Chapter 19 Not You #2
I prided myself in staying cool, no matter the circumstance, but I couldn’t keep the emotion out of my voice. Not when it came to this. To her. “You were trapped, baby. Trapped in your own mind, and Boone had to come get you out.”
“Don’t!” Bell recoiled from my hands like they were covered in slime. “Don’t touch me!”
Ursa damnit.
My jaw set. This was not going to plan. I was just as bad as Boone for not waiting for Zion, our words guy, to handle this.
But the cat was out of the bag, so I might as well finish it.
“It’s true that your choices are limited right now, and that’s the only reason you’re here. But the rest is lies you’re telling yourself,” I informed her through gritted teeth. “You need us. And it’s our job to protect you. So understand, that is what we will do. You don’t get a say in that.”
She flinched, then hugged her arms around herself. Like someone trying to protect themselves from a blow.
“I’m very grateful,” she whispered. “But I don’t like this.”
She raised her baleful gaze to look directly at me, voice trembling. “And I don’t like you. I think I might hate you right now.”
I was better at hiding my emotions than she was. Instead of flinching, I kept my voice level. “You don’t have to like me. The protection order still stands. No more sleeping alone.”
Her jaw worked.
If it had been Niska, this would have been a prime catalyst for one of her temper tantrums.
But in the end, Bell said, “Fine. I’ll put up with it—but only until I can figure out a way to pay you back and find other lodging.
And only if the sentry stays on the first floor.
No more waking up with some random guy in my bed.
They’ll have to bring over a sleeping bag, like Boone did in my apartment. ”
Random.
The word stuck in my craw, even as my cock pulsed at the thought of sharing a bed with her, being there in the morning when it was my turn.
We weren’t random. We were her mates. But I swallowed the correction.
“Fine. We’ll sleep in bear form on the first floor.”
“Not you. Only Zion and Boone.” She unwrapped her arms from around her body, lifting her chin again. “At least Zion’s nice, and Boone doesn’t act like it was his right to invade my personal space after promising to leave me alone. I don’t want you in my space.”
I couldn’t say this was an unfamiliar position for me to be in.
I was the only one of Niska’s mates that she didn’t choose, and there were those two frozen out years after we divorced Erik.
I shouldn’t be surprised Bell would try to shut me out, too, even if it was for doing what was best for her. The whole point of Operation Sugar Cookie was for Zion and Boone to bring her around while I coordinated plays from the sidelines.
Still, my bear took it personally.
Not chosen. Again.
My throat tightened, like I’d swallowed glass.
But that was inside. Outside, I kept it all business. “Fine. Just Zion and Boone.”
Her shoulders tensed, like she was about to argue further. Then something shifted. The fight drained out of her eyes, and she looked down at the ground.
When she spoke again, her voice was smaller. Uncertain.
“Is this what being mated is like in your community? Like the first mauls are the ones in charge, and they get to tell everybody else in the polycule what to do?” She paused. “Were you like this with your late wife?”
The question hung in the air between us. Lit from both our ends like cartoon dynamite about to go off.
Tell her. Tell her you weren’t. Tell her Niska never made you feel like this. Like you’d rather die than let anything hurt her….
“I’m not trying to abuse my power or control you,” I carefully answered her real question instead of burdening her with the intensity of feelings she wouldn’t understand. “Or remind you of your ex. I just...”
I just really like you. And I’m scared you’ll never like me back. That maybe you falling for the two other males in our maul won’t be enough, like it wasn’t with Niska. The truth is, I’m terrified, too. You scare the hell out of me.
Out loud, I finished, “I just need you to be safe. That’s my main role as first maul. To keep you safe.”
Her face crumpled a little at my explanation. “I don’t want… I don’t want to be like this. I feel so helpless and ashamed.”
Bell’s voice broke on the last word.
I so badly wanted to pull her into my arms. Comfort her. Like Boone did this morning. But she wouldn’t even let me sleep on the floor of the widow’s cottage she’d chosen. There was no way she’d abide me touching her.
“Bell…” I started.
“No, no.” Before I could finish, her expression hardened from helplessness to resolve. “I’m stuck here for now, but I’m going to figure out a way to get myself some real choices. I’m going to pay you back for everything, and then I’ll never let you tell me what to do a…”
She stopped mid-sentence, her eyes refocusing on something over my shoulder.
“What is that?”
Her voice had gone distant, like she was asking herself more than me.
Then she moved past me, arcing around me to get to the scattered pile of red cedar trunk rounds waiting to be split. She crouched down, running her hands over the rough surfaces, searching.
Then she found one. A round about two feet in diameter, maybe two feet tall.
She didn’t try to lift it. Just ran her hands over it with the most wondrous look on her face. Like she’d just discovered gold.
And when she raised her gaze to me, all the anger had drained from her eyes.
“Can I have this?”