Chapter 18
Cole
Iallowed Jesse to drag me upstairs into the bathroom.
He shut the door behind us, turned on the shower, and came back to me.
Without a word he began to strip me out of my clothes.
And for some reason, I just stood there and allowed it.
Before long he was pulling me into the shower with him, his arms wrapping around me from behind as the hot water sprayed over us.
“Alright,” he said with a sigh. “The house is empty, the shower is on, and we’re all alone.” His hands crisscrossed over my chest, holding me tight. “Now will you please talk to me, Cole?”
I stood there, feeling his body pressed against mine, the water cascading over us both.
The warmth should have been comforting, but all I felt was panic rising in my chest. Talk to him?
About what? About how I’d just bent him over our father’s desk and fucked him senseless?
About how I couldn’t stop thinking about him no matter how hard I tried?
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I muttered, though I didn’t pull away from his embrace. I couldn’t bring myself to. Not anymore.
“Bullshit,” Jesse said, his breath hot against my neck. “You can’t keep doing this, Cole. You can’t keep fucking me and then acting like it disgusts you right after.”
His words hit me like a physical blow. I closed my eyes, letting the water run down my face.
“It’s not... it’s not disgust,” I finally admitted, my voice barely audible over the shower.
“Then what is it?” Jesse pressed, his arms tightening around me. “Because every time we’re together, you look at me afterward like you’ve committed some kind of crime.”
I swallowed hard, my throat tight. “Maybe I have.”
“No,” he said firmly, turning me around to face him. Water dripped from his eyelashes, his hazel eyes searching mine. “You haven’t done anything wrong. Neither of us has.”
I couldn’t hold his gaze, looking down at the water swirling around our feet instead. “You don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand,” he pleaded, his hand coming up to cup my cheek, forcing me to look at him. “Talk to me, Cole. For once in your life, just talk to me. I’m… I’m fucking tired of fighting, okay?”
The sincerity in his eyes broke something inside me. All the walls I’d built, all the defenses I’d constructed over the years… they all came crumbling down under the weight of his gaze.
“I’ve wanted you since I was nineteen,” I confessed, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. “Before you left. Before everything went to shit.”
Jesse’s eyes widened slightly, but he remained silent, giving me space to continue.
“I used to lie awake at night, listening to you through the wall,” I went on, my voice low and strained. “Knowing it was wrong. Knowing Dad would’ve disowned me if he ever found out.”
“Cole—”
“No, let me finish,” I cut him off, needing to get it all out now that the dam had broken.
“When you left, I thought maybe it would go away. I figured it was a teenage phase, something that I could bury it so deep it would never see the light of day. And for a while, it worked. I tried to date women. I tried to be normal. To be the son my father wanted.”
Jesse’s hand moved to my shoulder, his touch gentle.
“But then you came back,” I continued, my voice cracking slightly. “And it all came rushing back. Stronger than ever. And I... I couldn’t fight it anymore. Not when you were right there, in my house, walking around half-naked and looking at me with those beautiful eyes.”
The water ran down my face, mingling with what might have been tears. I couldn’t tell anymore. My chest felt tight, like something was trying to claw its way out after being caged for too long.
“I hate myself for wanting you,” I whispered, the words raw and painful. “I hate that I can’t control it. That I’m weak. That I’m exactly what those assholes in town would call me if they knew.”
Jesse’s hands framed my face, his thumbs brushing over my cheekbones. “You’re not weak, Cole. You’re the strongest person I know.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Strong? I just bent my stepbrother over our father’s desk and fucked him. That’s not strength. That’s... that’s...”
“That’s desire,” Jesse finished for me. “That’s connection. That’s two adults who want each other.”
“It’s wrong,” I insisted, but even to my own ears, the protest sounded hollow.
“Why?” Jesse challenged, his eyes never leaving mine. “Because we grew up in the same house? Because we shared a last name for a few years? We’re not blood, Cole. We never were. How many times do I have to say it?”
“It’s not just that,” I admitted, my voice breaking. “It’s... it’s everything. What would people say? What would happen to the ranch if anyone found out?”
“Fuck what people would say,” Jesse shot back, his grip on my face tightening slightly. “And fuck their opinions. This ranch is ours, not theirs.”
I closed my eyes, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze. “I don’t know how to do this, Jesse. I don’t know how to want you and not hate myself for it.”
“Then let me help you,” he said softly, his forehead coming to rest against mine. “Let me show you that it’s okay to want what you want. That you deserve to be happy.”
“Happy,” I repeated, the word feeling foreign on my tongue. “I don’t even know what that means anymore.”
Jesse’s hands slid down to my shoulders, then my chest, coming to rest over my pounding heart. “It means not fighting this anymore. It means accepting that whatever this is between us is clearly not going away.”
The water continued to cascade over us, steam rising around our bodies like a protective cocoon. In that moment, with Jesse’s skin against mine and his words filling my ears, I felt something shift inside me. A loosening of the chains I’d wrapped around my heart for so long.
“I’m scared,” I admitted, the confession tearing from somewhere deep inside me. My breath hitched. “I’m so fucking scared, Jesse.”
“Of what?”
“Of everything,” I said, my voice barely audible over the shower. “Of wanting you. Of losing you. Of what happens when you eventually leave again.”
“I’m not going to leave, Cole,” he whispered, his forehead pressed against mine. “Not if you want me to stay.”
“What about when you die?”
The question flew out of me before I could stop it. Jesse’s eyes snapped open, a sudden rush of understanding washing over his expression.
“Is… Is that what this is really all about?” he asked so softly I almost didn’t hear him.
I couldn’t respond right away. Jesse had cut straight through to the heart of everything I’d been avoiding. It wasn’t just about being stepbrothers or what people might think. It was about loss. About pain.
“Everyone leaves eventually,” I finally managed, my voice rough. “My mom died. Your mom died. Then you left. Then Dad...” I swallowed hard, the lump in my throat making it difficult to speak. “I can’t do it again, Jesse. I can’t let myself care about you just to lose you too.”
Jesse’s eyes softened, and I saw something there I hadn’t expected. Understanding. Deep and profound understanding.
“So you push people away before they can leave you,” he said quietly. “You’ve been doing it your whole life, haven’t you?”
I looked away, unable to hold his gaze. The water beat down on my shoulders, suddenly feeling too hot, too close.
“It’s safer that way,” I admitted.
Jesse’s hand moved to my jaw, gently turning my face back toward him. “Safer, maybe. But lonely as hell.”
I couldn’t argue with that. The ranch had been my entire life for fifteen years. I’d thrown myself into the work, into being the man my father wanted me to be, into survival. But connection? Real human connection? I’d pushed that away at every turn.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I whispered, my eyes meeting his. “I don’t know how to let someone in. I’m not even sure I want to.”
“Yes, you do,” Jesse insisted. “You’re doing it right now. Talking to me. Being honest about how you feel. That’s the first step.”
His thumb brushed across my lower lip, the touch so tender it made my chest ache.
“I’m not going anywhere, Cole,” he said, his voice steady and sure. “Not unless you tell me to leave. And even then, I might just be stubborn enough to stay anyway.”
Despite everything, I felt the corner of my mouth twitch upward. “You always were a pain in the ass.”
Jesse grinned, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of the boy he’d been before everything went wrong. “Some things never change.”
The shower continued to rain down on us, creating a private world where nothing existed but the two of us. I felt something unraveling inside me, years of tension and fear slowly loosening their grip.
“I don’t know what happens next,” I admitted, my hands moving to rest on his hips. “I don’t know what this makes us.”
“We don’t have to figure it all out right now,” Jesse said, leaning in until his lips were inches from mine. “We’ve got time.”
Time. The concept seemed foreign after years of living day to day, just trying to keep the ranch afloat. But he was right. We had time now. The ranch was doing better than it had in years. And Jesse was here, solid and real under my hands.
“Okay,” I whispered, the word feeling foreign on my lips. “But please don’t… don’t tell anyone, okay?”
Jesse’s smile faded slightly, his eyes searching mine. “Is that what you’re still worried about? What people will think?”
“Yes,” I admitted. “Hell Creek isn’t Seattle, Jesse. People talk. And they’re not all as understanding as you might hope.”
He nodded slowly, his hands sliding up my chest to rest on my shoulders. “I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.” Water ran down his face, making him look younger, more vulnerable. “So what are we then? Secret lovers? Friends with benefits? Stepbrothers with a complicated relationship?”
I winced at the last one. “Can we not use that word? Stepbrothers. It just... it makes this feel worse somehow.”
“Okay,” Jesse agreed, his thumbs tracing small circles on my skin. “No labels then. We’re just... us. Cole and Jesse. Whatever that means.”
Relief flooded through me at his understanding. I hadn’t expected him to give in so easily. The Jesse I remembered would have pushed and prodded, demanding definitions and clarity. He’d grown up a lot more than I thought.
“Thank you,” I whispered, resting my forehead against his.
“Don’t thank me yet,” he murmured, a hint of his usual mischief returning to his eyes. “I’m still going to make you work for it. Just because we’re keeping things private doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy for you.”
I couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped me. “Wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”
His lips curved into a smile as he reached behind me to shut off the water. “Come on. We should probably clean up the office before Evelyn gets back.”
Reality crashed back as I remembered what we’d done downstairs. “Shit. The desk.”
“And the floor,” Jesse added with a grin. “And possibly the wall.”
I groaned, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around my waist. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”
“A little,” he admitted, toweling off his hair. “The great Cole Nelson, finally losing control. It’s kind of hot, actually.”
I felt my cheeks heat up, and not from the steam of the shower. “Shut up.”
Jesse laughed, the sound light and genuine. “Make me.”
For the first time in my life, I didn’t fight the urge to reach for him. I pulled him against me, my mouth finding his in a kiss that was gentler than before, but no less intense. He melted into it, his body molding against mine as if it belonged there.
When we finally broke apart, he was breathless, his eyes wide with surprise. “Well,” he said, a little dazed. “That’s one way to shut me up.”
I found myself smiling, actually smiling, as I released him. “First thing that’s ever actually worked.”
Jesse gave me some serious side eye. “I’m gonna let you get away with that one. But just this once.”
Jesse’s laugh echoed off the bathroom walls, warming something inside me that had been cold for far too long.
“Come on,” I said, grabbing my clothes. “Let’s go clean up our mess.”