Chapter 11
He doesn’t speak much. He’s recovering his strength, enough that I think he’ll survive.
Enough that he’s helping out with some of the work around the homestead.
It’s improper in every way for me to allow him to remain here.
I can’t face the thought of sending him away and finding myself alone again.
“You’re an idiot,” she said to herself as she shoved clothes into a duffel bag and picked up the two books West had given her.
She shouldn’t have gone over to his house last night.
She should be thinking about the trip with Dalton and all its implications. She should be obsessed with that, actually.
Because at the very least she was going to confess her feelings to him, and at the very most she might kiss him for the first time, or even sleep with him.
Except she felt … This was the problem. She was consumed by thoughts of West. By the way it had felt to kiss him.
She had done nothing for the last few days but think about that.
It kept her up.
It was new. This attraction to him was something she had never experienced before, while her feelings for Dalton felt like a well-worn overcoat. Something comfy and cozy, exactly what she wanted around the holidays.
West was like a shot of whiskey, and she had never been a big fan of whiskey. It burned too bright and too hot and drinking too much of it could never lead to anything good.
But there was a novelty about West that was making her obsess over him.
And it was happening at the very worst time.
What if she wasn’t doing the show with him? What if this had never happened? What if she was just going on this trip with Dalton, and thoughts of West Hancock weren’t consuming her every waking moment?
She had lied to him about the kiss. It had been her first kiss, but she couldn’t possibly endure the humiliation of admitting it.
You wanted him to tell you not to go.
The answer to his question came now, twelve hours too late.
She had wanted him to tell her that. To indicate that he felt the same sort of intensity she did. But she would’ve gone anyway.
She had to do this. This was her life, her future. What she wanted.
You don’t know what you want.
He was such an asshole. So certain of her. He didn’t really know her. He knew a collection of facts about her past because she had shared some things with him that she had never shared with anybody else, but that wasn’t knowing her.
Do you know you?
She shoved the books into her bag, because she was going to bring them, even if she felt irritated at West.
Even if her going to make sure they were cool had not, in fact, made her feel any cooler.
Her phone flashed, and Dalton’s name appeared across the screen. She picked it up quickly, her heart in her throat.
Here.
She grabbed her bag, slung it over her shoulder, and walked out of the front of her tiny house.
Austin was out there, along with Dalton, who had just pulled in.
“Hey,” Austin said, smiling. “Can I give you something really quick for the trip?”
She looked between Dalton and Austin. “Sure?”
“Just come in for a second.”
She followed her older brother across the gravel parking lot, and up the front steps into his house.
Austin closed the door. “Hey. I don’t have anything to give you.”
“I didn’t think so, but what’s happening?”
“Well, that’s kind of what I want to ask you.”
“I’m going with Dalton to look at a horse.”
“I get that. But why didn’t he ask Flynn? Why not literally anybody else but you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Cassidy … I know you like him.”
“So?” She felt her face getting hot. “I’m twenty-five. I’m allowed to like somebody.”
“I know that. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, I just want to make sure that … I don’t know. What do you want me to do? Do you need me to intervene? Is this something you want?”
“Austin, he and I did not pre-discuss anything. Nothing has happened. To tell you the truth, I don’t know why he asked me. I hope it’s for the reason I want it to be. But I don’t know.”
“If he hurts you …”
“He won’t,” Cassidy said. And she meant it. Because Dalton had never hurt her. Everyone in this family had always protected her, and he really was part of her family.
That rationalization made her feel uncomfortable. She couldn’t quite get a handle on what the issue was. She only knew that it was … It felt strange.
“Change can be difficult,” Austin said.
“Are you worried about his friendship with Flynn getting messed up?”
“Honestly, no. I don’t care about that. I just care about you.
I know you’re twenty-five. You can do whatever the hell you want.
I’m not trying to be controlling, but … I look at you sometimes, Cassidy, and I see the little girl I saw for the first time on my doorstep at Christmas.
I never want you to look like that again. That hollow, lonely look.”
She didn’t want to feel that way either. In fact, her whole life was styled around never having to feel that way. It was almost shocking that he didn’t seem to understand that.
“He would never hurt me,” she said again, the repetition for herself as much as Austin.
“Yeah. He’s a good guy. He would never hurt you on purpose.”
“If things don’t work out with Dalton, then they won’t work out with anybody.
Don’t you understand, Austin? I have spent my entire life trying to avoid being hurt.
Because I have the best gift in you guys.
You were the best brothers of all time. Just the absolute best. Being here has made me happier than anything, and I know that I looked lost that day.
I felt lost that day. But I haven’t since then.
Not at all. You’ve been the most amazing, supportive family I could’ve asked for.
But I want … more. You’re all with somebody.
I want to be in love. Doesn’t everybody want to be in love? ”
“I want you to have love, Cassidy.” He sighed. “I want you to have whatever you want. But it’s my job to protect you, and right now I don’t know what that looks like.”
“You’re making a lot of assumptions.”
“Maybe. I feel protective of you. It’s my job to make assumptions here. My job is to try to keep you safe. To the best of my ability.”
It was silly for her to be annoyed, and she knew it.
He wanted to keep her in her snow globe.
She wanted that too. Had wanted it all along.
She flashed back to the kiss with West. The whole conversation she’d had with him last night.
It felt distinctly unsafe. It felt scarring.
Like the beginning of something that could be devastating, and she just wasn’t in the market for devastating.
Not after the kind of childhood she’d lived.
He was too much. What she wanted was … the safest version of love she could possibly find.
What she wanted was Dalton, and for good reason.
It was just bad luck that the whole thing with West had crashed into it.
Austin’s forehead creased. “You look worried.”
“I’m not,” she said. “I mean, not really. Dalton invited me. And I’m just going to see where it goes.”
She heard herself, and the implications of her words made her feel slightly dead inside.
Judging by Austin’s facial expression, he also felt dead inside.
“Okay. Do I need to, like … give you the talk?”
She blanched in horror. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“No, it’s just … I tried. I’ve done the best I could to be a good parental figure, a good brother, whatever it is I’m supposed to be. But you certainly didn’t get everything you needed from me, and I know that.”
“Perry gave me condoms when I was eighteen.”
“She did?” Austin looked completely shocked.
“Yes. She wanted to make sure that I was going to be safe out there in the world. Even though I didn’t go out there in the world. I had everything here. With you.”
“Apparently I’m oblivious?”
She could put Austin out of his misery. She could let him know that he hadn’t missed any of her major milestones. That she hadn’t had any relationships, or anything like that. But she sort of enjoyed the stunned look on his face. The opportunity to be mysterious when, generally, she wasn’t.
“You don’t have to do everything. You didn’t then, and you don’t now. You gave me this whole big wonderful family. Unconventional though we may be. And you have been the best brother, parental figure, whatever you want to call it.”
“Thanks, Cass.”
“Yeah. Your daughter’s really lucky, Austin. Because she has the best dad in the whole world. And I know it’s weird, because I’m only ten years younger than you, but you’re certainly the closest thing I ever had to one. Definitely the most stable parenting influence.”
He winced. “That just says terrible things about your upbringing.”
“Maybe. But I’m good.”
Still, when she left the house, she felt nervous. As she approached the truck, her stomach clenched.
She got into the passenger seat and threw her bag into the back. Then Dalton got in, and she spent a good two minutes examining his profile as he drove down the gravel driveway. He was so good-looking. Dark brown hair, blade-straight nose. Handsome.
He made her feel warm. And no, he didn’t make her feel as if she was on the edge of a cliff ready to jump, but she didn’t like that feeling anyway.
It was one she experienced when she was with West, but she couldn’t say she enjoyed it. No. It felt … sort of awful.
Her phone lit up, and she looked down at the screen.
Be good, your boss says so.
The text from West sent her stomach lurching up into her throat.
Jerk.
Yes, so everyone says.
Are you calling me basic?
Are you using punctuation?
She scowled.
“Intense conversation?”
“Um.” She looked down at her phone, then back up at Dalton. She felt vaguely guilty, and she couldn’t say why.
“No. Just West. Being obnoxious about rehearsal.” She shoved her phone into her pocket.
“Oh, yeah. That’s going okay?”
“Yeah. It’s going great. I’m really enjoying learning new techniques.”
“Do you think you might stay in the show?”
Dalton was the first person to ask her that. And really, it was the first time she had thought about it.