16. The Faulty Mind
16
The Faulty Mind
Darius
Once Antoinette finishes her story, we all sit there watching her.
She was straightforward in her telling, relaying the conversation and action without emotion, only stating the necessary information to get the point across.
I can’t see her face, but I don’t have to see her expression to know what’s there, hiding behind her neutral effect. Anger. Sadness
We’ve all witnessed many atrocities over our lifetime. Most of which were brutal and vicious. But I know enough about the human condition to acknowledge there are deeper hurts than the physical.
To have your emotions played with and your mind betray you. That is an entirely different beast.
I also know what I’m feeling and that it has no place here with her. So, I push my anger, sadness, and outrage down into that dark abyss to use as fuel later—revenge. Retribution.
I look to Lilith, catching her eye, and quickly glancing down at Antoinette. Lilith frowns and then nods, so I scoot forward in my chair, moving my feet forward, so she’s bracketed by the splay of my legs. I slide one arm across her front so my hand is gripping her opposite shoulder, and then my other hand moves to her head, my palm pressed against her forehead, pulling her back into me. She comes willingly, allowing me to support her, and I pull her head back so she’s staring up at me as I say, “This wasn’t your fault. This isn’t your fault.”
At first, she blinks up at me, but then she shakes her head, and my grip on her forehead tightens, stopping the movement. Leaning in even closer, I twist so I’m looking into her eyes as I continue, “I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling right now. The deep level of anger, sadness, and the sharp, gut-wrenching pain of betrayal. But it’s not your fault.”
She doesn’t attempt to break free of my grasp this time, but she does glare up at me, and the fire in her eyes makes me feel marginally better. “You’re right. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know how it feels to be betrayed by your own fucking body. By your own fucking brain. To have some fucking asshole fill your head full of nonsense, but there are so many holes in your memory that they just slot themselves in there like old friends. That’s the worst fucking part. Not being able to trust what’s real anymore—knowing that at the first sign of trauma, my brain just gives up. I just hand myself over to whoever may be standing there at the time with a handful of warm fucking memories. I am my biggest betrayal.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Antonio shift forward where he’s seated beside Lilith, but she places her hand on his leg. He glances at her, and she shakes her head, likely knowing that whatever exchange is going to go on between us needs to happen.
We’re staring at each other intently, both of us obviously waiting for the other one to speak, and then after a long moment, I respond, “The mind will do whatever it needs to do to protect itself.”
“What if I don’t want to be protected?”
I smile down at her, laughing softly. “Sometimes our brain misses the memo in what we want. Whether we like it or not, if it decides to go on standby while it works to fix itself, that’s just how it is.”
Her hands move to my forearm, still across her chest, and she turns her body more toward me as she whispers, “Then I have to remember all that other stuff as if all those good feelings were real. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin.”
“At the time, they were real. And that’s okay. As confusing and aggravating as it may be for you, sometimes you just have to let it be.”
“I don’t want to let it be. I want to reach in there with my fingers and scratch it from my memories. I want to reach down my own throat and scrape it from my guts and vomit it out so I don’t have to feel it anymore.”
“In time, you will,” I answer softly. “But you can’t force it. All you can do is remember that you’re alive, regardless of what that piece of shit had you believe over the last few months, you’re alive because of him.” She glares up at me, her fingertips digging into my arm, and when she goes to open her mouth, I shake my head and add, “I know, I know. Can he be thanked for one thing while being condemned for another? Seems it’s just another double-edged sword for us to fall on. You may think I’m a giant dickhead, but however it is that you came to be alive, I will always be grateful.”
Her features soften some, and her quick intake of breath is shuddering. She presses her trembling lips together, and her eyes lock with mine as she nods. “I understand. I mean, I’m grateful you’re alive.”
The room falls silent again, but then, Agatha says from her seat beside Lilith, “Are you gonna fucking cry?”
Antoinette immediately turns her glaring eyes on her sister as she says, “No, I’m not gonna fucking cry.”
Lilith jabs Agatha with her elbow, turning and giving her a dirty look, and she shrugs. “What? It’s a legitimate fucking question.”
Lilith shakes her head and turns to Antoinette. “You’re allowed to fucking cry. Ignore her. She’s obviously being a bitch again.”
Agatha makes an outraged sound, which Lilith ignores. Antoinette glares at her sister one more time and then turns her eyes back to Lilith. “I’m okay for now. I won’t even pretend to be capable of suppressing my emotions at this point.”
Lilith gives her a sympathetic smile then we all turn our attention to Tony, who’s now leaning forward in his own chair as he looks over at Antoinette. “Do you know who this Dmitri is?”
“He’s the man from the warehouse.”
Tony frowns at her, shaking his head. “ The warehouse?”
Antoinette laughs, genuine humor on her face. “I guess that doesn’t really clear it up, does it?”
Matt chuckles from his seat. “There sure have been a lot of fucking warehouses, so you might need to be a bit more specific.”
I release my grip on her forehead, moving my hand down so I’m hunched over her, hugging her with both arms. She leans back against me, her hands still gripping my forearms, her head leaning against my chest. Some tension melts off her. “Way back when I first met Lilith, remember she took me from that apartment? But then she left me in the limo, and those assholes came along and hijacked me.”
Everyone nods, or at least the people that were there. I glare at Lilith, who at least has the decency to grimace slightly, but then she shrugs, and Antoinette adds, “Remember how you guys came and got me out of there? And I told you there was a man there?”
Tony nods and replies, “Yup. You were adamant there had been someone there and they’d gotten away.”
“Exactly,” she replies quietly. “He had just started to explain to me what the fuck was going on when you guys came in, and then he vanished.”
“So that same guy is Dmitri?” Darius asks.
Antoinette nods. “I’m not sure if he realizes that I know this. I didn’t mention it in our brief exchange tonight, but I’m sure it’s him.”
“Well, isn’t that fucking annoying,” Tony mutters as he sits back in his chair. “We never did find any trace of him. I guess the question now is how he ended up being in the right spot to save you?”
Antoinette looks over to Camilla, who’s sitting on the floor on the far side of the room. “He’s the extra Darius.”
Camilla’s eyes widen. “That motherfucker.”
“How do you know this?” Darius asks.
“I scratched his face. They left scars.”
Lilith looks over at Matt and asks, “Was he alive?”
Matt nods and sighs. “Yes. Antoinette had done a fair job with basic field dressings.”
Antoinette smiles proudly. “I actually forgot I did that. Go me.”
Camilla gets to her feet, Kaian now standing beside her. “So, are we going to go find out what this fucker knows?”
Slowly, everyone stands, moving closer to Antoinette, who’s still seated at my feet. We all wait, knowing that whatever we do next will be her decision. She moves to stand, and I shift, assisting her to her feet. She looks as tired as I feel, the sun now shining through the large windows, proving it’s full daylight. Agatha reaches a hand out, touching her arm lightly. “Tell us what we’re doing.”
Antoinette gives her a sheepish look and responds, “I know you all want to go down there and get this shit sorted right now, but I’ve really got something else I need to do first.”
Lilith frowns, glancing over at Antonio, who has a matching expression. “Whatever you want. Just tell us what’s up.”
“I’m fucking starving.”
Agatha laughs loudly, immediately turning and heading out of the room. “Thank fucking God. Me, too.”