19. Nolan
19
NOLAN
It was just grocery shopping but I felt like the luckiest guy in the world. Walking up and down the aisles with Lilah made me feel normal, like we were any other couple out to do the shopping for the week instead of… whatever we actually were.
I wasn’t stupid enough to think Lilah had forgiven me — or any of us — for what we’d done to her in high school. The heart and the body weren’t the same thing, and just because Lilah had given me her body didn’t mean her heart was along for the ride.
I didn’t blame her. Rafe had had his own reasons for what he’d done — reasons that were his to explain — but they didn’t justify the fact that Jude and I had gone along with it.
Nothing would ever justify that.
I just hoped Lilah would give me time to make it up to her. A lot of time. Because in the deepest part of my heart, I already knew I didn’t want to let her go.
We filled our cart with fresh fruit and vegetables, thick steaks and chicken for Jude’s curried chicken salad, plus yogurt and ice cream. We even added a shit ton of snacks, which Rafe would bitch about but eat when no one was looking.
We were both starving by the time we loaded the Rover with the bags and headed to Cassie’s Cuppa for pastries and more coffee.
I held Lilah’s hand in the car, feeling sappy and domestic, wondering what the actual fuck was happening to me that just holding a woman’s hand could make me feel lovesick.
Maybe it was because we’d almost lost her. Maybe it was because we were settling into a dynamic that — finally — wasn’t hostile. Whatever the reason, I wanted it to continue for as long as possible.
I pulled up to the curb outside of Cassie’s and opened the door for Lilah, but when I reached for her hand, she shoved it in her pocket.
“Everything okay?” I asked, stopping near the door, out of the flow of pedestrian traffic on the sidewalk.
She nodded. “I just… There’ll be people in there I know. People who knew me in… in high school.”
And then I understood. Lilah couldn’t be seen holding my hand. Not here. Not when some of the people inside Cassie’s might have been on the receiving end of the pictures we’d texted to everybody in high school.
It was bad enough to be walking around town with one of the guys who’d leaked her nudes. How would it look if we were holding hands? I knew how the world worked. No one would be talking about what fucking assholes we were for doing what we did — they’d all be talking about Lilah, about how she must not have any self-respect.
My heart sank and my stomach twisted. This was what Lilah had been dealing with for the past five years. Not just her private shame but the shame of knowing that anywhere she went in Blackwell Falls, there might be someone who’d seen her naked.
No wonder she’d worked one town over. No wonder she’d barely left her apartment.
“Fuck.” I rubbed the corner of my mouth with my thumb and had to force myself not to pull her into my arms. “Fuck.”
She looked up at me. “I’m sorry. I just… I just can’t. Not here.”
She was everything.
Everything.
And we’d destroyed her.
No, that wasn’t right. Nothing could destroy her. She was too strong for that. But we’d come close. We’d made her fight for her life, and I would never, ever, fucking forgive myself for being the dumbass punk I’d been in high school.
My chest tightened with emotion. “You don’t have a fucking thing to apologize for. Not a fucking thing. I’m sorry. So…” I drew in a breath, felt my eyes sting. “I’ll never be able to tell you how fucking sorry I am, Lilah.”
She nodded. “I know. And I know it might not seem like it, but that… well, that helps.”
It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough.
“Would a shit ton of pastries help even more?” I was trying to lighten the mood, because I wasn’t entirely sure I wasn’t going to start bawling like a fucking baby.
Her smile was sweet and a little sad. A fucking gut punch.
“They can’t hurt.”
I reached for the door and opened it for her. “Coming up.”
Cassie’s was packed with students on their way to classes at Aventine and locals on their way to work. We took our place at the back of the line and a moment later the alarm on my phone went off.
I did a quick calculation. We’d be home in less than an hour. Plenty of time to take my first dose of insulin for the day.