Chapter 5
NOAH
Being back in my hometown has my head spinning.
I’d intended to stay with Sage, but there’s no way that’s happening now.
That plan is all fucked because I’d tossed and turned after what went down with Rhett.
I can’t be at Lilac Meadows. It’s simply too close to Rhett’s family ranch for comfort.
The idea that he’s right next door, that I can spot their roof from Sage’s guest room … no. I simply can’t. It’s not happening.
So this morning, I called my mom and asked if I could stay with them instead.
I felt bad at first, but Sage actually encouraged it when she saw the state I was in.
Letting out a ragged sigh, I pull to a stop in my parents’ driveway.
Through the open car window, I breathe in the familiar perfume of my mother’s prize peonies and Dad’s freshly cut lawn.
Instant calm settles the anxiety and smothers the regrets of my past.
I told myself that leaving the life I had behind would be worth it when the music venues filled to capacity. But I was wrong, I miss this place.
Heaving out a heavy breath, I glance in the rearview at the reflection of the woman I’ve become.
The country music star. The one everyone wants a piece of.
I always thought this was what I wanted—this was my dream.
But has it been worth it? That’s the question I only dare ask myself late at night, in the privacy of my own mind.
And even then, I try not to dwell on it too much because I’m scared as shit of the answers I’ll find.
As I step from my Mercedes, a ray of sun hits my ring, making it sparkle in the bright light.
Time to plaster a smile on my face. I can’t let on that my life is anything but perfect.
My heart stutters, skipping a beat. Every time I think about Bradley, those fucking wedding bells toll so loudly in my head that I wonder if they aren’t issuing me a warning—urging me to pay attention.
My career and my fiancé are waiting for me back in LA.
And Rhett—as much as it’s a bitter pill to swallow—has moved on.
It’s my fault. I never wanted to be the girl who gave up her dreams for a man.
So, to prove a point to myself that I could have it all, I chased the high.
But then, things took an unexpected turn, and I’m out of fucking options.
Follow through or lose the only thing I have left.
At first, pride kept me from running back home with my tail between my legs, begging forgiveness from those I left behind.
And now, contracts bind me to a man who has attached himself to my public image to boost his already-inflated ego.
I’m at the height of my career, but I’ve barely seen a dime.
If I’d had any sense, I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess.
On top of those worries, the harsh words I exchanged with Rhett last night have opened a wound I thought I’d sewn shut long ago.
Turns out, I had only put a Band-Aid on a bullet hole.
It’d taken a mere look. A touch. The familiar taste of him …
and all the feelings I thought I’d abandoned came racing back, nearly knocking me on my ass.
My head is a mixed-up mess. I shouldn’t have let that happen, should have known better.
Hot tears sting the back of my eyes. I’ve been over every last detail of what transpired with Rhett …
and only one thought has been playing in my head on a never-ending loop.
What the fuck have I done? Before I completely unravel, the front door of my parents’ home bangs open, and my mother hurries onto the porch, then races down the steps to greet me.
She throws her arms wide, looking me up and down.
“Noah, you’re a sight for sore eyes. How’s my beautiful girl?
” She touches a hand to my wavy tresses, then the other to my cheek as she looks me over.
“Stop, Mama,” I breathe out. Being in her comforting presence again is too much, and for a split second, my smile slips. I’m glad I still have sunglasses on, but I don’t know whether I’m more concerned about disguising the hangover I’m rocking or hiding everything else that’s weighing on me.
“I won’t ever stop. You’ve really made something of yourself, and I’m so proud of you.”
I shrug, wondering if she sees beyond the expensive haircut and clothing to what lies beneath. “It’s good to be home.” I wrap my arms around her, suddenly very aware that my body is trembling. Gesturing to the car, I pull away. “Lemme get Blue outta the back.”
She cracks a smile. “You still totin’ that old thing around? Don’t you have a million guitars at this point?”
I tug the door open with a smile, lifting the very first guitar I ever owned from the seat—the one Rhett bought for my sixteenth birthday way back in high school. Before my dreams had become reality. And definitely before everything fell apart.
Get yourself together, Noah. I exhale hard, then put my sunglasses on top of my head. No more hidin’.
“Come on now!” Mom takes one of my bags from the car then hands me the other before throwing an arm around my shoulder.
She tugs me toward the house and leans in to put a noisy kiss on my cheek.
As we begin to walk the distance to the porch, she shakes her head, laughing.
“I don’t know what Sage has planned, but she asked me if she could quickly rearrange the furniture in the den when she gets here. Any idea what that’s all about?”
“Nope.” I shrug. “You know Sage. She loves a good surprise, so she kept me in the dark about whatever she’s got up her sleeve.”
“Okay, well, let’s get your things inside and let you get settled into your room. I’m so excited you decided to stay here.”
I squeeze her to me. “I just missed you and Daddy and figured it’d be good for me.
” There’s no way I could ever tell them the real reason I’m not staying at Sage’s as planned.
They thought the world of Rhett … and it wouldn’t be fair to lay my mess at their feet.
Besides, I wouldn’t know what to say about any of it.
Not the argument. Not the insanity of the kiss.
And definitely not the ocean of regret I’m currently drowning in.
She nods. “It’ll be good for us, too. We’ve missed you.
” We climb the porch steps arm in arm, and the moment I cross the threshold, I draw in a deep breath.
There wasn’t a day that went by that my heart didn’t yearn to be back here.
Picking up my suitcase, I gesture to the stairs. “I’m just going to unpack.”
“Noah.” My mother draws my attention, and I pause, glancing over my shoulder. Her eyes soften. “I’m glad you and Sage are still so close. I’m looking forward to seeing her today.” As she finishes, her voice is wistful. “That girl sure has been through a lot this year.”
“I know, Mama.” Unsure which details my mother is aware of, I stop there.
Sage’s business is her own, and she’s only given me the CliffsNotes version, anyway.
Kade had been with her when she came to visit me, so we hadn’t had the time to get into it.
I’ll have to make the most of today with her and steal whatever moments we can during dress shopping tomorrow.
Maybe we’ll get a chance to talk—both for her sake and for mine.
After last night, she’s itching to get the lowdown on what went on between me and Rhett outside Boozin’ Boots.
By the time Kade had driven us back to Lilac Meadows, I needed to decompress.
I shoot my mother a tight yet happy smile, then heft my bag onto my shoulder, and proceed to the second floor to my childhood bedroom.
At the threshold, I suck in a breath as my eyes drift over familiar belongings.
The entire room is decorated in shades of purple, and an explosion of teenage memorabilia.
Everything is right where it was when I took off to California—favorite books, a vase full of dried flowers, and other mementos that’d been important to my younger self.
My gaze shifts to a wall plastered with all the photos I couldn’t bear to take when I left, knowing they would keep me living in the past. They would have been a reminder of what—and who—I was leaving behind.
Studying everything now is like opening a time capsule, or maybe more like agonizing over an old scar.
With my breath hitching, I press my lips together, eyes scanning over one image after another: a family trip to see Old Faithful, too many birthday celebrations to count, my cheerleading days, and middle school dances.
A pang of longing for simpler times twists in my chest as I complete the tour of my past. I tilt my head to the side, studying a photo of Sage and me, then one of my prize-winning lamb from a 4H competition.
Graduation. And most painfully … reminders of Rhett and me. More images than I can handle.
I’m caught up in a whirlwind of memories so hazy and surreal they make my heart twinge with regret.
At the very center of it all, there’s a selfie of the two of us looking so in love, I can’t catch my breath.
We took it the day he proposed. The day I promised to be his everything. And at the time, I meant it.
I was happy once. Before I chose Rhett’s happiness over my own.
Every photograph taped to this wall, I’ve stared at for hours and days on end, imagining our future together. Yet here I stand, bleeding at the reminder of every last thing I left behind. One thing is perfectly clear: The consequences of past decisions will always have the power to hurt me.
I never should have looked, never should have forced myself down memory lane. My jaw clenches, and I reach out, snatching one of the photos off the wall. Tears well, the ache inside my heart worsening. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tear it clean in two. Dammit.
At the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor outside the door I left open, I quickly swallow down the rogue emotion I never wanted to feel again.
I miss Rhett. The reality is … I love him now. I’ll love him always.
From the moment I returned to Black River, I’ve been confronted by everything I wanted but left in the dust. Rhett thinks I just left him … but there’s more to it than that.
I thought going to LA on my own was the right decision, that I was protecting him from being forced to choose. He doesn’t see it the same way. But losing him left a gaping wound I’m terrified won’t ever close.
I’ve seldom seen Rhett so fucking angry. Never has he looked at me the way he did last night. Whirling around, I drag a breath into my lungs.
“Noah?” My mother’s voice is soft. Questioning.
My eyes burn until I can hardly see in front of me. With a sniffle, I rub a hand over my face. “Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t hear you come upstairs.”
She’s quiet for a moment, but then murmurs cautiously, “Do you want to talk about it?”
I quickly shake my head and force a smile to my lips. “No. That’s okay.”
She gathers me into the fiercest of hugs. “I’m your mother. You can tell me anything. No judgment.”
“I’m fine. Promise.” But I can’t stop a tear from slipping down my cheek. Easing back, she searches my eyes, and I know she’d be aware coming home isn’t easy. Fuck it.
Swiping my tongue over my suddenly dry lips, I let a shudder of regret run through my bones. I shake my head, eyes stinging as I hold the two halves of the photograph out to show her.
Who knew looking into the rearview at the life I lived before fame upended everything would be so painful. I push out a hard exhale. “I’m so happy to be home. But it’s jarring. Wasn’t expecting to be emotional about it.”
“It’s okay to feel however you do.” She pauses to glance from the remnants of the photo in my hand to the place on the wall it used to occupy.
“You wouldn’t be the girl I raised if all this weren’t tugging on your heartstrings.
I’m sure planning this wedding has been bringing up lots of old feelings.
Rhett was your first love, Noah. But that doesn’t mean he has to be your last.”
I nod, then hurry over to my desk. One last glance at the man I threw away is all I allow myself before I stash the torn photo in the drawer and slap it shut.
She shakes her head, giving me an understanding smile. “The journey I took to find happiness with your daddy was riddled with potholes. It’s normal.” Years of experience shine in her eyes.
What would she think if she knew my potholes were more like fucking craters?
“You’ll figure things out. Think about all you have going for you.
You’ve got this flourishing music career that’s growing faster than a weed in summer.
I’m happy you’ve followed your dreams, Noah.
That’s important because being unfulfilled is no way to live.
” She cocks her head to the side, eyeing me carefully.
“And now you’re taking the next steps in your personal life, too. These are exciting times.”
“Exciting but tedious.” I’ll let her think some of this is about wedding planning. I don’t want to burden her with the rest. I stick out my tongue and scrunch my nose until she laughs.
“Weddings are a lot of work. But soon all the planning will be over, so try to enjoy it. You’re on your way to the rest of your life. If I can help with anything at all”—she pauses, her eyes flicking to the dresser drawer—“even if it’s not wedding related, if you just need someone to listen …”
Shit. Do I let her think this is all about Rhett and the wedding planning? Inwardly I wince, knowing there’s no way I would ever tell my mother what’s really wrong. It’s too much, too heavy.
Always one to read my moods correctly, she pats my arm.
“Oh, honey, I’m not trying to pry. But I don’t think I’m wrong when I say marriage wasn’t something you really wanted.
” She sighs. “I thought you were ready to settle down before. And then you broke things off.” Stepping closer, she cups my cheeks in her palms. “Noah, I don’t know what happened before you left, but I hope you’ll be happy.
” She pauses with a sigh. “Bradley seems nice enough via videochat, but I’ll be less concerned when I’m certain you’re content—with your career as well as the upcoming wedding.
If you’re happy, I’m happy for you.” She offers me the smile she’s always reserved for those times she senses I’m a little off-kilter … and that I am.
“Mom, don’t.” Does she want me to acknowledge that I might have had a good life with Rhett? How will that help me now?
It makes my heart trip when I open my mouth and nothing but lies spill out. “I love Bradley. I love my life in LA.”