Chapter 2
D orothy held herself together as she left, though she did not know how.
The coldness of the night air against her skin soothed her a little, but all that she could think about was how desperately her family needed her to succeed.
Her father blamed all three ladies in his life; his wife never gave him an heir, his oldest daughter brought shame on the household, and his youngest…
Well, she had never done anything that he could be proud of.
She was nobody of interest, she thought as she hid among the plants.
They were the only things that brought her real peace.
If she had been a man, and the heir that her father had always wanted so terribly, she would have been able to study botany at a university and been able to expand on her passions, but she was not.
The most that she could do was read books about plants and learn about them herself.
It was not an awful way to be, and she was grateful that she had at least been allowed to read, but she wanted more.
Perhaps, when she was married, she would have even that taken from her.
She had gone to the gardens for some air, and for some quiet, but the night was too silent and the air was too cold.
She wrapped her hands around her arms and bowed her head into her chest, taking deep breaths.
It was an unbecoming way to stand, but her mask was on and she hoped that nobody would care even if they did see her.
She was vaguely aware of the fact that she was alone, but for a brief moment she was pleased with that.
It was thrilling, in a way, to know that she had done something for herself in what she was quite certain was the first time in her life, rather than leaving herself at the mercy of her father.
Then she heard rustling behind her.
She had expected it to be a rabbit, or perhaps even a snake, though that that was not as likely. What she had not expected, as her head tilted up and her hand flew to her bosom, was an enormous bear.
Startled, she froze in place and had no choice but to look at what was before her.
Fortunately, before she gained the capacity to scream, she saw that it had only been a trick of the light.
In the darkness, the figure had seemed to be a beast, but now that she was truly looking she saw that it was simply a very large man, wearing a brown suit and a bear mask.
She felt like such a fool.
Laughing nervously, she took a moment to catch her breath, all the while eyeing the man carefully.
"My apologies," he said in a deep voice. "I did not mean to scare you."
"Then why on Earth did you come through a bush like that?"
"I… I do not have a decent response to that."
"Surely there was something that made you do it? Gentlemen do not typically make appearances using such means, as far as I am aware."
"No, they do not."
They fell into silence for a moment, and she truly studied him.
He was taller than any man she had ever seen, and broader and more muscular than was liked in polite society.
She wondered if he was not a member of the ton at all, and was using the event as a way to cause trouble. In a way, she hoped that he was.
"I was avoiding someone," he explained suddenly.
"Dare I ask who?"
"You may ask, but I doubt that I can tell you."
"Whyever not? I do not know who you are, nor do you know who I am, and so what is the harm?"
He chuckled, a dark and gravelly sound, and he shook his head.
"If you must know, there are people in there that would very much like to find me. I had hoped that with this disguise I could avoid such a dreadful fate, but it appears that other men do not look like me."
"No," she whispered, "no, they do not."
Though she could not see his face, she swore that he was grinning.
"And why are you out here?" he asked.
Dorothy bit her lip. She did not want to answer, but it was not as though she could keep her tongue held when she had pressed him in the first place.
"I cannot say," she replied sheepishly.
"Come, now, that is hardly fair," he said gently, taking a step toward her. "You cannot expect me to divulge such private information and receive nothing in return."
Her heart pounded just looking at him. He was enormous, and he towered over her in a way that should have frightened her but instead only served to excite.
She was alone with a man in the dark, and anyone could have seen them at any moment and she would have been ruined, a lifetime of building a reputation gone in an instant.
It was precisely what she wanted.
She sighed, knowing that she never had been one to flirt. She had never tried, as she knew it would only lead to embarrassment. There was no use in making an attempt.
"Why do you sigh?" he asked.
"Because I am running out of hope," she replied, laughing emptily. "I have never been able to decide anything for myself, and now my life is to be over before it has truly begun."
"Why is that?"
"Because my father hates me."
She did not want to tell him the truth of the matter, but that was the crux of it.
"And that is why you are out here?"
"Yes, I– I needed a moment to myself."
"And I am intruding on that. Is that it?"
"Yes. No. Oh, I do not know. I do not know anything. I have never been any good at thinking. That is probably why nobody has ever let me. I simply wish that I could have done something with my life. Do you know what I mean? Of course you do not. You are a man."
"I understand more than you might think, Miss."
She looked at him, studying his frame once more.
He stood tall, no trace of anything such as fear or nerves.
If she had to guess, she would have said that he had been given anything he wanted all his life, and nobody had ever dared refuse him.
She knew as much, because she knew that if he wanted something from her she would not have questioned it.
"You do not understand what it is to be a young lady that will soon be married to a man you do not know. You do not know what it means to be going from one prison to another, destined to never be good enough."
"Do you truly believe you are not good enough? Has your betrothed said that?"
"No, but he will. I am yet to meet him, and I already know that he will hate me. I am not pretty, or interesting, or the perfect lady. He will loathe me entirely, and the blame is entirely mine for that."
He took another step toward her, and gently raised his hand to her face so her mask was between his finger and thumb.
"That is a pretty ring on your finger," he commented.
"Yes, it is beautiful. He must be a very wealthy man, with extraordinary expectations that I shall never meet."
"Perhaps you should let him be the judge of that?"
"I already know."
He chuckled, raising her mask slightly from her face. His cool fingertips brushed her warm cheek and sent a strange feeling to her chest. His eyes met hers, a startling shade of pale green, and suddenly her breath became staggered.
"If you could do anything," he asked, stopping where he was, "what would you do?"
"I- I would… I would very much like to learn about botany."
It was a foolish thing to say, and she felt quite ridiculous for having said it. She could have said something wild, and interesting, but she had simply talked about plants again.
"I studied botany," he replied quietly.
She froze in place. She wondered if he was toying with her, as it was not possible that she had been so fortunate as to meet someone who cared about plants as much as she did.
"At a university?"
"Indeed. My father was furious, but it hardly mattered. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I learned a lot."
"I could only dream of that. You are very fortunate."
"I suppose I am, yes. I suspect your husband will be willing to find books for you, though. You can learn that way, though it is no comparison to having a tutor and the rest of it."
"I certainly hope so."
"And, if that is the case, that means that you can choose to do something else that you dream of. Something reckless. You are telling me that you have no control, and that you are unable to do what you want, and so I will ask you again. If you could do anything, what would it be?"
Her heart pounded, and she longed to return to the safety of the ballroom. He was making her think dangerous thoughts, and it was too great a risk to do that. If she was ruined, and her betrothed refused to marry her because of it, she would never have been able to forgive herself.
And yet, she wanted to revel in how she was feeling. She wanted to do something awful and devilish and risk her reputation. She had only ever done what was expected of her, and it had never been enough, so what had it been for? What was the use in trying?
"I would want to be kissed," she whispered without thinking. "I would want to do something that I never would have been allowed to do, and something that terrifies me. I shall soon have every part of myself taken from me, and before that happens I would want to do one final thing for myself."
She could not believe that she was speaking so brazenly to a man. She felt like a wanton, even worse than Cecilia who was quite determined to ruin herself if anything.
At last, he moved again, removing her mask for her.
She gasped, loathing the fact that he was now able to see her entirely.
She had always hated how she looked, and the only reason that she had been able to hold a conversation at all was that there was that lovely chance that they would never see one another again.
"You need not look so frightened," he whispered. "You look perfectly lovely."
Yes, if you enjoyed looking at farmgirls, she thought, though she did not argue with him.
Instead, she looked up at him and gingerly raised a hand to his mask in response. She waited for him to swat her away, to admonish her for daring to act in such a way, but he seemed to welcome it. His eyes met hers, as if he were daring her to take it off.
And so she did.
He was so incredibly handsome. His hair was black and dipped in front of his face in a way that was perhaps not in fashion but very much to her liking.
He had a grin on his face that revealed perfect teeth and lit up the entirety of his face.
He was undeniably the most perfect man she had ever seen, and she was to marry another, and she had to return to the ballroom before she could do anything that would jeopardize her future.
She did not know the man before her, no matter how much she might have liked to. He was a threat to her, though a beautiful threat, and she had to leave.
Despite her telling herself that, she did not make a single attempt to move away.
If she were honest, she was happy there, with a stranger and engaging in improper conversation.
He thought she looked lovely, her! Nobody had ever seen her that way with the exception of her friends, and even then she had not believed them; they had to tell her she was beautiful.
When he said it, though, she believed it. Her hand fell back to her side, still holding the mask. His fingers rested beneath her chin, tilting her head back to look at him. She was growing desperate for him to say something more, as she so enjoyed the sound of his voice.
He chuckled, lowering himself so that his lips were a tantalizingly short distance from hers.
"I will not go any further," he whispered. "Ruining ladies is not something I choose to do. However, should you truly want this, I will not stop you."
The decision was hers to make, but before she could think about it at all she had already closed the gap.
Her lips pressed to his and in an instant one-and-twenty years of wanting to do as she pleased tumbled out of her.
She wanted to be the very opposite of who she had always been.
She wanted to be desirable, interesting, worthy of something more than an arranged marriage.
They broke apart, however, and she realized that such things could only have been true for a short while. Her family was inside, waiting for her to return to them so that they could finish their evening and then return home so that they could prepare her for her wedding.
Her wedding to a man that would be none the wiser to the fact that she had ruined herself.
"I must go," she said sharply, pushing passed him and fixing her mask again.
He took her wrist, gently pulling her back.
"If you insist," he whispered. "But do cheer up, little mouse."
He let her go, and she returned to the ballroom.
Mercifully, her mask covered the scarlet color that she had undoubtedly turned.
She continued her evening with her friends, who did not question where she had been and did not ask her how her conversation had been, only whether or not she was feeling all right to which she nodded and assured them that she was.
She had never thought that she would become such a skilled liar.