Chapter 18
CHAPTER 18
J ulius had lost his appetite. He did not care about food, and he didn’t want to see anyone. He was propped up in bed, defeat etched across his face. The warm sunshine streaming in through his window did little to lift the dark gloom that settled inside him. He felt like he was drowning, and there was no one there to help. He had the presence of mind to know that he was wallowing in self-pity. So many regrets. If only he had not decided their connection was impossible.
In the beginning, he was in lust, unable to ignore the powerful attraction he felt for her. Then, it morphed into so much more. If he needed any affirmation about how empty his life would be without her … he had it now. As time went on, the hollowness became even more profound. Only Briar could fill his need, and he did not want to contemplate life without her. She was the only woman for him and she must be his. He was a fool. He had been dancing around the words for a long time. No more. He felt it radiating through his entire being … he loves her . He should have offered for her before she even left his estate to journey to London for the season.
There was a commotion downstairs, and the sounds reverberated down the hall. Julius wondered what the devil was going on, but he did not have to wait long to find out. There was a knock on the door before Otis entered.
“I am sorry to disturb you, Your Grace. There is a Lord Carter here to see you.”
“Lord Carter? Here?” The man had the nerve to show up without sending Julius a note and while he was convalescing. They were not friends.
“Yes, Your Grace. I told him you did not which to be disturbed, but he insisted.”
Lord Carter was the last person he wanted to see. “What the hell does he want? You may show him in Otis.”
Otis spun around and left the room. Shortly thereafter, he returned with Lord Carter.”
“Your Grace.”
“Carter, as you can see, I am indisposed and not accepting visitors.”
“This is a matter that could not wait, Fenton.”
“State your business.”
“I do not know if you are aware, but I am fond of Miss Walcot and have made an offer to her family. Your treatment of her has caused great offense, and I challenge you to a duel.”
“What nonsense, Carter. You know as well as I do that duels are outlawed.”
“That has never stopped you before.”
“You expect me to repeat the same mistakes as I did in my youth?”
“I expect you to defend yourself. I am defending Miss Walcot’s honor.”
“I will not fight you. Do you not see the state I am in? Even so, I would refuse.”
“I am sure you do not want to be known as a coward as well as a beast.”
“Carter, I was under no obligation to receive you, and you are insulting me in my home. You should leave.”
“Gladly.” Carter went through the door and slammed it.
Julius raised his hands to his temple. He felt there was an ice grip squeezing his skull, which caused a throbbing and pounding sensation. He did not think things could get worse … until they did. It was all completely out of control, and his injury contributed to his feeling of powerlessness. There would be no duel.
He closed his eyes and leaned back onto the pillows. There was another knock on his door. What now?
“Come in.” Julius was relieved to see it was Baxter.
“I cannot tell you how happy I am to see you. Carter was just here.”
“What did he want?”
“To challenge me to a duel of all things.”
“Utterly reckless.”
“I did not entertain him, but he made an offer for Briar.”
“Well, I have better news for you. Lord Duncan Palmer.”
“What about him?”
“He is downstairs.”
“That is the first thing you should have told me, Baxter.”
“How did you convince him to come here?”
“I ran up to his carriage just before it pulled out and literally barred the door. He was forced to listen to me. He agreed that the least he could do was to hear you out.”
“I owe you, brother. Send him up.”
Baxter left, and Julius knew that this was the time. Everything that he wanted rested on this moment, and he could not cock it up. There would be no second chance.
Otis let Palmer into the room and he stood silent.
“I know you have cause to be angry with me, Palmer, but hear me out. Please have a seat.”
Duncan hesitated and then sat in the armchair. “I am short of time, Fenton.”
“I will get straight to it. I owe Briar and your family an apology. I never intended to cause her pain, and I know she would have been upset by the gossip rags. That night, when I came to see Briar, I was actually going to ask her if she would have me.”
“And you thought that would be the best way to go about it?”
“It was impulsive and foolish. I am not proud of it. I truly love Briar, and I want her to be my wife. I started falling in love with her at Berkely Estate, and I closed my mind to it to fulfill some useless tradition that would not make me happy. Briar makes me happy, and I want her in my life. Lord Carter has made an offer for her, and all that I am suggesting is that you ask Briar who she will have. I was the one who caused this scandal, but she will be under my protection when she becomes my wife.”
Duncan’s eyes bored into him. “Are you certain that Briar shares your affection?”
“We have not had a chance to discuss it. I believe she is fond of me, and if she does not love me, she will grow to.”
“I cannot make any promises. I will discuss it with Briar and my mother and let you know the outcome.”
“Thank you.”
Lord Carter would not need to continue with a duel if Briar accepted his proposal. What was he to do if she did not?
Briar walked around the townhouse garden, wishing she could return to Walcot Hall. Lord Carter sent her roses this morning, but she did not care for them. With a sigh of resignation, she sat on a bench in the shade of the tall hedge. She would have been quite happy if the roses had come from Julius. She heard the footsteps on the pathway before Duncan appeared and sat on the bench opposite her.
“Good morning, Briar. We missed you at breakfast.”
“Good morning, Duncan. I was not hungry.”
“I have some news.”
“I hope it will be good news for a change.”
“I have had a change of heart about allowing you to see the duke. He has been persistent, and Mama and I agreed we should pay him a visit.”
Briar jumped up from the bench and kissed Duncan on his cheeks. “Thank you, brother.”
“We will be accompanying you and have dinner there.”
“Well, in that case, I need to prepare myself.” Briar stood, and they both returned to the house.
She never got the chance to tell Julius what he meant to her and Briar knew this would be her chance. As she climbed the stairs to her bedchamber, she felt a bit of fear and anxiety. What if she was wrong about what Julius meant to talk to her about that night? Did he still believe she was not good enough to be his duchess? What if he truly did not want to marry her, but the scandal forced his hand?
Marrying for family advantage was the norm in society. Julius’s family had always had duchesses from the right families with the right connections. It was fair to say that marrying for love was considered frivolous, selfish, and outright dangerous. Aristocratic families did not believe that mere physical attraction or infatuation was a strong foundation for a successful marriage. No. It was better to marry first and come to love one another afterward. And if love did not come, then a man could find it elsewhere, with a mistress or a lover. Love was not something she had ever heard her parents speak about.
Briar was shocked to learn Lord Carter was still interested in marrying her when she had given herself to Julius, yet he was earnest in his devotion. Men did not choose to be with women whose affection was diverted elsewhere. She was in the hallway approaching her door when the maid called after her.
“You have a visitor, Miss Walcot.”
“A visitor? I was not expecting anyone.”
“It is Lord Carter, Miss Walcot.”
Good heavens! Why was he here today of all the days? Briar searched her memory and she did not recall any plans to see Lord Carter today.
“Very well.” Briar descended the stairs and followed the maid into the drawing room. The maid took a seat in the far corner of the room.
“Lord Carter, what a surprise. I was not expecting to see you today. Please have a seat.” Briar sat in an armchair opposite Lord Carter.
“Miss Walcot, I know you have not been to any social gatherings since the scandal erupted. It is such a lovely day; I wondered if you would like to accompany me for a stroll in Hyde Park.”
“I am afraid I cannot.”
“You will not be able to hide away from the wagging tongues forever, Miss Walcot. We should face this scandal head-on.”
“We?”
“Well, it is our marriage that will restore your standing –”
“I am afraid you are mistaken, Lord Carter. I have not agreed to your proposal, and I merely said that I would consider it.”
“Perhaps it is you that does not understand, Miss Walcot. Your reputation is in tatters.”
“I do not mean to cause offense. I am well aware of the predicament that I am in.”
“Yet, you refuse my proposal. Who do you think will have you now?”
“That is my family’s concern. If you will excuse me, I have another engagement.”
“Miss Walcot, as far as I know, no one else has offered for you. No one else has defended your honor.”
“Defended my honor? Whatever do you mean?”
“I stood up to that beast of a duke for you, and I challenged him to a duel.”
Briar’s heart was bounding as if it would leave her chest. “Good God!”
“You see, I am invested in you and in us.”
“There is no us , Lord Carter.”
“We will see what your brother has to say about that. He seemed quite willing to discuss our betrothal and understood the ramifications. I appreciate he is not here so I shall return when he is available. I did you good day, Miss Walcot.” Lord Carter abruptly stood and left the room.
Briar remained seated for a minute, fighting the creeping, sinking sensation that threatened to overcome her. Julius had no business fighting a duel with Lord Carter because he was not her intended. His words infuriated her as he had no right to approach Julius in her defense. She paled to think what Julius must be contemplating, and the thought prompted her to get to her feet. She hurried to her room to prepare for dinner this evening. She pushed Lord Carter from her mind. She wanted to look her best the next time she saw Julius.
Otis managed to procure the bath chair that Julius wanted. The contraption looked quite odd, with two large wheels and a small one, but he was determined to get out of bed to check all the preparations. He was taking a huge gamble when he was averse to risks, but he had to. It must pay off. He had arranged an engagement party when he had not even asked Briar if she would be his wife. Talk about balls.
The party would be an intimate affair with Baxter, Emmeline, and Briar’s family. Etiquette dictates he ought to propose to her in private as it should be a matter between the couple, but after everything that had transpired, he decided to take a different approach. They had long broken the strict bonds of convention. He only wanted the people closest to him and Briar, who understood the journey they had taken to be together. He wanted them to be here when he proposed to her to share in their happiness. At this point, he could not contemplate Briar saying no. Julius’s heart became a hammer in his chest. She had to say yes. She must.
He looked around at the well-decorated drawing room and dining room. The door between them had been opened to allow free movement. He wondered if he had gone too far with all the flowers, as there were so many. The staff had been busy cleaning, polishing, and setting everything in its rightful place. Everything was perfect, yet he felt a sudden agitation surge through him, and he could not pace. He was left to wheel the bath chair from one end of the room to the other.
Baxter and Emmeline walked into the dining room. Emmeline gasped.
“This is beautiful, Julius. I am sure Briar will feel special.”
“I sure hope so.”
“You should relax, Julius. All will be well.”
Otis appeared at the door. “Your guests are here, Your Grace.”
“Show them in.”
There is no more favorable opportunity than this. He had already secured a marriage license; formal notice would be secured accordingly. He needed to make her see that he had come to his senses about their time together. He would not tuck his feelings away any longer.
Briar and her family entered the drawing room, and Julius greeted them. “Welcome to my home. I invited you here this evening to witness what I hope will be a special moment for both our families.”
The knot in Julius’s chest rose to his throat, and he gave Briar all his attention.
“After the reception I received when I returned from France, I pulled within myself. I told myself that I did not need anyone. I could be self-sufficient. It was only when you came into my life that I realized that I needed more than self-sufficiency. I slept like a baby before you crashed into my world and upended it. Once you were at Berkley Estate, there was a part of me – a part rooted in my chest and decidedly independent of reason – that carried a soreness. In the small hours of the night, that soreness became an ache that throbbed and made my chest heavy with an unresolved need. If I had not behaved like a coward, I would have handled things differently … better.”
Julius’s heart wanted to break free and proclaim itself. Every muscle in his body clenched to contain it … patience. Briar’s gaze had not left him, and a kind smile formed on her mouth.
“My life has had a few layers; I went to France, being there, when I returned and when I met you.”
“Oh, Julius,” Briar whispered.
“I need to get it all out, Briar.” Julius wheeled the bath chair over to Briar and reached for her hand. “I held on to the malignant belief for years that no woman would want the beastly duke. You showed me that this was no longer true. I shoved the part of me away that made me hope to find someone that would love me and that I could share my life with.”
Julius cleared the lump that was forming in his throat.
“It was difficult for me to know what was even in my own heart because I was afraid of opening it. I cannot deny that what we share is a special occurrence, like a lightning strike. I feel it deep within my soul. It is not a passing fancy. For the first time, I really wanted to let go of my past so that I could have a future with you … the future my heart desires.”
“I love you, Briar. I am ready to take that leap toward happiness, and I am asking if you would take that leap with me. Will you be my duchess?”
Emotion flickered in Briar’s eyes, and he could feel the slight tremor in her hands.
“You were never the beastly duke to me, Julius, except perhaps when we first met.” Her light laughter, which he loved, tinkled and warmed the room. Briar gave his hand a comforting squeeze. “Over the past few months, I have learned that you are a kind and compassionate man, and your scars do not define you. I love you dearly … yes. I will be your duchess.”
Julius reached into his pocket and produced a ring. “This ring has been in my family for generations. All the duchesses have worn it, and now it is yours.” Julius slipped the ring on Briar’s finger, and she bent down to kiss his forehead.
“I am looking forward to my life with you.”