Chapter 5
" A nd here I thought your parents would never be told what was what!"
Dorothy's friends had adored the retelling that she had given them about her meeting with the Duke.
She had not told them about their other, clandestine meeting, but that was only because she did not know how.
Thy thought she was too afraid to even speak to a man, which had always been true, and she did not think they would have even believed her if she did tell them.
Not only that, but it was the exact situation that Emma had found herself in the year before, and she had been less fortunate than Dorothy.
She had been seen, and though the subsequent marriage that followed had been good, and they had truly fallen for one another, it had been a terrifying ordeal and it did not seem fair for Dorothy to tell Emma that she had done the same thing as her without the subsequent loss of reputation.
But they would have to know soon enough. They did not keep secrets from one another, and Dorothy did not wish to be the first one to do so.
"Something is wrong," Cecilia commented, looking directly at her. "You cannot hide it from me. What is it?"
"The wedding," she lied. "It is daunting, and I do not know what I shall do about it."
"Well, there is nothing that can be done," Emma said gently. "Either you do it, and you marry the Duke, or you do not. It may be that you dislike either option, but that does not mean you do not have any."
Dorothy sighed. She wished that those were not her choices.
"In any case," Cecilia continued, "I can see that it is more than your wedding. You were at peace with what was to come a few days ago. Something has changed."
With a deep breath to steady herself, Dorothy cleared her throat. She did not want to lie to her friends, and so she would have to be truthful whether she was ashamed of what she had done or not.
"You see, at the ball, I made a terrible mistake. After speaking with my parents, I spent some time in the gardens. I was hoping for some time alone, so that I could be among the flowers and steady my nerves, but out from the shadows came the strangest man."
Emma shook her head with a smile, clearly knowing precisely what she was about to say.
"He was an enormous man, dressed as a bear of all things, but he was kind to me and I suppose that was all I had needed.
I have been in need of that for a long time.
It was more than that, though. I will soon have no choice but to submit to a man that I do not know, and the thought of that terrified me.
I wanted to do something bold and defiant, something that I never would otherwise have done.
It was foolish of me, but I… Well, I kissed the stranger. "
Beatrice gasped, but Cecilia and Emma looked at her with pride. It was true; she had been shocking and daring, but that was precisely the sort of thing that her friends would have wanted for her.
There was a reason that her father considered them bad influences, after all.
"What if he tells others?" Beatrice asked. "What would become of you? If you are not yet married, your betrothed will surely change his mind, and if by then you are married, he could just as easily annul it. What will you do?"
"I do not believe he will say anything."
"But he is a man. They tend to gloat."
"Not this one. It would not help his reputation, I know that much."
"But you do not know that," Emma said gently.
"I do. It would be unwise for a gentleman to speak ill of his own wife, and so while possible I do not believe it will happen."
Silence fell as they tried to comprehend what she had told them.
The chances of them meeting when they did had been so slim, and yet it had happened and now everything had changed.
She had met her husband twice, and she had quite liked what she had seen, but that did not mean that everything would work well in the end.
She hardly knew him at all, and she wished that she had an opportunity to know him better before they married.
"Do you plan to discuss this with him?" Emma asked.
"I shall have to, I suppose, though I do not know what I will say to him. What can I say?"
"You could compliment his kisses, if he is deserving," Cecilia suggested, grinning. "Truly, Dot, I never thought you could be capable of something like this. Even I am not that bad."
Her friend was laughing, but Dorothy did not find the humor in it. She was positively mortified by what she had done, and the idea of someone else having witnessed them and now planning to ruin her made her feel unwell.
"In any case," Dorothy continued, "I do not think it matters. He is yet to propose himself, as he gave the ring to my father to give me, and today he refused to sign the marriage contract."
"Does that mean he does not wish to marry you?" Beatrice asked.
"I do not know. It is possible, but he has asked me to promenade with him tomorrow. Perhaps he will decide then?"
"I will assume it is for your sake," Emma nodded. "So that you can decide for yourself whether or not this match is what you want… this is what you want, is it not?"
"It is. I might as well take a husband of my father's choosing if I cannot find a husband of my own. I am grateful for this, truly I am. It was a terrible mistake for me to do what I did. I should have been grateful."
"You do not need to be grateful for a match you did not ask for," Cecilia said firmly. "If it were me, I would have escaped to the country long ago. I cannot believe that the two of you simply accept this."
She was looking almost accusingly at Dorothy and Emma, and though she wished her friend could be kinder Dorothy knew that it was what she needed to hear.
She was not happy with what was happening to her, and the only reason she had accepted it was because she did not want to become like her sister.
She did not want to be cut off from society, with even her family uncertain as to where she was and whether or not she was all right.
"You know perfectly well why I accepted what happened to me," Emma argued. "I had acted in an unbecoming manner, and in response I had to take Levi as my husband. We are all aware of the consequences that could follow from such behavior, Cecilia."
"Then you of all people should know not to ask Dorothy whether or not she wants this. If she did not, she would have done something about it. She certainly would not have kissed him."
"I did not know that he was my husband-to-be at the time," Dorothy tried to explain, but neither lady was looking at her.
"You are not perfect, Cecilia. Instead of passing judgment, do what we must now do and comfort our friend. She has enough to think about without us chastising her. What's happened has happened."
"You might not like thinking about this, as it reminds you of what you did, but it is the truth. I do not want to sit and listen to you pretending there was nothing more that Dorothy could have done."
Without another word, Cecilia left the room.
Beatrice and Dorothy exchanged worried glances, while Emma remained where she was.
"I– I will go and speak with her," Beatrice said quietly before following after Cecilia.
Emma did not look at Dorothy. Instead, she looked at her teacup, her head down.
"I do not know what she wants from us," she sighed.
"I do not think she meant anything by it. She is concerned for me, that is all. I had thought, if anything, she would be rather proud of me for what I did."
"She is, believe me. I wonder if that is what she is truly upset about."
Dorothy raised an eyebrow at her.
"Think about it, Dot. In all of the time we have known her, our parents have labelled her a terrible influence, claiming that we should avoid her.
She is not stupid. She knows what people think of her.
Now that the both of us have done something so reckless, while she has never done anything of the sort, it likely has changed things. "
"I suppose it is quite unfair that we have done what we have, yet she is the one to have gained a reputation such as hers."
"Precisely, but that does not mean that she can blame us. I pity her, but I will not allow her to speak to you for doing something for yourself for the first time."
The two ladies fell silent for a moment. Dorothy did not know what to say to her; with all that had happened in the last year, she had tried to bite her tongue about her own match so that they could have some peace for a while, but that had not been what had happened.
The issue was that when she was quiet, she began to think. The silence led to her thoughts running away from her time and time again, and the closer to the wedding she came the worse it was.
She was to be a wife to a stranger, and though he seemed perfectly fine there was nothing stopping him from changing once she was his.
It happened often enough. She wanted to believe that he was a good man, and that he would care for her, but it was just as likely that he would leave her alone most of the time, and she would have no company with the exception of an children they might have.
"Did you want children?" she asked aloud.
"I did," Emma nodded, smiling softly. "I will admit, it is not what I had planned, and sometimes I am terrified of what is to come, but it is something that Levi and I are excited about more than anything."
"What are you afraid of? You have a loving marriage, and you will be able to take care of the baby's needs."
"I worry that I will not be a good mother. It is entirely possible."
"No it isn't. You will be a wonderful mother, especially given that you practically raised your sister yourself."
"I did, but that does not mean that I will be any good as a mother. Besides, there is more to it than that. I fear that something will happen to me, the same way we lost my mother after my sister was born. Again, it may not happen, but it could, and that frightens me."
Dorothy had not considered that, and it gave her even more fears about what was to come.
"All that to say," Emma continued, placing a hand on Dorothy's shoulder, "we do not know what is coming. It is frightening, but if we live in fear then we will not live at all. I am choosing to be excited for the next part of my life, and I believe it would be best if you did the same thing."
Dorothy nodded in agreement. Her marriage was a daunting prospect, but Emma was right.
She had to look forward to it, or else she would risk ruining it before it had even begun.
She could not control her husband, but she could control whether or not she was a good wife, which she was determined to be.
Cecilia and Beatrice returned shortly after. Cecilia had a calmness about her as she took her seat, and Beatrice poured her tea.
"I would like to apologize," Cecilia said clearly, "to the both of you. I had no reason to be so angry with you. I know that you did what you thought was best at the time, and you had no control over what came afterward. I should be a better friend to you."
"Not at all," Dorothy replied firmly. "We did act in unbecoming ways, and you are right, we should face consequences for that. Whatever comes next, however, it is better that the four of us are together. I cannot bear the thought of having to withstand all of this alone."
Cecilia moved so that Dorothy was between her and Emma.
Beatrice rose to her feet and stood behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder in support.
In spite of how afraid she was, she couldn't help but feel relief at that.
She had her friends, and they would be there for her no matter what happened.
She was not alone, which made her more fortunate than most ladies in the ton.
It had been the first dispute that anyone in their group had had, and it had felt horrible, but in a way Dorothy was pleased that it had happened. It had given her a clarity that she otherwise would not have had.
"Are you looking forward to your promenade tomorrow?" Beatrice asked.
"I am. Regardless of how it goes, I will at least know more about my betrothed. I hope that he is a good man, one that aims to give me the best life he can. I will not ask much of him, only that he becomes a friend to me."
"And if he does not," Emma smiled, "I will gladly send Levi his way."
The ladies all laughed at that, and for the first time in weeks Dorothy felt as though all would be well.
Then she returned home.