Chapter 9 #3
She shuddered, shivered against him, and then it was as if she could see herself.
As if she was above her own body, looking at the aftermath of what had just happened.
She was aware of everything. Of the way she still clung to him, of how she was straddling his thigh.
Of how wet she was, so slick that if he touched her, he would know just how much she …
She pushed his chest wildly, and he grabbed her wrist. “Hey. Hey. Calm down.”
“No. Get away from me.”
“I’m happy to get away from you. But I just want to be clear. I told you I was going to kiss you and …”
“I know. You didn’t … It’s not … I can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t love you. I don’t love you, and I’m never going to … This was stupid. It was just stupid. I guess … I’m just destined to be the same kind of white trash as my mom.”
“Why would you say something like that?”
“Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? Trailer park behavior.”
“I’m not even sure who that’s the most offensive to.”
“You know what I mean. It’s what people say. It’s what … Because I don’t love you. I love someone else.”
“Sweetheart,” he said. “You don’t love someone else.”
“Well, I certainly don’t love you. Great. Thanks for the … for the orgasm and all of that. I guess. But I just … I can’t …”
“You need to settle down.”
“Don’t tell me to fucking settle down. You don’t get to tell me that. You know what you’re doing. You know and … and I don’t. You took advantage of the fact that I was attracted to you and—”
“Don’t do that,” he said, his voice hard.
“I didn’t take advantage of a goddamned thing.
I did not touch you until I was absolutely certain you wanted me.
If you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes, Cassidy.
And that’s what the fuck this is. You were playing games with me.
What the hell was that, texting me last night? ”
“I just wanted to know …”
“No. You didn’t just want to know. I stopped talking to you about it—”
“Because we got interrupted. Don’t pretend that you were being benevolent.”
“You were the one who started it back up. It’s what you want.”
“Maybe,” she said. “But I’m not going to do it again. That’s all that matters.”
She felt tears threatening, and she wanted to run away, but he held her fast. “Take four deep breaths, okay?”
She nodded. “Okay.”
“I’m not going to do anything you don’t want. You don’t need to run away.”
She realized that she wasn’t afraid of him. She was just embarrassed. Because she had climbed on him like an alley cat. It was humiliating.
“Cassidy,” he said, his voice low. “I did the same thing.”
It was as if he could read her mind. But then, she supposed it didn’t take a genius to know what she was thinking. Getting mad at him had seemed easy. It seemed safe.
But they were still going to have to work together. That was the bottom line. She could quit. But that would let Jessie Jane down.
And it would prove she was a coward. That she couldn’t handle this big thing she had walked herself right into.
“I lost my head too,” he said. “You don’t need to be embarrassed about that. Sex is fun.”
It did not feel fun. Not right now.
“At least it’s supposed to be. I don’t know what kind of sex you’ve been having.”
It was on the tip of her tongue to say none.
“Nothing this good,” she said.
True, but a little bit of a lie at the same time. She realized, though, that she had complimented him with that statement, and she could see the glint in his eye, feral and satisfied.
“Don’t let it go to your head.”
“Don’t have sex if it doesn’t feel like this,” he said.
“Why do you think you get to tell me that? Does all the sex you have feel like this?”
He looked as if he had been hit in the head with a chair. “No,” he said. “It doesn’t.”
“Well, then. You don’t get to lecture me.”
“All right. I won’t lecture you.”
“I need to go.”
“Okay. Go. But we need to … I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“I know,” she said.
“Good. As long as you know.”
“I do. And it’s fine. Things got out of hand, and they won’t again.”
“Sure. They won’t again.”
“I feel like I have to be honest with you. I’m going away with Dalton because I do want to sleep with him.”
“You said.”
“Well, nothing has changed.”
Except it felt like everything had changed.
“Great. Glad to hear it. So you go off, get laid, and maybe when you come back, you won’t be so on edge.”
“Well. You go get laid too, then.”
“Planning on it.”
She turned and walked out of the barn, pressing her hand against her chest. She tried to breathe through the discomfort she felt. The anger.
She felt completely undone by what had just happened. She had just gotten her first kiss, and she categorically should not have been kissed.
She had just … lost her head. Given him something that should’ve been Dalton’s. And now she was feeling sore because he was going to go off and sleep with somebody else? She intended to do the same thing.
What she had to hope was that West was right, that Dalton was jealous. That he wanted her.
She needed to go home and pack for her trip.
And she needed to forget that this had ever happened.