Chapter 38 #3
I’d missed my period at the beginning of this month, which wasn’t unusual for me on this birth control, but I’d been thinking about it. Now that I was here, the thoughts were stronger, more irrational.
What if?
What if? What if? What if?
What would happen if I didn’t listen to everything my brain said?
Something bad. Exactly what I’m afraid of will happen.
I knelt on the floor in front of the dresser and pulled open the bottom drawer, feeling around under piles of thrifted t-shirts for the stash of dollar-store pregnancy tests I’d kept in here growing up.
My heart started pounding harder and my palms were clammy as my fingers brushed one of the boxes.
There had been so many nights where I’d tiptoed to the bathroom with one of these hidden under my pajamas, a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes as I peed on the stick to make sure I wasn’t pregnant.
I’d take it to school the next day and throw it away there so neither of my parents would find it in the home trash can.
Someone at school saw me stuffing the box in the trashcan once, but I didn’t care about that.
I had bigger problems—the actual pregnancy test. There wasn’t space in my brain to care about one of my classmates seeing me throwing out a pregnancy test when my brother was fucking me every weekend he came home from college.
I slipped quietly into the bathroom and tugged down my skirt and tights and underwear, then sat down.
Holding the box with trembling hands, I searched for the instructions, even though I already knew what to do.
It’d just been a while. I noticed the manufacturing date, which made me pause and pull my phone out.
Per the internet, this pregnancy test was now shit and wouldn’t give me an accurate result. It was expired.
Whatever.
I peed then capped the test and laid it flat on the counter.
There was no reason for me to do this, really.
Mason said he couldn’t get me pregnant, and neither could Micah.
Missing a period would be for another reason.
But my brain was beyond irrational, running in the most insane nonsensical loops, triggered so strongly by Anthony’s presence that I was incapable of thinking logically about anything else.
The sight of the shower in my peripheral vision was only adding to my anguish.
I remembered trying to scrub myself clean each time after Anthony dropped me off back at home, then getting screamed at by our father for increasing the water bill.
I just had to stand there and let him yell at me, wet hair soaking my t-shirt and making my teeth chatter.
As the timer on my phone counted down to zero, I grabbed the cheap pregnancy test and stared at the tiny window.
Only one line.
Okay.
Not pregnant.
I washed my hands again and took the test with me inside the box, then hid it in my purse. My mother was wiping the counters when I went back into the kitchen.
“I think I’m going to head out soon,” I said, quiet enough that no one on the couch would be able to hear me.
“Your father isn’t going to like that.”
“He wants me to stay and watch the entire football game? For what reason?”
“He thinks it would be nice if you spent some time with your family. We hardly ever see you—not to mention how long it’s probably been since Anthony last saw you.”
I highly doubt he wants me here because he wants to spend time with me. It’s because he’s a controlling piece of shit who thinks everyone is always disrespecting him, and you know that.
“Well, I don’t feel good. I think I’m getting sick.”
She pursed her lips, then sighed. “I don’t know, Dakota.”
“You don’t believe me?”
“No—I do. You’ve been acting weird since you got here, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize you weren’t feeling well.” She tucked her hair behind her ears. “And of course I don’t want you to stay and socialize if you need rest. I just know he’s going to be unhappy.”
“How unhappy?”
She leveled me with a look, but her eyes were glossy. “You’re lucky he can’t hear you right now.”
“Mom,” I started. “I love you, but I’m not staying. I’m really sorry. I’m just going to leave. I can’t be here anymore.”
“Alright. Fine.” She waved her hands, ignoring my outstretched arms.
“Hug goodbye?” I questioned tentatively, feeling awkward as she turned away.
“I don’t want to get sick.”
Fine.
I didn’t say another word. Not to her, or to anyone else in the house.
Walking as fast as I could, I darted out the front door and down the steps, already hearing the shouts of my father starting up as the door slammed loudly behind me.
I increased my pace, jogging until I got to the next trailer over, then stepped behind it so I was out of sight, heart pounding, tears stinging in my eyes.
It was so stupid. Such a stupid and pointless interaction. I wasn’t sure what I’d even been hoping for, but my mother would always be influenced by him first. Never me, never herself.
I pulled out my phone to text Mason and ask him to pick me up.
“Dakota!” an angry voice screamed into the cold air. I kept quiet. “Hey!” More silence. “Ungrateful fucking bitch!”
I flinched.
The door slammed shut again.