possible.
It’s something they’ve talked about for a long time.
I wish it came about under better circumstances, though.
” I touched the base of my throat, my chuckle bordering on bitter.
“Being Baron was not something I ever wanted. I was just the most capable when the position arose. The twins were still young when my brother and his wife died, and not much older when my father died. I believe they are plenty old enough now to lead. I was a similar age when I took the mantle.”
Ora nodded sadly. “What happened to your brother and his wife was a tragedy.”
I inclined my head. It was—more so because my father had murdered them. My brother had dared to suggest he was no longer fit for leadership, and so my father had sunk their boat as they sailed back into Eaglehoth.
That had been the way of the Lines for too long, at least in the Eighth. It was all backstabbing and private volleys for power. Not anymore. It stopped with me. I would hand over the reins to Ivo and Kyler.
The topic shifted to something more lighthearted, and I found the teasing tone of conversation and the absolute insanity of so many animals almost comforting.
Something scurried up my leg, and I looked down at the small ball of purple fluff on my thigh.
It stared up at me with big eyes. No, not at me. At my piece of steak.
Laughing, I pulled the piece from my fork and stealthily fed it beneath the table.
It took the meat between its paws and gnawed on it with an eagerness that was pretty cute.
I knew this little creature was Avalon’s, and it seemed to give off the same fiercely loyal feeling as its owner.
It stuffed the rest of the meat in its mouth, giving me another pitiful look until I also gave it a piece of potato, then curled into a ball to demolish its small meal.
It was still curled up in my lap when we finished dessert. Avalon stopped beside me and looked down at my lap, a gentle smile on her face. “He likes you.”
“He knows a sucker when he sees one.”
Her sweet laugh made my skin tingle. If someone had told me even two months ago that just a woman’s voice would set my blood on fire, I would have laughed in their face.
“That explains why he stays with me,” she murmured conspiratorially. She waved a hand toward the garden. “Do you want to take a walk with me?”
“Alone?” Why did I sound like a scandalized court matron?
Avalon rolled her lips together, clearly trying not to laugh. “Well, yeah. Alone. Unless you’re worried about your virtue? Because I’m not going to lie to you, my virtue is lying on the floor of the Ninth Line dorm room back at Boellium.”
My face felt hot. Was I actually blushing? I was a decade older than this girl. No, woman. She wasn’t a girl; she would already have been considered a spinster in the Upper Lines.
“A walk sounds nice.” I picked up the stolt, which was sleeping like it was dead, and placed it gently on the chair I’d just vacated. I poked it a little to ensure it was breathing, but it just pawed at the air, rolling onto its back. Its mouth opened, with its tiny tongue rolling out.
I wasn’t sure if that made it look more or less alive, but I figured if it was breathing, that was good enough.
Hayle was doing a very good job of pretending he wasn’t watching Avalon, but Vox wasn’t even trying.
His gaze was burning hot against my skin, promising retribution if I did anything that made Avalon remotely unhappy.
I couldn’t imagine what I would do to upset her, but I lifted my chin at him, acknowledging the threat.
Seemingly happy, he went back to listening to whatever Hayle was pretending to talk about. Lierick was in the corner talking to his cousin, who seemed to disappear and reappear like a specter in the night.
We were silent as we walked down the winding paths, through the large gardens that made up the center of the Taeme estate. “Hayle said there was a swing down here somewhere. I’m trying to imagine Hayle doing anything as gentle as swinging, and it just doesn’t seem natural.”
I walked silently beside Avalon as she spoke.
She was different, even to the girl I met back in Eaglehoth; she’d seemed so unsure of herself back then.
Now, she was happily talking about flowers and animals and the guys she seemed to have by the heartstrings.
Just like the epsirialle flowers she was pointing out, she seemed to have bloomed in the darkness.
We finally came across the infamous swing, just ropes through a large plank of wood, and she sat down happily. “We could probably both fit?” she suggested dubiously, with good reason. She’d have to sit in my lap for that to work, and I doubted my lap would behave itself, if that was the case.
“It’s fine, Avalon. I’ll stand.”
Kicking off with her feet, she swung gently. “I heard you talking with Baroness Taeme, about maybe not taking back the mantle of Baron when this is all over. Have you given much thought to what you might do instead?”
I tried not to smile. “Not particularly.”
She looked up at me, swinging back and forth. “But you’ll probably want to return home, right?”
“Perhaps, unless some other place calls to me more.” The bark of the tree at my back was rough, even through the fabric of my shirt. “Much like you, I imagine, Eaglehoth may be my homeland, but it never felt much like home.”
Sadness flitted across her face, but it was chased away just as fast. “We make an interesting group, don’t you think?
All sad creatures without a home. You, me, Vox—we’re all proof that people are far more important than bricks and mortar when it comes to finding your place.
Then there’s Lierick, whose whole Line lost their home, but made another together.
” Kicking off her shoes, she let her toes brush across the grass.
“I’m beginning to think that perhaps Hayle is the only well-adjusted one amongst us.
I had hope for you, though,” she teased.
“Sorry to disappoint,” I deadpanned back, and her soft laugh echoed around the night sky.
“Never a disappointment, Zier.” She hesitated, her mouth opening, but closing again just as quickly.
She continued to swing in the evening breeze, and I continued to watch her like she was the most fascinating being in the universe. In the shadowed lighting of the courtyard, she seemed even more ethereal.
“Zier, I—”
“Avalon—”
She laughed and shook her head. “You go first.”
Pushing off of the tree, I came to stand in front of her, gripping the ropes that kept the swing suspended.
“I’m not sure I can give you what they give you.
” The words tasted like missed opportunities, but I had to be honest with her.
What she had with Taeme and Vylan, even with Lierick, and all the sharing.
.. It didn’t feel like it could come naturally to me.
She blinked up at me with big eyes. “You don’t find me attractive?
I mean, it’s understandable, I don’t think I’m irresistible or anything.
I’m not sure how I got Hayle in the beginning, let alone Vox and Lierick.
I’m not saying I’m ugly either; I’m not fishing for compliments, but like, I’m not universally attractive, and you shouldn’t feel—”
I cut her off by kissing her. It was just a soft brush of my lips across hers, but it had the desired effect of making her self-deprecation stop. It had also the undesired effect of making me want to do it again. And again.
“You’re beautiful, and I want you more than I’ve wanted anyone in a long time. That’s not the problem.”
She tilted her head up at me, her lips still slightly parted, begging me to kiss her again. It took every ounce of my willpower to resist. “Then what is the problem?” she breathed.
“I’m far too old for you—”
She scoffed. “You aren’t that much older.”
“Nearly a decade.”
She waved a hand. “They marry off women to men three times as old as they are in my Line. Our age gap is nothing.”
I frowned down at her. “But are those women happy?”
She shrugged, like happiness was a byproduct and not the actual point. “Statistically, I’m sure some of them are.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I don’t think the relationship you’re building is one that I could be happy with. I’d want you all to myself, and that would create issues.”
I watched her face fall, like her heart was breaking, and I wanted to punch myself in the face. I’d happily let Vylan do it at his earliest possible convenience. She sucked in a deep breath, even as her shoulders curled in a little, and forced a smile. “That’s okay.”
“Avalon…”
She lifted a hand. “No, seriously. It’s okay.
I’m not conceited enough to think that having part of me would be enough for everyone, and I’d never give any of them up.
Why should I expect you to give up your dream of an ideal relationship for me?
” She stood, squeezing my arm. “Thank you for telling me. At least we can still be friends, right?”
The idea of being friends was like a knife through my chest. “Of course.”
As she disappeared down the path, I couldn’t help but feel like I’d made the greatest mistake of my life.