Chapter 10 #2
He looked at the bookshelf filled with history books.
“Why do you think so many people traveled out West? They wanted to make a new destiny for themselves. A new life for themselves. It wasn’t that the things people built before weren’t important, or that they didn’t matter.
But those pioneers had to discover a new world for themselves.
That’s what I have to do. I’m sorry if that makes Dad mad. But it’s something I have to do.”
His mother did not offer to talk to his dad for him. Which didn’t really surprise him, all things considered. They just weren’t that kind of family. He was going to have to have the conversation with his dad at some point. Or just decide not to explain himself. Which he could also do.
His mom turned around, reached up and grabbed a small red book, and a small leather-bound book that looked a hundred years old.
“When you’re ready to look at these, I think you might get something out of them.”
“I always wished that I had your attention span when it comes to books.”
“I don’t understand what you mean. When you start reading, everything else disappears.”
“Not for me. When I start reading, the sound of the wind in the trees gets louder. The squirrels start chattering, and then they start moving around, and I have to watch them. Then I might hear a truck engine, and I have to look and see who’s coming.”
“You just ignore all that.”
“Not me. But I’m glad that you can.”
He gave his mom a hug and felt a little bit of guilt over how … mad he’d been only a few minutes before.
Maybe it was all the stuff with Cassidy. It was putting him out of sorts.
He probably needed to get in touch with her.
Needed to see if she was okay. She’d been pretty upset. He’d managed to calm her down before she left, but he still wasn’t happy about it.
“What do you really want?” his mom asked.
He had a feeling that was a deeper question than it seemed. A farther-reaching one than anything they had been talking about so far. He also knew that he could take his time answering. He thought about his life. How bad he was at school. The devil inside him. The way he underperformed.
Until he found numbers. Until he made money.
Proof that he had always been smart.
Proof that it was the system, not him.
“I just want to prove myself.”
“To who?”
Everyone.
That was the answer that burned at the center of his chest, but he realized it sounded ridiculous.
You couldn’t prove yourself to everyone, and moreover, he had spent most of his life not caring what anyone thought.
Except …
The more he thought about it, the more he thought his indifference was just an act.
Because if you didn’t care at all, you didn’t have to try.
It had been easier to do that for a very long time.
But it hadn’t brought him fulfillment. It hadn’t helped him build anything.
Living down to all that was bad about the Hancock name had only gotten him punched in the face and arrested.
It wasn’t until he had started to care, even a little bit, that he had been able to actually do some good for himself.
So maybe there was nothing wrong with wanting to prove himself.
“Just to myself,” he said.
Maybe that was true.
It would at least be the healthier thing. To want to prove himself worthy to his own damn self.
“Good night, Mom,” he said.
He drove back to the house with too much on his mind.
And when he got up to the homestead, he was shocked to see Cassidy’s truck in the driveway.
He sat there for a moment, his hands on the books his mother had just given him, and his blood racing through his veins.
Oh yeah. He knew exactly what he wanted from this. He knew exactly what he wanted from her.
His heart was pounding so hard, he thought it would break through the front of his chest.
He got out of his truck and started to walk toward the door, just as Cassidy came from around the back of the house.
She jumped, her brown eyes going wide as she scrambled back. “Oh. I didn’t know you were here.”
“I wasn’t. What exactly are you doing here?”
“Well, I came to … I just wanted to talk to you before I left. Because I’m leaving tomorrow to go out of town with Dalton.”
West practically snarled. “Yeah. I’m aware.”
“I didn’t want to leave things the way we did yesterday.”
“Why?”
“Because it was … uncomfortable?”
“Uncomfortable. Well, that’s one word for it.”
“What’s that?” she asked, pointing to the books in his hand.
“Diaries,” he said, walking past her. “Come in.”
“What?”
He jerked open the front door of the house. “Come. In.”
Her face turned red.
“Cassidy, I’ve had my tongue in your mouth. Don’t get shy on me now.”
“Well, that makes it worse.”
“What makes it worse?”
“You saying that!”
“It’s true.”
“It’s true that it happened, or it’s true that it makes it worse?”
Her eyes were wide, shining and sincere, and he didn’t have it in him to make fun of her.
It was a good reminder of why he didn’t screw around with girls who didn’t have any experience. But he wanted her all the same.
He wanted her admiration, and her caring.
He wanted her to stay with him and not go with Dalton.
He didn’t say any of that.
“Both. Come on.”
He ushered her inside, and he felt a swell of pride as she looked around with an expression that conveyed her reaction to the surroundings.
“This is incredible.”
“Thanks. Come into the kitchen—I’m working on the cabinets.”
“It’s not finished?”
“No. Close. But still pretty rustic up here. I’m thinking that it’ll be done in time for Christmas.”
She looked away. “That’s nice.”
“It could be.”
“So what … what diaries are they? Yours from high school?”
He had to laugh. “Definitely. Just me writing about whether or not Ashley likes me.”
“Does she?”
He gave her his most wicked grin. “All the girls like me.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I guess.”
“I’m glad you didn’t try to argue.”
“If I had, you would’ve just reminded me that you had your tongue in my mouth, and we’d be right back where we started.”
“You said it,” he said, putting his hands up. “Not me.”
“Well, one of us had to.”
“I think one of these is Butch Hancock’s diary.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“I’d love to see it.”
“You know, why don’t you take them with you. On your weekend.”
He probably shouldn’t offer to let Cassidy take the diaries. Not when he knew how much they meant to his mother, but he also knew that Cassidy would take care of them. “They do belong to my mom,” he said. “And her collections are really important to her.”
“I … I’d love to look at them.”
“I’m not going to have time right now. I have work to do.”
“I’m very curious. Ever since you suggested that Austin write a book about Butch Hancock, I’ve been thinking it would be neat if he did. To tell the other side of the story.”
“If there is a story. It makes me wonder if Butch actually wrote anything down about his motivation. It’s hard for me to imagine him writing in a diary every day for the same reason it was funny to think that I had one in high school.”
“Are we okay?” she asked, abruptly changing the subject.
“Serious question,” West said. “Why do you care? We’re just working together in the show, and then things will go back to the way they were. Or, even better, for you, they won’t. You’ll ride off into the sunset with Dalton, and you’ll never think of me again. So why do you care if we’re good?”
“Your sister is marrying my brother. So there’s that.”
“Sure.”
“And I like you.”
Those four simple words felt like a gunshot straight to the chest.
“You like me?”
“Yes. You’re the only person I’ve ever …”
“Kissed?”
Her face turned scarlet. “No!”
Of course not, he thought. He was being ridiculous, but it was fun to make her turn pink.
“You’re the only person I’ve ever told about my childhood. And it means a lot to me that you told me what you did. About yourself.”
“Don’t go repeating it to anyone. I don’t want them to think I’m prone to character development.”
“Why?”
He took a deep breath. “Listen, I know I’m smart.
I know I built this place with my own two hands, and that I’m going to run the ranch with money that I earned because I have a good mind for numbers.
But I just … I spent my whole life being underestimated by everybody I knew.
And one of these days they’re going to turn around and realize that one of the most successful ranches in the area is run by somebody they didn’t think would amount to anything. Maybe that matters to me a little bit.”
She looked down. “I can see that. I don’t have anything to prove. Austin did all that when he changed the story around my family name. And my brothers all love me exactly the way I am.”
She spoke as if there was a but in there somewhere. A downside.
She looked away from him for just a second, and he gazed at her profile. At the delicate swoop of her nose, the curve of her lip, her dark eyelashes fanning out over the top of her cheekbones.
“You don’t know what to do with yourself,” he said.
“No. I mean, there’s plenty to do.”
“Then why do you sound sad?”
“I don’t know. I’m not sad. I’ve been given such a wonderful life. Genuinely, I feel bad about the way everybody treated you. About how awful everyone was when you were just a kid with ADHD and nobody was paying attention to the fact that you needed help, not to be shamed.”
“To be fair, it was probably a little bit of both. ADHD made it hard for me to pay attention. It didn’t make me an asshole.”
She snorted a laugh. “Maybe. But you acted that way because people expected you to. I just really appreciate getting to do the show with you. Because it’s different. It’s pushing the limits of my comfort zone. I don’t want to stop. I’m sorry that I freaked out on you.”
“Hey. I’m sorry you were freaked out.”