Chapter 35
Hemlock
My brain has been on overdrive for days, and although I know that there will come a moment when it breaks, taking control and doing what it needs to survive beyond my control, today is not going to be that day.
I'm still in the big spoon position with Zara, the gun held near her waist but pointed at the door when it opens.
I was in a dead sleep but still somehow cognizant of any threat or danger that may come our way.
With Zara's calming power, I feel nearly nothing when I see Cerberus MC president Kincaid step into the room.
I know we haven't been resting long. I still feel like I've been hit by a truck, having not given my body much time to recover after being stabbed. I also know that Ace had to have called him before I tried calling and had to leave a message.
Kincaid was called before I drove over to Zara's house and forced her to come here with me.
Kincaid, unaffected by the gun pointing in his direction, wordlessly takes a seat in the chair, his eyes assessing the entire situation. I have the utmost respect for the man. The world would be a much better place if we had about a million more of him.
"I guess we need to talk," he says in a whisper, respecting the fact that Zara is still asleep in my arms.
Before I can answer, Hound, my mentor, the man I respect most in this world, walks into the room.
He doesn't frown or have a look of disappointment on his face, but that doesn't stop a hint of shame from tangling with the multitude of other emotions swimming around inside of me. I know how all of this looks. I was a Marine. I know that going head-to-head with any sort of supervisor is seen as great disrespect. I know I probably should've handled things differently, starting with not even bringing her here, but I knew I could protect her at home base.
Zara shifts in her sleep, her body rolling over so she can press her nose into my neck, and I swear on everything, it's the greatest feeling in the world. I could list off a million and one different things we could do right now if we didn't have an audience.
I clear my throat, looking down at her as she blinks up at me.
"Hey," she whispers.
"Maybe Zara should come with me," Hound says, startling her and making her aware we aren't alone in the room.
She sits up in a rush, positioning her body between mine and them. "Who are you?"
Kincaid smiles at her defensiveness, and I feel my own cheek twitch with pride.
I know I'm not in the clear where she's concerned, but at least she isn't begging them for help.
I didn't know if she was going to try and escape when we laid down or if she was really concerned with how tired I looked. I guess I have my answer.
"I'm not leaving," she says. "Anything you say to him you can say in front of me."
With a wince from the pull in my side, I sit up, placing my chin on her shoulder so I can speak softly in her ear.
"I trust these men with my life," I assure her. "Go grab some breakfast upstairs."
She shifts so she can look me directly in the eyes. "You're sure?"
God, I wish they'd just disappear for a few minutes so I could kiss the hell out of her. Although I find it rather difficult not to lean in and brush my lips across hers, I won't lessen that moment by having our first kiss in front of strangers.
"I'm sure," I tell her, pushing a wayward strand of hair behind her ear.
She looks disheveled and messy, and it only makes me want to mess her up even more. Jesus, this woman drives me insane in the best and worst ways.
She cups my cheek, a loving touch that feels a little too intimate to happen right now, but that doesn't stop her from leaning in and pressing her lips to the dimple in my cheek before climbing off the bed.
She looks back at me before leaving the room as if she's not certain she's doing the right thing, but I dip my head in assurance, watching as Hound pulls the door closed behind him, leaving Kincaid and me alone in the room.
My eyes dart to the fire alarm on the ceiling, making me realize in all my haste to protect her last night and my inability to resist the pull to her in the bed, I never disabled the damn camera.
"I had Ace cut the feed," Kincaid says as if the man can read my mind. "We aren't being recorded."
Instead of speaking further, he waits for me to speak, but I don't even know where to begin. After several moments of complete silence, he throws me a bone and speaks.
"You said in the message you left that you have a question." He shifts on the chair, leaning forward so he can rest his elbows on his knees. "I think I know what you want to ask, and the answer would be no."
I knew it was a risk to call him, to think that maybe I haven't completely fucked everything up, but his words tell me that there was no need for hope. I think I knew it deep in my gut, that the way I acted, and the things I've done, were past the point of no return. I turn and sit on the side of the bed, hating that I put this man in this position in the first place, but I also know although I could've handled some things a little differently, the outcome would still be the same.
I'd still fight for her. I'd still walk away from everything here in order to be with her, to protect her, to have just a little more time with her.
"I understand," I say, looking him in the eye because that's the level of respect he deserves.
"I don't think you do," he says in an even tone. "You were going to ask if you could come back to New Mexico."
I dip my head. The man has always had an uncanny ability to know what others are thinking. It's what makes him such a good boss.
"Everything has changed."
"I know it has," he says, giving me a wry smile. "I'd hoped it would."
I lock eyes with him.
"She changed everything for me. She's... different."
"A good woman has a way of doing that," he says, and I know he's thinking about his wife of many years, Emmalyn.
"If I can't go back to New Mexico to live with all the happy people," I tell him, trying not to sound insulting to the couples there, "then I'm going to have to resign from Cerberus."
I never wanted it to come to this. Hell, I don't really want to go back to New Mexico. I know my life won't be all sunshine and rainbows if Zara chooses to stay with me. I'm just not the type to grin and laugh while playing in the pool or tell a joke while standing at the barbeque grill, but there are rules about the jobs here in East Tennessee, making it impossible to stay here.
"I don't accept your resignation," he says, leaning back in the chair and crossing his arms over his chest.
"I can't stay here and have her too."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Your rules--"
"Ace's rules," he clarifies.
" The rules," I say because at the end of the day, they're in place and it doesn't matter who set them up. "I can't be connected to anyone, and I won't walk away from her."
"You're needed here," Kincaid says as if it's that simple.
I run frustrated hands over the top of my head, wanting to stand and shake the man because the situation doesn't seem to be sinking in for him.
"I won't give her up."
"And I'm not asking you to. The rules are what have to change. Do you remember that first meeting when I spoke about this new group?"
I nod. "You urged anyone with ties to someone to think really hard about asking to move here."
"I never insisted you couldn't have connections, just that anyone wanting to come took into consideration what kind of position that put your loved ones in. Ace insisted on not having ties."
"But he's--"
"The liaison between Cerberus and ICE," Kincaid clarifies. "The contract you're working through is with Cerberus, not with ICE. You're Cerberus, Pax, not ICE."
A wave of possibilities washes over me, and I do my best to not let it get too big. Is there a chance I can still be one of the good guys here in Tennessee and have her by my side?
"So you're okay with all of this?"
"I think it's a bad look for a Cerberus member to kidnap someone and hold them hostage, and I was planning on having a very serious conversation with you about it, but then I stepped in here and saw how protective she was over you, and I no longer think the direction that conversation was going to go is valid. It's clear she cares for you."
"And what about her staying with me while I continue to work?"
"There's a lot of good we do, Pax, and sometimes a little distance is necessary, but it's inhumane to ask someone not to love others. I know with your repertoire you might think you don't deserve it, but you're a good man. You wouldn't be on one of my teams if I had any doubt about that."
I always wondered how I slipped past their extensive vetting process and figured that Hound maybe had a hand in my invite to the group. Knowing Kincaid saw something in me I've always struggled to see makes me hold my burden-heavy head a little higher.
"If the two of you are together, we just have to make sure your job assignments are a little different," Kincaid says as if it's no big deal.
I fought my attraction to her, fought against it both for what it meant for the job and personally, and it was nothing but a waste of time. It was always going to work out this way because, for the first time in my life, I had no power to control what was happening.
"Ace isn't going to like this," I mutter but I feel a million pounds lighter having this conversation with him.
"Why don't you let me worry about Ace," he says as he stands. “With all of that out of the way, we have a lot to discuss.”